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Long term relationship advice(95 Posts)
I'm new to mumsnet and I guess feeling like a bit of a fraud because I don't actually have kids so apologies if that's an issue for anyone, I just figured there's lots of supportive women on here with good advice (regularly come here for help with stuff)!
I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years nearly. I'm 28, he's 27. We met at uni, moved in together about 3 years ago and just bought a house at the beginning of this year.
On paper, (and in really life too I guess), he's a top bloke, he's not abusive, he's quite supportive, he's kind and caring and handsome.
The problem is, I find him so bloody boring. He's very career driven, and while I appreciate him having a job and earning decent money, it's literally his life and it doesn't align with how I feel about work. I have a good job and work hard but when I come home it's done and I do the stuff I'm passionate about.
He does all this stuff for work but then when he comes home all he does is moan about how tired he is and can't wait to go to bed at 10:00pm. He falls asleep every Friday night, he's tired every weekend.
He does the cooking every night which I'm very grateful for, I truly am. But he monopolises the whole situation and has to take control. He can't take any criticism about a meal if I don't like it (which is rare because I like most of his stuff) and thinks he's Gordon Ramsay and to top it all off he can't do the dishes at the same time so the kitchen is a tip every night.
He never cleans, he never feeds the rabbit, he'll never do the washing or drying or just generally think that other stuff might need doing around the house. I know I'm lucky he cooks but honestly it irks me so much the amount of thinking I have to do about keeping on top of things while he does none of it. It's making me feel like he's lazy and that makes me find him so unattractive.
I've talked to him about it, he thinks he does plenty around the house and thinks I have a superiority complex😒
He talks about money all. The. Time. He's obsessed with saving for his retirement and I know it's sensible but come on! Were not even thirty yet and do f**k all every weekend yet he's got thousands saved for being old. On top of the massive pension he's gathering because of his job.
Oh, and we never have sex. We are both physically fit people, exercise a lot and keep in shape, but sex just isn't a thing for us and hasn't been for about three years. Since we've moved into this house (February this year) we've had six about 5 times. I've tried initiating it but that never works. When he intiates I usually go with it but it lasts all of about ten seconds and I get nothing out of it which makes me never want to f**k him again. And the sex is boring. We've been having sex the exact same way for god knows how long and I'm tired of it. I still want it, I imagine shagging other people and being thrown about and the sheer passion of it all and then feel sad I don't have that.
I feel stifled by his restrictive nature, and his sensibility. He says I'm a dreamer and always want to be chasing some dream or another and that he keeps me seeing sense but I feel like what he actually does is hold me back from being who I want to be and just makes me save money. Don't get me wrong, he's brought a lot of great things into my life and I'm now financially stable because of him and I've got some good takeaways from being with him in terms of money management, but I want fire and ice and passion and he has none of it.
I feel bad because as I said, he's actually a really good person and I wonder if this is the dreamer in me chasing something else, 'grass is greener' and all of that, but I feel like as I've gotten older I've grown and changed and want something different.
I guess I just wanted some advice and thoughts from people, anyone really. I've got no one to talk to about it because all my friends are his and obviously they all think he's a great guy.
Any advice would be much appreciated, so sorry for the length of this post!! 🙏🏽
I think it’s just run its course. I can’t see how you will get the passion fired up if it has never really been there anyway. I think you are looking for more and should go and find it.
Agree with you re saving for retirement. If he’s not doing anything now he’s not likely to when he’s retired even with all that money.
You are not compatible and I think you know that. You met when you were very young and now you want different things out of life. That’s can happen, it’s no one fault.
I know it’s sad but you need to split up now , before you end up making each other really unhappy.
I think it’s a sad way for you to live at only 28.
Get out while you are still young.
You both need to find people you’ll be excited to be with...
You got together as young people. And as it often happens - you grew up and now you are different to how you used to be. The the adult versions of you don’t fit together.
Don’t make your life into years of boredom and frustration.
Oh god , I stopped reading after you the mention of superiority complex, such a long list of complaints you have....
To be fair if he cooks then you should wash up and all other chores should be split 50/50. But I think you seem to have so many issues about your partner that you should both just move on . You haven’t really said anything nice about him at all so what’s the point?
Thank you for your responses, and I agree, I haven't really said anything nice about him and I feel bad about that because he does have lots of great qualities. I know the issue is with me and not him, he'll make a lovely boyfriend for someone else I'm sure.
I feel very selfish making this all about me, believe me, but I just wonder how long I can go on like this in a relationship just because I didn't want to feel selfish, surely thats even more selfish in a sense?
I definitely feel like it's a sad way to live at 28. I know we all live differently etc. And I'm not looking for crazy adrenaline rushes and excitement 24/7 but any feeling other than a feeling of what I can only describe as loss, would be nice. I dread the rest of my life being more of the same. 😩
I hear you!! I’ve just myself posted on here, whilst I didn’t go into a huge amount of detail a lot of what you’ve said sounds very familiar. I too have no idea what to do xx
he'll make a lovely boyfriend for someone else I'm sure.. Not if he doesn’t learn how to please a woman in bed he won’t! 10 seconds and nothing in it for you, turns you down when you initiate it. Regardless of all your other issues, life’s too short for crap sex.
If im honest I've no idea what a relationship should be or feel like. I've only ever had two or three short lived teenage flings before this one. Because I have nothing to compare it to I feel like I'm just acting crazy and this is normal and will all blow over eventually and we'll just continue on in our boring daily lives until death.
It would be great if people could share what they feel a healthy relationship is like?
Great sex and he makes me laugh! I am still happy after 30 years together. A ‘top bloke who isn’t abusive’ isn’t a reason to stay with someone imo.
It doesn't matter if he's great or not, he doesn't make you happy.
A healthy relationship requires compatibility. It doesn't sound like you are compatible and it doesn't sound like you look forward to spending time together, let alone the rest of your lives.
I am much older that you and me and DH still look forward to the little spare time we get to spend together - we could be watching the paint dry and we'd still have a nice time because we enjoy each others company. Life does tend to get into a routine as you age and have children which is ok if you have similar goals and require similar amounts of entertainment/excitement/rest.
You don't have to feel guilty for not wanting this relationship and it doesn't have to be anyone's fault.
That sounds awful and it's not you OP! You think he does a lot because he cooks and leaves a state for you to clean up, gosh, hardly.
He sounds boring as fuck, in and out the bedroom, 7 years and it's like this; it's not what I would be happy with; it sounds soul destroying, he makes pretty fuck feck all effort in your direction; it's all about him and his goals, you are just along for the ride, about time you actually starting voicing your unhappiness to him instead of accepting this is your lot and normal; it sure as hell is not.
He sounds like my ex! A nicy guy but very boring and never wanting to go anywhere.
With my partner now we go out a lot at weekends, on mini breaks and holidays. Sitting at home bored off my tits is like a past life now.
Why do you feel lucky that he cooks? Like, are our bars that low that we should feel "lucky" if we have an OH who does any form of domestic work at all? Personally I wouldn't be happy unless my DH did his fair share, which he does because he understands that he lives in the house and is as responsible for it's up keep as me.........
You have different life goals.
I was with the same woman from 18-25 and we went our separate ways because it became obvious that we wanted different things out of life. I have wanderlust and a desire to see and do things in other countries as much as I can. She wanted to stay in the University city and never leave. Now, aged 31, she's still there, still doing the same thing. I'd probably have killed myself by now.
She's a lovely person, and so am I. We were good together. But being pinned to that city was killing me. No career options, no travel options, no novelty in life.
Now I'm working abroad 9 months out of every year and have a great relationship with someone who is happy for me to whisk her away for city breaks and short trips whenever possible, around the demands of both our jobs. It's not perfect, but it's a damn sight better than my life at 25 was.
He doesn't sound like a bad person. Saving for your retirement is sensible and a good call, but you can't spend the first 40 years of your life sacrificing everything to save for the last 40 - by that time it's already too bloody late to do a lot of the most interesting stuff!
Get out there and be yourself. As a 28 year old with no kids you'll be DROWNING in other options when it comes to dating. Live a little, and don't settle for less than you want.
I agree Sethis having similar priorities and goals is absolutely vital to having a happy long term relationship. It's probably why most people don't end up with the ones they were with at 18/19/20ish people change so much in those years and are only really figuring what those goals actually are. I met my DH when I was mid 20's and he was late 20's, we both really knew what we wanted from life at the point
It's so nice to hear about other people's relationships and how they work.
When it comes to the bedroom, I think when we first met and for the first two years things were pretty good. When he started training for his job (won't say just in case he reads mumsnet!) things soured pretty quickly and have just slowly got worse over the years. I've tried telling him how I like things but I actually find meaningful conversation with him difficult because generally we always talk to each other in these weird baby voices (kind of how like you'd talk to a dog or pet or something?) and I hate it. If I use a normal voice he assumes I'm mad at him!
Whenever I've tried to have an actual adult conversation about things he says he doesn't want to talk about it right now and gets the face on. He only wants to talk about pointless crap in a baby voice. Just writing this is making me cringe.
I just want someone to talk to me in a normal voice and actually have a conversation About something other than his work or football.
I mention all the time about going away for the weekend. He won't book it, says we don't have the money. And I know it's petty but I refuse to sort it because I do everything bloody else.
He's literally sat here now telling me how my sister is crazy and needs counselling and so does her son and how he is the most normal person because he's got great parents. (Apparently he saw a counsellor at his job today who was visiting and he was asking some questions).
Give me strength.
It makes me quite sad reading this. He isn't giving you what you need, and you aren't happy. However nice he is, he's not right for you. There is someone out there who will light your fire, and even if there wasn't , being alone has got to be better than this. End it kindly and walk into a new life full of possibilities.
Oh god, your update. It really sounds like the relationship has just run its course
In reply to your question about what makes a good relationship - I think it's about wanting (mostly) the same things and having the same or complementary approach to thing. Personally I'd struggle if we didn't have the same approach to look after our children, faithfulness in our relationship, sex, our careers. Not to say it can't work if you are different but there has to be come commonality to build on.
If the first words to describe him is ‘he’s not abusive’ then he’s definitely not the man for you.
Put your bar a lot higher and don’t waste your life hoping he’ll change- because he won’t!
Sethis that's so lovely and inspiring to hear.
I feel the way you did - I know this is partly because I grew up in poverty and didn't have my first holiday until I was 21.
I just feel like I have all these wonderful things to explore and people to meet and who knows if I'll ever do any of those things but I feel like being a 'one, two week holiday a year' person is not for me. I want to be able to book surprise adventures and last minute deals and actually his job will always always restrict that because he can only have set times off.
We do work around that of course but it takes away any element of spontaneity, adding to the routine and monotony of my very boring 28 year old life.
OP, I'm just a bit younger than you and the idea of resigning myself to a relationship like the one describe for the rest of my life makes my blood run cold. You clearly aren't happy and if he isn't willing to work on the things you want then it sounds very unlikely that you ever will be.
At our age, with no kids to consider, I think the rule of thumb should be "if I met him today, would I want to be in a relationship with him?". If you can't honestly say yes, then what's the point? And if you're not honest with yourself now, you'll find it even harder to be in a few more years time when you'll probably be engaged...
Also for a bit of context - my met-at-uni boyfriend of 6 years just broke up with me a month ago completely out of the blue. I'm heartbroken, but it's still not as bad as I thought it would be. I thought the world would end, it hasn't. Ending a relationship when you've grown up with a person is horrible, but it's possible. And I'd rather be going through this now and have a future with someone who wants to be with me than stay in a relationship where one of us isn't all in.
to you OP!
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