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I think my relationship is over(50 Posts)
We have been together for 27 years and have three dc. I have fairly solid evidence of ow. He has been messaging her a lot. He says they are just friends I have recently managed to read his Facebook messages and although they stop af around two months ago I know he has still been I contact with her. He told me tonight that we have never been happy and because I have threatened to leave him in the past. I do wonder if this is because I have found out. He has met up with ow for walks, (he says just the once but I'm not convinced}. It's clear the trust between us has completely gone. I don't know what to do, I'm utterly beside myself.
He won't go. He keeps trying to minimise what he's done because he said i wasn't interested. He keeps trying to make it my fault. He said that I have argued with hi,m so much over the years and made him feel bad about himself. I'm so sad, I just want him to leave me at least for a while.
Omg. It’s all about him as the victim isn’t it. Tell him no. Be firm. He is out. How dare he open a bank account with another woman and you find out in the night. OP we are here to support you
OP. Hang on in there. There is life without a man who doesn’t love or respect you. A better life
I hope so. I still love him. I don't know why it's come to this.
Good! Well done you, even if you don't feel that at the moment
I know you probably feel like shit atm , but I promise you that feeling wont last forever . You deserve better .
I just feel full of self doubt. We have been together so long. I can't see how we can come back from this. I feel so alone.
Thank you all for responding. It has helped.
I've told them kids. They've been so matter of fact about it.
OP be gentle on yourself. You are in shock. Please just be gentle for now. You need time alone to get over the shock and start taking stock of what YOU want without this man clouding things with his mess.
Change the locks. Don't let him back.
Give it 3 months of not seeing him at all.
You'll feel very differently about him and see things much more clearly.
Bye bye twat.
I’m sorry to read this and for the loss of your mum, but you have done the right thing. Its horrible i know, you’ll be feeling bereft with your future uncertain but it does get better. You can control your own destiny now whilst scary will feel liberating in time. You will be happy again. Let your friends help you.
I felt utterly devastated at end of my marriage but gradually you get stronger. Take it slowly, be kind to yourself. You need to heal.
Mumsnetters are here for you xx
I'm so sorry for you. Take care. Things will get better. You'll look back at this post one day and you'll be so glad that what is done is done and that you're in a much better place.
I'm just checking in. Still here, still surviving. I'm still struggling with the shock of it all. The worst part is, I have no answers from him and no notion of what his plans are. I went out for the day with my brother yesterday and came back late. I left the kids alone, the older two are teenagers, my DD is 17 and she made sure my youngest who is 11 was ok. He came to see them but he didn't stay long and just spent time with our youngest and went. The kids aren't asking about him, not really at all and it just seems as though he has checked out in every way. I don't get it. There is more to come isn't there? I still don't have the full truth yet do I? He always insisted they were friends and he said that she supported him in what he wanted to do in setting up a business. She now owns him. I still don't know what financial arrangements he has entered into with her. How could he lie and lie and make out it was all my fault?
Because it has to be all your fault, otherwise he'd feel guilty and that would take the shine off his wonderful new life. He may even actually believe this "haven't been happy for years, you're always having a go at him" narrative that he's told you and certainly OW - he told it to himself first to give himself permission to peel away. Imagine saying to a friend or family member that your partner had been good, loving, faithful and nice but you had run away with someone else anyway, because you fancied running a business with him/her. Would they be supportive? Unlikely He needs to tell, and believe, the story where you hadn't really been in a loving relationship for years. He doesn't want to be an arsehole
but is one.
Although it hurts that he went, it's just as well he's not still hanging around the house at this time, leaving you in a half relationship, the illusion of still being together but knowing he is somewhere else in his head. That's got to be absolute agony.
That was agony, that's what I was living for months. And then my mum died.I just didn't want to believe that he could do this. Weirdly my Mums death gave me the strength to tell him to go. I didn't see how I could feel any worse. I was crying all the time. Now I don't. I've been to a party with work and been to the gym and been out with my brother. I've just decided to live. I have to let the kids see me doing this. My mum has given me this strength I really believe that.
Ok, so it's been two weeks. During this time he has messaged me. It was tearing me up inside. He just acts like I should just pretend this never happened so we don't argue. Last week I went to see him. I just went round to see him at his mums. He said we needed some time apart because we kept arguing. I drove home and it was like he'd flipped a switch in me. I just felt like I didn't care anymore.
I have also found out other information about the woman involved. I know she is planning on leaving her husband and her family had suspicions that she was seeing another man for around a year. Last year I dug into his Facebook messenger and found that they had been out for walks together instigated by him. This additional information was actually beneficial to me as I now realised I wasn't going mad and he was checking out and emotionally rejecting me which was excruciating.
I phoned him at the weekend to tell him a few things about the children, and then I told him what I knew. Bearing in mind I have already discovered he has opened a bank account with her. I have blocked him on Facebook and told him he needs to text me with any arrangements for the children. He said we needed time apart and I told him that he couldn't message me anymore.
Well of course, he now phones me. He turned up at my workplace at the end of the day on Monday to give me a lift and he has been round this morning to make me a cup of tea. Letting himself in of course. What kind of head fuckery is this?! I've been such a doormat. He still thinks he is being reasonable. I am just realising that he knows how to mess with my head. He still insists him and this woman were just friends and are friends. Wtaf? I don't know how to deal with this. I feel like I'm being ambushed into taking him back when I am still working through my feelings. I'm trying so hard to keep it civil because of the kids.
Head fuckery is right, How dare he! ask for the key for a start, if he has any respect at all for you he will respect you need 'space' from him too and that includes knowing when he will turn up.
How are you feeling today ?
OP you have every right to be mad! What a horrible man! You’re better off without entirely!
You’re doing all the right things so just keep it up.
Do not let this man back into your life.
I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum grief is a horrible thing to have to go through alone without this knob job trying to fuck with your head!
I love how you said your Mum gave you the strength to ask him to leave. Anytime you think of letting him back ask yourself would your Mum be happy? Would would most certainly not be. I can relate as my ex decided to tell me of his unfaithfulness right at the same time my friend died. And I use him as my strength to live everyday and be happy. Because live is short and he was taken too soon.
I hope his and OW business goes dramatically tits up and her family and you and the kids sit back and laugh at them
I'm surprisingly ok. I have been going to the gym a lot and this has helped with my anxiety. I also don't have to worry about him because it's just me and the kids and we are just going about what we normally do. He hasn't been back in touch since. I'm just going to leave him to it. The whole thing is just so tragic it's laughable. I have always been quite an emotional, shy person but I feel just utter rage at the minute. I really have finished crying because he just isn't worth it. He's been so weak. It's like I don't know him at all.
I’m so glad you’re feeling a bit better. The only way is up from here
I've just gone back over the messages that we have sent each other. I realised that six days after my mum died he asked me if I had chased up the government business loan I had applied for and various other things. I can't believe how passive I've been. It's making me really upset to realise what a shit he is.
Bless you you have done well and you will be angry i remember the anger. But as each day passes you will get stronger. The gym is good for anxiety - nothing like working off anger on the rowing machine! You need to keep him away from you as its like picking a scab, seeing him brings it all back. Best wishes
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