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DH touching me whilst asleep

(428 Posts)

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qwertyl Mon 03-Dec-18 22:45:45

Am downstairs in utter shock.... after an early night and offer of back rub from'd'h woke up to find him touching me.... I stopped him before he went further but he'd already put his fingers inside me I'm sure to check if I was asleep.... oh god I feel sick. I hate him right now envy

Mummab1991 Fri 17-May-19 15:59:10

flowers thinking of you OP x

PepsiLola Fri 17-May-19 15:54:21

@pinkyredrose no she is not, and I apologise if insensitive

DawgLover Fri 17-May-19 15:54:22

I am so sorry this happened OP. Please ensure you are safely away from this repulsive man as soon as possible

Lweji Fri 17-May-19 15:39:01

Has it?

Bwekfusth Fri 17-May-19 15:36:32

If this happened to me, and I wasn't upset, and I didn't feel like I'd been sexually assaulted, does it still mean I've been sexually assaulted?

pinkyredrose Fri 17-May-19 15:14:40

PepsiLola the OP isn't responsible for stopping him attacking anyone else!

PepsiLola Fri 17-May-19 14:55:52

If you're not doing this for yourself do it for anyone else this man could do the same to!

Tell you friend what happened and ask her to watch DD whilst you chat to police

PepsiLola Fri 17-May-19 14:54:52

Please call the police!!!!!!

winecigsandchoc Fri 17-May-19 12:51:46

His behaviour is horrifying @qwertyl in so sorry this happened to you. You need to go to the police and explain everything. He can't get away with this- he's a rapist who likes to rape women whilst they sleep. It's utterly chilling.

DitchyMcAbandonpants Fri 17-May-19 11:31:21

op - please make sure you protect yourself in every way possible. Get an emergency kit together for you and the dc's, so that you can leave at a moment's notice if you feel threatened. Also, work out a plan with someone you trust - a friend, your mum or another close relative, so that if the worst comes to the worst and you need to escape quickly, you have somewhere to go for an immediate refuge.

Keep a journal of everything that's happened and continues to happen - any controlling behaviour, any odd emails, texts and letters he's sent you which might allude to what's happened or apologising or even making excuses for it.

But either way, it's critical to keep the journal and the emergency kit somewhere he won't find them.

This happened to someone close to me. It'd been going on for years before she mentioned it to me, saying that other people in the past had been incredulous, dismissive or minimised it - things along the lines of "it couldn't have been that bad if you're still with him".

Anyway, the moment she had an outlet and was able to talk it through and realise that, despite his best attempts to gaslight, manipulate and control her, what he wasn't doing wasn't acceptable. She'd told him numerous times that she didn't consent to this but the moment she started getting external validation, he started escalating the controlling behaviour and getting worse.

Then it came to a head, the police were called and he was arrested. In court, his solicitor did his best to paint both her and I as bitter, manipulative women who planned together to get an innocent man convicted and jailed because she'd benefit more than if they divorced.

Luckily, our texts discussing it and checking in with each other, along with the journal she kept and his attempts at gaslighting and threatening her were all consistent and allowed them to identify 5 specific occasions to charge him with rape. (there were many more but they need to be able to prosecute on proof of specific instances).

He's now in jail and she's rebuilding her life. The Freedom Programme was also something she found useful.

I don't think people on here are trying to minimise it, if I'm honest - I think it's more that they don't understand what it's like. God knows it's something I wouldn't have been able to truly understand before this. But, regardless, his behaviour is abhorrent, grotesque and illegal. Do NOT let him (or anyone else) convince you that it's normal, acceptable or pretend it isn't happening and you're paranoid.

But please remember that his current behaviour isn't the whole picture and if he feels he's losing control over what he clearly considers to be his property, he'll escalate to stop it getting out and to keep you quiet.

Please, please, please - get everything ready so that you can take your kids and leave at a moment's notice. Yours and their safety is paramount - do everything you can to protect yourself and trust your gut - if you feel scared, then you need to leave.

Sorry for the essay OP but, having seen it almost destroy an incredibly strong, intelligent and wonderful woman, my heart's breaking for you and the situation you're in. flowers

You'll deal with it in the way that works for you and once you do, you will be fine. And in the future, when he's rotting away somewhere wondering what went wrong and blaming everyone else but himself, you'll be the strong one that he couldn't break, despite what he's putting you through now.

Quartz2208 Fri 17-May-19 10:59:47

You being awake doesnt mean you consented though have you actually said that to him - that he had sex with you you didnt want or consent to. You being awake is incidenetail

Sassandfaff1 Fri 17-May-19 10:47:17

If he knew you were awake......why would he wipe you?

Removing any evidence isn't something you do, if the person's awake.

justilou1 Fri 17-May-19 10:46:58

I’m proud of you for telling your friend. You need someone in real life who loves you to lean on. What kind of sick fuck gets off on that? What a bastard!!!

XXVaginaAndAUterus Fri 17-May-19 10:20:00

If he "knew you were awake" and you were unresponsive he should ALSO have not been doing it, the gaslighting creep!! angry that's NO excuse.

He knows you hate your tummy being grabbed (I don't think anybody would like that), he knows he didn't have you're permission to do things to you in your sleep, he knows... just, he KNOWS. I'm FURIOUS on your behalf!! angry

qwertyl Fri 17-May-19 09:27:16

Morning, well he's just carrying on as usual and keeps saying he knew I was awake. I keep going over it and there's just no way, and after last time, why wouldn't you be sure to check and make sure....? I know our sex like isn't perfect but I'm generally responsive...! He's an utter asshole. I need to put a plan in place to protect me and DC and to get my finances in order but I won't be sleeping anywhere near him. I'm also going to tell my friend so she can be there when he tries to keep denying he did anything wrong. angryangry

Jaxinthebox Fri 17-May-19 08:48:17

oh god, what a shit he is. Please do tell your friend. She will be there for you and seeing him in a different light is what is needed.

MrMeSeeks Fri 17-May-19 08:34:45

Go to her, let her see him in a diff light. You owe him nothing

MrsMozartMkII Fri 17-May-19 08:16:01

How you doing lass?

LuluBellaBlue Fri 17-May-19 07:25:39

The father of my son would do this too and was one of the reasons I left him, everyone still says what an amazing man he is, so kind, friendly, generous..... and he is! He’s also sexually depraved though too and I wish now I’d been brave enough to speak out and speak up about what was really going on!
You seem very brave, sorry this is happening to you flowers

Oohgossip Fri 17-May-19 01:32:36

flowers

justilou1 Thu 16-May-19 21:28:40

Please call your friend!!

justthecat Thu 16-May-19 20:10:03

Tell your friend, she’d want you to and be be able to be there to support you.

desklamp Thu 16-May-19 19:11:58

Sweetheart, you need to see him in a different light, too.

Looking at family photos of my abusive husband gives me the shivers now. He has dead eyes and I wonder how I never noticed it before.

Sassandfaff1 Thu 16-May-19 18:58:49

I agree. She needs to see him in a different light. Imagine how upset you would be for a friend, if you were all nice and chummy with her husband, thinking he was a good bloke and then you found out he repeatedly sexually assaulted and had also raped her.

I would want to stand by my friend and stab him in the eyes

TeacupDrama Thu 16-May-19 18:40:52

she needs to see him in a different light

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