Dp lost his job and lied about it

[TooMadToThinkStraight]

I've NC. Just found out dp lost his job 5 months ago. He said he wanted to find something new before telling me but when he couldn't things just snowballed and he didn't know how to come clean. I was pregnant, now have a 6 week old and he said he didn't want to put any stress on me. I'm furious at being lied to. I'm a SAHM and do all the shopping so have been budgeting on what I thought he was earning, but instead of a salary I've really been spending our savings which he was putting in the account to make it look like he was still working. That's all gone now the only money left is my inheritance which we put aside for a house deposit and for me to retrain so I can go back to work one day. So no we aren't out on the streets but this money was supposed to be for our future. He lost his job over a really stupid oversight but I'm not mad about that, shit happens, I'm mad that he's been lying to me all these months. I could have been so much more careful with our money, cut our cloth properly and made it last until he found new work. And I never even suspected anything was wrong - how can I trust someone who can lie to my face so convincingly for months? He's always been the perfect partner, kind, loving, a devoted father, pulls his weight around the house. I'm so blindsided that he would do this, I feel sick.

[Ellisandra]

Hmmm.
There’s a part of me wants to be sympathetic to him, understanding that your pregnancy made him want to hide it, and he probably did think he’d only be lying for a few weeks.

But - WTF has been doing 5 days a week for 5 months?!

I’d be angry that I’d been treated like a child, and angry that the savings could have been used more sparingly. Like you, I’d be rocked at how he could lie. But I’d also be pissed off that he hasn’t picked up any work in 5 months - I’d want to know how hard he’d tried.

I don’t think this would be unforgiveable for me... but it would take a LONG time for me to put it in the past.

You poor thing

[pippistrelle]

That's hugely difficult, and it's no wonder you're in a state of shock. But I do have some sympathy for your husband too. He must have been in a dark place these past few months.

I'd suggest doing nothing immediately other than focussing on one of you finding paying employment. Then see how you feel when the dust settles and you've been able to talk about how it came to this and whether you think you can move on.

[PennyMordauntsLadyBrain]

I would be furious. Not about the loss of the job, but the deceit and having the rug pulled from under me.

Part of being in a partnership is that you work through problems together, not keep one person in the dark and make a pig’s ear of “fixing” things yourself.

Do you have access to the savings account or was it in his name? How was he able to use the savings without you noticing?

[Bluntness100]

Where did he go all day every day?

[pippistrelle]

What has he been doing with all that time is a very good question.

[MrsTerryPratcett]

I feel for him. But not as much as I feel for the OP, who has been lied to for MONTHS.

I have a particular issue with people who lie and as a result remove choices from other people. It's actually really controlling, like he knows better. Particularly as you are a SAHM and therefore dependent financially. I would struggle to forgive this.

[Theweasleytwins]

My h who is an arse most of the time got fired but his alcoholic arsehole boss for basically no reason. He took an entire morning to tell me

He was worried to stress me as I'm pregnant but found a new job quickly

What has yours been doing every day?

[theworldistoosmall]

What has he been doing for the past 5 months?
Why hasn't he got a job in that time?
Has he been applying for anything and everything, or just things that he deems acceptable?

[Seaweed42]

What's he going to say about the 5 month gap since his last job? He said he did this for you, but that's bull. It was his own feelings he was protecting.
This inability to face up to himself may be part of why he lost his job in the first place. His fear of failure and fear of admitting he is unsure about something. I'd be raging with him. I would hope he'll find it easier to find a new job now that he's owned up.

[gamerchick]

Where has he been going though while leaving you in the house to do the grunt work?

[PennyMordauntsLadyBrain]

What has he been doing with all that time is a very good question.

Exactly. It begs the question who else knew he was out of work- ie has he been sitting at his mum’s watching Jezza Kyle all day, or has he been dragging himself round every recruitment agency and job centre in town all day for five months?

[LIZS]

So he's been disappearing each day - where to, and doing what? Has he been signing on and really looking at every opportunity? Presumably he was paid in lieu of notice plus leave etc.

[countrybunny]

Has he been pretending to go to work?

[jeanne16]

This is a very difficult situation for both of you. Your DP was presumably humiliated by the loss of his job. I think this is a time to try to support each other if possible and avoid the recriminations.

[babygoose48]

what the fuck has he been doing all this time?!!

[IfNotNowBernard]

Humiliated? ? Wtf! I'm not even sure how many jobs I have been fired from-or walked out of! Depending on the industry it's not uncommon. Not everyone works for the civil service..
I would struggle to forgive this.
Not the job loss, although that is stressful, but the sustained lying!
And the money. Fuck.
Also, 5 months to get a job? I'm not being a cow but surely with a pregnant wife you'd get any job while you were applying for better stuff? I mean-Asda, McDonald's, working the warehouse at Argos?
I'm really sorry OP I would be raging too.

[KingRhubarb]

My Brother lost his job and didn't tell anyone and fed the ducks in the park for months... it happens. They must have been well fed ducks...

[pugalugs90]

@KingRhubarb that makes me so sad. I really feel like men 'in general' have such an expectation to provide and they want with everything they've got to live up to that. To confide in a partner that as the main breadwinner you've lost your job must be sole destroying. I really feel for you. Congrats on new baby OP I hope you can both ride this out and have a fantastic future

[Olderbyaminute]

OH MY GOD OP-here’s a virtual hug-congrats on your new,beautiful baby ❤️. Unfortunately this type of sustained deceit would throw me for a loop. Idk if you can ever fully trust your partner ever again after this bombshell,sigh. There would be so much he would have to do before I would ever accept him back that I don’t think I could ever depend on him again. Good luck. Both you and your baby deserve better.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Sorry but this is totally shit.

I wouldn't be able to trust him again after that level of deceit.

So sorry, OP. But congrats on your DS. He's had 5 months to get a job and he hasn't? Is there something else going on here? So where was he when he was pretending to be at work?

Tell him to get a job ANY JOB.

[Dirtybadger]

I know it's individual to where you live and if your DH is particularly unemployable....but I would be highly suspicious if my DP claimed he had been trying hard to find a job (any job) for 5 months and hadn't.

I'm not entirely without sympathy but he has demonstrated some really, really awful judgment.

[DianaT1969]

I agree with a previous OP, don't make any decisions now. Women usually have other women to talk to and I think men tend to bottle things up. It's always such a shame when you hear about a man who didn't get help for stress/MH issues etc because he didn't want to seem weak or show vulnerability.
Only you know his background. Would he consider himself a failure for losing hos job?
Money can be earned again. I understand the broken trust issue, but take time to work through this.

[WombOfOnesOwn]

I suspect "pulling his weight" would have involved more women's work than he was comfortable with while his wife was 9 months pregnant, if she'd known he was unemployed.

[crazyhead]

I'd want to know more about where this behaviour was coming from - it is perfectly viable it could be severe depression, wanting to protect you during your pregnancy or fear that you'd leave him. If I imagine myself doing this to my husband, I can just imagine the absolute horror and strain of not telling him as time went by. You really need to explore this further before you come to conclusions, especially if you love him and have known him to be a decent man.

But also, I am really sorry and I hope you have ways of getting some protection and support - its such hard work with a little one, and this must be an awful lot to deal with

[ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName]

Five months is a long time. My Dad once lost his job when I was about 12 and walked all the way home (about ten miles) and then round and round a bit more to delay telling my Mum what had happened which I understood but was also pretty cowardly..... But that was a five hour delay, not a five month one. What did he do with himself for five months?!