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Opinions please(13 Posts)
Wondering if I could have opinions if possible. I'm feeling a bit sad and stuff so I think I'm possibly blowing something out of proportion and would like other points of view.
Ok, briefly I've an alcoholic sister, my nephew half lives between her and I. I've no parents and it's pretty much just me and a few solid friends. I work full time and part time job and college. I've elderly grandparents who need support. Non of this fazes me, I'm used to it and can juggle it all quite well, but I do get stressed sometimes. My sister is a great anxiety for me as she's volatile and unpredictable.
Ok so I've met nice new man, it's all going well and relatively serious between us. However I don't think he's ever had any "stress" so when something happens with my sister, or there's an emergency, or I need to work longer hours he's incredibly put out by this. He's also not very supportive when things do happen. For example I've had a really bad day with her, I'm feeling really crappy and just a bit meh. I told him this and his response was basically "That's a shame are we going out tomorrow"
I've taken this really badly (I'm not sure why, I think I've a cold, and I'm tired, emotionally exhausted etc) normally I'd just bat it off. But I feel like he really couldn't care less at all.
Am I just being sensitive or am I justified with my hurt? Should I say anything to him or just let it go? X
I can't see a future for this relationship. If he's not very supportive, then that's the deal. Do you really want someone who doesn't support you? Imagine a future where you're with this man through the ups and downs of life and believe me, life is full of ups and downs. Bless you, you deserve better.
Well how long has it been ?
If it's only a few weeks I wouldn't expect him to take it all on, I'd see him as light relief from it all, at the moment and try and forget everything when you're with him, it might do you good
Thank you both for your messages. @hofuckingho no he's not very supportive but I was putting it down to "men behaviour" of just trying to stop worrying about it and think about something else possibly but I think maybe my life is too much you know?
@bigchris it's a good few months in now and there's talk of a holiday next year etc so pretty serious ish, but I'm not sure I should do that or let it get any further if he's not in it for the long run... Does that make sense?
I also on reflection think,I do worry about my nephew and sister etc rather than trying to put it away and enjoy myself sometimes but it's not all the time and I do have my life etc but its hard to not worry when it's bad time
Your life sounds so full on! How do you even manage to study with full time 35-40 hours job, part time (16hours?) and college which is probably at least 8 hours of attendance?
How old is the nephew? Is his dad in the picture? Social services?
Your man probably thinks you are both adults, its giving you grief, you are overworked and taking on too much so accept it or change it because nobody is actually forcing you. This moral obligation is coming from you and you are probably right, he probably doesn't understand why do all this but I doubt he has no stresses, you may have no idea what or how he feels about his own life.
my point i if this is what you want to continue doing, either seek support and counselling about this and find a way to destress that doesnt involve him or end it.
My own expeirence is that some people friends or partners, can be better listeners and support than others in terms of emotional intelligence and patience to hearing the winging and moaning and the emotional turmoil and anxiety.. it gets wearing if its a constant thing and as the relation is new, it should be a lot breezier and fun than this.
so seek support elsewhere, change how much you do or rethink the relation. There will be more, less and similarly inclined men (and woman) as he is...you just have to find your own level of whats acceptable and expected support...bear in mind if you find a man who is like you, working 2 jobs, studying, family obligations, you may actually be both very stressed and too tired to do anything.
How do you even do all this, do you even have time for a relationship?
Impossible to say from your posts what’s reasonable or not. If you are constantly working/studying/running around tending to Dsis, Dnephew, DGP, their crises etc. is your relationship deep enough to expect more support or not. It’s a genuine question - I struggle to see where a serious relationship can fit.
How often to do you see this man?
Thank you both for your messages and I see both your views. The college course is only night school and the part time jobs are only a few hours a week. All the situations are "copeable" if that makes sense and I know what you mean @bettycrook that I have taken on the moral obligation and this was my choice, but it's very hard to say no when there is a child invoiced, although I agree that has no bearing on the work etc. At @Latentphase, he lives away, so I tend to see him once during the week and weekends.
The best example I can give you is a few weeks ago, my sister called and was really distressed - she is an alcoholic and I suspect there's other issues but she was upset so I talked to her for about 20 mins on the phone till she felt better. When I came back through he said he didn't know why he had bothered coming up as this was not the night he was expecting. We had no plans to go out, literally stopping in, eating pizza.
Its not that the bad or unexpected happens all the time and it's not so much I want him to throw himself in his car and drive to me to support me, I am emotionally strong enough to deal with all the stuff but its just when ever things are particularly rough he just gets pissy like its my fault.
All I kinda wanted last night was just a general are you ok?
Ahhh I think after writing all this, I see my life is not a walk in the park and maybe I was just being a bit whiny :-)
Thanks for all your opinions xx
Sorry about your situation OP but you seem to be dealing with it remarkably well and you seem like a very intelligent, strong woman.
Unfortunately this man is too self involved to care about anybody else other than himself, he is displaying narcissistic traits and I doubt it will get any better but worse the longer you are with him. I would not be surprised if he does not give you the ultimatum him or her further down the line.
There is the old saying, plenty of fish in the sea, personally I would throw this one back or you could dangle him along until someone better came along.
There are men out there who would be supportive and patient especially this early in a relationship.
He sounds a bit self centred. I think he may end up just another thing in your life you're having to juggle to keep him happy rather than him understanding sometimes you need to speak to your sister for twenty minutes when he's around. Sounds like he resents that? That's not fair.
You aren't being whiney. No one, whatever their gender or relationship to you, should be so fucking self centered and childish to complain about you spending 20mins comforting your sister. It is a very bad sign and I would end it now.
I would seek support from Al-anon re your alcoholic sister; they are very helpful at working with people like yourself who are affected by another person's drinking. You are very invested understandably but perhaps over invested in your sister and she is also using you as her emotional crutch. Something is going to give ultimately and that is most likely going to be you. You need to put your own lifejacket on first before helping others. What you must remember as well is that you cannot ever act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship.
I would also be concerned about your nephew's welfare; how old is he?.
Where is your own support here; this man who you are seeing is not all that supportive either. Put yourself first for a change, start by investing less time and effort on your sister. You are her sister, not her therapist and it was not and never was your job to make her feel better or otherwise talking her down via the phone. There is also a fine line between helping and enabling.
Thank you all. @Attilathemeerkat - you'd be amazed by how much I have already cut this down so what I do now in essence is the bear minimum really but I do feel sorry for her even if she is a pain and sometimes I do want to help if you know what I mean, but I should probably take a look and make sure I am not enabling sometimes.
The school is very involved in my nephews well being and its all being monitored accordingly. I would prefer him to live with me but they feel its not in his best interest's... at the moment I think I have to keep the situation as it is. I posted a while ago that I wasn't happy with it really but its a little bit beyond my control.
I appreciate everyone's feedback and I think I need to have a think about how to move forwards and maybe have a conversation with him! Bummer!
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