I've messed up

[wishpot]

Hi,

Namechanged for this one. It's going to be hard to write but I'll try keep it brief.

Me and DP been together 8 years, 2 primary aged DCs together. We have hit a wall. Our relationship is a mess and I'm devastated. It started after our second DC was born and we haven't been intimate for years.

I went through some pretty traumatic things and DP had to work away for a few years too and we just kind of drifted apart.

I became resentful and angry and although i never used to be, for the past two years I've felt insanely insecure and scared.

We've argued a lot and there have been too many times that we've argued when I've had too much to drink. I've said some vile things to him. The latest was last night and I just feel like the final nail might be in the coffin. I have been so nasty but I sit on my insecurities and resentment for weeks and it comes out eventually but not in a nice way.

Some of the things I've felt over the years is that he's neglected me emotionally. That he brushed me away until I wasn't confident enough to try and be intimate with him. That he doesn't remember the smallest detail I tell him yet he seems to always be glued to his phone. I feel unloved and taken for granted. But because I've argued and called him names it's as if it's all my fault. I don't think he wants to try anymore.

I don't want to argue with him anymore. I love him. I want our family to stay together and for us all to feel happy and secure. I'm so sad.

Any advice from anyone who has been there and managed to make their relationship what it once was again appreciated. Thanks

[SandyY2K]

Would you be open to marriage counselling?

It's not going to be easy to sort this out yourselves.

[showmeshoyu]

You haven't messed up... it's just that unfortunately your marriage is over due to drifting apart over the years. They're two different things.

[cushioncuddle]

It sounds like there's been a lot of arguing which has very likely been horrible for your children. Also the atmosphere must be dreadful for them.

Try marriage counselling but if it's beyond that let the marriage go.

It's both your fault not just yours. There seems to be a lack of communication and understanding of the other persons feelings on both sides. Don't blame yourself.

But for the sake of your children deal with the situation don't keep as you are.

[booboo24]

It might not feel like it but you're fortunate that you can see what's happening while you're still together. I didn't realise what my anxiety had cake me to be like until he left me without warning after 22 years together. Ok he left me for someone else but it was an eye opener when I looked at myself too. I would say talk to him from the heart, tell him what you've told us here, and then ask him to try counselling. I really would say it's not too late if you're still together.

As for drifting apart, it happens, noones fault, but in your case it was due to physical distance, surely that's fixable. If it had happened whilst living together then that would be different in my view.

Best of luck, hope it works out for you both

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If this relationship is over, its over and now its up to the two of you to end things as amicably as possible.

Do not drag this out longer for the sake of the children because they won't thank either of you for doing that to them. It is down to the two of you as these children's parents to teach them healthy lessons about relationships. Better for them to have two parents apart and potentially happier than to have one parent who has decided to conduct their private based war against the other.

[booboo24]

That should have said caused, not cake!! Jees its only 7am and look where my mind is already!

[wishpot]

Thanks for the replies. I've asked him to try counselling before but he's always said no, that it's not for him and he wouldn't be able to open up in front of a stranger.

I'm so scared of it being over for good. We have so much together and if we could just grow close again we would all have an amazing life. I wish I could go back in time and not let us drift.

He was working away with a new job to try and make a better life for our family whilst I stayed home with a toddler and new baby. I wish we hadn't done that now. I really do

[ThisIsWhatItSoundsLike]

You haven't messed up... it's just that unfortunately your marriage is over due to drifting apart over the years. They're two different things.

Sorry OP but I disagree with PP you messed up massively. On the other foot MN would be screaming LTB.
Not trying to rain on your parade but being nasty and name calling someone you purport to love is one of the worst forms of emotional abuse.
You are going to have to own this if you have any hope of repairing the damage you have caused.
Hopefully it's not too late but you have a mountain to climb.
Good luck I hope it works out for you x

[wishpot]

Thanks, I know I've messed up. I definitely do own that and I regret it massively.

We've had long talks over the years about how I've felt neglected, that our relationship is becoming platonic and that I feel taken for granted. He's always promised to make it right and pay more attention. Then almost instantly forgets. And now it's come to this, me being nasty to him.

I feel like even though we've both been at fault he can use this against me to say he doesn't want to sort it out. He can say "you called me a bastard" and it's fact. I can say "you neglected me" and it's just a matter of opinion. Don't know if that makes sense.

Has anyone tried relate online? He might be more willing to try that than face to face.

[toddman70]

He needs to hear from your heart. When' s the next time you'll be able to be together. Whenever that is, make sure you 2 can have some uninterrupted time an have a heart felt conversation. He should be able to get past the name calling, once you explain how you feel, and the why behind those feelings. Sometimes men don't understand what our partners mean when they say they are feeling a certain way, but when you can explain what is causing our leading to those feelings the light bulb sometimes clicks on IYSWIM.

[BishBoshBashBop]

He should be able to get past the name calling, once you explain how you feel, and the why behind those feelings. Sometimes men don't understand what our partners mean when they say they are feeling a certain way, but when you can explain what is causing our leading to those feelings the light bulb sometimes clicks on IYSWIM.

No it is up to him whether he forgives the vile name calling or not.

As pp have said if it was the other way around there would be calls for LTB.

[HollowTalk]

It sounds a really unhealthy relationship. You need to stop drinking, for starters. You also need to apologise if you've said nasty things towards him. He doesn't sound great and it's as though he's detached himself from the marriage. Given the lack of sex, his stays away from home and him being glued to his phone, do you think someone else is involved?

How would you feel if you did live apart? Would you miss him? Do you think he'd miss you?

[wishpot]

Yes we'd miss each other. We've had to live apart for work before and hated it. That's partly what made us drift. I felt like I raised our youngest for the first year on my own. Although he came home as much as he could.

No, there's nobody else involved. He's glued to his phone scrolling through cars/bikes/whatever. Mundane stuff. The lack of intimacy has just become habit and now it's awkward to initiate I suppose.

We are going to sit down and work this out. The way it is at the moment is not healthy, I agree completely. And I take responsibility in my part.

I'm so gutted that we've let this happen. We have beautiful kids and so much else going for us. We still like each other and I still love him. Hoping that he still loves me. I'll do anything so any advice, however harsh, is really appreciated.

Thanks for taking the time to respond

[RandomMess]

Getting divorced is hideously expensive and very painful. I could talk to him and asked him to try counselling in order to give the marriage a proper try.

I think you need to phrase it that you want to change but you recognise that you both need help to fix things...

[TheBubGrower]

I'm surprised by the amount of posters on here just suggesting you seek a divorce now rather than trying to sort things out. It sounds like you've had a realisation moment and want to save the marriage before it's too late. I don't know how other posters can assume it's irreparable already without knowing you, I'd be wary that they might be projecting OP.

I agree you need to be honest with him now and open up to him. As for the name calling, yes that's unreasonable and you've acknowledged that. It's a bit of a leap to suggest you're emotionally abusing him though because of a few heated, alcohol fuelled arguments. You're not the first person to resort to name calling when you feel completely hopeless and at a loss in an argument, especially if you feel like you're being gaslighted by him (which, I'm jumping to conclusions here but perhaps you do feel this way if he's not acknowledging how he's made you feel neglected). I can also see totally where you're coming from when you say he's acting as though you calling him names is worse than how you feel neglected. I've been in this position before when a partner uses things I've said/ done in the heat of an argument as a sort of "top trumps" on who is the most to blame. It doesn't take away what led to the argument in the first place.

It seems you're quite self aware on the mistakes you've made in the relationship and what you need to do to change. I'd sit him down and explain to him that you want to make these changes. See if he'll open up about what changes he thinks might help (for both you and him to make). The difficult and important thing is not to turn this into a blame/ defence exercise though. You need to try and communicate openly and honestly with each other without pointing the finger. I find it helps to phrase things as "when you do x, it makes me feel like y" rather than saying "You always neglect me"; this gives him the chance to see how his actions might impact on you and to explain to you what his true intentions are.

If he won't seek counselling then i would seriously recommend going by yourself in any case. If you're having problems managing your temper, alcohol intake, or communicating how you're feeling then it can really help to talk this through with someone.

[ThisIsWhatItSoundsLike]

I'm sure my not so DH could articulate just why he was compelled to be nasty and say the most hurtful things to me. Probably most abusive partners can give good reasons why they do/did what they do.

If you want a gauge for how bad it is, picture yourself saying those things to your children. If the thought makes your skin crawl you have no right to say them to anyone.
No exceptions. Nobody deserves to be abused.

Sorry OP you lost all argument/ground when you behaved in that way, if your DH chooses not to work things through he has every right.

Probably your best option would be to look at yourself and find out why you behaved that way and what needs to change about you so you can move forward and be happy be that either with your DH or alone.

[AgentJohnson]

Your not powerless here. What’s stopped you from working on your own issues solo with the support of a counsellor? The general tone of your posts is to apportion blame and not to take responsibility, beyond the self pitying ‘I’ve messed up’.

You can’t make your H engage, especially if you aren’t willing to take responsibility for your contribution to your relationship dynamic.

If you really are serious about trying to salvage your relationship, start with you, he will either match your efforts or he won’t. Either way, working on yourself would never be a waste of your time.

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

Op, you don’t have “so much together”, your relationship is no longer nice or healthy, it has gone for years. In fact, I believe all your nastyness and frustration comes from being so fed up with it.

It is natural that you are scared, we all divorced people have been in shock at the change of lifestyle for a good while when our relationships came to an end, but as many other divorced people, I can assure you that what you have been going through it is far more difficult than dealing with settling down in your new life away of that relationship.

I can say that being a separated parent is no walk on the park, but my life and that of my son is much happier (no nasty arguments at home every day, not feeling let down, etc), I look back at the last year of my marriage nowadays and I don’t question why we didn’t do more to save it... I just don’t understand why we kept going until things got so nasty, we should have parted company years before in good terms.

[wishpot]

Agentjohnson because I never realised I could go and work on our relationship alone until this post.

It never occurred to me that I could do relationship counselling without him. Surely he needs to hear it too?

I've had CBT for some personal issues over the past two years but my relationship was never really discussed during that.

I don't think my posts are all about apportioning blame on him but I'll try and read them again with an outside eye. I accept my part in our problems, I always have and I've spent a long time trying to talk things through with him. But now it's come to a point where we need to tackle it now.

I'm not self-pitying as you describe. I'm sad and regretful. I wish I'd stopped this drifting apart in its tracks when it started.

[wishpot]

*Notsure
*
Thanks, we do have so much together. To split would be to change our lifestyles drastically. I should make it clear, we don't have nasty arguments every day. We don't have arguments every day, nasty or not.

We actually still have fun together and we have some really good times. But the intimacy is lacking and I think it's because we are both too scared now to initiate it. I massively regret resorting to name calling, I do. I know it's wrong and that he doesn't have to listen to that or put up with it. Course I do

[DeeStopia]

Hmm. I would find it difficult to forgive in his position. Especially if, as in your posts, it sounds like "I'm sorry I called you a bastard but it was because you..." That is no apology, you'rejust reflecting the blame right back onto him and that's not fair.
It sounds like he neglected you, yes, but he did it by going and getting a job in order to give your family a better life. That isn't the same as calling someone vile names.
I really think that you need to think about how awful you'd feel if your spouse spoke to you like shit and disrespected you.

[wishpot]

I get why you think it sounds like that. I have never apologised to him in that way. I've apologised completely for what I've said, without excuses.

I've tried to explain on here how I got to the point that I said such horrible things.

I need to get it clear, I don't feel neglected because he worked away. I feel that the distance helped us to drift apart.

I felt neglected because he was less intimate, less interested in me to the point he never remembered any small detail to do with me or the kids.

Eg. If we were going on holiday he might repeatedly ask where we were going again? In two years he didn't take me anywhere or ask me to go out with him alone at all. We did, very occasionally, but it was all my effort and idea.

When we do go away etc we have a great time. I'm not ready to end things

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

You may have a house and kids but if he is neglecting you and you are abusing him that is not a home and you are really making your children a huge disfavour letting them grow up thinking that this is the way relationships are suppose to be.

Better to part in a civil/friendly way now than wait until you are totally destroyed and no longer able to keep things civil enough to ensure the kids are well patented in a separate family setting. Remember OP, you cannot have a one sided relationship, if you both want to save it, work for it, but if he has already decided he wants out, and he is firm about that, it is time to accept his decision and use whatever good Will is left to ensure you come out of it in good shape, so you can parent those kids and rebuild your lives in a positive way.

I hope things get sorted, but if they don’t... just remember that just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, it became a butterfly.

I posted this in Facebook in the 10th anniversary of my divorce (we spent 8 years in marriage counseling so you can be assured splitting was not a decision taken lightly in our case). I hope you find it helpful, it is not that bad on the other side

“10! Getting a divorce has been the most difficult decision of my life and also the one I am most proud of. Divorce is not the domain of cowards, HUGE courage is required to make this decision. Jumping into the void has taught me that nothing defeats me, I have learned to be free to be myself and true to my ideas and principles. I have learned to live with my freedom and to ignore the comments or ideas that may limit me , come from whom they come. I have learned to say enough when someone hurts me. But the most important thing is that I have learned that when you are true to yourself, life fills you with an immense happiness that no one can take away from you. In these years I have cried a few times but I have also laughed as never before. My life is fuller than it ever was. So now that it's been 10 years since X and I decided to walk on our own, I just want to tell those people who, after trying to save their marriage for years, are now thinking about divorcing or have just given the great step, that this is not the failure that people want you to believe, this is your chance to rebuild your life and that of your kids in the way that makes you happier.”

[Happynow]

A book which has helped me hugely is "The Relationship Handbook" by George Pransky (May 2017 edition), available on Amazon. It's a different approach ... take a look. Good luck x

[wishpot]

Thank you both for that. It's helpful.

He's not at the point where he wants to split either he says but we need time to sit and talk properly with no kids around. I don't want them hearing us!

I just hope we can mend this mess together. If not then I'll just have to be brave!