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Being replaced

(992 Posts)
brainache78 Sat 01-Dec-18 11:15:26

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Bigonesmallone3 Sat 01-Dec-18 11:18:49

What a dick, I would say there was deffo an overlap, or he was at least in contact with her before ur relationship ended.. I think it's probably a case of thinking the grass is greener.

It'll be hard and it'll take a while but u will get over it! Obviously wasn't meant to be.. eat lots of ice cream and cry as much as u like..
It'll get easier

Blackness78 Sat 01-Dec-18 11:19:59

Hi, OP.

This must be really difficult for you. I'm not really sure what to say except to give in time and to go no contact with him.

I hope you feel better soon.

NotANotMan Sat 01-Dec-18 11:20:11

He's got tempted by a bit of strange. Thinks he's in love or some shit. What a dick

LizzieSiddal Sat 01-Dec-18 11:23:14

“And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match.”

You poor thing, but you’ll torture yourself trying to work out what’s she can give him. He’s the one with the problem, not you so don’t agonise over this.

What stands out for me is that he only finished with you a few weeks ago and he’s already got someone else. Sorry but he definitely either was already seeing her or had his eye on her. He’s obviously not the person you thought he was but thank goodness you aren’t 15 years down the line, rather than 5.

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 01-Dec-18 11:23:26

Wow. What an arsehole.

OP you will love again, because you can love and are trustworthy.

You just need time to get over this betrayal.

Blackness78 Sat 01-Dec-18 11:24:52

What stands out for me is that he only finished with you a few weeks ago and he’s already got someone else. Sorry but he definitely either was already seeing her or had his eye on her.


Sausage101 Sat 01-Dec-18 11:32:15

This sounds like my relationship op, so I was as shocked as you when the same thing happened. I'm sorry but if he might have been lining her up before he left. My ex did this with a girl from work. Hadn't even taken his stuff or sorted anything about leaving and they were plastering pictures of how it's 'been a thing for a while' and all sorts.

It will be really hard and you'll cycle through a lot of emotions but the best thing is to not look at any social media or have contact unless you need to.

It gets easier once you start doing that. I got some counselling at work as I had also just gone through major sugery and a big injury so I was all over the place. That might help. Get support from your friends and family, when you want to call him, call them or write things down in a note book to get your thoughts out if they keep going round.

brainache78 Sat 01-Dec-18 11:34:10

Thanks, you lovely lot.

Yes - I'm absolutely sure that he was at least planning to hook up with this woman before he finished it with me - because it makes more sense than what he said - which was vague and baffling to say the least.

The result it the same either way - he basically replaced me with someone else.

He has always said - even up until a month or so ago - that I am his absolute template of a woman and that he loves me completely. We had a great sex life even up until the night before he dumped me (only he knowing it would be the last time).

He made it known how he felt about me years before we got together, but I was in a complicated place and wasn't as keen then.

When we finally got together there was an overwhelming feeling of 'this is it' for both of us.

And nothing changed. We didn't stop getting on.

Is it really a case of being distracted by someone shiny and new?

I thought better of him than that. Are there any decent men in the world?! I was so convinced that he was one of the few! It's so disappointing.

Stripyhoglets1 Sat 01-Dec-18 11:34:13

He finished with you because he'd got the new one lined up - that's the only reason it wasn't working for him anymore. It's shit but that will be why. Oldest story in the book so don't torture yourself trying to work out why. It's horrible for you but will get easier.

DBML Sat 01-Dec-18 11:35:17

It’s not that she can give him anything more than you could, it’s just new and exciting to him. That will wear off when they get to know each other.

I’m so sorry for you op. I know it must hurt so badly. He calls you because he knows what he’s done; he feels guilt and actually you were a big part of his life and he wants to cling to that too...if it doesn’t work out with the new girl, he’s kept doors open to come back to you. This is the mark of a self centred prick, so glad to hear that you’ve blocked him and have no intention of letting him do that to you.
It’ll hurt for a while, but ignore them and do things you enjoy. See movies you want to see; go shopping with friends and when you’re ready, you’ll find someone who really loves you.
If you see him out don’t engage with him. At most a civil nod hello is all he deserves.
Good luck op, I wish you well. flowers

BirthdayKake Sat 01-Dec-18 11:36:32

Hi OP. The grass is always greener on the other side. Except it isn't. This new woman shits and farts like the rest of us. Cry yourself to sleep, but never show him how much you care.

Sausage101 Sat 01-Dec-18 11:39:28

Did he say anything to you before he left op?

It's hard, I kept thinking why and trying to figure it all out but we can never know what someone is thinking really.

Sausage101 Sat 01-Dec-18 11:44:26

People said that to me about them keeping the door open, honestly what sort of people think they can waltz back after dropping you like a stone in such a cold way?

brainache78 Sat 01-Dec-18 11:45:50

No. He didn't say much.
We don't live together - I was at his house.
We went out with his family, went to bed, slept in each other's arms, woke up and he just said
'This isn't working. It hasn't worked for a while. I don't want to do it anymore'

And I was so taken aback I asked what he meant and he just kept repeating the same thing.

All I was thinking was 'don't beg, don't cry, keep your dignity' and I packed all my stuff, gave him back his key and left.

AuntMarch Sat 01-Dec-18 11:50:40

My ex and I broke up after he changed his mind about what he wanted.
We had the mortgage and were engaged, both of which were his idea, and next time the plan were children.
Our sex life disappeared and he hardly ever came home at weekends. I gave an ultimatum - a night out is one thing but you can't claim you want a family with me when you don't come home all weekend.

The next weekend was my birthday and he was there.

The week after that, he left for work Friday and came home after work on Monday. I ended it that Monday night, but made it very clear it was his actions that decided it.

Just a short while later he was spending all his free time with his new girlfriend and her 2 year old daughter. They both live with him now in "our" house.

Believe me, I know how much being replaced hurts - even though I knew the end was coming!

But, I got over it. You will too! Just give yourself time.

LizzieSiddal Sat 01-Dec-18 11:50:59

He made it known how he felt about me years before we got together

He’s may well have said exactly the same thing to this new woman.

The way he told you and the lead up to it, sounds so horrible and very unkind. He acted completely normally right up until the point he told you. No one with a heart could act like that. You’re well rid of him.x

ferando81 Sat 01-Dec-18 11:54:18

So many people are deceitful .In the best of relationships people get bored but they rarely let on to their partners.

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 01-Dec-18 11:59:50

The level of deceit it took to behave as he did the very day before he dumped you - the fact that he had sex with you - angry He is not the man you thought he was. It’s good you have found that out.

There are amazing, decent men out there. He’s not that, it’s become clear.

Sounds like you behaved with real dignity after he dumped you. Ugh. Although I know it hurts like hell, you are well rid of him.

MrsEddieVedder Sat 01-Dec-18 12:04:37

So sorry OP flowers.... It's clear how utterly floored by this you are understandably so.. No warning signs to even envisage what was about to be thrown your way. I went through similar with my exh.. I was young. Everything was fine, then he turned round and said he didn't know how he felt about me so I packed and left. He blatantly was messing about. 2 weeks later he begged me to come home. He never messed around again but I never felt secure with him after that and actually ditched the relationship myself 4 years later. Sending you strength. A man that can build you up like that but then drop you so hard doesn't deserve the pedestal you have put him on because he simply wouldn't have been able to treat you like that. You deserve better than that xxx

Sausage101 Sat 01-Dec-18 12:04:41

Yeah at @brainache78 that's what mine said to me. Very vague. I felt like saying to him when he said he had never been happy 'well you deserve an oscar!'

brainache78 Sat 01-Dec-18 12:28:26

The fact that so many women have similar stories is so depressing.
I'm sorry you have all been through this. I really wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I hope she drops him like a stone and makes him feel a fraction of what I'm feeling now (but that is the bitter and childish side of me talking).

Yes, I will move on. I know that I'm never going to feel as bad as I do right now.

But it's cold comfort. I feel horrendous.

However, my dc are with their Dad for Christmas this year, so I'm going away by myself for a few days - sunshine, well stocked kindle, time on my own. Bliss. Ready to come back and start afresh.

Thank you for your support.

SurreyMama19 Sat 01-Dec-18 12:47:19

I can guarantee he is going to come crawling back!!! I have to say, almost every happy couple I know has had some sort of a break up at some point. And some times it involves dating other people. It's sometimes a real wake up call though and ends up making your relationship stronger in the end if you do decide to take him back. I don't want to give you false hope at all I'm just saying it definitely does happen sometimes. He's only human and no one is perfect and sometimes people do stupid things and make dumb decisions. Just appreciate this time on your own and if it is meant to be he will come back to you. And if not then there is just a bigger and better plan for you that doesn't involve him. If you can swing it, try going away on a vacation with a friend or on your own to take your mind off of things. And take a social media break!

Milliy Sat 01-Dec-18 12:54:42

Definitely an overlap. She is the reason he has left you. Now he is confused because he realised how much he had and how much he misses you but he is still deep in "lust" and it will take awhile to burn out. You may find that after about 3 to 4 months he will find this new relationship to not be what he thought it was. He sounds like he already has doubts. Try not to engage and remain as unbothered to his face as you can.

Sausage101 Sat 01-Dec-18 12:56:47

Th trip sounds like a good idea @brainache78 just switch off and relax and give your mind a rest. I've been thinking of doing that.

I know what you mean, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

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