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Finding it hard to get over husbands affair (sorry - it is quite long)

(38 Posts)
cba Sun 24-Jun-07 15:13:26

ok, I will try to keep it short and to the point.

I found out a year gone march that my dh had been having an affair for approx 1.5yr, during that time it spanned the whole pregnancy with our child we had just got married so the whole of our married life he had been having an affair.

I found out about by charging one of his unused phones to use as mine had broke, he was away on business. ds2 then got hold of the phone it was on a message declaring undying love for dh and how she couldnt wait to hold him.

I was devastated and phoned him immediately he was away on business. His voice sounded panic stricken and said he would phone me back. I knew straight away it was true. We had a holiday planned 10 days later. I couldnt let the children down so I went ahead with it.

The reasons he gave was that he felt neglected that I was giving all my attention to the babies. We have three 6,4 and 2. I had also suffered a miscarriage inbetween the first two.

I was devastated but decided to work through things. I didnt tell anyone as I didnt want to upset his mum or mine. This was hard.

Then two months ago my dh came home and said he couldnt lie to me any longer. He had continued contact for the last year. He said she had been emotionally blackmailing him and he couldnt take it any longer. I found this hard to believe as I already knew about her so how could she do this. Anyway, he confided in his mum and she said he had to tell me straight away or she would.

Anyway, once again I was devastated and yet again we had a holiday planned. So, we went as other family memebers were going.

I was just starting to put things behind me when a week ago I found a travel intinary for him and her for travel abroad, my heart sank and I just cried. When I looked at the dates this when our first son had started school, he couldnt be there because he was away on business. I feel utterley betrayed and each day I get up feeling like shit.

I am finding it hard to move on. I do love him and he maintains that all he talked about was me. So fuck. He has a very stressful business to the point that he dosent spend time with us.

When I point this out he says he cant concentrate on us, and that he is a failure and just shouts at me and threatens to leave.

I do love him but I am just not happy. I have not told my mum about the affair, but I am really getting close to breaking point and really need some advice, please help

cba Sun 24-Jun-07 15:19:58

bump, anyone????

StarryStarryNight Sun 24-Jun-07 15:26:29

Sorry to hear your story, it must be very stressful. Does he even acknowledge his own betrayal and how hurtful this is to you? If it was me, I would not have been so understanding I would have booted him out. If not for the affair, then for his way of dealing with it by adding to your stresses by exploding on you. You do seem to put his and everybody elses needs before yourself?
I hope somebody who is wiser than me will come a long with some real advise.

NKF Sun 24-Jun-07 15:27:33

How hard this must be. One thing I would suggest is perhaps trying not to bottle it up so much. You need support and if talking to your mum or a friend would help, then I think you should do it.

Also, I think you can't get over the affair because it's still going on. And perhaps he has no intention of ending it. Only you can tell if you can live with an unfaithful partner or if it's the end. But you can't put something that is still happening behind you.

Poor you. I hope you can find a way through it. Good luck.

mylittlestar Sun 24-Jun-07 15:51:58

I have hidden my H's affair from people close to me for months. I have finally started to open up and tell people the truth - and despite being scared to death of the reactions (and also not wanting to hurt people like my mum), getting it out in the open is what is helping to get me through.

You cannot live with the stress of all this without some support. MN got me through for months, when I didn't want anyone in RL to know. But there comes a point where the only way to move forward is to tell people the truth and let them help you.

Sometimes in life you have to step back and accept the support that is out there. Saying it out loud hurts, because it makes you realise how real it is, but it's also the first step to coming to terms with it.

There is still every chance you and dh could get through this if you both want to. But please get some real life support. Your h's guilt, shame, and anger at himself, is probably what is making him so defensive. In that state of mind he is in no fit state to give you the support you need.

CAT me if you need to aswell xx

ShowOfHands Sun 24-Jun-07 15:58:48

Have you asked him all the questions you need to? It's a painful thing to do forgiving an affair and very admirable but to move on you need to make sure you've worked through it with him and got complete honesty from him. You both have to make compromises- you're forgiving him an affair, how is he going to spend more time with you and support you more for example? Until you work through it, get some rl support and make some positive changes, you will wake up every day feeling frightened, let down and alone.

You are very brave and it can and will get better. Ask for support, don't be afraid or God forbid, ashamed. I wish you luck.

jennifersofia Sun 24-Jun-07 16:34:30

This must be immensely difficult for you.
I am sorry, but my personal opinion is that you should leave him. Even if it eventually ends up only being temporary, I think for your and his sake you need this break. I understand you love him, and want it to work, but as his actions have shown, he will keep thinking that it is okay to carry on as long as you let him. I am sure he loves you too, but his actions are not showing this, and haven't been for some time now. Although they probably don't know anything about it at the moment, your children need to see the example of their father respecting you. This won't happen if it all continues to carry on.
Talking to others about it does not mean that you are a failure.

Gingermonkey Sun 24-Jun-07 16:59:53

My DH had an affair 2 years ago, we ended up splitting up whilst I was PG with DS for nearly 6 months. It was the best thing that we could have done because we realised what we both needed/wanted out of life and we have worked hard to make things right between us since. I must admit I now class it as a blessing (almost - not quite!) and we are unbelievably close now. I am trusting him far more than I was when DS was born, and I have come to realise that I know I can live without him, but I don't want to - I love him and I think we are meant to be together. This kind of thing is so common, it's covered up by people who want you to believe they are all happy happy when every marriage/partnership has troubles, whatever they are - no marriage is plain sailing. I also had counselling at a local well woman clinic and it was great. I went for a full year and it was my decision to leave when I felt I could cope without my weekly session. I used it as a place to talk through things I didn't feel able to with DH and my friends (because I think you can put too much on them and they will start to get bored eventually!). My counseller told me to write a journal, just a line or 2 if I couldn't think of much to say, but to write in it every day. I could then look back and think - 'Oh, last weds was a great day' becasue you will concentrate on the negative more than the positive. Feel free to CAT me too, I am proof you can come out the other side and be really, genuinely OK. As Winston Churchill said, when you are going through hell, keep going. That became my mantra - I said it to myself at least once a day, wrote it on every page of my journal and I believe it. Just think positive, and stay true to yourself and make you happy. <<<hugs>>>>

lemonstartree Sun 24-Jun-07 19:01:51

what could he do that would be 'too much' ?? you have put up with betrayal again and again, what do you mean HE is threatening to leave ?? Kick him out my love, kick him out and make him pay for his long term deceit and betrayal of yor family. While you are doing that you might find , and I so hope you do, some self respect which will mean no arsehole can ever ever treat you like this again.

this is NOT your fault. he is a complete arsewipe who walks all over your feelings and all over YOU as a human being worthy of love and respect. Give him the bloody push, and make a great life for yourself alone or with a partner who treats you as you deserve.. as ALL partners deserve.

good luck

macdoodle Sun 24-Jun-07 19:18:51

Ginger am pleased for you - I am afraid I am on the other side - found out about (d)H affair last June - we have been living apart since Nov and I feel in my heart I will never forgive him and can never live with the betrayal and will never trust him again (and sorry my feeling is once a cheat always a cheat... ) IMO no I don't think it is possible But for those who are or trying to I very much hope you can - for me I don't think so

cba Sun 24-Jun-07 19:29:35

Thank you so much everyone. NFK, the affair is not going on still it defintely has ended.

He said the pasy year has been about her threatning with emotional blackmail, I said to hime I find this hard to believe as I already knew so what could she have done.

I was starting to get over it a little, but, when I found the travel itineray and the dates of it which made him miss ds1 first day of school I literally feel as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

I am thinking to book a holiday for me and the children along with one of my friends for a little help with the three children.

He said the affair wasnt about sex, but, said he felt neglected by me as my focused switched from him to the children.

He said a man dosent stray unless there is something missing. I went ballistic at this, and said, while yes we werent as active as prior to having the children, who is, this is no excuse and he is not blaming his weakness, betrayal and deceit on me.

I keep saying to him I do not deserve what he has done to me, and the feeling each day brings.

I donw want to tell my mum as I think she might come round and literally punch him!

I dont talk to him mum, at the end of the day she is his mum. After several times of speaking to her she said I need to make husband time and although I am a wonderful mother my wife skills are somewhat lacking.

Told her in no uncertain terms her sons weakness is no reflection on me and I have only been doing what he wanted me to, ie. traditional family, him providing me staying at home etc. etc.

I thing a journal is a good idea and may try this, I may also go for some counselling without him as I really feel as though I need to vent off to someone neutral.

Sorry for the long post, yet again, but it really does help me.

Tinkerbel5 Sun 24-Jun-07 19:49:26

you hubbie had an affair cause he couldnt keep it in his pants, not cause you had neglected him, also sounds like he has slagged you off to his mother aswell, its up to you but I wouldnt believe anything that came out of his mouth, he sounds like he is cacking himself cause he has been found out, what are you going to do about him are you kicking him out or making another go of it ?

cba Sun 24-Jun-07 19:54:28

tinkerbel, you are right, he is cacking himself. I dont want to throw him out as he as alot of business pressures at the moment, i know this is also not my fault. Yes, you are also right that he couldnt keep it in his pants. He did try and tell me it wasnt sexual, I said you dont go to another country in the same hotel room to see the fucking sights. He didnt answer.

I am going to try and make a go of it but I just dont how easy this is going to be. The reason I thought I might book a holiday for me kids and a friend as it may be easier for me to reflect on what has happened and the best way forward away from him and away from our home and the all things round it.

FioFio Sun 24-Jun-07 19:55:28

Message withdrawn

pornstarswife Sun 24-Jun-07 19:55:58

Oh my god you can not go on like this....dump him.

FioFio Sun 24-Jun-07 19:56:47

Message withdrawn

Tinkerbel5 Sun 24-Jun-07 19:58:43

cba good idea about the holiday, have that time away and have a good time and see how you feel when you get back, it will give you time to reflect on what you do or dont want, think its time to start getting selfish, good luck x

choosyfloosy Sun 24-Jun-07 20:07:30

Great idea about holiday.

This sounds so appalling. I hope you find strength to get through it.

warthog Sun 24-Jun-07 20:12:34

holy shit! the cheek of HIS MUM saying you're not a good enough wife. well i am blown away by that one.

he should be bloody cacking himself. he has fundamentally betrayed you from day one of your marriage. i mean, what did he think his vows meant?

in my view he has a lot to do to make this up to you. he's very very lucky you've decided to make a go of it.

i think a holiday without him would be a very good idea.

puffling Sun 24-Jun-07 20:13:23

It sounds dreadful. You need some good advice to get through this.

cba Sun 24-Jun-07 20:20:06

he also keeps telling me that i am over reacting that it was nothing more than a friendship as he felt as I was concentrating on the children.

Well fuck me, three children under the age of four when he commenced his friendship I am not a miracle worker. (well 2 kids and pregnant with the third but still playing away after birth of third).

Hassled Sun 24-Jun-07 20:28:51

My ex DH had an affair - and it wasn't hard for me to forgive him (we had a very unhappy marriage, were young, broke, two small kids, stressful jobs etc etc) - but what I couldn't ever do was forget it. I just couldn't get past it and we split 6 months after I found out. I don't regret it - 12 years have gone by, I have a new DH and 2 more kids, and ex-Dh is now a great friend - it can all work out well. What I'm trying to say is that you have options - don't feel that you're trapped.
You MUST talk to your Mum, friends etc - you need a lot of support whether your marriage stays intact or not. I have to say it doesn't sound like you're his top priority in life, but only you can decide if a)you can forgive and b)you'll manage to forget it and move on. The memory of how awful it was is still clear in my mind - I really do feel for you.

madamez Sun 24-Jun-07 20:32:59

As someone who believes in ehtical open relationships I am pretty appalled by your DH. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions and be honest with you. Remember that you matter and your feelings matter and everyone is entitled to be treated with respect. So if he wants to continue seeing this woman he has to be honest about it and give you the chance to make decisions when you know what is really going on. Would you be able to accept him seeing other people if he was honest with you about it? Or is monogamy very important to you? If monogamy does matter a lot to you then I think you would be better off separating from this man, who is not monogamous and will not remain so.
You will survive this and you will be happy again. Good luck.

warthog Sun 24-Jun-07 20:45:53

not that it matters, because an emotional affair is also betrayal, but did he or did he not sleep with this woman? how can he say it was only a friendship?

i agree, you need the support of your mum.

goldenpeach Sun 24-Jun-07 20:49:13

If he can't commit, even for the sake of the children, he's not worthy of you. Don't let him erode your self-esteem, you did nothing wrong but was very understanding considering his betrayal. I think the holiday and a bit of separation should help him realise the value of what he takes for granted. Don't let him take you and the children for granted. Do talk to your mum and next time you see his mum, tell her that if she condones adultery she doesn't deserve anybody's respect. You're not a failure, he is because he can't appreciate what he's got.

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