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Anyone else know they need to split but either too chicken to go through or delaying for other reasons?

(70 Posts)
relationshipwoes Tue 27-Nov-18 18:56:39

I’m getting closer and close to thinking we need to split, things have not been good for a long time. But Christmas is coming and we have a holiday booked first half of next year.

It seems like there will often be a reason for it to not be good timing - kids birthdays, etc etc.

And its not just the timing, but it just feels too big a things to bring upon us all, the affect on the children, finances etc etc.

If your partner is abusive and things are “ok” (but not good enough) how do actually summon the energy to actually split?

thebeeskneereplacement Tue 27-Nov-18 18:59:06

I am going through the same dilemma OP. I can't offer any advice but will be watching this post with interest.

relationshipwoes Tue 27-Nov-18 19:03:10

Should read not abusive!

Ullupullu Tue 27-Nov-18 19:04:43

How sure are you that you need to split? Have you had couple's therapy and talked to him about your feelings? (Basing this on assuming you mean "not" abusive)

stainedglasswindow Tue 27-Nov-18 19:05:52

It took me a long time, was married 11 years and knew after four I'd made a mistake. When I realised I had to leave for my own mental health I got my ducks in a row and sat Ex Dh down and explained how I felt and that I'd made my decision. There will always be a reason to stay but when the reasons to leave outweigh the ones to stay it's time to let go IMO.

relationshipwoes Tue 27-Nov-18 19:12:34

We have had couples therapy, which was not successful, though most likely because of the therapist, rather than us. We really didn’t gel with her. However, he now is very reluctant to try another therapist, which I realise is not exactly a good sign.

I just think he doesn’t like me and I don’t like him, we don’t seem like we’re on the same team. Things improve for a bit because he doesn’t want to break up th family either, then he is just mean to me again. I am prepared to admit I am sensitive, and also mean to him. It’s all just not right and I am beginning to just think we’re both kidding ourselves that we can come through this.

I don’t know how much longer is reasonable to give it. It’s been about 2 years.

Thisnamechanger Tue 27-Nov-18 19:17:02

Yes, I waited til about 5 years too long then finally he gave me a reason "bad enough" to walk out. Never forgiven myself for wasting my 20s on him.

confusedat30 Tue 27-Nov-18 20:01:23

Hello, I'm in the same predicament. We've been together 10 years with 3 children. There have been more downs then up and the last 2.5 years things have just gotten gradually worse. I've realised we don't want the same things. He doesn't want to split. He thinks he can convince me that we do want the same things.. and also tries to be nice as much as he can. He is not bad and neither am I, we just aren't connected anymore. We also have money tied up together and the holidays booked. We also have my mum who lives in an annexe we had built about a year ago on our property. So if I leave he won't be able to afford the upkeep of the house so not only will I be homeless but so will my mum (I work part time and know I'd get help but my mum has put money into this property and depending on how he wants to play it if butter if I leave then he could really do some damage ( i really don't believe he would do this as he's a good guy but it's in the back of my mind that it is a possibility) but what do you do when you are so unhappy? Do you settle or do you make the break and upset your children, partner and families? I'm so confused so I really feel our pain OP. I'm sorry to hijack your post. I hope we can maybe help each other through this difficult time. Sending you strength and positivity xxx

confusedat30 Tue 27-Nov-18 20:02:42

*bitter

crappyday2018 Tue 27-Nov-18 20:16:44

It took me YEARS to make the break. I actually ended up choosing one of the worst possible times to actually go ahead and do it. We had literally just bought a house and his dad was terminally ill.
I don't think its about 'reasons not to' but maybe you're just not there yet? You will know when you have genuinely had enough because you just won't be able to stand being in the same house as him anymore. It sounds like you're heading that way now.
No-one can tell you what to do, you will come to that decision on your own eventually. Just don't leave it so long that you regret it. Life is short and it should be lived as happy as you can be.

relationshipwoes Tue 27-Nov-18 22:13:31

Thanks for the replies.

confusedat30 please to hold hands on this, though sorry you are in a similarly difficult place.

crappyday2018 I’ve taken a lot from you saying maybe I’m not there yet. Gives me a bit of hope that we might still make it, or at least takes the pressure off in terms of thinking I must do something NOW.

I’ll come back again to this thread

babygoose48 Wed 28-Nov-18 00:24:55

Me too OP. We will get there...

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Wed 28-Nov-18 04:45:42

Hi OP. My situation is slightly different but similar in so much as it was fear of the split rather than wanting to bed with H.

My situation is with H 23 years, married 16, two DC 18 and 21. Good marriage overall but deep down it was unequal and he was controlling (although never nasty, it was very subtle). Over the years I completely complied with his wants and dreams and let go of my own. We had a cycle of me discussing why the relationship wasn't working for me every 6 months to a year, things would pick up for a while, then go back to the way it was. He always said he had a great life (basically because I facilitated it to be the perfect wife) but he couldn't ever meet me half way to meet my needs. Resentment built up and I used alcohol as a crutch (He is also a big drinker but holds it better) leading to horrible rows. He left me 4 months ago for OW blaming my drinking (which for context was "only" 2/3 nights a week and he told me not to stop drinking as it would spoil our social circle) .

I completely fell apart whe he left even though deep down I knew our relationship wasn't meeting my needs and stopped making me happy years ago. Now I am over the fear of the marriage ending, the financial and physical splitting up of assets and all that goes with it, I am much calmer and less fearful. Still emotional about it all (and not sleeping well!!) but also now feeling the positives of being in control of my own life.

So my advice is leave - don't end up like me and using alcohol to numb the pain and giving up the best years of your life to avoid the fear of the split. Living together when you are not happy will grind you down and you may end up hating him.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Wed 28-Nov-18 04:48:02

* be with H .......Not bed with!!!

addlebrained Wed 28-Nov-18 05:19:20

OP I feel very similarly to you - holiday booked next year (first one in years) and no family nearby to support me and DCs if we left, so just doing what saltandvinegar describes which is talking about how shit things are every few months and then letting it improve a tiny bit then gradually slipping back to shit again.
Feeling angry we are here and at DH for his innate selfishness. Worried about effect on the DCs as not a healthy relationship but DH unlikely to have OW due to his work and cushy family life at home and therefore he is keen to keep things as they are and won't commit to counselling for us. Can not believe I have let this go on so long and can't understand how I am here! Relieved to hear I'm not the only one, but sorry you are in similar situations...

altiara Wed 28-Nov-18 05:49:55

Same with us OP. And it’s been so much longer than 2 years. The difference this time is my DH says he’s mentally ready to not live with the children, he currently comes home about 9pm so doesn’t see them much as it is.
The problem is now I just don’t want to talk to him at all and need to somehow discuss splitting up, selling the house, furniture etc. (Although I think he has been emotionally and financially abusive over the years).

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Wed 28-Nov-18 06:07:07

I think we go a bit into survival mode when DC are young. When there is not outright or "obvious" abuse (be it emotional or financial) its so hard to leave and feel responsible and guilty for splitting the family up.

Plus mothers/women are socialised from birth to put the needs of others before themselves so we feel guilty for being unhappy in unfulfilling and/or crap relationships due the impact our leaving will have on others. Yet it's amazing how men/fathers can up sticks and leave, usually with OW, when they are not happy or their "needs" (which are usually wants) are not met. (I know some women also have affairs and leave their children but that is less common and is often a result of abuse).

My biggest regret is not having my own savings. I am ok money wise but H took so much more out of the marriage (hobbies, stag dos, boys weekends) and I really wished I'd took a comparable amount from our joint finances and put that aside.

So if you are going to leave in the future, please try and get some financial back up in place. If you haven't got your own funds and don't want partner to know, getting cash back on shopping is a good way as it won't show separate on bank statement. I know that sounds sbeaky but if there is one thing I've learned from my experience and the 1000s of women on this board, it is that even the most "decent" men can through you under a bus when they don't get their own way!!

HotdogsareDogs Wed 28-Nov-18 06:10:55

I ended a 15year relationship a few months ago.
Wish I'd done it sooner. I'm much happier now. It's hard, but it's not harder than being unhappily married.

Readingonthetrain Wed 28-Nov-18 06:15:36

Book marking this

Monty27 Wed 28-Nov-18 06:20:57

No. A fair amount of chances for sure. If they don't understand they're gone.
What else can I say?
I'm single which is hard. But I don't hold on to wasters.

relationshipwoes Wed 28-Nov-18 20:09:55

I am also worried about the affect on DCs being around a far from loving relationship sad

I can also see how the situation could drive someone to drink, or generally ruin their mental health. I’m not there yet but it is pretty painful at times.

That all said, I (we?) are still a bit up and down and hence until it is consistently down it doesn’t seem right to start proceedings for splitting.

We’ve decided to “be nice” hmm to get through Christmas and see how we feel in the new year.

Does anyone have any coping strategies in the mean time?

I am trying to focus on all things concerned with my wellness, whether that be exercise, diet, arranging things I enjoy and doing things for the DC that give me fulfilment.

Sorry to those who are also in this situation.

Needsomebottle Fri 30-Nov-18 07:01:51

I am in a very similar position. Though we get along. But various events over the years have, after much self reflection this year, lead me to just not feel the same about him as I used to.

Coping mechanisms... Same, focus on my health and wellbeing. I've taken the pressure off myself to "make a decision" which has been a huge help. I accepted that I don't need to give myself a timeframe but to just keep being honest with him so he's involved in the decision making. He doesn't want us to split AT ALL. We've agreed to see how I feel after Christmas. At which point I intend on being straight with him. I may be prepared to keep trying then (or too gutless to make the leap) but at least he will know and can't say I've pretended.

Also I got into a rather unhealthy (in terms of saving my marriage) mentality of thinking "I'd do X if he we separated" and imagining a life without him. Silly things like I'd get up early and workout cos he wasn't here etc. So I've started doing those things even though he's here - within reason! Trying to see if that would give me a life I find more fulfilling but with him present too if that makes sense?

I also had a phase of recording the good things he had done each day. It put me in a positive mindset where I saw him in a better light.

iVampire Fri 30-Nov-18 07:33:04

Similar position.

Marriage was in injury time, then I was diagnosed with cancer, which rather focussed my thinking,

But I still haven’t screwed up the resolve to launch the actual divorce

TheEndofIt Fri 30-Nov-18 11:42:11

Yes; I finally got round to seeing a lawyer yesterday. It has taken me years to psych myself up for doing it. I've been unhappy for 6 years (his depression & having to support him, then finding out he had an affair in the past). Just need to see an IFA now & work our what I can afford to do.

But with 2 young kids & no family support plus hideously expensive childcare costs (couldn't have gone it alone whilst paying 2k/m childcare), I just buried my head & just got through the early years.

I can't even pretend any more & feel false putting on a united front when I am planning my escape. But it's DS's birthday next week then Christmas, so definitely not the best time.

Here's to everyone facing hard times 💐

user1479305498 Fri 30-Nov-18 15:11:39

Yep, pissed off with the secretive 4/5 times a week lesbian porn habit the minute I am out the door and the odd webcam lookup (although not paying for it) . (He hides it well, but I'm a very good detective) On the back of finding out about a very old emotional affair totally by chance, and where he said he was committed to doing what it takes (I know he does love me) I just struggle to feel the same, I have tried and my 19 year old no longer at home. I don't hate him, I do care and am fond of him but find I feel much better when he isn't around, really don't feel I can say I love you, don't want sex -- and that's not really good. Sometimes I feel love just isn't enough, saving up now, I would like to separate and see how it goes, I think he needs A toe up the arse to be honest, maybe with some time and space I might feel different , I'm not sure.

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