Feel like I've made a terrible mistake

[falaff]

Hi everyone,

I broke up with my partner of 8 months due to a lot of issues around his insecurities leading him to be quite emotionally controlling in the beginning of our relationship. A lot of that behaviour stopped but he then became critical of me and very 'needy' in the relationship. He blamed a lot on my ADHD but I failed to make the link - I was never angry at him, unfocussed on our relationship, or ignored him. He did have issues with my 'obsessions' on things when they could be interpreted as liking other people (e.g. interest in an 'attractive' musician). We would argue for hours on end and little things would be blown up out of proportion. I am a very sensitive person and don't take criticism well.

I am really struggling with the break up and I am regretting breaking up and not giving him a chance. I feel that I have given up many wonderful things and someone who could have been a great partner if we had worked out our issues.

Everyone said LTB and I thought it would make me feel relief, and I fully believe that most of the issues were down to his insecurities. He agreed, and said he would work hard to change and understand me as a person and how our personalities differ. I have gone NC as I can't bear to see him as it is too painful.

The thing is, there was evidence that he was working on things. He would bite his tongue and was trying to be accepting of my hobbies and friendships that he initially found difficult. He has agreed to get counselling and do a lot of self help to work on his issues. He took a lot of responsibility for the breakup and was sincerely sorry. But I still left, after getting advice that he should work on these things independently of me and I was better out of the relationship.

He hasn't done any typical EA behaviour since - hasn't contacted me, hasn't talked to any friends negatively about me, hasn't made me feel bad for my decision or begged me to come back.

Have I made a mistake here and not given someone a genuine chance to change and make the relationship work? I know MOST emotional abusers don't change and won't accept their faults. But I know that a small percentage of them do.

Should I give him another chance? I am dying with grief over our relationship. I feel so lonely and lost. We did everything together, we had amazing times, and I am so scared I've lost something that could have been great had I given it a chance. I'm nearly 33 and feel very alone.

[SeaViewBliss]

I think if you had that many issues in 8 months then you did the right thing.

Breaking up is hard and you need time to process it. There are bound to be times when you question whether it was right but you need to keep reminding yourself of all the reasons you ended it.

I’m sorry you’re hurting. Have you got real life support? 💐

[Lookatyourwatchnow]

Please don't give him another chance. My belief, and I work daily with perpetrators of domestic abuse, is that they don't ever change. They can change superficially as a very short term measure to draw you back in, but will always eventually revert back to their default. In such a short relationship, he has head fucked you. Imagine the damage he could do if you were together for a few years. Imagine how much he will belittle you when you are pregnant and then use your child to control you.

[PersephoneRising]

Look, nobody leaves their partner because women on the internet say so.

YOu say everybody said leave him. But you felt at the time that you weren't compatible and you felt that strongly enough at the time to initiate a split.

8 months is NOT enough time to have adjusted to your new situation. This is a wobble. Do not go back to him.

You yourself label him in your post here as an abuser. And then in the very last sentence of your post you say that you're scared and you feel alone.

You also say that you're scared you've lost something that could have been great not that you've lost something that actually was great.

So please do yourself a massive favour and look at Inner Integration / Meredith Miller on you tube as well as Ross Rosenberg - Human magnet syndrome. Please watch all of their clips and just work your way through them. You will understand that this precise loneliness and self-doubt you feel now is what makes you vulnerable to an abusive relationship.

[PersephoneRising]

Also as well as the two I suggested above, Lisa Romano has a series of clips on you tube about loving yourself and how to get there and as a result how to no longer be co-dependent or at risk of being the co-dependent one in a relationship.

Please give yourself time to heal and change and grow!!!!! Do not go racing back to a man who you know is abusive at the first wobble you feel.

[Aussiebean]

I think this is clouded by the fact you are 33 and feel alone.

For a relationship that has any hope of being happily ever after, the first 8 months should not be dominated by his abuse. In fact, the next 50 years should not have it either.

He maybe ‘working on it’ but if, and I mean IF he really is and not just saying it in the hope that you will cave, then let the next girl deal with that.

Go find yourself someone where your getting together story doesn’t involve abuse.

[WhiteDust]

You did give him a chance.
As you say, you are grieving for the loss of your relationship. Not for him and the way he behaved towards you.

[falaff]

The thing is that he had a relationship for nearly a decade before me and he can't have behaved in the same way towards her; she cheated on him and he didn't leave because she had health issues and felt trapped. So I am inclined to believe at least some of the things where he says that it is partly me too, that I can't take criticism and am overly sensitive. I do get very emotional in other areas of my life, including at work if it is very stressful, and I suffer from anxiety and depression so I know I'm not easy to live with. He says that I've never said a bad word to him, which is true, but does feel that our conflicts arise out of how I handle arguments etc.

I genuinely believe that he's not a bad person, he struggles with insecurities and I have seen him suffer through the relationship. It's not like he gets a kick out of 'abusing' me. It's that he is struggling with his own issues.

I think because I have struggled with my own mental issues and have needed a hand hold, I am inclined to give him a chance and offer the support he needs to work on his issues.

I'm just so messed up over it :( I was in a bad relationship before and had codependency issues but got out of it and am a stronger person because of it. And I learnt enough to leave this relationship when it was too much for me, so I am not a pushover. But it's REALLY affected me and I have this absolulte sense of doom and dread, like a bad anxiety hit, when I realise that it's really over. I haven't had that before over breakups that I've initated.

I just think, what if he was the right guy, albeit damaged, and I just didn't give him a fair chance?

[PersephoneRising]

So what? HE says she says

I stayed for 7 years with a man who was a controlling critical blamer and I did that because my parents denied me a sense of myself, so don't assume that because another woman spent a decade with him that that gives him some sort of relationship-equipped status. Not when there are people out there like the person I was between the ages of 29 and 36.

When you were with this guy did you feel like the future was exciting? Did you feel lighter, supported, encouraged, cherished, understood?

I don't think so. You felt scrutinised.

So why on earth do you feel that you're at risk of losing something with any value!

Why does being scrutinised and blamed and picked and told you're too sensitive continue to HOLD VALUE to you. Sorry for 'shouting' with the caps. But I want you to ask yourself this.

The biggest stupidest mistake I made was going back to my abusive x. And like the pp said upthread, the one who works in the area of domestic abuse support, he pulled it out of the bag as a short term measure and then he quickly reverted to his old ways, but with the added certainty that there was literally nothing he couldn't do to me, I would just forgive it overlook it ignore it bury it deny it ...

[falaff]

@PersephoneRising I understand what you're saying and I've tried very hard to recognise my own issues with staying in bad relationships like I've said above.

I honestly though don't think I can change. I'm a really emotional, sensitive person. I think of others before myself, I desperately crave close relationships and I can't really function without one. I have a very close family and I grew up with an identical twin for the first 18 years of my life. We are now in different countries and I expect that I'm trying to replace that hole in my life.

I've had counselling for all of this, but it's who I am as a person. I'm almost half a person - I'm not 'myself' without a close partnership with someone. But I don't think I will ever 'fix' this or change - it's too ingrained. So I have to work with what I have.

I feel that I have an awful lot to give someone. I gave a lot to my past two partners but it wasn't enough. I am just scared that I am the one fucking up these relationships by being so sensitive, and what I need to do is learn to live with it. I think what I want/need doesn't exist if you see what I mean, and I will never find a partner that does not upset me because it's actually MY problem.

[PersephoneRising]

I've never done the freedom programme but I've watched hundreds (thousands) of clips on line and they have transformed the way I think.

Can you put yourself on an online freedom course? Or if you cannot do that please watch the you tube clips I recommended.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I know it’s shit feeling alone and not knowing what the future holds

What you want is a partner who embraces all of who you are and what makes you tick, not one who has to bite his lip to stop criticising you. You’re unlikely to meet a man who shares every one of your interests but mutual respect, while not very sexy sounding, is an essential part of building a solid foundation in a relationship.

It sounds like you’re almost missing the drama, the struggle to get him to like you enough, to behave well towards you, and it’s compounded by having seen small changes brought about by your own. I don’t say that critically at all. My first serious relationship was with a man who, looking back, mostly behaved appallingly, drank too much, cheated, could be vile, but also very romantic, loads of big gestures, could say amazing things. It was like a drug, parts of it made me euphoric, and the lows made the highs even higher. When we finally broke up part of me felt relief and another part missed the colour and drama.

Relationships aren’t meant to be like that. You’re supposed to feel happy, cared for, cherished, appreciated, at ease. It’s a weird change when you find it but so much healthier.

You will feel better, give yourself time. You’ve done the right thing.

[sackrifice]

If it wasn't good at 8 months it was never going to get better.

I think you might need some help here, so perhaps the Freedom Programme might help?

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

[falaff]

Thanks. I just feel so full of self pity, it's pathetic. I'm so sad that I tried so hard and it failed. I just want to love someone and be loved. I can't even get a bloody dog because I can't afford my own house.

I am so scared of being alone. I am doing a lot to fight it - I'm moving back to the city where my ex is despite being afraid of seeing him, and I'm staying in touch with mutual friends, and going to the same gym (but avoiding him) because I don't want this break up to take away everything I've built in the past 2 years.

I just know that the easiest thing and what I want more than anything is to go back to him. He gave me a lot of great things and met many of my other needs, and indeed my emotional needs, most of the time. The way we met, fell in love, the way we spent our happy times together was all amazing. Everyone saw us as this perfect couple and were so happy when we got together as they saw it coming a mile off.

And I still love him and care about him and am sad that he is hurting, because if he feels anything like I do, he must be in a lot of pain. Our friends are saying it's such a shame.

I talk to people about their partners and they say thing like 'oh yeah, X can be grumpy but I just ignore him' and they live happily ever after. Whereas if my partner is grumpy, it eats me up, to the point where I can't bear it and we argue. Like I can't accept that they're grumpy, and I can't accept that it's not 100% perfect, and I can't accept that they're not happy with me. So I feel like I've caused all of this.

[falaff]

Also, maybe I deserve criticism. I can be annoying. I can be very spontaneous and blurt things out. I can be hyperactive, I can be obsessive and I can zone out. Maybe I need to accept my flaws and the criticism that comes with them instead of blaming others for the way I feel?

[PersephoneRising]

@falaff, you're only 33, I didn't leave my xh til I was 36. so you have three years on me in this 'race' to feel content with our one short life before we pop our mortal coil.

It is normal to feel this much self-doubt after a bad relationship or a series of bad relationships and I only really started to feel that I had control over my own life about 4 - 5 years after psychotherapy so it takes a while for the lessons to sink in.

You have to learn them in two ways. As theory and then you need opportunities to apply them and analyse the outcomes and see what you took from those learning opportunities.

You are in the midst of this process and you are not half a person! you are a person who is growing.

Growth always follows pain. So don't bury the pain.

There's nothing wrong with being emotional and sensitive. You have accepted somebody else's narrative about you. So you feel emotions? so you are at times insulted by somebody else's attempts to manipulate you and control you and ride roughshod over you? Well good! that is a boundary peeking through! that's a boundary TRYING to come up for air.

You'll get there. It's ok to feel like you're a work in progress. I was a mess from 36-40. I don't mean that I was unhappy every day but I definitely recognise that feeling of being half a person. I had also been told every time I expressed any need or desire that I was demanding and I'd been told every time i called out a person for disregarding my feelings that I was ''too sensitive''.

Well you can get to a point where the people around you are not of the 'ilk' to disregard other people.

It is a process. A journey. Blah blah. Maybe you're thinking that you haven't got time for that and it sounds too scary but it's not, step by step a stronger version of you can emerge.

If you are genuinely worried about being too sensitive there is also another therapist on youtube called Julie Krystina (?) who has great clips about how to deal with challenging situations in a way that serves YOU BETTER. Habits of emotionally resilient people.

There is no harm to developing more resilience! But if on the one hand you're recognising that you are sensitive and need more resilience why on earth would you even consider going back to a man who upsets you.

Just for a minute, suppose you are ''too sensitive'' - why would your partner not be mindful of that vulnerability in you?

This man is not right for you.

Whatever growth you have ahead of you, he is not right for you and you will be turning your back on a better life where you have the chance to become a stronger person if you go back to him.

I think it's impossible to start this 'journey' towards strength and resilience and contentment in one's own company and thoughts while you are still WITH an abusive/controlling/blamer type of man because all of the energy that could be going inwards is instead going towards tightrope walking and pandering to a man who does not have your best interests at heart. He wants HIS needs met, at your expense.

[PersephoneRising]

Ok falaff, but why would you want to choose a partner who is annoyed by you? If you feel you deserve a partner who will criticise you then you Have to step away from relationships.

Would it not make more sense to step back, take stock, think about who you are without pairing up with somebody who you know finds you sensitive spontaneous and ''annoying''.

Why? Why does that have value? Why do you need to be criticised?
Why do you have to be in a relationship? Why do you deserve criticism?

[PersephoneRising]

''---- am sad that he is hurting, because if he feels anything like I do, he must be in a lot of pain. Our friends are saying it's such a shame. ''

The first part is because you are hardwired to put other people's feelings above your own. When I left my x, and omg, I had clung on for years and he was horrible to me, I cried because of how self-pitying he was feeling, how self-pitying i knew he'd be feeling. He had literally TRAINED me to feel his feelings.

And the second part, you need to focus on being happy, not what your friends think would make you happy. If your friends were mature enough to understand that this relationship left you with so much self-doubt and confusion they would not say its ending is a shame.

If you were my friend and you told me this I would be so relieved for you that it was over.

[falaff]

I think you're right that I need to be alone or at least not with him to go through the journey. Just to clairfy, what I mean about being half a person is that I genuinely feel lost without a very close relationship. Imagine spending the first 18 years of your life attached to another person - I always had company no matter what I did, never spent a day alone, never went out on my own, my sister was always there. So when I'm on my own, I don't feel right. I multitask, do coping behaviours, or decent into depression, because as a human I've learnt to be with another human.

My point is that, just as I don't want to be responsible for my partners' insecurities, I need to be responsible and not expect others to fix this. And just like I shouldn't pander to his issues, he shouldn't pander to mine. If I did a reversal then people would probably say LTB too!

So I just feel that I've thrown something away over criticisms and behaviours that I should be able to take if I was 'normal'. If you see what I mean.

[fieryginger]

8 months - it shouldn't be this hard. Onwards and upwards op.

[Zoflorabore]

You say you want to be with "someone"

That speaks volumes to me.

Is it him you really want or just "someone"?
There is a huge difference and one choice doesn't cost you your already fragile MH.

Best of luck to you op

[PersephoneRising]

I do understand that feeling falaff, but when you're default is to feel less loneliness you have a greater defence against controlling/selfish/narcissistic/blamer types. Who maybe are not 100% bad and these types always evoke your pity with their reminders that they aren't 100% bad and then turn it round to talk about your perceived flaws!

So being less lonely is a GREAT defence against these types.

[PersephoneRising]

Self discovery is a great way to reduce loneliness.

I read Lundy Bancroft's book first ''why does he do that" and it was great for piercing my denial but the focus was all about HIM.

So then I stumbled on to ''a woman in your own right'' by Anne Dickson which was great as it made me see that I had not been protecting my boundaries and it made me understand that if I could be more assertive in a relationship it would be good for me.

I read a whole LOAD of books about relationships but I still felt that that advice was for other women. It didn't penetrate.

So I went back to the drawing board with Nathaniel Barden's Six Pillars of self-esteem and I did all of the exercises. Self-efficacy is a large part of self esteem too which was the bit that had been missing for me, I knew I deserved to be treated well but I didn't feel I had control over my life. Feeling that you have control over the outcomes in your life is very important and linked to your sense of self.

I listened to hundreds of hours of counselling on line as well. It has helped me so much. Allan Robarge is another good one. I really recommend that guy. I will never have a bad relationship again. I will recognise it and I'll walk away and I'll be fine.

Julia Kristina counselling is good for builiding emotional strength and resilience in the face of life's various trials and tribulations.

But all of this probably sounds like a lot of work!!! So mix it up with what you love. I love getting the sewing machine out and learning foreign languages and watching shows on netflix with subtitles on and making figures out of clay and reading crime books as well as a book club and a philosophy class. So it's important to think about what you LOVE doing for you while you're on the 'journey' to self discovery.

x

[falaff]

@Zoflorabore it's a bit of both. I miss what I need in terms a relationship - companionship, someone to talk to, physical affection, but I miss all of these things from him. Those were all amazing and we clicked on so many levels. Honestly when you say that someone is emotionally abusive you just picture this thug but that's never the case. He's just a person with issues and me doing things out of his comfort zone makes him feel shit, and he does what he needs to to stop himself feeling shit. He's not an ogre. Which is why I feel hypocritical when i and others say that he needs to understand me, but I can't give any time to understanding him because the way he expresses it makes me feel bad. Maybe I make him feel bad. Which is why I think he deserves a chance to fix things.

Maybe the way forward is, if I'm not with someone else, to reconnect with him in 6 months. If he's serious he would have had 6 months of counselling and working on his issues and may be able to be in a healthy relationship with me.

[PersephoneRising]

allen robarge relationship counselling

Julia kristina counselling, great for every day minor challenges

Meredith Miller's journey to self-healing and self-love after narcissistic abuse

Ross Rosenberg understand human magnet syndrome - why you attract abusers like you're a magnet

talking about codependency, what is it about you that makes you feel like half a person

Nathaniel brandon audio book of his book

There are more people who gave me a lot of insights. All of these people are on youtube and it's free.

[falaff]

@PersephoneRising thanks, I will do all of those things. I am on the waiting list for counselling and also trying to work on myself.

The shit thing is that it's not always easy to just recognise and walk away. By the time I'd recognised the issues with both my past partners I was so emotionally tied to them that it was so hard to leave. I did it, but it was like voluntarily stabbing myself, like knowing I had to cut my arm off to survive like that poor guy in the film! Both times I've had to give up a lot that came with my relationships - my house, pets, friends, some hobbies. I've read about the sunken fallacy cost though which has helped me with this break up and other life situations.