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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Keeping me secret from family...

80 replies

Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 06:42

I kind of know what I need to do actually...

For nearly a year I've been in a relationship with this amazing man. We were friends for about four years previously.

So I was happy to just enjoy time together but he's said a few times that he wants to get married and live together. My response was yes. By the way no kids from previous relationships.

He's from a country where there's still a war going on. That's why he's in the UK. (I won't go into more detail just out of respect for his privacy.) He's suffered a lot of losses and his remaining family members all try really hard to keep in touch, constantly on their WhatsApp group despite enforced separation.

I am getting fed up with him keeping me a secret from his family. Especially since he's the one who asked to marry him, then to turn around and tell me his sisters are encouraging him to get married and have kids? And yet he hasn't mentioned me to them? And now he's not sure he ever wants to get married? What?

We are from different cultures and religions, and I'm 17 years older than him, so yeah it's an unconventional match. Maybe difficult for his family to accept. But hey maybe he could work all that out before asking me to marry him?

I have let a lot of this go because honestly he's been through some harrowing stuff and at 47 I don't have a huge desire to settle down. But the secrecy is just getting dumb. Especially as he has told me so much about his family, shown me sweet videos of his nieces and nephews, and I'm like, 'These people will never know me...'

I have asked him to hold off on the marriage idea until he is sure. But now I'm fed up. The other day I was picking him up from his home so that we could spend the weekend at my place and he kept cranking his head round, finally saying,' Keep driving, my brother's coming tound the corner and I don't want him to see us together...'

Even just typing that, wtf?

I need to tell him to make a decision and get back to me,don't I?

OP posts:

Report

AjasLipstick · 06/12/2018 06:52

I think it's highly likely he already has a wife OP.

Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 06:57

Ah, I should have mentioned, he had one back home but she died.

I often go to his house and it is definitely a a bachelor pad.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/12/2018 07:00

You make the decision instead of him, he will in all likelihood continue to drag all this out otherwise.

I would end this relationship with him now before you become even more over invested in it along with being emotionally hurt. He is keeping your existence secret from his family for a reason and its not likely good reasons either.

CoconutQueen · 06/12/2018 07:00

He is using you OP. Very sorry. Get out fast.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/12/2018 07:02

That does not mean anything. His house would look like a batchelor pad if she was still overseas. Do not let yourself be used so by him and raise your relationship bar a lot higher going forward.

pusspuss9 · 06/12/2018 07:02

There are so many red flags here. are you sure he doesn't just want a free pass to the many advantages that marriage to a Uk person would bring him?

Issy777 · 06/12/2018 07:03

I'm sorry
This may sound racist, bigoted or whatever.

But it's highly likely he's using you for stay in the U.K.
I have too much experience of this due to my job.

And has he asked you to convert to his religion?

Holidayshopping · 06/12/2018 07:05

Have you asked him why he’s hiding you from his family?

SallyWD · 06/12/2018 07:11

I'm slightly less cynical than other posters but don't under estimate just how difficult it would for him to tell his family about you. He could be disowned and be seen to dishonour his family. For a western person they might shrug and say "So what?" but for someone of another culture
, family and the respect of his family is everything. I can certainly see why you think you have no future with him. I wouldn't marry him under these circumstances.

Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 07:13

He already has settled status.

And anyway if he wanted to marry a British person he would marry me, not not marry me! Lol Just messing around with a British person confers no advantages for a visa.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/12/2018 07:13

There's no fool like a (middle aged) fool

OhLemons · 06/12/2018 07:15

There is a reason he is keeping you a secret.

I'm sorry op but he is not going to remain with you long term. He is using you.

knowingkaleidoscope · 06/12/2018 07:15

Some alarm bells are ringing here. Do you spend a lot of money on him? Buy him things?

RyderWhiteSwan · 06/12/2018 07:16

Harsh, AnyFucker but yeah.

Youmadorwhat · 06/12/2018 07:17

Get out now OP sorry

Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 07:18

Thanks guys. It is a different culture! It's actually quite common for love matches to be kept secret. I love and appreciate the great value of family loyalty and tradition, but on the other hand, you can't have it both ways. If you want to be Mr. Traditional, leave me alone.

OP posts:

Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 07:20

Do I buy him things? Like what?

No, there are no visa issues and I don't buy him things.

OP posts:

booboo24 · 06/12/2018 07:21

i would make the decision for him. Having to drive away so his brother didn't see me would have been it, no matter what the cultural implications are, that shows a severe lack of respect for you and I would have left then.

If his culture makes being with you a problem then he's not respecting his beliefs either way already, so he needs to grow a pair and show the world you're the one he wants to be with, or stand by his beliefs and marry from within his own religion/culture. He is being selfish right now and you're the one getting hurt. I would say it's $%&* or get off the pan time

Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 07:25

Yes exactly booboo. How is it 'respecting his family' to sneak around.

I think the driving away from his brother was the last straw for me.

OP posts:

Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 07:29

Kindest to both in the long run to end things now.

OP posts:

Cuttingthegrass · 06/12/2018 07:31

But how can't it be enforced separation when his brother lives in the same town?

Something strange and weird going on especially as you've known him 5 years.

Cuttingthegrass · 06/12/2018 07:31

*how can it be .... NOT how can't it be ...

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Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 07:34

He managed to sponsor his little brother to UK. The rest of the family are stuck in home country. It happens.

But I agree the secrecy is 'strange and weird'.

OP posts:

Thanksandnext · 06/12/2018 07:37

What’s his explanation for not telling his family about you?

anneofavonlee · 06/12/2018 07:38

I'm guessing he's Muslim? If so he won't tell his family about you before marriage as he shouldn't be in a relationship before marriage. I think in honesty if he was to tell them that he was marrying a woman 17 years older who was past child bearing age they would probably be disappointed and try to put him off.

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