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DH's new friend...

(37 Posts)
Trusting0987123 Thu 06-Dec-18 19:23:41

Earlier this year DH admitted to having feelings for a female friend, he felt he was spending to much time chatting to her on social media, he felt guilty and realised he was sharing information that he should have been sharing with me. I had no idea about any of this news until he told me. He then told me he would stop speaking to her, cut all contact and over time we got things back on track.
Out of the blue this nonth he lied to me about meeting up with her, said he was off out with friends for the evening, I found out only by chance that he planned to meet up with her.

I can't really begin to explain just how hurt I am, he tells me over and over again they are just friends and on it all goes. I have had the house valued and gone as far as telling him that if he remains friends with her that we need to get a divorce. He says he doesn't want that and will fight for his marriage. H says if they don't stay as friends then he is admitting that he has done wrong and hasn't. I can't get him to see how I feel and why this is all so wrong. I genuinely believe that they are still chatting on social media and it's driving me mad. Her company name keeps appearing, I have no proof only gut instinct. What do i do

AnyFucker Thu 06-Dec-18 19:25:54

Rrad "Not just friends" and get the divorce under way

He is taking the piss

whynot93 Thu 06-Dec-18 19:26:56

Dog deeper on the quite, I'm sure you'll get you answers. Sadly I'm a woman scorned so probably not the best to advise as my radar is smashed to pieces.. hugs x

whynot93 Thu 06-Dec-18 19:27:24

Dig... not dog 🙈

SuperSuperSuper Thu 06-Dec-18 19:28:00

Have you seen the messages?

HollowTalk Thu 06-Dec-18 19:29:53

It's not just his decision to make, though; it's yours, too.

The quickest way to resolve this is to dump him. Tell him you want a divorce. Then see what he does. I reckon he'll go off to be with her for a bit, then come to you, crying.

Trusting0987123 Thu 06-Dec-18 19:30:15

No I've not seen the messages, he told about her. I've never seen any of the messages. So far only what he has said and that is that they have become friends

RivanQueen Thu 06-Dec-18 20:10:15

You should be more important to him than this friend, the fact that you're uncomfortable with him continuing contact with her and have told him so should be enough for him to end the friendship. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too. By minimising his relationship with her he is dismissing and disrespecting your feelings. I agree with HollowTalk, dump him and see what he does, he'll run off to her then come crying back to you when he realises the grass isn't greener.

Trusting0987123 Thu 06-Dec-18 21:15:56

I've told him I don't think we can continue with our marriage, how can I trust him again. H is adament it can work. Between finding out and now I have only asked him to do one thing and that is never to contact her again and that's only been now that I have said that to him. H doesn't understand why they can't be friends, doesn't matter I say, he down get it.

SuperSuperSuper Thu 06-Dec-18 21:42:10

It seems as if she's very important to him.

Whether they're having a physical affair or not, it's wrong that he's prioritising her.

AdaColeman Thu 06-Dec-18 21:57:50

His convoluted excuse about why he has to stay friends with her, just proves how little he values you and your damaged feelings. He's trying to make you responsible for his actions, so that you collude with them staying together.
Whatever else he is, he is one devious emotional blackmailing bastard.

His affair with her, even if it is not physical hmm means that he is emotionally detached and unavailable to you. He has left you stranded high and dry.

Chances are, that she is reluctant to leave her relationship, so he is staying put for the comforts of marriage.

He is being dreadfully selfish, and so unfair to you. thanks thanks

FlyingMonkeys Thu 06-Dec-18 22:00:16

He knows damn fine it's crossing boundaries, he admitted that himself when he originally informed you. He's now trying to back peddle furiously.

WillChellam Thu 06-Dec-18 22:02:55

I love the man bashing that goes with these threads.

A different perspective might be not that the marriage is about to fail because he's friends with a women, but that he's friends with this woman because the marriage had failed.

He obviously gains something from that relationship that you can't provide.

magoria Thu 06-Dec-18 22:07:41

He knew it was wrong and told you he was crossing a line when he was first talking to her and sharing information with her.

He then lied to you and carried on chatting to her in secret.

He then lied to you and arranged/met her.

He wants to stay friends with her over being married to you.

That tells you everything you need to know.

He won't believe you until he gets the divorce papers.

Ofchris Thu 06-Dec-18 22:08:29

Nice *Willchellham” just attack the Op when she’s obviously distressed. He’s admitted to having feelings for her but continues to contact her? I’d leave under those circumstances. Sorry op.

Princesspeachy0 Thu 06-Dec-18 22:12:49

I agree with @mayor is

If he honestly doesn't think he's done/doing anything wrong then why lie about meeting her?!

Princesspeachy0 Thu 06-Dec-18 22:13:44

Should say I agree with @magoria hmm

WillChellam Thu 06-Dec-18 22:17:42

It wasn't my intention, rereading it, it sounds worse than It did in my head. I didn't want to attack the OP, but every thread goes down the same path, marriage in trouble = men are bastards.

What I meant to say was that there must be some breakdown in the partnership for this to happen - the only way to find out is open communication.

To save the marriage you need to find a way to get him to express what it is he gains from the time with this woman, which may be something stupidly easy, or incredibly painful to discover.

category12 Thu 06-Dec-18 22:21:06

He'll say anything to keep contact with her, and screw your feelings.

Trusting0987123 Thu 06-Dec-18 22:55:48

Thanks ' WillChellam' no where on my post have I stated men are bastards?! This isn't a post aimed at slagging off men. My marriage is potentially coming to an end through no fault of my own.

Trusting0987123 Thu 06-Dec-18 23:01:41

I think it's fair to say I can no more, will be putting the DCs first, Christmas fast approaching & he can continue sleeping in the spare room and I will continue to put my finances in order to move on with my life. I'm not prepared to play second best place in my marriage and keep looking over my shoulder wondering what DH could be up too. Feel very sad for her DH and family but that's all her business.

Itwasatuesday Fri 07-Dec-18 11:06:53

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It's all in there. It opened my DHs eyes to his special friend and where I was coming from.

certificateofauthenticity Fri 07-Dec-18 11:20:40

Until you get him to accept that this is an affair, physical or not, he will never understand why you are as upset as you deserve to be. Unfortunately, sometimes they just cannot see this. The book 'Not just friends' that others have mentioned, might get him to see from your perspective. As for regaining trust, he would have to be absolutely honest and open for the foreseeable future (possibly forever, as one little lie could undermine any good efforts made) , if he wants to rebuild a marriage. I wish you all the best.

pissedonatrain Fri 07-Dec-18 11:32:44

I would imagine he would not be happy if you had a special secret male friend.

Trinity66 Fri 07-Dec-18 11:47:17

How can he claim to not be doing wrong when he was the one who came to you first day saying he was doing something wrong? You don't need proof, he already told you that your right to be concerned even if he's back tracking now. If he won't cut ties with her, then he doesn't value your marriage more than whatever is going on with her

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