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What would you make of this?

(70 Posts)
curiouscat74 Fri 23-Nov-18 11:04:56

My DH travels a lot for work, mainly Europe and Russia. Recently he has made several trips to the Ukraine. I thought nothing of it but on one trip he said that he was in Paris but I found luggage's tags in the bin that were for those dates and from Kiev. I was a bit suspicious. One of his work notebooks was lying around and so I had a little flick through. There was a woman's name with 'not exclusive' and 'STD' underneath. Also '£10k'. He has his own bank account so I cannot look at his spending. He has never given me any reason to think he has cheated on the past. In other bits in the book there are some references to sex with hotel names and reminders to pick up viagra. In another bit there are dates and what could be amounts of money, hundreds. I am obviously devastated. We have children and have been together for years. Would you think from this that he is using a prostitute or could it be a work colleague. It is those words under her name that make me think it is a prostitute, and the sums of money. I am in shock and not sure what to do. Apart from being so upset at the betrayal we are not by any means wealthy enough for this kind of spending!!!! What should I do?

Sethis Fri 23-Nov-18 11:17:53

Before panicking about amounts, it's possible that the money is in Hyrvnia - the currency in ukraine, so 10,000 is actually £280. I can't imagine him blowing £10,000 on a hooker unless he makes 6 figures or more. There's also no reason for it to be a work colleague if he's referencing this stuff in the same place.

That aside, I would simply sit down in front of him and produce the book.

Ask him to explain the sex references. Ask him to explain the viagra. Ask him to explain the fact that you found luggage tags from Kiev when he directly told you he was in Paris.

If he denies everything then ask him, then and there, to open up his bank statement for this time period online. You should easily see transactions in the wrong city.

Beyond that it's really up to you what the results of his actions are. Divorce? Seperation? Counselling? What do you want to happen next?

Heartofglass21 Fri 23-Nov-18 11:25:13

I wouldn't mention you've been through his work notes. I would mention the Ukraine luggage tags though.

If he's sleeping with prostitutes or work colleagues, would that be a dealbreaker? It would be for me. The money is largely irrelevant. If he's cheating on you, you need to decide what plan of action to take.

LemonTT Fri 23-Nov-18 11:29:35

I assume you recognise his handwriting so can tell it is him.

When you confront him he is likely to do one of 2 things. First up is to get angry and flounce off because he hasn’t got a prepared tissue of lies. The other is spin a prepared set of lies, he may have realised the books were lying around and he is exposed. It will be totally bollocks. He will be prepared to get his boss to speak to confirm some nonsense story. This is a bluff. Call it and wait for indignant flounce.

Remember there is no jury here. It certainly isn’t him. You are entitled to your opinion on what is reasonably true. If he can’t provide proof then there is plenty to demonstrate he has lied and used prostitutes/escorts.

Musti Fri 23-Nov-18 11:40:20

Bloody hell. He must have done it a lot and for a long time if he bloody needs to take notes and almost write himself a review. If it was just once or twice he'd have remembered surely?

I can't think of an innocent explanation for this so before you confront him, make sure you have all the information you need to see a solicitor. Bank accounts, statements, passwords etc and also look at transferring money into your own account. Why does he have a private account? What a vile bastard.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst Fri 23-Nov-18 12:26:56

on one trip he said that he was in Paris but I found luggage's tags in the bin that were for those dates and from Kiev. I was a bit suspicious. One of his work notebooks was lying around and so I had a little flick through. There was a woman's name with 'not exclusive' and 'STD' underneath. Also '£10k' ... In other bits in the book there are some references to sex with hotel names and reminders to pick up viagra

Gosh, what an odd thing to find.

In light of the above, I think you should LTB as he's clearly very very thick, leaving such damning evidence lying around like that.

pudding21 Fri 23-Nov-18 12:33:59

Its not innocent, I would get an STD test asap. I wouldn't even bother trying to confront him, he lied about being in another city on the other side of Europe. Why? because he is up to no good. Keep digging if you must, but there is not logical explanation to have "not exclusive" "STD" written in his notebook.

Sorry curiouscat

NotTheFordType Fri 23-Nov-18 12:40:49

Definitely get yourself to the GUM clinic if you have had unprotected sex with him any time in the last 2 years (I'd say anyway)

If he went to Kiev instead of Paris, I'd assume he's cheating with a colleague. Hookers are much cheaper in Eastern Europe.

(Of course he could be seeing hookers as well as colleague(s))

He will probably go down the "oh it's just a fantasy thing when I'm away, I've never actually met any of them" in which case as a PP said, ask him to open his bank account statements, like RIGHT NOW, do not let him leave the room.

curiouscat74 Fri 23-Nov-18 13:37:39

Thank you all for your responses.

Sethis - Definitely in £. Several references. Not 100% sure what he earns now as has been secretive for at least a year. He does earn a good salary but we don't have money for this kind of spending. I guess the clues were there.

Musti - I can't believe the things I have read. He seems to have made notes of the sex he liked in what hotels. It makes me want to be sick, he has written that he would like to meet her friends. That he likes 'jealousy sex'. I don't even know what that is.

To everyone who has told me to get to a GUM clinic I will. We have not had much sex in the last couple of years due to my having had a traumatic birth with our youngest, and he was having some erectile problems which I presume he has addresses with the sodding viagra. And we used condoms as I haven't gone back on the pill after our last baby.

I know this is really stupid but I am now thinking that I didn't try hard enough to get our sex life back after the last baby. Is it my fault that because I wasn't overly keen on sex that he has done this??? Why am I even thinking this when I am an educated woman.

My feeling is that I should see what else I can find before either confronting him or speaking to a solicitor. I don't want to tell any friends as I am mortified. I think that from some of the things written it is a prostitute that he has fallen in love with. She is probably fleecing him alive for money. This could run into tens of thousands of pound from what I have read. Or I could be wrong but there is a line that says 'cash, 18 dates' and some figures.

This is a total deal breaker for me. The marriage is over. I cannot every trust him again. I feel a fool.

Ellisandra Fri 23-Nov-18 13:47:08

You’re not the fool.

Very good point above that you don’t need a jury.

I searched for months for evidence of my then husband using prostitutes. Always the “just looking” and “fantasy” excuses - and of course the “my friend borrowed my laptop” and “it must have been a virus that caused a local brothel to appear in the search bar” hmm

Then I found a phone with numbers that tied up with an online search for prostitutes. He said of course that he just rang, didn’t do it. And in a moment of clarity I realised I didn’t need any proof at all “that is enough”. And I divorced him.

Of course he let his guard down after that and left his adultwork account logged on with all his booking history hmm

You don’t need to prove what he had done to anyone.

And it absolutely was not your fault.

Reaction of a decent man to lack of sex post childbirth:
- wait
- read up
- ask mates
- talk to wife
- suggest counselling with wife

“Fuck prostitute” just isn’t on the list.

Good luck, be kind to yourself, it’s a horrible shock x

Adora10 Fri 23-Nov-18 13:47:28

No, no, no, not having sex with your partner no matter the reason does not give them the green light to visit prostitutes, just stop that now OP, none of this is your fault, he's a dirty cheating liar, that's all you need to be thinking about, there is never an excuse to cheat, never mind spending loads of money on escorts and prostitutes.

He'd still have done this regardless of your sex life.

I am delighted you are going to leave this sham of a marriage and keep yourself healthy and free of disease, what an utter dirty bastard.

He's the fool, not you, he's losing a good woman for prostitutes, think about that.

yetmorecrap Fri 23-Nov-18 13:48:18

He is an absolute lying crackpot and a bad one at that. I would not confront immediately, i know that’s really really hard but I would be snooping his phone, his email and hunting around for any bank statements , credit card bills or wage slips when he is out to see what you can see . I would see a lawyer , and only confront when you know the score and are going to ask him to leave that day.

Sethis Fri 23-Nov-18 14:41:26

I have no idea how you can be married with kids and not know how much each other earns?

Sorry, that's not a criticism per se, it just blows my mind. I mean, I've been with my DP for a year and a half and we very clearly know how much we both earn, because how else can we plan spending on holidays etc?

Anyway, that aside, you need to get advice on finances and houses and so on from a decent source. Legal action is inevitably going to follow if divorce is your response. Worth taking pictures of everything in the book (and anything else you can lay your hands on) for reference later on. Best of luck.

GimmeGimmeHellYeah Fri 23-Nov-18 16:01:13

£10k?
Damn. I'm in the wrong job.

MisstoMrs Fri 23-Nov-18 16:11:04

@curiouscat74 I absolutely understand where you’re coming from. I had a very traumatic birth and then had to have corrective surgery after a year to make sex even possible. 1.5 years after that and it still hurts, I’m out of the habit and I’m exhausted with a DS that doesnt sleep. Honestly, I am past caring about sex. It’s too hard. My body has been through too much. I don’t have much interest in it anymore.

However, I have worried about my DH during the last 2.5 years. Our sex life used to be brilliant - several times a week, lots of different positions, totally relaxed and intimate. It is hideous that a (in my case significantly mismanaged) birth can leave you like that but a decent man talks to you, seeks counselling, tried to help you. I’m not saying it’s easy to have conversations about this kind of thing, but a decent man doesn’t just find a prostitute. No matter how hard it is.

HollowTalk Fri 23-Nov-18 16:14:07

He sounds completely bonkers. Who writes down what they like doing in bed? Can't he just remember?

curiouscat74 Fri 23-Nov-18 16:17:02

Sethis I did know his salary but he went freelance a year ago for a new job and so not so easy to know. And looking back now I can see that the wool was being pulled over my eyes. I had no reason not to trust him 100%. I thought!!!!

curiouscat74 Fri 23-Nov-18 16:18:29

Thank MisstoMrs.

curiouscat74 Fri 23-Nov-18 16:19:39

Hollowtalk - he obviously wants to keep track of the money and also I think it is all part of his exciting adventure he is on.... totally fucking up his life.

LizzieSiddal Fri 23-Nov-18 16:39:52

Are you able to get any evidence of what he earns? Otherwise when you confront him he may start hiding money, assets etc.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

whynot93 Fri 23-Nov-18 17:57:53

Ah.. I could give you some good pointers having had my own fair share of this carry on!!

Check the passport stamps, dates for entry / exit should tie up - my DH's didn't and despite the lies and defacing his own passport I eventually got all the evidence.

Sorry but it's most definitely not looking hopeful but please don't blame yourself. Your husband chose this path not you! I can also relate to the fact of not knowing what he earns and what he spends.. I did however jack the bank accounts via his iPhone and a bit of guesswork and spent myself screen shots of 12 months of £1000's of pounds being spent all over the world. 😌

curiouscat74 Fri 23-Nov-18 18:53:10

Thank you ladies.

Good advice I think I am going to try to gather evidence. He guards his phone with his life, won't let the kids play on it or anything. If I could just get in that phone. I really hate him and am going to have to do my best to stop myself screaming at him. After a day of wanting to vomit I was so disgusted I am now feeling calm and I am going to get us out of this the best way I can.

whynot93 Fri 23-Nov-18 19:01:12

Try to stay calm.. hard I know! Have you tried the Siri 'what's the time trick' works on some phones if Siri is enabled. If you do access the phone the first port of call is keychain passwords. Get them written down as that was my saviour in gathering evidence. I should add my wonderful husband denied absolutely everything! Until I showed my hand with all the evidence, I still have it all.. stored safely away. Also if he has an iPad it's worth looking at iCloud sharing.. then when his phone gets pictures / locations ect will also upload to iPad - again if you can get into it. You can also add yourself which is what I did. I became quite tech savvy overnight whilst he was on yet another flight in a totally different time zone. By the time he landed all passwords had been changed by me blocking him from pretty much everything 🤩

richdeniro Fri 23-Nov-18 19:06:04

Do you know if he has ever used prostitutes in the past? Before you met even?

Men who have done it once in their past usually never stop from my experience of male friends and acquaintances.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName Fri 23-Nov-18 19:46:23

Yikes. This is dreadful OP. Gather evidence and do everything you can to change all the passwords. What a diabolical cunt.

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