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lazy husband/life(43 Posts)
Long-time lurker here, I’ve just never had the guts to post about my situation I guess…I just feel like I’ve reached breaking point and last night I ended up crying myself to sleep. DH is just so lazy, I don’t know if he’s always been like this or if I’m just noticing it more.
So, been married for 5 years and have one child aged 2. I work part-time, 25 hours per week. DH works and pays the majority of the bills, food shopping etc. as he earns much more. However, although he works, he works a lot less than I do. Approximately 6 hours a week, some weeks not even that (it would be outing to say any more). He also is doing a course at the moment, he attends classes 2 days a week though doesn’t always turn up. He also looks after our child 1 day per week whilst I work.
I came home from work last night late to him sitting on the sofa watching the TV, the kitchen was a mess. Dishwasher hadn’t been emptied from the morning, dirty dishes piled up on top of it, surfaces and highchair hadn’t been wiped. Slow cooker hadn’t been cleaned from the night before. Nothing cooked for dinner. Washing still on the line from when I’d hung it out in the morning. This is a regular occurrence.
I do 99% of everything in the house, all cleaning, washing floors, cleaning bathrooms, hoovering and washing. He would never do any of the above. I also do majority of food shopping, meal planning though he probably does do half the cooking. Things like making sure little one has clean clothes, batch cooking meals, taking bins out etc etc the list is endless, all fall to me. I’m just so tired.
With childcare, yes he looks after her one day a week whilst I work but I have to wake him up or he wouldn’t get up. He never gets up early in the morning, he has a drink problem though is a very high functioning alcoholic I’d say. He drinks on average half a bottle of spirits a night (doesn’t drink before little one is in bed). He stays up really late, say between 3-5am and then sleeps till around midday the next day. He never gets up in the morning with little one, I mean never. I have to wake him up the day he looks after little one.
We rarely argue and we do get on, spend time sitting together having dinner and watching TV etc in the evening. However, the last few days I’ve just been feeling bleuch, there’s got to be more to this, I very rarely get a break. I never get a lie in and I mean never, unless my parents take her overnight.
I do every night wake up, morning, breakfast routine, bath and bed time…this morning I got up and his socks were on the living room floor, empty beer can and glass on the side, dirty dishes and rubbish on top of the counter above dishwasher. I had to tidy up as my parents were coming to look after little one. I then put on tonight’s dinner, whereas he just gets up as late as he possibly can and goes (he has class today).
Sorry if this is garbled, I’ll probably end up adding more as there’s bit I’ve forgotten. I don’t know what I want from this, just needed to vent.
Why are you with this person at all given also that he is an alcoholic?. Apart from money what is he bringing to the table here other than a whole heap of stress and misery. He sees the chores as beneath him and therefore that is your job in his eyes; he really does have no respect for you whatsoever.
What is in this for you that you remain with him still?.
Is this really the relationship model you want to be showing your child to be seeing here?. Would you want your daughter to have a relationship like this as an adult, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either. I would be planning a swift exit from such a relationship.
In the nicest possible way, why on earth are you living this shit life with a man who clearly has no respect, even for himself; no wonder you are feeling despondent, it sounds utterly shit!
He really does think you are a servant OP, he's a crap partner and a crap father, this is as good as it gets for you, do you really want to spend your life with this kind of person?
Imagine if you split, he'd had to actually be involved in being an adult, or then again, he'd probably go back to mummy's and get her to do everything you do, including looking after his child.
He is not a high functioning alcoholic - he is an alcoholic pure and simple
Save yourself and your daughter - you cannot save him only he can do that
The fact that he is an alcoholic is in itself a good enough reason to take your DC and get out of this sham of a relationship.
He has it made doesn't he? He barely works, has a cook, a cleaner and someone to birth and raise his child(ren). I expect he gets his own way in the bedroom too. And the cherry on his perfect little life cake is the little woman doing all of this for him doesn't even argue with him about it! We rarely argue and we do get on
because you don't kick off about it.
This man will not change, he has no reason to change, and as a child of an alcoholic parent I can tell you with hand on heart that the only time he might possibly change is when he hits rock bottom (and maybe not even then) and you really don't want to be around if and when that happens.
Set a good example for your child, ditch his useless ass.
Don't raise your daughter to believe this is what a man or marriage should be. You and she deserve a lot better.
You must be a young woman, why are you accepting this life? Surely you had higher expectations for yourself and your future. Are you able to move in with family or friends and get away from this situation?
You need to leave him. Chiefly because he has a drink problem and you are leaving your child in the care of a man who drinks half a bottle of spirits late a night at elastic one following morning a week.
The other reasons about him being a useless, lazy, scummy git are just bonus material. If you rent taking him to task over his rank behaviour and certainly his drinking then it suggests to me you are not reluctant to you are fearful of doing so: that doesn't bode well.
Get out of there it will just get worse. Don't ruing your life and most importantly that of an innocent child.
*at least not elastic. I don't know what's happened to my typing.
Hi @Stripysocks2 I realise a lot of posters are saying to leave. However do you think your dh could be exhibiting some signs of depression? The drinking and the staying in bed coupled with the lack self care/domestic cleanliness and lack of enthusiasm for life. You said sometimes he doesn’t go to his classes etc. Is it worth having chat with you dh when you dc is in bed? Maybe just approach it along the lines of how nothing is done around the house and you’ve noticed he’s been lying in bed, drinking and not always going to his classes, juat say you’re concerned and ask him is he may be depressed. I think communication is vital in this situation and you really need to let your dh know how you’re really feeling and how much his behaviour is upsetting you. At least give it a try before just chucking in the towel as some suggest. Good luck x
Thanks ladies, I know you’re all right. I think I’m just so worn down with it all, just so tired, does that make sense? I have challenged him about his behaviours many times but very little changes.
Believe it or not I’m an intelligent women, I’ve 2 degrees and a good career. I just don’t know what it is with him. I haven’t admitted to anyone in real life how bad things are. I think my mum possibly has an inkling of how useless he is.
To the poster who asked if I could stay with friends or family, yes either of my parents would have me or my little one any time. And yes I am young, late 20’s.
If your dh won’t change or do anything to help himself like going to the doctors etc than it may be fine to reevaluate.
@cocbana yes I think he is depressed, he’s suffered from depression throughout his life though will not see the Dr for it as previously when he took medication it may him feel like a zombie. I don’t think all this is down to depression though.
@Stripysocks2 I know medication on its own isn’t always the answer. Has he been offered CBT or an opportunity to talk to somebody? Or is this not something he would consider. Yes some of it could just be laziness but I wonder if his depression is treated properly would the rest follow.
I think definitely sit down and have a good heart to heart with him and let him know where you’re at in regards to the status of the relationship. If he doesn’t listen to your warnings maybe then that time to rethink whether you want to stay.
@cocobana he would never go to a counsellor, I have suggested it previously. Perhaps you’re right and it is the depression.
That’s difficult if he won’t do anything to help himself. Have told him you can’t live with his depression unless he gets it treated? Maybe brutal honestly is what’s needed here. If you have done this already I think it’s his own fault if you leave. So sorry you’re going through this
Have you confronted him about this???? What is his response?
It's extremely cuntish of him but if someone appeared to be happy to do all housework and clean up after you then why would he bother doing anything, he's got it made!
OP it might be worth while you going along to an Al-Anon meeting in your area. It could give you some help in understanding the impact his drinking is having on you and your DC and give you some tools to move forward. Also you'll be able to connect with other people who are going through similar situations which can help as you will see you aren't the only person dealing with something like this.
If your DP is depressed don't let that be an excuse for his behaviour, he could get help for that but he doesn't want to. You said yourself he will never go to a counsellor. You've challenged him before and he hasn't done anything to change. I get that he's tried AD meds before and they haven't made him feel great but there is a lot of different meds out there and the odds of the 1st kind he's prescribed being the right ones are slim. He needs to work with his Dr to find the right ones for him but he won't bother. You can't help someone that won't help themselves.
You need to make firm plans to leave this individual before you are further dragged down with him. This is really what he is doing now, he is dragging you and your child down with him into his pit.
You cannot rescue and or save him here. You can ultimately only help your own self.
Alcohol is itself a depressant and he is likely self medicating with alcohol. By being with him at all you are simply enabling him to carry on as usual whilst you bust a gut in the process. Its not doing you any good.
You've tried talking to him and its got you nowhere; nothing has really now changed in that respect. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy so you really do need to start opening up to people more like your mother. It may also do you a huge service to talk to Al-anon.
What is his work? These are very odd hours to be a high earner. I suspect his issues are in his job and he is in the wrong job but trapped.
I think the main issue here is that he is an alcoholic. This man is only working 6 hours a week whilst not always attending a course two days a week.
OP is simply propping him up and otherwise enabling him by remaining at all within this situation. Its no life for her DD either. The fact that OP herself cannot or equally will not answer what she is herself getting out of this relationship also speaks volumes.
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