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Do men ever regret their ‘midlife crisis’ affairs?(199 Posts)
Just that really - it’s such a common occurrence, I’d be interested in how it tends to pan out in the fullness of time.
I have known four men who have had mid-life affairs. The only one who ever regretted it as far as I can see was the one who had the crap beaten out of him by his girlfriend's husband.
Mine regretted it. When he was sad and lonely and no one would speak to him (his words)
But it was too late for me. The hurt was too deep.
Luckily he was able to take up with OW “again” as she was apparently the only person who’d give him the time of day (again, his words)
Should be satisfying. But just depressing. A family destroyed for that.
Guy I worked with who bitterly regretted it. The v young girlfriend swindled him out of a house (overseas) after he told his wife of 30 years that he was leaving her and moving to live in said house with girlfriend . Ex wife took him to the cleaners, he’s been left with nothing and his kids arent talking to him.
Yes, my friend's Dad left his wife of 20 years for a woman 20 years younger. He said he regretted it every day once he had gotten to know the ow properly.
Same story for a couple of family friends.
I've been wondering this for a while. From the examples above it seems they might sometimes regret it because of what they lost (money, kids etc) but not because of any moral sensibility or a sense that they have really erred. More just like a child who is disappointed because they have broken a favourite toy.
DH’s friend doesn’t regret it, says they are soul mates bleugh. I was kind of hoping it would go wrong as it was such a cliche and he really hurt his ex but it’s been about 10 years now.
I agree @rhubarbtea; mine seems to be sad because it’s been crap for him... no clue the devastation he’s wreaked for us.
It’s also been fuelled because I’ve now met someone else..... 🙄
Interesting responses - keep them coming. I’m asking because my ex who had a classic midlife ‘event’ when he was knocking on the door of the BIG 5-0 seems to have moved from the initial smugness to appearing just a tad pitiful and needy.
Dh has met a few v successful late 40s men at his sport who have dumped wives their own age for early 30 something women. Who all want babies (no shit) much to the reluctance of the men. So they are back in the world of sleepless nights and nappies as their ex wives have nice cinema trips with teens and get their lives back.
My dh did (not whilst married to me and I'm not the OW).
He hasn't got over the hurt he caused. He is a very sad man (and not for himself).
No - they regret getting caught and possibly losing comfort zone of the family home, with Wifey in the nest making sure all runs smoothly.
Or they regret it if the OW they ran off with fleeces them, or does something inconvenient like wanting a baby.
Their sadness is for themselves if the new life isn't as shiny as they expected it to be
& Some men are just bored and have fallen out of love with their wife. Time to trade her in for a new younger and firmer-bodied model.
My dad married the OW, no regrets they've been happily together for 22 years now. now that he's getting on him years he talks about them as if it were the Greatest Love Story of all time. Errrr no..
Men can be entirely ruthless in pursuit of who and what they want, whilst women sit there and ponder. I guess some would hope these men would regret it but in reality that's certainly not always the case
My research also seems to suggest that in these cases, although the OW may be younger, men tend to ‘affair down’ - i.e take up with someone generally less attractive, intelligent, talented etc etc. What do we think about that?
I love the nappies v nice cinema trips with teens comparison - brought a smile to my face.
My research also seems to suggest that in these cases, although the OW may be younger, men tend to ‘affair down’ - i.e take up with someone generally less attractive, intelligent, talented etc
She's younger - that's all that matters. I suppose less intelligent =. less demands of him. Doesn't trump youth tho
For a short while maybe. However, younger often means young kids of her own (or a desire for one/some!) - at a time when the bloke has long since forgotten the gutty side of parenting little people.
My research also seems to suggest that in these cases, although the OW may be younger, men tend to ‘affair down’ - i.e take up with someone generally less attractive, intelligent, talented etc etc. What
do we think about that?
Oh yes. My charming exH said the girl he cheated on me with was stupid. Which he said made him feel clever. When we were together he had a chip on his shoulder because I have a degree and he didn't have O Levels and he often told me resentfully that I was smarter than him. Like it was some kind of competition . Anyway, to join the cliche, she's 20 years younger than him and their baby was born last month. Mid life crisis bingo anyone?
Frankly I don't care if my ExW is having a bad time of it. She cheated....she can deal with the consiquences. BTW it's not only men who have a midlife crisis!!!!
Yes, sorry. I did consider saying ‘people’ rather than ‘men’ in my original question as I am also aware (from my research) that women can experience similar.
As with most things, there are facts and statistics around this ‘phenomenon’ and, for whatever reason, and the data does lean towards ‘affairing down’. Sorry to apply my ‘geekiness’ to this discussion. 😂
I ended my marriage because I knew I would end up having an affair otherwise (I'm a woman). I only wish I had spoken up sooner, when maybe marriage counselling could have helped, when as it was, it was too late. When you are talking about someone who has an affair, you are talking about someone who values their own desires over respect for their spouse. You are talking about someone who is willing to lie time and again to their spouse.
Is it any wonder that these people only regret what impacts themselves, rather than regretting the hurt they have caused to others?
I think they regret getting caught and that their home life has changed. I wonder do they regret hurting the spouse or the kids though? I doubt it.
I don't know any men who had a mid life crisis affair. I do, however, know three women who did. Two regret it bitterly but their husbands both moved on and have happy lives. The third is with their other man and actually are very well suited although while people don't like the way they got together. But she's had to have shit loads of counselling because for a long time she had this niggle in her head "if he was prepared to sleep with me when I was still married (he was single) might he not do it again to me?"
My friend's DH ran off with another married woman, she is super- controlling and was determined to have him. It is fairly obvious now that they are married that he is frightened of her. Thst would be fine but my friend's DC are frightened of her as well and are forced to play happy families every second weekend. At least three lives fucked because DH couldn't keep his dick in his pants.
Friend is very happy with new man, tho worried about her DC.
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