How do I deal with this??

[Fuppsake]

I’m honestly at the end of my tether with my partner.

We’ve been together for 3 years. I’m 5 months pregnant with his baby but have 2 kids from a previous marriage. Current partner says he sees 2 current children as his own, he even requests I don’t call them his step kids as, although legally they’re not his kids, he sees them as his. My 2 children don’t have any contact with their biological father as he decided to fuck off from their lives 2 years ago. Myself and current partner don’t live together yet.

Myself and current partners relationship has been quite rocky the past few months. Mainly because I feel like he’s not pulling is weight by helping out around the house or helping enough with the kids. Every time we have a fall out he retreats to his bolt hole, leaving me pregnant and looking after the 2 kids on my own. No or barely any contact, even though the kids both have their own mobiles. It’s like he makes them suffer when we’ve fell out.

We had a fall out on Tuesday and again he’s fucked off. He sent the kids a text last night asking if they were behaving....they replied “yes” and he’s ignored them since. They’ve been asking me when he’s coming back over to stay and I’ve been making excuses that he’s busy with work.

I sent him a text earlier saying does he not think he should be making an effort to see the kids as he’s not seen them all week and they’re asking for him. That was 2 hours ago - no reply. Now his phones off. I know he’s going to come back later tonight or tomorrow with some bullshit excuse.

I really don’t know what to do about this. My head is telling me he is a total waste of space and to show him some cold hard reality by slinging him to fuck - which I absolutely would do if I wasn’t pregnant.

Any advice?

[Fuppsake]

Meant to add - he usually stays at mine 4/5 nights a week.

[TooTrueToBeGood]

Picking up on this bit:

Current partner says he sees 2 current children as his own, he even requests I don’t call them his step kids as, although legally they’re not his kids, he sees them as his.

On the face of it, that seems really lovely and committed, just what you and your kids need. Except, it's not. It's all about his needs, marking his territory, laying claim to the kids as his. Now it could be just how you worded it and I'm being pedantic and unfair but the rest of your post reinforces my gut suspicions.

[Fuppsake]

@TooTrueToBeGood

Yea I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. I’ve actually never thought of it like that.

[TooTrueToBeGood]

I picked that bit because it's a hook, if you know what I mean. He's a good guy, there for the kids, there for you and you swallowed it (no shame on you, i don't mean it to blame you). But look st his behaviour. He punishes you by disappearing when you dare to argue or disagree with him. He cares more about winning the point he's trying to prove than hurting the kids. He is really not a nice person, quite the opposite.

[LizzieSiddal]

A proper father does not go off for days at a time without contacting his children and neither does a proper partner.

He’s behaving like an awful, sulking tenenager. Are you sure you aren’t better off without him?

[Fuppsake]

I know for an absolute fact that when I ask him why he hasn’t bothered with the kids for days he will turn it around on me. It’s never his fault, I’m always to blame according to him.

I honestly just feel defeated.

[RoseOfSharyn]

My DP would never dream of calling himself even 'stepdad' to my children. I would never call myself 'stepmum' to his. We also stay with eachother 4/5 nights a week.

But the nights we are apart we always ask how each others children are. We did this before we even met each others children and were seeing each other 1/2 times a week.

He is not even a decent partner, let alone a good father.

Do it alone. I will be less stressful than having a newborn and a manchild.

[LizzieSiddal]

I honestly just feel defeated

You should feel angry. He’s not a nice person and is treating you and your dc, horribly.

[RoseOfSharyn]

Can I ask, why, after 3 years and having a baby together, you don't live with each other?

[Fuppsake]

I have asked him to move in as I own and he rents but he won’t as he says there’s no security for him and that I could kick him out at any time.

He says he would live with us if we were to rent somewhere together and if we did this I could rent my place out. I’ve told him I can’t move from here until my eldest finishes primary (we live in scotland) as I don’t want to upset her schooling as she’s in her final year of primary, but he still refuses to move in.

[Summerisdone]

You're about to have his child and yet he's still more worried about keeping his man pad so he has a 'sense of security'. I'd get that more if he wasn't trying to convince you that you're a family (with his own child on the way too).
How's it going to work once baby is here in terms of finances? Will he say he can't contribute equally because he has his own set of bills to pay? Does he give you Any money at the minute if he's staying at yours around 80% of the time?

Personally I expect you would find things much less stressful without him, but if you want to continue in the relationship with him then I think these are questions that definitely need answers (if you've not already got them) and I think you need to tell him that with baby on the way and him insisting he's as good as dad to the other children, then he needs to grow up bloody quickly and stop with the sulks and ghosting act, as you'll have much less patience for his shit when you've got a newborn and are feeling sleep deprived

[Fuppsake]

@summerisdone

Nope he doesn’t pay a penny.

[AnyFucker]

You are being mugged off
Do you get this ?

[LizzieSiddal]

He can’t be arsed to move in with you properly, as it will mean he can’t get away with disappearing back to his place, anytime he fancies.

[Summerisdone]

@Fuppsake he's got it made by the sounds of things. He has his perfect little family with you and the kids, but then he's still got his man pad to retreat to whenever you 'do his head in' or say something he doesn't like etc. and remains unreachable until it suits him, so eventually you'll find yourself watching what you say, or how you behave/act etc. for fear of upsetting/pissing him off and he does one again, and without you even noticing it he's got you under control... I think keeping his own place is nothing to do with his security but used as a means to control you and also as a way to keep a bit of single life going.
I wouldn't even be surprised if some of the arguments are orchestrated by him just so he can justify fucking off and ignoring you for days, that way he can go out with his mates or whatever he wants whilst you sit at home waiting for him to be ready to return and then he can twist that it's your fault he went.

I honestly don't think I've ever said it on here before, but LTB, you and all three kids will be better off without him, right now you're financially supporting him; paying extra in living costs with him there, whilst the same bills that are costing you extra will be costing him much less (utility and shopping bills etc. can't be too high for a house that someone barely lives at) and you'll also be mentally better off without his games and sulks and your two children will know what's going on better and where they stand, because at the minute he's screwing with them and their emotions just to be able to get one up on you... not proper father material really.

I wish you the best of luck though with your new baby coming, and I'm presuming you've been a single parent before you met partner, and you're certainly as good as a single parent right now, so you'll do just as well with three as you've done with two, and you'll have the older two who I'm sure will be willing to help where possible with the newborn

[SuperSuperSuper]

It's such a shame, but this man isn't someone you should persist with OP.

[Fuppsake]

@summerisdone

Thank you so much ❤️

[Weenurse]

@summerisdone, great post and advice

[BumbleBeee69]

I wouldn't want him to move in, hell no

[Fuppsake]

His phone is still off. I honestly can’t believe he would do that, what if I needed him for something or if (god forbid) there was something wrong with one of the kids or our unborn child. Even if there was something wrong with his phone or he had left it in work (which I doubt) surely he could use his work phone or email me to let me know this and give me another means of contact in case of an emergency.

This has just proven how much of a waste of space he is.

[BumbleBeee69]

This has just proven how much of a waste of space he is

I agree

[LizzieSiddal]

How are you this morning OP?

[Joysmum]

He just wants to be part time with minimal commitment.

Is that enough for you?

You can’t force him to feel differently so if you did persuade him to be a bit more, his heart wouldn’t be in it.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

He says he sees 2 current children as his own, he even requests I don’t call them his step kids as, although legally they’re not his kids, he sees them as his.

Yet he doesn't live with you or contribute a penny. He's no father to your DC and all the signs are that he'll be just as useless and uncommitted with the baby you're expecting.

This is not a man you should be taking seriously. It's a shame you're having a child with him, as you'll have to have some sort of relationship going forward. But if he's already giving your poor kids the silent treatment I'd guess he'll ditch them and the new baby as soon as he loses interest.

This guy adds little to your life and creates a lot of misery. I can't see what's in it for you, tbh.

Sorry you're dealing with this.

[BerylStreep]

I'd think very carefully about whether you put him on the birth certificate when you have the baby. Do you want him to have full parental responsibility if you split up? It would mean he would have a right to decisions such as schooling and religion and where you live.