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Still living with ex, am I a bad parent?

(17 Posts)
thisusernameistaken123 Mon 12-Nov-18 09:54:53

Ex DP and I had been together for 7 years and have a 2.5 y o DD. I work 4 days a week and ex DP is self employed and works 2/3 days a week. Child care is kindly provided by GPs and WFH days.

In September our relationship issues came to a head and I told ex i want a separation, he wasn't happy about it as he apparently thought our relationship was happy, but agreed to 50/50 care of DD and to me moving out.

The house i have secured is not ready to move into until December so we are all currently living in the same house, which is awkward and edgy to say the least.

The relationship counsellor we visit ed suggested that we each spend a few nights a week out of the family home, for headspace and sanity and we both agreed to this.....now since agreeing to this Ex has been resolutely at home every day and evening, and I have spent 2 nights a week staying with family and friends.

Now Ex is telling me i am a bad parent, don't care about Dd and that he is the only stable influence in her life, and that I am 'never home'- as a work a 4 day week and may spend two evenings out of the home.

For the last 4 years i have been either at work or at home, with rare exception s, so while I can see that DDs home routine has been disrupted, she will also need to adapt to 50/50 time with each parent when we move, and I feel children are adaptable.

So I guess it's an AIBU....AIBU to spend this time out of the home or is DP continuing to gaslight me and play on the guilt i am already feeling??

OP’s posts: |
Musti Mon 12-Nov-18 09:58:53

He's trying to make you feel guilty. Being a good parent doesn't mean having to be tied to the child 24/7. You spend a lot of time with her and the rest of the time she's with people who love her and look after her. Ignore what he says. Also, if you've agreed to leave the house why isn't he also doing it to allow more stress free time for everyone?

SandyY2K Mon 12-Nov-18 10:03:03

I think I'd say ..... "and it's comments like that from you, that reinforce I'm doing the right thing by spliting up even when I have doubts"

thisusernameistaken123 Mon 12-Nov-18 10:04:58

Thank you for that reassurance Musti- I honestly don't know why he is not upholding his part in being out of the house, he was resistant to the split and although he says he wants to do anything to make me happy, is unable to do that by going out occasionally!

OP’s posts: |
thisusernameistaken123 Mon 12-Nov-18 10:05:58

I have said very similar sandy! Apparently I am just an arse for saying so!

OP’s posts: |
Trinity66 Mon 12-Nov-18 10:07:48

You say you will be moving out permanently in December? That's only a couple of weeks time, just try to suck it up till then and you won't have to deal with it after that!

thisusernameistaken123 Mon 12-Nov-18 10:09:45

I am counting down the days trinity! I'm just so worn down with it all that it's becoming less and less easy to brush off comments like the above. It's been a long 2 months!

OP’s posts: |
Trinity66 Mon 12-Nov-18 10:12:14

It must be a complete nightmare, I can't even imagine but you're almost there

Wonkypalmtree Mon 12-Nov-18 10:30:56

If you stay away can you take DD with you? Treat it as a fun adventure?

LongWalkShortPlank Mon 12-Nov-18 10:36:20

I agree with the other posters, you're doing your best in a crappy situation. But I think you need to be realistic about the 50/50 care, and be aware that if he's there every night now he will probably fight you when that starts up. As of right now he gets every night with your child and you don't which could go in his favour if you end up in court. I would look at starting to even that out over the next couple of weeks, maybe he could leave, or you could take your child too as suggested above.

SandyY2K Mon 12-Nov-18 11:40:12

He wants to make you feel bad ending it, so he goes for an area that will hurt you... your DD. He wants to get a reaction out of you.

Ignore him.

A child having happy parents is important. Statements that can't be disputed are good if anything. "We both deserve to be with someone who makes us happy"

"DD should see a loving healthy relationship"

"I'm sorry you feel that way"

ZigZagZebras Mon 12-Nov-18 11:57:13

It sounds like you're doing the best possible solution and he's likely trying to make you feel guilty as he didn't want to relationship to end.
You will be 50/50 soon anyway so DD will be away from you more overnight time so it actually makes more sense gradually getting her used to it with the 2 nights until you move.

Cawfee Mon 12-Nov-18 12:12:55

You are doing as the counsellor, a trained professional, suggested. You are following professional advice. He isn’t. Therefore, you are not being unreasonable and you should point out that he isn’t holding up his side of the agreement with the counsellor which actually makes him look like the bad parent.

MsPavlichenko Mon 12-Nov-18 15:57:59

Yes to all the above re parenting. But. Is he likely to go for full custody ( possibly to punish you/ force you to stay). If so be very careful as he may try and use this as an indicator of him providing the majority of care. Don't assume he will put DC interests firs. He might not.

tempName101 Thu 19-Nov-20 16:24:21

I wrote this exact post a few years ago. My Ex also disregarded the counsellors advice and used it to make me feel bad.

I really feel for you OP.

I would like to say things changed once we moved out, but I have had a few years of accusations, gaslighting and a nightmare court case....I would get your child residence sorted formally ASAP.

notroundthebend Thu 19-Nov-20 16:28:27

This is from 2018 🤷‍♀️

Beentherefonethat Thu 19-Nov-20 16:29:09

Is he setting up his stall re custody a bit further down the road.....

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