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I think my relationship is over

(50 Posts)
welliesarefuntowear Sun 30-Sep-18 01:12:37

We have been together for 27 years and have three dc. I have fairly solid evidence of ow. He has been messaging her a lot. He says they are just friends I have recently managed to read his Facebook messages and although they stop af around two months ago I know he has still been I contact with her. He told me tonight that we have never been happy and because I have threatened to leave him in the past. I do wonder if this is because I have found out. He has met up with ow for walks, (he says just the once but I'm not convinced}. It's clear the trust between us has completely gone. I don't know what to do, I'm utterly beside myself.

MissConductUS Sun 30-Sep-18 01:30:25

Do you have children together? How hard would it be to separate? And why did you threaten to leave previously?

Sorry you're going through this. flowers

Villagelifer Sun 30-Sep-18 04:02:37

Geez what's wrong with these men? Met up for "walks"? Really?!
And now after 27 years he's figured out that you've never been happy - took him a while to figure it out!
I'm really sorry that you are going through this.

sofato5miles Sun 30-Sep-18 05:00:16

He is checking out. Listen to him. Rejection is awful. Look after you. Your relationship may survive but it may not but you need to take some control and ask yourself why you have threatened to leave before?

Aquamarine1029 Sun 30-Sep-18 05:07:52

What is your current situation? Do you work? How old are your children? Do you own your home?

earlybyrd Sun 30-Sep-18 05:10:15

He will have changed from messenger to Whets app - easier to get rid of the history.
Sorry you are going through this.

welliesarefuntowear Sun 30-Sep-18 09:05:51

I'm fairly sure he's using WhatsApp. He is a conflict avoider, has rejected me sexually for long periods in past. I didn't know whether he loved me. The irony is we seemed to be really happy recently. I may not respond quickly. I've hardly had any sleep. I appreciate the responses.

0rlaith Sun 30-Sep-18 09:08:54

I’m sorry but you are right it’s over.

You need to foucs now on sorting out the practical issues, for the sake of the children. Are you married and what’s your housing situation ? How old are you kids ? Do you both work ?

Do you have people in RL who will support you through this ?

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 03:45:25

I'm picking up on this thread because a lot has happened since I last posted. My mum died. I miss her. But the problem of this other woman has never gone away. I've realised now I've been putting my head in the sand. He's setting up a business with her. They've opened a joint account. I tried to help him with this but couldn't cope because of my grief. He said I never had any interest. It's amazing how he consistently turns it around on to me. I'm fairly sure it's over now. I can't trust him. I'm heartbroken. He says I didn't support him.

catinboots99 Thu 16-May-19 07:24:54

@MissConductUS "Do you have children together?

READ THE FIRST SENTENCE OF THE OP 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

beachyhead Thu 16-May-19 09:09:38

I think you need to protect yourself now and accept your marriage is over.
Setting up a business with someone you suspect is the ow is going to drive you to the edge. As you say, the trust has gone, so time to think about you.
Time to see a solicitor, particularly in relation to the financial side and any inheritance you may have received.
Do you have a friend who can support you through this?

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 09:19:40

I do have some good friends who are very supportive. I do work, although part time, I do 25 hours a week. He is self employed. I'm not sure for certain of course but she is a bit older than him and says they're friends. I feel she is utterly manipulative and he is just being an idiot because she is saying what he wants to hear. I mean, what kind of woman does this with a man who has a family? I feel utterly betrayed. He absolutely kept trying to turn it around to me. I have asked him to go to give me some space to think but I'm going to struggle to get him to leave.

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 09:20:52

We have a joint mortgage and my name is on the deeds but we are not married.

blackcat86 Thu 16-May-19 09:24:26

Dont fall for this poor man getting sneered in an evil OWs net OP. I mean we all know women (and men) that verge on predatory but he is making these choices, he is choosing to allow their relationship to progress, he is choosing to treat you poorly. Shift your focus and anger to him and hold him to account. She owes you nothing. He should be a faithful, committed and supportive spouse.

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 09:25:44

I know you're right.

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 09:27:36

I don't know how to get him to leave. I think he will make me feel guilty. I don't feel strong enough to get him to go.

foreverhanging Thu 16-May-19 09:47:39

Op your first post is from September 2018. I don't know how you've lived with it this far, my love. You need to end it for your own sanity, you can't live like this. This man is making a fool of you, and he knows it - I am sure he is a master manipulator who is able to cut you down with a few words since he has known you so long and knows your weak points. But now is the time to find your anger - he has treated you so shoddily, and you do not deserve it. Your lovely mum would want better for you. I want better for you. I am sure the whole of MN would want better for you. But you have to be the one to put in the work.

It is shit. It will be shit. But it won't always be shit.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 16-May-19 10:05:14

I don't know how to get him to leave

You tell him to.
You tell him you're done.
You tell him to fuck off with the OW.
You tell your kids.
You tell everyone in real life.

Yes, it's shit. And really sorry about your Mum. But you can do this. You deserve better than this. flowers

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 10:41:26

I've texted him and told him I need some time apart. He's at work and it's my day off today. I'm so tired, I barely slept. The only reason I found out is because I looked in his wallet and found the bank cards for both of them. I came down stairs last night because I couldn't sleep.

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 10:42:15

I'm starting to feel really angry

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 16-May-19 10:46:31

You have every right to be fucking furious!!! What kind of man sets up a bank account with another woman!?!?!

Use your anger. Pack him a bag/throw his stuff into a bin liner and leave it outside for him to collect.

And yes, don't fall for the 'she's manipulative' line; totally bollox. He has gone into this with his eyes wide open. Time for you to get some control back and tell HIM to go. Instead of waiting around hoping it will sort itself out. Good luck; keep talking to us if it helps.

Bool Thu 16-May-19 11:17:30

Stop blaming the woman. Start blaming the man. Get the hell out.

necesitodormirahora Thu 16-May-19 11:20:18

Yes, you relationship is so clearly over. I’m sorry

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 11:26:08

I'm going to get my kids from school and college and go and see my dad. I've told him at this point I want him to collect his things and go. I just want to be happy. I know I can be. I love my job and I have really great friends. And my kids are amazing.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 16-May-19 12:45:45

Yes you can be happy; get through this shitstorm and enjoy life with your kids.

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 18:43:20

He won't go. He keeps trying to minimise what he's done because he said i wasn't interested. He keeps trying to make it my fault. He said that I have argued with hi,m so much over the years and made him feel bad about himself. I'm so sad, I just want him to leave me at least for a while.

Bool Thu 16-May-19 18:56:42

Omg. It’s all about him as the victim isn’t it. Tell him no. Be firm. He is out. How dare he open a bank account with another woman and you find out in the night. OP we are here to support you

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 19:03:40

He's gone

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 19:04:23

I'm utterly heartbroken

Bool Thu 16-May-19 19:17:48

OP. Hang on in there. There is life without a man who doesn’t love or respect you. A better life smile

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 19:18:52

I hope so. I still love him. I don't know why it's come to this.

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon Thu 16-May-19 19:19:04

Good! Well done you, even if you don't feel that at the moment

lonelyinacrowd39 Thu 16-May-19 19:26:47

I know you probably feel like shit atm , but I promise you that feeling wont last forever . You deserve better .

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 19:28:57

I just feel full of self doubt. We have been together so long. I can't see how we can come back from this. I feel so alone.

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 19:30:47

Thank you all for responding. It has helped.

welliesarefuntowear Thu 16-May-19 19:32:39

I've told them kids. They've been so matter of fact about it.

Bool Thu 16-May-19 22:09:12

OP be gentle on yourself. You are in shock. Please just be gentle for now. You need time alone to get over the shock and start taking stock of what YOU want without this man clouding things with his mess.

PicsInRed Thu 16-May-19 22:24:47

Change the locks. Don't let him back.
Give it 3 months of not seeing him at all.
You'll feel very differently about him and see things much more clearly.
Bye bye twat.

Lozzerbmc Thu 16-May-19 22:55:48

I’m sorry to read this and for the loss of your mum, but you have done the right thing. Its horrible i know, you’ll be feeling bereft with your future uncertain but it does get better. You can control your own destiny now whilst scary will feel liberating in time. You will be happy again. Let your friends help you.

I felt utterly devastated at end of my marriage but gradually you get stronger. Take it slowly, be kind to yourself. You need to heal.

Mumsnetters are here for you xx

Floydian Fri 17-May-19 03:15:17

I'm so sorry for you. Take care. Things will get better. You'll look back at this post one day and you'll be so glad that what is done is done and that you're in a much better place.

welliesarefuntowear Sun 26-May-19 20:33:07

I'm just checking in. Still here, still surviving. I'm still struggling with the shock of it all. The worst part is, I have no answers from him and no notion of what his plans are. I went out for the day with my brother yesterday and came back late. I left the kids alone, the older two are teenagers, my DD is 17 and she made sure my youngest who is 11 was ok. He came to see them but he didn't stay long and just spent time with our youngest and went. The kids aren't asking about him, not really at all and it just seems as though he has checked out in every way. I don't get it. There is more to come isn't there? I still don't have the full truth yet do I? He always insisted they were friends and he said that she supported him in what he wanted to do in setting up a business. She now owns him. I still don't know what financial arrangements he has entered into with her. How could he lie and lie and make out it was all my fault?

Anniegetyourgun Sun 26-May-19 20:55:30

Because it has to be all your fault, otherwise he'd feel guilty and that would take the shine off his wonderful new life. He may even actually believe this "haven't been happy for years, you're always having a go at him" narrative that he's told you and certainly OW - he told it to himself first to give himself permission to peel away. Imagine saying to a friend or family member that your partner had been good, loving, faithful and nice but you had run away with someone else anyway, because you fancied running a business with him/her. Would they be supportive? Unlikely hmm He needs to tell, and believe, the story where you hadn't really been in a loving relationship for years. He doesn't want to be an arsehole but is one.

Although it hurts that he went, it's just as well he's not still hanging around the house at this time, leaving you in a half relationship, the illusion of still being together but knowing he is somewhere else in his head. That's got to be absolute agony. flowers

welliesarefuntowear Sun 26-May-19 21:00:58

That was agony, that's what I was living for months. And then my mum died.I just didn't want to believe that he could do this. Weirdly my Mums death gave me the strength to tell him to go. I didn't see how I could feel any worse. I was crying all the time. Now I don't. I've been to a party with work and been to the gym and been out with my brother. I've just decided to live. I have to let the kids see me doing this. My mum has given me this strength I really believe that.

welliesarefuntowear Thu 06-Jun-19 08:21:53

Ok, so it's been two weeks. During this time he has messaged me. It was tearing me up inside. He just acts like I should just pretend this never happened so we don't argue. Last week I went to see him. I just went round to see him at his mums. He said we needed some time apart because we kept arguing. I drove home and it was like he'd flipped a switch in me. I just felt like I didn't care anymore.

I have also found out other information about the woman involved. I know she is planning on leaving her husband and her family had suspicions that she was seeing another man for around a year. Last year I dug into his Facebook messenger and found that they had been out for walks together instigated by him. This additional information was actually beneficial to me as I now realised I wasn't going mad and he was checking out and emotionally rejecting me which was excruciating.

I phoned him at the weekend to tell him a few things about the children, and then I told him what I knew. Bearing in mind I have already discovered he has opened a bank account with her. I have blocked him on Facebook and told him he needs to text me with any arrangements for the children. He said we needed time apart and I told him that he couldn't message me anymore.

Well of course, he now phones me. He turned up at my workplace at the end of the day on Monday to give me a lift and he has been round this morning to make me a cup of tea. Letting himself in of course. What kind of head fuckery is this?! I've been such a doormat. He still thinks he is being reasonable. I am just realising that he knows how to mess with my head. He still insists him and this woman were just friends and are friends. Wtaf? I don't know how to deal with this. I feel like I'm being ambushed into taking him back when I am still working through my feelings. I'm trying so hard to keep it civil because of the kids.

WantedAChatterbox Fri 07-Jun-19 06:10:43

Head fuckery is right, How dare he! ask for the key for a start, if he has any respect at all for you he will respect you need 'space' from him too and that includes knowing when he will turn up.
How are you feeling today ?

thegirlracer Fri 07-Jun-19 08:00:04

OP you have every right to be mad! What a horrible man! You’re better off without entirely!

You’re doing all the right things so just keep it up.

Do not let this man back into your life.

I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum flowers grief is a horrible thing to have to go through alone without this knob job trying to fuck with your head!

I love how you said your Mum gave you the strength to ask him to leave. Anytime you think of letting him back ask yourself would your Mum be happy? Would would most certainly not be. I can relate as my ex decided to tell me of his unfaithfulness right at the same time my friend died. And I use him as my strength to live everyday and be happy. Because live is short and he was taken too soon.

I hope his and OW business goes dramatically tits up and her family and you and the kids sit back and laugh at them grin

welliesarefuntowear Fri 07-Jun-19 11:18:12

I'm surprisingly ok. I have been going to the gym a lot and this has helped with my anxiety. I also don't have to worry about him because it's just me and the kids and we are just going about what we normally do. He hasn't been back in touch since. I'm just going to leave him to it. The whole thing is just so tragic it's laughable. I have always been quite an emotional, shy person but I feel just utter rage at the minute. I really have finished crying because he just isn't worth it. He's been so weak. It's like I don't know him at all.

thegirlracer Fri 07-Jun-19 11:47:08

I’m so glad you’re feeling a bit better. The only way is up from here smile

welliesarefuntowear Fri 07-Jun-19 17:22:29

I've just gone back over the messages that we have sent each other. I realised that six days after my mum died he asked me if I had chased up the government business loan I had applied for and various other things. I can't believe how passive I've been. It's making me really upset to realise what a shit he is.

Lozzerbmc Fri 07-Jun-19 17:59:58

Bless you you have done well and you will be angry i remember the anger. But as each day passes you will get stronger. The gym is good for anxiety - nothing like working off anger on the rowing machine! You need to keep him away from you as its like picking a scab, seeing him brings it all back. Best wishes

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