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DH touching me whilst asleep

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qwertyl Mon 03-Dec-18 22:45:45

Am downstairs in utter shock.... after an early night and offer of back rub from'd'h woke up to find him touching me.... I stopped him before he went further but he'd already put his fingers inside me I'm sure to check if I was asleep.... oh god I feel sick. I hate him right now envy

Notcoolmum Tue 04-Dec-18 10:56:29

My ex did this on a regular basis. I would wake up to find he was having sex with me. I told him I didn’t like it but it carrried in happening. In the end I felt frightened to be in my own bed and he physically repulsed me.
I didn’t equate it with rape then. But I do now. Make it clear you do not want this to happen again and that it is sexual assault. If he does this to you again after that conversation then you know what sort of man he is. If you don’t already.

Sorry this has happened to you.

qwertyl Tue 04-Dec-18 10:56:34

Thank you all for support, my message was taken down overnight and it was a long sleepless night. I don't want to be rash but I don't think I should spell out to him, you shouldn't sexually touch me or anyone whilst they are asleep - it was very different to lazily waking up and hoping for sex in the morning! Very different and makes me feel like I don't know him at all - I will perhaps tell a close friend, I just don't want to have to leave my dc there without me because of his behaviour...thanks for the support MNers thanks

Rattinghat Tue 04-Dec-18 11:01:03

The grabbing of the tummy thing is weird and horrible. I am chubby and have experienced this twice from different men, it could probably be classed as assaults. Once by my friend's husband in their kitchen, out of the blue. Another time on a bus by a guy I barely knew. They both actually lunged and grabbed my tummy roll. I had the feeling both times that it was a power thing, like the guys knew I would probably be mortified. Also they are both known as guys who are rather shallow and like glamorous women. Weird weird weird.

Zulor Tue 04-Dec-18 11:01:11

I'm kind of with Shepherd on this one. Maybe he was hoping you'd wake up? I don't know. It's really hard to tell, as I wasn't the one experiencing it. But you were awake anyway? You said he had a good old grope to check you were asleep? Were you just pretending to be asleep? Why didn't you smack his hand away instantly when he started? I would have! Probably going to get flamed for asking that question as I'm sure you had your reasons.

Adora10 Tue 04-Dec-18 11:03:31

Even more shocked at folk minimising what you have gone through and clearly not reading the thread properly!!!!

Instead of imaging a scenario where you were not there, maybe listen to what the OP has told you all, idiots!

BobbinsBoo1 Tue 04-Dec-18 11:05:06

Was he fully awake himself?
I've woken up several times where dh had been touching me in his sleep. I think it's mostly been on night where we were going to have sex but for various reasons it didn't happen so he went to sleep thinking about sex and then didn't do it consciously. I have also done it to dh. I have no problem with it in my relationship but we all have very different boundaries and if this is a no go for you then it shouldn't happen.

If you believe he is waiting for you to go to sleep and is touching you internationally while you're not aware of it and you think it has happened in the past and he's denied it I think there is a very serious problem. I would not be ok with that in my relationship despite being completely comfortable with my dh touching me in my sleep to wake me for sex. Touching you and doing sexual acts to you when you don't wake or aren't aware is abuse and makes me feel sick and disgusted on your behalf. I hope you're ok op. I think you and your dh need to have a very serious conversation about what he does when you are sleeping because if it's how it seems then he has a problem.

Nesssie Tue 04-Dec-18 11:05:27

I actually think you do need to '*spell out to him, you shouldn't sexually touch me or anyone whilst they are asleep*'. As this post has shown, different couples have different boundaries. You don't think it is acceptable - absolutely your right to think that, but I do think you need to tell him. Then if he does it again, its rape.

ScattyPenny Tue 04-Dec-18 11:06:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BobbinsBoo1 Tue 04-Dec-18 11:07:03

That should say intentionally not internationally

Rattinghat Tue 04-Dec-18 11:08:05

I am not minimising anything, I am just saying don't underestimate how dumb and clueless men are, and their weird way of looking at the world. He may have no idea he has done something very wrong.

MissLadyM Tue 04-Dec-18 11:09:07

This is really distressing. It's a vile thing to do and he knows it's wrong. I'd be worried why he's doing it and where it will end. A friend of mine found loads of explicit pictures on her boyfriend's phone that had taken of her when she was asleep. Grotesque and in my view, a crime.

RedDeadRoach Tue 04-Dec-18 11:11:08

Why didn't you smack his hand away instantly when he started?

Fuck off with your victim blaming.

Unfortunately you seem to have a few women with few boundaries posting on your thread op.

Any decent man would not need it to be spelt out the him that he shouldn't touch someone sexually while they're asleep. Unfortunately on these kind of threads they are usually a few women that pop up and say that it's not that bad really. Maybe trying to justify to themselves that they partners also do similar but they don't want to leave.

It IS that bad. It's still sexual assault even if she hasn't told him not to do it. She hasn't given her consent. It's sexual assault. She can't consent if she's asleep.

qwertyl Tue 04-Dec-18 11:11:15

I dont mind the questions at all it's why I came In here as I don't know if I'm over reacting.

I have, on a couple of occasions woken about an hour after being in bed to find him 'moving me' he's said it's because I was snoring (accept that, I am a heavier sleeper than him and I fall asleep earlier than him a lot) I can't honestly tell you when or why but about 8-12 months ago I half made a joke about being wet down below and there have been a couple of occasions where I've woken to him pulling me but around the waist - he has a high sex drive.... I just had a gut feeling but really thought he wouldn't do that (I wouldn't care if he went off to relieve himself but I think touching someone else is really over steeping his needs...) maybe I'm wrong, that's why I feel quite confused and upset this morning. As I mentioned, I'd fallen asleep and he went to touch my tummy but that woke me up and I rolled over - I was then dozing for 30 or so minutes but perhaps my previous paranoia woke me when he really grabbed me again - it's the stomach touching which he knows if I was fully awake (or partially) I would have swatted him away followed quickly by putting his fingers in me. I'm almost sure he would have gone further - also hugely concerned I may have slept heavily enough for him to do it - probably after a few wines. Sorry to ramble, hope that explains in more context...

RedDeadRoach Tue 04-Dec-18 11:12:22

If it were me, and I wasn'[t in the mood, I'd just gently push my partner away and tell him I was too tired and promise him a cuddle the next morning.

She was asleep. He put his fingers inside her without consent. Are you being deliberately obtuse?

Nesssie Tue 04-Dec-18 11:12:38

Is waking up my partner with a blow job now unacceptable? Only if hes told me it's unacceptable.

ScattyPenny Tue 04-Dec-18 11:12:49

Reddead, no. I'm not trying to justify anything. Sorry to be graphic but if most men woke up to their partners giving them a blow job they would be ecstatic. Is that rape????

It's about trust.

ScattyPenny Tue 04-Dec-18 11:13:15

Haha sorry Nessie....cross posted re blowjobs!!

RedDeadRoach Tue 04-Dec-18 11:14:04

Op, you're not overreacting. It sounds like this has been going on for a while. I think you need to leave him. You can ask the people you love for help without telling them exactly why. But let me just tell you that you have nothing to be ashamed of. He's done this to you, it's his shame not yours.

ScattyPenny Tue 04-Dec-18 11:15:00

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Mimipee Tue 04-Dec-18 11:15:03

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RedDeadRoach Tue 04-Dec-18 11:15:46

If you have previously had a conversation with your partner and they have said that they are happy for you to wake them up with a blowjob then no, it's not sexual assault. Obviously. It's not fucking rocket science. But what part of this post do you not understand that she has not given her consent for him to touch her while she's asleep?

Rattinghat Tue 04-Dec-18 11:15:49

Sorry to be crude but I like being woken up by a (steady) boyfriend starting to have sex with me from behind. I don't need to give consent specifically, rather if I wasn't in the mood I would push him away and expect him not to persist. It's the furtiveness of this incident that gives me the creeps.

ScattyPenny Tue 04-Dec-18 11:18:18

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fashionista101 Tue 04-Dec-18 11:18:33

@Nesssie @ScattyPenny I was just about to ask this?

RedDeadRoach Tue 04-Dec-18 11:18:38

I'm not overreacting actually. Op feels like she's been violated. And she has. Why do you want to try and convince her she hasn't? It is real sexual assault by the way. Do you think it's not because she's in a relationship with him? Definition:

"Sexual assault is an act in which a person intentionally sexually touches another person without that person's consent."

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