I can’t accept my partners vasectomy which he had before he met me.

(79 Posts)
Emmeline2 Mon 08-Oct-18 12:44:27

My partner has two children to a previous relationship. I have no children but I really want to have my own child. (I’m 31, he’s 36. We have been together 3 years. He wants children with me)

Before my partner and i started our relationship, he told me he had previously had a vasectomy but would be able to get it reversed. I wasn’t happy with this and told him that I didn’t want to get into a relationship with someone who had a vasectomy as it was very important to me to have my own child one day. He told me that if I wanted a child so much then i would be better off with him anyway because ‘at least i know he has been able to have children’. Naively in lust at the time, i began the relationship, fell in love with him, and fell in love with his kids.

He had his vasectomy reversal a year ago. We have recently discovered that his reversal did not work. Our only option would be to have IVF with ICSI, which is obviously very expensive. We have decided to not go on holiday etc for some time in order to fund this. Which I really do appreciate him doing. And he says that we will have two shots at treatment and then if it doesn’t work we will need to get back to our life as it is just now as it isn’t fair to his children to suffer and miss out on holidays etc because of us paying for treatment.

My problem is, i had (naively) not imagined us being in this predicament. I’m not sure i can get over the fact that I might never have a baby because he previously had himself sterilised so that he could have unprotected sex with his ex wife. I could deal with infertility if it was due to natural causes. But I really can’t accept the fact that I might never have a baby for this reason. I know I’ve been stupid by getting myself into this situation.

I also feel like i am now resenting him and i am snapping at him because i feel so angry, which really isn’t fair on him. I just feel so lost and devastated. My current behaviour isn’t fair on him and I’m worried that we spend all this time saving and if the treatment doesn’t work i know I’ll be unbearable for him because I don’t think i could cope with a decision he made in his past which could take away the one thing i want in my future. I know I’m being selfish unreasonable but how do i get these feelings out my head when they are so strong. I love him so much but at the same time I’m being a terrible partner by having these dark feelings of anger.

OP’s posts: |
SpottingTheZebras Mon 08-Oct-18 12:46:37

From an outsider’s point of view, I would say you have your two attempts and (if they don’t work) go for counselling. If you still feel the same way, then you need to walk away from the relationship or look at another way to have the children you want (sperm donor etc).

Trinity66 Mon 08-Oct-18 12:48:31

I’m not sure i can get over the fact that I might never have a baby because he previously had himself sterilised so that he could have unprotected sex with his ex wife

Why does this reason annoy you? Clearly when he got married and had children with his ex he thought that was it for him?

Talith Mon 08-Oct-18 12:52:11

The odds aren't great for reversals so best of luck. After two tries at ICSI you'd definitely be wise yourself to reassess the situation. At your age you can't hang about indefinitely waiting to get pregnant if it's important to you. Biology is a cow and it's not fair but realistically you've a ten year window to have the best chances at conceiving. You're certainly not stupid! You fell in love and you are both wanting kids together so I hope it happens for you.

lunar1 Mon 08-Oct-18 12:52:49

He can't do much more can he, he's had the reversal, he's now going to stop holidays with his children for I imagine a significant number of years. He has to put some kind of honest limit on how long he will do that for.

He is literally doing everything he can, you need to decide if it's enough for you before you spend thousands on fertility treatments.

bluebird3 Mon 08-Oct-18 12:55:00

I'm sorry, this is a crap position to be in. I would try ivf and then if that fails you can either leave and find someone who can have children, or stay and use a sperm donor to have the children you want. That could still be expensive but if he's not willing to support you then that makes walking away a clearer choice. I wouldn't stay and not have children unless you feel at peace with that choice otherwise you'll end up feeling resentful and the relationship will crumble anyways.

stellabird Mon 08-Oct-18 12:55:13

I can understand how you feel - even though it is certainly unreasonable to be angry with him over this.

If you are happy together, maybe you need to sit down and look at the alternatives. If the IVF with ICSI doesn't work, you could also look at insemination with donor sperm. Or look at adoption. You do have options but only you know how you feel about them. Good luck.

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user1492863869 Mon 08-Oct-18 12:58:13

I have got to say your resentment is unwarranted but I think you realise this. Its understandable that you find the situation unfair but it’s nobodys fault. Sure both of you could have made different decisions along the way but you didn’t. You need to come to terms with that. If you can’t then it will destroy you and your marriage.

Have you considered sperm donation? Clearly you have demonstrated to him that parental love is contingent on biology.

Go for the ivf but agree to try sperm donation if it fails.

OakElmAsh Mon 08-Oct-18 12:58:21

I don't think you're being very fair to him, which I'm sure you know - he was honest from the start, and has done all he can to make the situation better

I would think starting counselling now would be a good idea (ie not waiting for the isci attempts) - work through your feelings before & during that process might make it a bit less painful if its not a good outcome

greendale17 Mon 08-Oct-18 13:01:04

*I’m not sure i can get over the fact that I might never have a baby because he previously had himself sterilised so that he could have unprotected sex with his ex wife*

^That statement makes you sound neurotic.

NotTheFordType Mon 08-Oct-18 13:04:37

I also think counselling would be a good idea, but maybe just on your own at first. It sounds like there are things you want to say and work through that would maybe be unnecessarily hurtful for him to hear.

It's a shit situation OP, I'm sorry.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Mon 08-Oct-18 13:04:45

I think if you love him and he’s a good dad then just concentrate on the ICSI for now. Get a loan if you can or whatever you need to do to make it happen ASAP.

Don’t waste your energy dwelling on the possibility that this pregnancy might not happen. Don’t forget, rates of success of ICSI are hugely influenced by people who have serious fertility problems. As far as you know neither of you have any fertility problems that can’t be easily overcome, it’s just a matter of sticking the sperm and the egg together, so you’re likely to have a pretty good chance. Maybe even a few children if that’s what you both want.

MyOtherProfile Mon 08-Oct-18 13:08:04

Give it a go. Try it and see.

Bluntness100 Mon 08-Oct-18 13:11:23

I’m not sure i can get over the fact that I might never have a baby because he previously had himself sterilised so that he could have unprotected sex with his ex wife

This is such an unreasonable thought process. It islike you actually think he was selfish and should have predicted his marriage would end and he would meet someone and agree to have kids one day. It's one of rhe most selfish thought processes I've seen written on here.

The bottom line sadly is even if his reversal did work, even if you were with someone else, there is no guarantees you would fall pregnant.

If you can't get past this, then you may need to leave the relationship, becayse as you rightly say it's not fair on him.

Roomba Mon 08-Oct-18 13:12:06

It sounds very hard for you. I'm not in your shoes so perhaps I'm clueless, but I would view him having the vasectomy as a sign that he is a decent bloke who takes his responsibilities seriously, if that makes any sense? He married intending it to last for life and took it seriously (not saying most people don't, buyt I've genuinely spoken to guys who've refused vasectomies just in case their marriage ends in future). He didn't take his marriage lightly and tried to be reliable and responsible, which reflects well on his character, iyswim. He did it for the right reason at the time but now circumstances have changed. I would try not to aim my anger and disappointment (at the situation) at him (as a person).

Wishing you luck with it all and agree counselling would help enormously however things go in future.

Hopoindown31 Mon 08-Oct-18 13:13:40

I agree with PP that your resentment isn't helpful here and saying some of the things regarding his reasons for having a vasectomy to him would bw very hurtful.

However when you discussed this did he indicate that a reversal was easy and possible or that it was a long shot but worth a try? If the former, then that is quite misleading as I'm sure, if he had the process on the NHS, then he will have been told that he needs to regard the process as irreversable and that reversal operations have very low success rates.

Sunshineandflipflops Mon 08-Oct-18 13:14:49

My husband had a vasectomy about 3 years ago. I then discovered 10 months ago that he was having an affair. I left him and he is still with the OW, who is 12 years our junior (we are 40, she is 28).
We have 2 children together and decided we didn't want any more and that after taking care of contraception for the whole of our relationship, it was his turn.
I assume at that point he didn't think that our marriage would end, or that he would find himself with a 28 year old who has no children. I have no idea if she wants children or not but even if my ex could get a reversal, the reason he had a vasectomy was because neither of us wanted any more children. Not just with each other but at all.
I do wonder if she feels or might feel the same way as you at some point but unfortunately that's a consequence of starting a relationship with someone who has had a vasectomy.

Didiusfalco Mon 08-Oct-18 13:16:04

Everything I’m getting from your posts suggest that for you not having a baby is a dealbreaker. I think I would be doing some soul searching about whether to walk away. It’s not that your bf has done anything wrong or been unreasonable but it’s okay for this relationship not to work for you in these circumstances.

CantankerousCamel Mon 08-Oct-18 13:19:20

Just find some other sperm and raise the kid together.

IVF is hideous.

FerryLaugh7 Mon 08-Oct-18 13:25:22

It seems you went into this knowing that he had a vasectomy. You and he are now going through some sort of physical, emotional and financial pain. Children are not guaranteed, even with no vasectomy. I guess people can change their minds, so relationships are not black and white.

Ellisandra Mon 08-Oct-18 13:25:27

I didn’t find IVF hideous at all.
Far less hideous than the prospect of not being able to do anything to increase our chances of having a child.

OP, whilst I can see that he doesn’t want to cancel all holidays forever with his children, honestly - he doesn’t sound that committed to having a child. Who decided it’s 2 goes only for you? Why not another year of no holiday, or a cheaper holiday, and a 3rd try? Work out what YOU want to do - it’s a joint decision, not only his.

loopylass13 Mon 08-Oct-18 13:27:53

Just to add - would advise to get married (so partner is the legal father) and use a sperm donor, tons of Facebook pages devoted to this.

Cattenberg Mon 08-Oct-18 13:31:54

At your age, you might be eligible for egg-sharing which would reduce the costs of IVF enormously. Of course, that's a big decision with long-term implications and is definitely not for everyone?

Snowymountainsalways Mon 08-Oct-18 13:33:56

I can completely understand why this is so difficult for you, and why you are struggling with it. You both thought it would be a simple reversal procedure and it is anything but.

It would irritate me that he was even talking about holidays when you are suffering so much. This must be very hurtful that he is talking about kids holidays and you can't even have a baby. What was he thinking!

Dp has tried his best to fix this, but in all fairness this may not be enough for you. You need some time to decide whether you can live with it if the IVF doesn't work. Having a baby may be a dealbreaker, and you may need to look for a sperm donor (would your dp be able to cope with this?) or whether you simply need to walk away and find someone else.

You are still young, so you have time. I hope you find a solution and you have your much wanted baby.

Savvyblonde Mon 08-Oct-18 13:42:02

I completely get your resentment towards him. My DH had a twisted scrotum and a testical removed as a teenager. From the start of our relationship he was confident all would be fine as the doctor had said there would be no problems. We eventually conceived our DD, after 2 years but have not managed any more. It ate away at me and I was very angry at him about it for at least 8 years, until I was too old to keep trying. Babies were a deal breaker for me, if we hadn't had DD I would have had to walk away as the resentment towards DH would have broken us up anyway.

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