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Is it better to know?

(238 Posts)
katherinez Mon 25-Jun-07 10:27:41

After a very stressful month with dh saying he wants to leave, I am getting more and more suspicious that he may have found someone else. I have asked him outright and he has denied it but his actions and his words just do not fit at the moment.

Our relationship has been struggling for a while but I just put this down to circumstances. It would never have entered my head that either of us would want to leave IYSWIM. I have always felt secure in our relationship and never had any suspicions before.

But the evidence is mounting up. All circumstantial I must stress. The thing is I really just want to sit it out. He is still here and every day he is, is a day we have together and I really love him with all my heart and want the chance to prove that. At the same time I am seriously beginning to feel like I am going mad. Maybe I am paranoid. The thing is even if something had gone on, I could understand why and would still want to work on our marriage, So maybe it is better not to know. I just dont know how long we can carry on like this. Any advise anyone?

expatinscotland Mon 25-Jun-07 10:28:40

I think it's better to know.

Why? Because I'd apply for divorce on grounds of adultery.

themoon66 Mon 25-Jun-07 10:31:08

Did he say why he wanted to leave?

expatinscotland Mon 25-Jun-07 10:31:47

Hire a private investigator.

elesbells Mon 25-Jun-07 10:34:59

hi kath i think if you carry on 'not knowing' you will just make yourself a very unhappy person...i would want to know! you cant bury your head in the sand, if the marriage has run its course then you cant change it imo. sad..but the truth i wish you luck

katherinez Mon 25-Jun-07 10:35:44

He says he just doesnt have feelings for me any more. Then in the same breath says I am his best friend, That he thinks Im attractive, And Im the mother of his 2 children. What I dont get is if there is no one else, why does he want to leave. I would have thought the things listed would have been enough to make him want to try.

TimeForMe Mon 25-Jun-07 10:38:24

This must be really heartbreaking for you and i am so sorry you are going through this.

I wonder why, rather than contuosly tell you he wants to leave, he doesn't just leave?? Is he wanting you to give him permission to go?
Maybe Im wrong but, I think if he had someone else he would have just gone, wouldn't he?

I know this would be difficult for you but, the next time he told me he wanted to leave I would very calmly say ok and tell him to go. I understand how much you love him but this must be soul destroying for you.

Let him go, let him realise what he has lost then, wait to see if he comes back to you. Because he actaully wants to be with you x

katherinez Mon 25-Jun-07 10:43:05

Thats good advise TFM. He is still here because we are waiting for some counselling and I really want to give it a shot. The thing is I think he is just doing this because he feels he has to. He has said it wont make him change his mind. I just love him so much. I really dont know what to think tbh. I should be focusing on the fact that he has said he will see the counsellor and try to ignore the rest maybe. But it is heart breaking. I dont want to be the one to push him out though. I really want him to stay.

TimeForMe Mon 25-Jun-07 10:50:48

The first thing I would say is, don't blame yourself, not for any of this. It sounds to me as if this is all about him at the moment.

I think he is feeling confused himself. He wants to leave but he doesn't want to hurt you he cares about you and he knows his leaving is going to break your heart. So, you giving him 'permission' to leave would make things a little bit easier for him, in his mind.

Maybe he doesn't really know himself 'why' he wants to leave. But the bottom line is, do you really want to live with a man who has said he doesn't want to live with you? I'm so sorry that this sounds harsh but, I think now is the time to find some self respect and start thinking of yourself. If he really wnts to leave then he will leave, firstly, he will leave emotionally and there's a chance that what could be a dignified, friendly break up could become quite horrible.

If you love him then let him go. Let him see the wonderful, loving woman you are and leave him with the thought that he could have made the wrong decision.

hurtwife Mon 25-Jun-07 11:13:34

Oh this sounds so like me last year. My h said he wanted to leave i said lets make another go - there was someone else invloved and i had my susspicions - but thought i was paranoid just like you.

I too did not want to give him the options of just going and wanted to do everything to keep what i thought was a good marriage.

I always think the truth is the best but believe me if he is in the middle of an affair he may not be able to tell you the truth - my H still didnt even when he left for her!! Even to this day he does not know why - it was if he just could not let me go compleletly either.

I decided that i would 'become' the best wife ever. I knew i had been a bit of a bitch in the past so i changed that around and worked on all the things that he said i did wrong. He now says it made it harder for him to leave but he still carried on the affair.

I think you need to ask yorself if you 'could' live with the knowledge of there being someone else. It sort of becomes a competion between you and her then.

If you really love him for the right reasons then you go for it and show him what he will be giving up. If he is going to leave he will anyway and at least this way you will know that it really was nothing to do with you. I do think he is trying to get you to take some of the blame and maybe kick him out.

Good luck i am thinking of you.

mylittlestar Mon 25-Jun-07 11:18:21

"He says he just doesnt have feelings for me any more. Then in the same breath says I am his best friend, That he thinks Im attractive, And Im the mother of his 2 children. What I dont get is if there is no one else, why does he want to leave. I would have thought the things listed would have been enough to make him want to try. "


I'm so sorry but this could have been me writing that 8 months ago when my H left me because he needed 'space'. He said exactly the same thing. I cried myself to sleep night after night because the one thing I couldn't come to terms with was why he didn't want to try. We had everything going for us. He said as much. But he didn't want to try...

I now know there was someone else, the whole time, and he just didn't have the balls to be a man, be honest with me, and make the final decision. He kept me hanging for months. It messed with my head badly. I doubted myself. I couldn't understand. His words and actions did not say the same things.



I'm so sorry you are going through this. But what I would say is trust your instincts.


The way I feel right now I think I was happier not knowing and I wish I didn't know. But in the long run I needed to know everything, because that is the only way for me to accept the man he has become and move away from him for good. The saying that 'knowledge is power' is very true - once you have the truth you can then make an informed decision what to do.
(And fwiw even knowing about the affair I decided to stay with him and give it another chance. Only when he left for the 4th time did I finally wake up!)

I really feel for you

isheisnthe Mon 25-Jun-07 11:30:05

I'm in the same boat - Xp denies seeing someone else despite being caught and walking round wth his phone constantly attached to him.

Alto I know in my head ad heart that there was/is someone else, he will not have the balls to admit it - as he knows it will make him feel crap and I can chuck it at him, and also it would help me not to be so willing to accept my blame. Like you I hav been a bit of a bitch over the years, and like you I never hought we would split and it gives you a blinding moment of clarity when they make the push to, but sometimes things are far too late, and they manipulateyou in to thinking its really yout own fault thi has happened. Read my thread, its long, but could give you some answers

katherinez Mon 25-Jun-07 12:57:26

I am just going to do every thing I can . I am trying not to go on at him. And I will not beg him to stay. But I am not going to give up on him either.

I think he has left emotionally already. He has said he is not seeing anyone else and I feel I have to give him the benefit of the doubt unless any concrete evidence comes my way.

Its just that things dont seem to add up. Why if he has so much to lose would he just not want to give it another shot. It just doesnt make sense. He has said he will try counselling. He says he is feeling so hurt that he has no more to give. I cant get through to him that unless we are both trying its not going to work. His argument is that he has been doing all the trying and giving, which is true to a certain extent. But thats 2 kids, work and the rest. Or at least I thought it was. I wish I could have appreciateed him more through out this time and seen where he was coming from. I just didnt realise. I feel so stupid.

TimeForMe Mon 25-Jun-07 13:05:02

I don't think you have to give up on him but you have to realise that you can't force him into doing or feeling anything he feels he can't either.

You are not stupid. You are a woman who loves her husband and doesn't want to lose him.

Maybe you just have to take a step back and allow him to actually see that you mean what you say. Rather than try to force him to see.

I can understand your frustration and your pain at wanting something so badly that you can't have but, please don't get 'desperate' about it, thats never attractive

katherinez Mon 25-Jun-07 13:15:46

I know, I know. I am trying to be strong. I am trying to take the pressure off. It is just bloody impossible not to want to rant and rave. But I know that does not help and will not help him to see things clearly. I need to think of myself now. And I must remember that whatever he says he has not left yet. And has said he will see the counsellor. So must hang onto that for the mo. Cant do anything else really. I just dont want to go mad in the mean time.

warthog Mon 25-Jun-07 13:18:01

i'm with timeforme on this one. i know it's bloody hard, but you have to give him his space. and try not to cling. try to change your focus off him and onto yourself. i know it's really hard, but keep at it.

katherinez Mon 25-Jun-07 13:19:50

Yes. I really will try. I seem to get more and more psychotic as the day goes on. Not an attractive feature I know. Its just the waiting that is doing me in. But at the same time He is still here and I need to focus on that.

moulimoo Mon 25-Jun-07 13:34:16

a bit of ranting is totally understandable right now, but agree with the others that being too desperate will backfire on you both. He will stay if its the right thing and no amount of willing it to work is going to fix it. If you are going to suceed with the counselling then you both need a clear head and to be doing it for the right reasons. Its good that he wants to go to counselling- shows he must still feel there is something worth saving. Try to focus on yourself and be selfish for a while- you need to keep your sanity. Keep busy and try to take a deep breath and count to ten when you feel a bad moment approaching. my dh had a brief affair, which I discovered a few weeks ago. We are sticking together and working through all the issues and are in calm waters at the moment- believe me there will come a time when you will be there too- just keep at it. and good luck x

TimeForMe Mon 25-Jun-07 13:47:06

Its understandable and its all as a result of something being out of your control. You are wanting something that you can't have nd it's frustrating the hell out of you!
If you were a toddler you would be throwing a right tantrum now!!

You may not have control over your DH's feeling or actions but you have the power to control your own.

If you want your DH to even consider coming back to you then you have to show him something he wants to come back to. Give him time and give him space. Use this time time pamper yourself, do something nice for yourself.

katherinez Mon 25-Jun-07 14:13:51

Thankyou both. I know you are both right. Easier said than done though. Its just this paranoia I cant cope with. This is not me. I feel totally messed up. Am trying to be calm when hes around, not easy. Do feel like having a big tantrum! I just love him so much. How can he give up on our marriage so easily. But I know you are right and will do my best to keep strong. And as I keep saying. I dont know that anything is going on. Its just hes had such a massive personality transplant lately, I dont know him any more.

hurtwife Mon 25-Jun-07 14:23:31

So much of what you all say is true.
You cannot MAKE him stay you can only make him WANT to stay. It is never too late he is still there now so thats a start.

Show him how great you really are without being too over the top and hard as it is make yourself as interesting as you can. Do something different today and then share it with him. I know this is so very very hard but your happiness does not come from him (although it feels like it right now).

Something i found useful and still do is to make a pact with myself to make at least one person smile each day. It makes you feel so great to know that you have brought however briefly some happiness to someone else.

Keeping a journal also helps and remember to focus on your good points when you do it.

We often get stuck in our relationships and forget who we are - i know i did - now i know i am a real agony aunt!!!!!!!!!!!!!

katherinez Mon 25-Jun-07 14:58:40

Thankyou Hurtwife. I will try to do as you say. It is the time scale involved that is driving me crazy. But your right. He is here. And its a start. He could have just walked. Will have to try to summon some energy to keep me going.

< Hmmm. Goes away to think of interesting things to do!>

TimeForMe Mon 25-Jun-07 16:32:54

Hurtwife, thats what I did with myself, i set myself a goal of making at least one person a day smile or feel cherished. Even now, if i think someone looks nice or their hair is nice etc I will tell them, even id i don't know them very well. It's the most rewarding feeling in the world (well, one of them) feeling you have brought a little bit of sunshine into someone's life.

Katherinez - you could go one step further, you could make it your mission to give your DH one good reason a day to smile I'm sure he will respond to lovely, happy smiling face much better than he will a 'Dr May lookalike'

I really do sympathise with you but I cannot emphasise enough how you must keep your passion under control. The last thing you want to do is push him further away.
We are all rooting for you xx

Dior Mon 25-Jun-07 16:38:35

Message withdrawn

katherinez Mon 25-Jun-07 17:35:56

I am really trying to do my best to make him happy. Without being too desparate. I really need to try to stay in control of my feelings. Am going to concentrate on myself as much as I can.

It may be best not to try to bring up the subject so much and wait to the counselling. We have a few weeks and each day is a day to show him what a wonderful wife i can be. ?

Must try not to keep asking him for the reassurance he cant give at the mo. Maybe I am asking too much. Its just my suspicions keep getting the better of me. Must try and "chill" as dh puts it.

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