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Partner affair, how to deal with it best.

(80 Posts)
Jeezusmotherofgod Sun 02-Dec-18 22:32:52

I could really do with some advice and maybe a bit of a handhold.

I found out my Partner of 16 years, two teenage children, was having an affair 3 weeks ago. I found out by checking his messages of facebook. His first response was to say tgat he was in love with her, but he also minimised what had been going on saying yes only slept with her once etc etc.
This basically csme about following him recently started a new job that meant him commuting a long way and staying over a couple of nights a week.

The following day, after I found out, he told me openly he was going to talk to her and later came home and told me he wanted to try again with me. He promised me he had gone no contact with her. I really felt this might work, I realise we had been together since we are young and the middle year’s of a relationship could probably be considered quite mundane and a relationship with a younger woman with none of the commitments and general bulshit of family must be very alluring.

Things were beginning to settle down. However a day or two ago While he was staying away I had reason to believe he was lying about his location and it made me massively insecure and a bit paranoid.

When he came home from work yesterday he told me he wanted to separate and after some probing this is because he wants to start a relationship with other woman. I am bereft. We were never unhappy, never argue, we get along incredibly well and had a good sex life. We both think it would be best if he stayed at home until the new year to try and give the kids a good Christmas and make a plan of how to move forward.

I am deeply deeply hurting and upset but i love my children more and as such I really want to try spend this time positively and try and end up with the best of a bad job. Equally I just want to curl into a ball and cry. It doesn’t help really that DP seems to have given very very little thought to his decision and is seemingly looking to me to direct things as best I can for all of us. Added to this I am in a really precarious position being half way through a degree with a big set of exams in two weeks.

Please has anyone got any advice of how I can make this work out best for everyone. I just don’t know what to do. I feel completely beaten.

Thank you

Sunhill4 Sun 02-Dec-18 22:45:13

I didn't want to read and run. Don't know what to say other than i am so sorry and my heart goes out to you.

Feckers2018 Sun 02-Dec-18 22:45:43

OMGoodness this isn't the 1950's. What about you? Why are you still trying to please him?

SchnitzelVonKrumm Sun 02-Dec-18 22:48:02

I'd say if he's going, he goes now. Why should you facilitate a lovely family Christmas for him? He's made his choice and now he has to live with it. Let him explain himself to the children. Keep your focus on your exams and then make a good enough Christmas for you and your DC. If they're teenagers they will be hurt and angry to know you've faked things, and why should you risk any blame being directed at you?

Feckers2018 Sun 02-Dec-18 22:49:03

Sorry for what you are going through. One thing at a time. The most important being your exams and the kids Christmas. Get that over with if he wont leave. In the meantime do not cook etc for him.

SandyY2K Sun 02-Dec-18 22:49:22

Sorry you're in this situation.

I would not beg or plead.... or act like you can't survive without him.

He needs to think practically about finances....how he'll support the kids ..how often he's going to see them...and have a regular set up

Is the plan to tell them he's had an affair? Or come up with some lie for them.
He needs to think practically and realistically.

When is he moving out?

Discuss practicalities and have it hit home with him.

This may help.
www.healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

Feckers2018 Sun 02-Dec-18 22:49:35

Oh and lawyer up asap.

Littlehelper101 Sun 02-Dec-18 22:50:46

You can do this you’re strong I know you are! The sooner he is gone the better. I know it’s been 16 years and it’s tough. You deserve to treated better then this. He can have both.

We’re all routing for you xxx

Littlehelper101 Sun 02-Dec-18 22:51:06

Can’t

Jeezusmotherofgod Sun 02-Dec-18 22:57:21

Thank you for your reply’s. I think I just really feel that the best outcome for the children long term and into adulthood is for me and their dad to be good friends and have no animosity towards each other. I just don’t quite know how to facilitate this when i feel so upset and vulnerable.

I realise it might appear that I’m being too passive, I probably am. I just don’t want to create animosity because once you feel it it’s hard to erase. Equally I need to think about what I need too I suppose.

I’m just trying to stay calm and compassionate but actually I’m devastated and hurt and scared.

nomester Sun 02-Dec-18 22:58:04

I completely understand how hard a situation you are in.
He hasn't thought about you or his kids and how difficult this will be for them.
Stop thinking about him.
I would tell him to leave and sort out a financial arrangement to provide for his children.
I has choose his life now you all have to live with it, pretending to your teenage kids it's the best thing to do, they are old enough to know right from wrong.
Make sure they are aware of the situation, I'm sure they will support you and love you dearly.
Don't make everything ok for him, has he done that for you?
My only advise is to be honest with your children, they will only feel hurt that you lied to them. As much as you think it's to make sure they don't get hurt, they will feel worst for not knowing the truth.
Even if it paints him in a bad light, he choose to do this, this isn't fair on you or the kids.
Be strong!
You deserve better 💗

Aquamarine1029 Mon 03-Dec-18 02:53:50

Jesus Christ. YOU didn't create this "animosity." HE did by fucking another woman, and I can guarantee she wasn't his first. Give your head a wobble and kick his arse to the streets. Stop being a doormat.

Flowerpot2005 Mon 03-Dec-18 03:21:14

OP you're being passive because you're in shock & numb. Nobody thinks straight immediately so ignore the harsh replies.

You have to keep in mind that your only responsibility now is to your DC & yourself. Whatever you do, do not allow how you feel to get lost in how everyone else is feeling or in what you think is the right way to behave. You must be completely overwhelmed right now but for your own sanity, get him to leave now.

You've been betrayed in the worst way possible & you are allowed to cry, be angry, rage etc. What will be in the future, friendship wise, with the lying cheating shit, will be. That can't be decided right now but I can promise you, it's possible to move on without bitterness.

Trust me, men like to see their wives struggling without them, pining for them, begging them to come back. Gives them a massive ego boost but nothing delivers a bigger kick to their nuts than the wife appearing to carry on effortlessly without them & never asking them to come back! You might feel like you're dying inside, just don't let him see it.

You sound exactly like me when my hubby left us, you can & will get through this awful time x

Abi47 Mon 03-Dec-18 03:57:05

You are being passive because you love him and it's a shock. Its such a horrible feeling when the person you love, 'chooses' someone else. It may not last, but you can't place your life on hold by waiting. Try to use this time to get stronger. Tell him if you like. Explain exactly how you feel and say you've made your choice, so you intend to try and get on with life. Then be really strong. If it doesn't work out for him you hopefully will by that time be in a much better place to decide what you want

Shmithecat Mon 03-Dec-18 04:23:12

As you use the term DP, I assume you're not married? You need to start thinking about separating assets etc. Sounds materialistic, but you've got time to the emotional part of this to deal with. The practicalities need to be sorted first.

Jeezusmotherofgod Mon 03-Dec-18 07:49:32

Thank you for all your replies, it’s given me plenty to think about and there is actually great comfort in the kindness of strangers.

user1479305498 Mon 03-Dec-18 10:22:54

There is nothing that gives life a buzz OP than the freshness of ‘new’ . It isn’t usually love, it’s someone hanging on every word, putting out all the time, loving every story etc. He will regret this. You however should take it as an opportunity for some fresh thinking, doing stuff you would normally say to. Nothing says bollocks to you better than the other person seeming not to collapse in a puddle!!

ravenmum Mon 03-Dec-18 10:49:57

Don't feel guilty about feeling sad and vulnerable.

You're probably right about not letting the kids in on all the details right now, but you shouldn't have to pretend all is great. Maybe let on to the kids that you and he are having some problems, and so you feel upset at the moment. If they need reassurance, don't reassure them that you won't break up; reassure them that parents break up all the time, that it'll all work out in the end, and that you both love them and will both do your best for them.

Kids learn a lot from their parents about how to deal with sadness, so watch out for sending them the message that sadness has to be hidden under the carpet. That a woman's sadness has to be hidden under the carpet.

funicorn Mon 03-Dec-18 20:14:48

It doesn’t help really that DP seems to have given very very little thought to his decision Oh he has . You just didn't know about it , sorry .

pusspuss9 Mon 03-Dec-18 20:41:46

hi op
why should you hide your feelings from him? He needs to know how hurtful he's been. Also why do you think it's better for the children to see you being good friends with him going forward? This is not real life. They need to know it's OK to feel angry and upset when you have been betrayed so cruelly so if bad things happen to them in late life they won't feel like a freak when they experience normal human reactions to certain situations.

Jeezusmotherofgod Mon 03-Dec-18 21:52:18

Hi, thank you for your replies. It’s helpful to have other views.

I’m really not hiding my emotions from him. But I am tempering them in front of the children, though I think they are aware that something is quite wrong, and I’m thinking that this is better than a total bolt from the blue.

I don’t intend to hide my feelings when we tell them, just to temper them so I don’t frighten them by being out of control which I have been at times in the last few days.
I want to try and be honest with them about my feelings but without all the crazy shit. I’m hoping that by working through it a bit on my own and with P I will have better answers for them that are a bit more optimistic than the hopeless, sad and bitter that I feel now.

Jeezusmotherofgod Mon 03-Dec-18 22:03:59

Is it completely delusional of me to imagine that we could end up friends? I would really like to think that this could be possible.

Chamomileteaplease Mon 03-Dec-18 22:27:42

I would say for the moment, do whatever you have to do to get through those exams,whether that's having him in the house, or out of the house. What shitty timing of him.

Flowerpot2005 Mon 03-Dec-18 22:28:21

Of course it's possible, no doubt BUT before you decide that, deal with how you feel NOW.

You're looking way to far into the future when it's the here & now,that needs your focus.

LastOneDancing Mon 03-Dec-18 22:38:44

Of course it's not delusional to hope that you can be friends. And it's not up to anyone here to tell you how to feel.

Do what you need to for now, to get through this initial shock & grief. BUT be aware that he might do (further) surprising things to hurt & shock you. And for that reason, your children & yourself MUST be your only focus going forward, not him, or his feelings.

I needed to be friends for a while with an ex who cheated on me many years ago. The anger came eventually, but when I was ready to deal with it and I was over him.

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