have you/would you hire a private investigator?

[vannah]

Because Im seriously thinking of doing it...

I have a very strong instinctive feeling that my DH is up to something. But having said that, Im also v insecure because of lies he has told in the past. Weve been married for 3 years, have a toddler and Im 4 months pg.

I suspect him of seeing someone at work, although its so hard to prove this. He works in a huge secondary school, he doesnt go out in the evenings, but he has started to come home an hour later everyday, and apparently there are lots of 'urgent' meetings going on during his lunch hours.
This is his second year in education, and Ive been in the job for 14, and now train teachers. I know for a fact that there arent THAT many meetings and things to do in lunch/after school. But, what he argues is that there's not much he can do in an hour - which is a fair point.

He doesnt want to speak to me on the phone anymore, so this makes me suspicious, and I discovered there was a very beautiful trainee teacher that worked at his school that he got friendly with but I cant find out any more details.

So I am plagued with anxiety. Im very seriously considering hiring a PI. Any experience of this out there?

thankyou

[tiredemma]

Have you actually asked him outright?

[CountessDracula]

how would a PI get into a school though?
Can't you just lurk about in shades and a hat and follow him yourself?

[mylittlestar]

there is plenty you can do in an hour!!

that is a rubbish answer from him!

if his behaviour has recently changed, he's been untrustworthy in the past, and is refusing to call you to prove that he's not up to anything... then surely you know already there is a serious problem?

I think you need to consider what you would do if you find out the worst? Will you stick around and try to work it out or will that knowledge just tear you apart?

If you will stick with him no matter what, you don't need all the details. Confront him now, make him do whatever it takes to reassure you - and if he doesn't do that for you, then you will have your answer...


What a horrible situation to be in xx

[mumto3girls]

Pop into school one day to see him?

[mylittlestar]

good idea. pop in one lunch time when he says he's unavailable?

[NoodleStroodle]

Did you a PI to find someone - scarily efficient!

[BarbieLovesKen]

you poor pet. Hope your ok. Could you just ask him outright? - but I know, of course he is going to deny anything (if there is even anything to deny) hmm.. dont ask me how I know this but go to www.trackyourpartner.com and type in his mobile number - it will tell you where he is.

[foxinsocks]

oh barbie, that's a bit cruel is it not!

[mylittlestar]

barbie that's cruel

I just typed in my own number. Sadly that's not what I'm doing right now!!!!

[foxinsocks]

I would turn up at the end of the day, when the children at school aren't around (easier to get around the school) and he's staying late. Pretend it's a surprise.

[mother2b]

barbie

[foxinsocks]

(I assume barbie didn't realise what that link was vannah)

[bellabelly]

Barbie! I just typed in my own number too - am soooooo gullible!

[bellabelly]

Vannah - I think hiring a PI will open up more problems than it could possibly solve. What does your gut instinct tell you? In my experience, your gut feeling is very rarely wrong...

[BarbieLovesKen]

oops sorry - why is it cruel? - I mean, I do know exactly why it would be cruel but definately not a patch (cruelness wise) to hiring a PI, surely?

(p.s ive never done it! - the email was sent around work - supposed to be funny?) sorry!

[BarbieLovesKen]

gullible? oh God, is it a prank or something? it wouldnt work on the computer here in work - doesnt have flash. One of the girls said it worked at home. Oh God, shit!! vannah so sorry if its something stupid!!

[foxinsocks]

lol barbie, you numbnut, if you type in a number, it pretends to find it then focuses on a picture of a man and a woman pretending to shag each other

[BarbieLovesKen]

oh my God!! I really am a numbnut! Jesus Vannah - I am so so so so so sorry!!! oh God, im mortified - swear I was told it actually worked. oh so sorry!!

[foxinsocks]

lol

[mylittlestar]

just meant cruel from the perspective that someone vulnerable could type in their husband's number and be scared to death of what they are about to find out...
I remember that feeling of my heart pounding when I found out things about H - it's not a nice feeling. And especially not if it ends in a joke...

But in the right context I agree it's funny.


Wouldn't say hiring a PI is cruel. Can't think of the best word. Having an affair is cruel. Doubting your husband due to past mistakes and wanting some answers, is fair enough, surely? PI may not be the best way to go about it though. Think the turning up at the school is the best idea...

[mylittlestar]

lol barbie! I thought you knew what it was!

Glad I didn't have a massive go at you now!!

[foxinsocks]

barbie, go and bash your work colleague on the head!

[BarbieLovesKen]

MLS - I really wouldnt have blamed you if you had ripped me up!!

foxinsocks - yep, definately!!

Im still in a hole in the ground here.

So sorry!!

[Wisteria]

Can't you just wait outside entrance to school at kicking out time and see if he leaves the building when he says he does?
Think PI might be a bit much costwise and difficult to explain away (unless you have own private funds).
It's horrid not to trust; but if you found out you were wrong would you trust him in the future anyway?
IME, once the trust has been broken it's very very hard to forgive and forget.

[vannah]

yes its seems that turning up at his school seems the best bet, he use to 'surprise' me all the time when i worked in a primary school before we got married.
I just fear his sour face, if he cant stand to speak to me during the day because he feels its just an obligatory call and nothing else, then surely a visit is really going to p him off.
Its hard to lurk around outside of his school discreetly, its on a main road with no parking, there's no cafe to sit in nearby... and the way he looks at EVERY woman in the street he's bound to spot me even if Im in disguise.

Plus I have the dilema of leaving my toddler and then treking off to the other end of london.
So confusing.
Incidently, he got really angry last week about me asking him about the validity of one of these 'meetings' - and he just turned to me and said - why dont you just hire a private detective?

Being that Im in an exceptionally mistrustful state of mind, pratically on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I just assumed he was bluffing.

But would a person who was actually up to something say that?

If I didnt love my DS so very much, I would just curl up and die. This pain is unbearable. And none of my friends/family think i should leave or think he sounds guilty. thus i feel totally insane too.