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I will never have the marrriage in your twenties and a young family. 36 and still not met the right one. Anyone else felt this?

(68 Posts)
parkedandroses Wed 05-Dec-18 20:33:35

I’m having a moping night tonight which isn’t attractive I know.

I’ve got my shit together - job, house, friends. I have interests but my job does take up a lot of my free time.

I’ve dated. Then given up. Then dated again. Mainly on dating apps.

Just feeling like it will never happen and all my friends married in their twenties.

Posting for support really. Tomorrow I will probably feel better again but I’m really low tonight sad xx

JaffaBiscuitNotCake Wed 05-Dec-18 21:22:16

I met my partner at 36 after being single a long time. It can be tough when everyone else is in a couple. I mostly loved being on my own but did have the odd mope too. Making a couple of new female friends who were also single helped!

Don't give up hope, the right person is out there. I've heard people say online dating is a numbers game and sooner or later you'll find a good one, so maybe keep going with that? flowers

Raintreeap Wed 05-Dec-18 21:24:31

Is there a reason you've not met anyone?

Butterymuffin Wed 05-Dec-18 21:26:37

I know someone who got married at 40, had a child at 41 and had a blissful family life which had never looked to be on the cards before. Don't give up.

ladybee28 Wed 05-Dec-18 21:35:32

Is there a reason you've not met anyone?

Aaaaaaaaargh.

OP – did you want a marriage in your twenties and a young family? Or is it more a case of feeling like your friendships are changing as their priorities change?

I never wanted a 'young family' situation – I wanted plenty of life experience, a nice set of jaw-dropping stories and more wisdom gathered before I committed to a relationship and started trying to raise children (not saying there's anything wrong with people who do want families young, just wasn't for me).

And I thank my lucky stars every day I never married any of the men I was with in my twenties grin

But I can imagine if it was something you always wanted, it must feel heavy.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 06-Dec-18 00:04:26

Have you considered being a single mom? Perhaps you won't find the relationship part in time to have children, although you might. Are you willing to risk not having children? If you are financially stable and you already have your own home, would having a baby on your own be something to consider?

Pogmella Thu 06-Dec-18 00:25:18

I got married at 27 after being together for 10 years, at 30 I had my DD, living the absolute dream. By the time DD was 9 months my 'D'H was shagging some idiot in his office. We promptly divorced before I was 33. I'm not sure if that's hugely helpful if you are worried about having kids, but just to say the fairy tale certainly does not always work out. I really think we should have lived apart and built careers separately, that kind if almost 'childhood sweethearts' thing often doesn'twithstand the pressures of real life. When you meet someone you'll know who you are much more than I did.

parkedandroses Thu 06-Dec-18 04:35:35

Thanks for the posts. I’m beginning to feel quite scared of ending up alone. Every time I’m on Facebook etc it feels like everyone is getting on with their lives and I’ve missed the boat. I hate it when people say make new single friends - I don’t have that much time to keep up with current friends and I’m not about to swap them?!

Just feel really low and like I won’t find anyone now. Everyone with the fairytale seems to have been married young.

Shk38 Thu 06-Dec-18 05:09:29

I met the love of my life aged 36, 3years ago we're married and expecting a baby now. Honestly, we often say one of the reasons we work so well is that we met when we were older. We'd made mistakes in previous relationships and understand ourselves and what we want from life and a partner better than ever before. This is the best relationship I've ever been in!
Have faith and you'll meet the right person, just don't give up.

Xx

parkedandroses Thu 06-Dec-18 05:13:02

Thanks. I keep thinking I’ve messed everything up to end up alone and awake at 5am - and not for a baby!

Where did you meet? Congratulations on the baby!

0SweetPotatoMash0 Thu 06-Dec-18 05:51:46

I hear you and I’m sorry you feel like this. I’m in a similar position and hate every minute of it. 36, divorced (unwanted on my side), no children (we were ttc). All my friends are married, the only single people are colleagues but they are 15 years younger and go out drinking a lot which isn’t my scene. I’ve tried making new friends but I don’t really know where and how. It’s a difficult age, and I’m scared too to end up alone.

No ide though what to do about it sad

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Thu 06-Dec-18 06:17:29

I married a wrong 'un in my twenties, because I believed otherwise I'd always be alone. Divorced in my 30s and then expected to be alone for ever. Hadn't even had a boyfriend with whom I felt a spark.

Until I was 41. My partner was 51 when I met him and similarly had thought there wasn't anyone out there for him.

YeOldeTrout Thu 06-Dec-18 06:21:17

I know almost no one under 50 who married in their 20s... except DH (to me smile ). Have you very old-fashioned values, OP? DH was raised that way. His brother is gay so probably will never get married (due to the old fashioned values, in spite of fairly LT rel).

In older generations I know people who got married young & had quickly failed marriages or unhappy long ones.

Hisaishi Thu 06-Dec-18 06:29:40

I met my husband when I was 34, I think. But I had been single and ecstatically happy about it for a year beforehand. You have to be I think. If you aren't happy being single, I think it's much harder to find a suitable partner because you end up dating any old trash just to avoid being alone.

I had mh problems all through my 20s so I didn't even have the job/friends/home etc. And I wasted a lot of time thinking that everyone else had it all figured out except me.

Your life is now OP. It doesn't start when you meet someone. Every day is the day when you can decide to change things. If you're not happy with how things are, what can you do differently? Because Mr Right doesn't just fall from the sky or turn up while you hang around waiting for him. So you have to make it so you're happy/satisfied being single. If he turns up - great. If he doesn't - that should also be great.

Yes, nature is cruel in that we have a limited window to have a baby. But there's adoption, there's fostering, there's IVF etc etc. There are a million options for people these days. And you don't HAVE to have a baby. If that's what you want, figure out how it's possible to do it alone.

The ones who got married in their 20s may be happy, may not be. We don't know what's going on in other people's lives. By the time you get to 40, you start seeing all the divorces, cheating, 'love you but not in love with you' scripts play out over and over. Not everyone. But enough to know that the 'fairytale ending' is not a thing.

I did a lot of meditation, mindfulness and radical acceptance therapy. I wouldn't say I'm not the happiest person in the world, but the happiest version of me. I feel at peace with whatever happens. I love my husband and he's amazing, but if I didn't have him, I'd be happy too.

He's not the person I need - I'M the person I need. Get to that point and man/no man, you'll be fine.

wayof Thu 06-Dec-18 06:34:11

Honestly I think there is something in the "missed the boat" stuff.

I know there will be and there are stories of people who meet their partner at 39 years and 11 months and get pregnant immediately but mostly I do think things change quite suddenly and dramatically after 35.

wayof Thu 06-Dec-18 06:37:07

Oh and "There are millions of options"? Bollocks.

You can adopt alone, first proving that you have an adequate home for a child (so easy when you live alone) and can provide for a child alone (also really easy when living on one salary.)

Or you can go through expensive fertility treatment.

But you know what? You still won't experience parenting as a couple and a lot of people want that. You won't experience someone holding your hand as you give birth, you won't experience buying a pram with your partner, you won't experience the joys of first steps and words and share loving a whole new person with someone you love.

Fostering is a full time job (I have lost count of the number of times I have said this) and it isn't "your" child, either in the sense that you are seen as her parent or in the eyes of the law.

Hisaishi Thu 06-Dec-18 06:37:40

wayof Obviously in terms of having a baby, it's harder the older you get, although not as dramatically as previously thought. But we have a lot of medical interventions these days, as well as fostering/adoption etc.

Also, we don't all NEED to have a baby. It's also possible to happy without one (in fact people who don't have children have been shown to be significantly happier than those with babies.)

Hisaishi Thu 06-Dec-18 06:40:26

Oh and "There are millions of options"? Bollocks

Are you always this rude to people?

So you won't experience that stuff. And that's sad. But I'll never experience, I don't know, a happy childhood, my grandparents meeting my kids, my father's love etc etc. And that's just life. It sucks, but that's how it just is.

There are a LOT of options these days. Sorry that it's not actually millions.

Maybe OP will find someone, maybe she won't. Maybe she'll have a baby, maybe she won't. If she doesn't find someone, then she can still be happy, baby or no baby.

wayof Thu 06-Dec-18 06:41:04

Probably because that was an active choice they made.

Will people stop with the fostering line? When you foster a child, it is in itself a job. A single person in their mid thirties cannot usually quit work and then stay at home waiting for SS to get in touch and see if they can foster a child (after going through training etc.)

Foster parents usually have had or have their own children.

Adoption is not easy. Not everyone will be accepted, and a single person needs a fuck of a lot of money and flexibility in order to be accepted.

Fertility treatment costs a fortune, may or may not work and you're still a single parent, it's expensive, and stressful. I'm not saying OP can't do it, but I am saying let's not pretend it's exactly the same as experiencing having a baby with a loving and supportive partner.

wayof Thu 06-Dec-18 06:42:00

There are three options. Adoption, having her own baby via some form of donated sperm, or suck it up.

None of them are particularly appealing.

She's allowed to be upset about that.

Hisaishi Thu 06-Dec-18 06:42:45

No one is saying it's the same.

They're saying there are options.

Hisaishi Thu 06-Dec-18 06:43:35

Where did I say she can't be upset?

There are many things in life to be upset about.

The key is to accept those things.

wayof Thu 06-Dec-18 06:43:55

And I am saying those options are nothing like the option the OP actually wants smile

Hisaishi Thu 06-Dec-18 06:45:00

And there are plenty of people who adopt/use donated sperm. Are there relationships with their kids somehow lesser because those don't appeal to you personally?

All any of us can do is to suck up whatever life presents to us. That's the long and short of it, really.

batshitbetty Thu 06-Dec-18 06:45:44

I'm 41, been with my OH for 4 years (single for best part of a decade before that) so don't give up hope if it's what you want. Having said that though there are lots of upsides to being single!

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