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DH touching me whilst asleep

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qwertyl Mon 03-Dec-18 22:45:45

Am downstairs in utter shock.... after an early night and offer of back rub from'd'h woke up to find him touching me.... I stopped him before he went further but he'd already put his fingers inside me I'm sure to check if I was asleep.... oh god I feel sick. I hate him right now envy

LuluBellaBlue Wed 18-Dec-19 13:58:12

Sending you hugs OP flowers

Heidi3333 Wed 18-Dec-19 13:20:48

My ex often used to touch me sexually when we were both asleep and it didn't bother me, in fact I often got into it. However, if he tried anything when I was asleep and he was awake that'd be different.

Sunflowersok Wed 18-Dec-19 09:12:58

Oh OP, I’m so sorry.

I had this happen to me too. But your post and reading it has only just made me realise that it happened to me.

I fell asleep with a friend in the couch one night when I was about 15. I woke up to him groping me. I didn’t respond and pretended to be asleep because I didn’t want anything and I was scared to confront him. He went as far as having his fingers inside and and rubbing himself against me. All the time he thought I was asleep.

Op I don’t mean to make any accusations please take this lightly. Would you think it would be worth checking his phone for anything he may have recorded or photographed? There is a lot of sleep ‘rape’ porn out there of people who have videoed themselves with their sleeping wives or girlfriends, home made stuff. Just trying to make sure you cover all angles and you protect yourself from anything potentially outing. I know that’s a double whammy from what he’s already done and I’m not saying he would go that far, but as you have stated he may have done it before it might be worth it just to be in the safe side.

He’s very much in denial isn’t he, that would upset me even more. There’s no respect there for him to even admit to you his wrongful actions OP.

Interestedwoman Wed 18-Dec-19 08:40:48

'he came back and purposely felt across my tummy grabbing at it and my heart was pumping out of my chest he knows I hate it so much, he had his hand then on my hip for a few mins and so on, I still can't even fully explain the methodical nature of it, he never said a word he then got a sheet/tissue, I still don't know to try and wipe away trace, and to some great extent he spent doing that -'

This is worse even than fingering you while you were asleep. He purposefully did something he knew if you were awake you would hate- because he got off on you being in a situation (asleep) where you weren't able to say no.

The cleaning up thing is yet another thing that adds to it- he wasn't just ignorant/unthinking, he knew what he was doing was really wrong.

Ugh! So sorry you went through this. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it. I hope you do leave xxxxx

CoupeCourte Wed 18-Dec-19 03:50:39

What would you need to feel like you could leave? There's a hive mind here of women who want to help you do exactly that. Are you worried about finances, logistics, protecting your children, that he might not let you leave?

I wish you all the strength in the world OP. It takes time for some of us to leave: just keep going. thanks

qwertyl Tue 17-Dec-19 23:19:34

This just flashed up for some reason - Reading it all back is so hard. We're here, it's crumbling and I want to go but don't know how.... thank you all for your unwavering support x

lookingatthemoon Tue 10-Dec-19 16:32:48

@qwertyl Hi OP I often think of you and your DD and just wondered if you managed to get away or not? Did you report your DH? Hopefully things are much better now.

busybarbara Thu 05-Sep-19 22:07:55

You definitely sure he wasn't trying to sexily wake you up?

It literally doesn't matter even if he was. Being touched when you're asleep without consent is assault and insta-divorce territory imho

Nottrueatall Thu 05-Sep-19 20:27:31

@qwertyl, how are things now? Did you manage to leave? Is he still minimising?

alcoholyoulater Wed 12-Jun-19 08:28:12

mrsxrocky Does any of what he did sound sexy to you? hmm

MrsxRocky Wed 12-Jun-19 08:24:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

boymum9 Wed 12-Jun-19 08:15:16

@qwertyl I'm so sorry to hear this and you're now in this situation, I really really feel for you. It didn't happen again to me but we split and he moved out about 2 months and since then life regarding him has been extremely tough and has turned into something like borderline stalking. I hope you're ok

chocolatesparkles Wed 29-May-19 20:57:17

Op I'm so sorry to hear this. I remember reading your thread at the time. The blatant
Tummy grab to see how you reacted. You must have been so scared/angry. I hope you get out of their for you and your DD.

Itsallchange Wed 29-May-19 20:41:21

OP hope your ok, just checking in on your post and noticed you haven’t updated for a few days xx

Ihatehashtags Sat 18-May-19 11:35:26

That is awful. From zero to fingering is so crude and creepy.

Mirrormirrorlady Sat 18-May-19 11:16:36

What an absolute scumbag your DH is. Kick him out and change the locks. And go to police to get an injunction or some sort of order to keep the sick F££k away from you.

Sending you love and hugs OP 💐

spellingtest Sat 18-May-19 11:01:30

OP, I'm so sorry to hear what has happened to you. I know it will be very difficult but please report it to the police. It's not like it is a one off and you deserve to feel safe. Good luck.

DuffBeer Sat 18-May-19 10:09:30

FFS - it doesn't matter if he thought you were 'awake' you were not responding, not consenting.

He thinks he can abuse you because you're married. Fuck that. Fuck him. Bastard.

Weenurse Sat 18-May-19 09:42:59

Police, or he will continue to minimise this and not realise how serious it is.

TeacupDrama Sat 18-May-19 09:25:23

you need to talk to a lawyer asap I am sure you can make him leave for doing this why should you leave?
you can't change locks on a marital home unless you have a non-molestation or non- harassment order
I can see why you perhaps don't want to involve police but you need to think about kids, why the upheaval of taking them out of their home so he doesn't have disruption etc, if going to police is the only way of keeping your kids in family home that is what you need to do

qwertyl Fri 17-May-19 21:52:04

Thank you all, I will report and I'm looking at options to move DC away, and I completely get the waking me up sleepy sex thing, that's why I haven't told anyone (I've text my friend to meet and chat, I don't want to do over text or phone) because I've been with him nearly 20 years, I know the difference between trying to instigate sex and trying his luck, we have young DCs etc - here, he waited until he thought I was asleep, I'd turned my light out nearly an hour before, he'd been sulking about not having had sex of all of 4/5 days, he pulled me across the bed before he went to do teeth etc (I'm sure to see if I was asleep - caveat, we like a few glasses of wine and after a few I am a heavy sleeper, that night I'd had none) , he came back and purposely felt across my tummy grabbing at it and my heart was pumping out of my chest he knows I hate it so much, he had his hand then on my hip for a few mins and so on, I still can't even fully explain the methodical nature of it, he never said a word he then got a sheet/tissue, I still don't know to try and wipe away trace, and to some great extent he spent doing that - it makes me feel sick thinking about it but I have to keep doing that to stop him minimising and pretending it was just sleepy sex, it was not. I need to get somewhere to go in place and then I will go, even if a hotel but want to minimise disruption for DC and make sure I have funds to support us shock

Quartz2208 Fri 17-May-19 18:48:22

Unless you have pre consented or he just tried and stopped as soon as it was indicated you were asleep or said no then yes Bwek he did

CodenameVillanelle Fri 17-May-19 17:29:14

OP if you report him to the police he will be forced to leave the house and you can apply for a legal order while he's gone.

Bwekfusth Fri 17-May-19 17:13:17

@DitchyMcAbandonpants I didn't mean to offend, it was a genuine question, the post made me ponder a bit. Actually happened last week and I told him to fuck off, which he did. Now I'm wondering if I should have been annoyed.

DitchyMcAbandonpants Fri 17-May-19 16:19:21

If this happened to me, and I wasn't upset, and I didn't feel like I'd been sexually assaulted, does it still mean I've been sexually assaulted?

If you didn't feel upset or like you've been sexually assaulted, then this didn't happen to you.

Just to be clear, OP's not talking about (previously agreed) consensual sex in the middle of the night initiated by her husband while she's still sleepy and she decided she wasn't in the mood.

This is her partner repeatedly ignoring her wishes, she's made it clear it wasn't consensual and she's described times where he's waited for her to go to sleep before molesting her.

There's a very clear and distinct difference. I don't believe anyone's trying to imply that a women saying she's happy and has given previous consent to be woken up by her partner initiating sex is sexual assault or rape, and it's very certainly not what's being described here.

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