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Relationships

Boyfriend has a son he lied to me about

82 replies

Rachel516 · 25/09/2018 23:39

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we have a 4 month old son together. I have a girl he used to see on Facebook and for a while I’d been seeing pictures of her little boy and had a horrible gut feeling as he was the spitting imagine of my partner. My partners mother used to always say she hated the girl then all of a sudden she kept commenting on pictures of the little boy saying how cute he was and how much she loved him etc, I thought this was very strange so I asked him last November if the child was his and he compleatly denied it. For a very long time I questioned him on this and he kept telling me the child wasn’t his. There was a picture posted on Facebook of the boy and his sister commented on it referring to him as “family” as you can imagine my heart conplestly sunk and when I asked him he still denied it. Two months ago my mum had been at her friends house and had heard from her friend that he had another child and she came home and told me and he still denied it. I then messaged his mum asking if the child was his and she said she’s not 100% sure and sent me the messages between them from last August telling her she had a grandson and that he had known for 2 months and was trying to make the situation go away by blocking her on everything. She said in the message she was with two guys round about the same time and she thought it was her boyfriends child and when the boy was born she worked out the dates the hospital gave her and she seen no resemblance so took a DNA test and it turns out her boyfriend wasn’t the dad so there’s only one other person it could be. Since August his mum and sister have been meeting up with her and the little boy and been sending him birthday/Christmas cards. He eventually admitted to finding out last June and said he never told me cause he didn’t believe it. He is yet to do a DNA test and still doesn’t pay her CSA money despite multiple letters being sent to his house requesting he does a DNA test. I still love him and have no idea what our future holds. At the moment I’m so hurt about the lies, I’m so hurt he’s got another son and I’m so hurt my baby has a brother. I have absolutely no idea what to do and he’s clearly not going to deal with it. Im so hurt that absolutely everyone knew for so long and never told me. I’ve not spoken to the girl about this but I know her very well and have her on Facebook. I just want evidence that the little boy is his so that he can’t keep denying it. I know my baby is still so little but I want to do right by him. I just don’t know if anyone has any advice on what to do?

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dirtybadger · 25/09/2018 23:46

Will he be denying your baby is his next to get out of his responsibilities there too? The man you think you love is actively avoiding looking after his child!!

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dirtybadger · 25/09/2018 23:47

Also, refusing a DNA test is almost as good as admitting it. If he doesn't believe the kids his surely he is either a. Keen to find out or b. Keen to clear it up!!

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AdamHi · 25/09/2018 23:48

Personally, I made a lot of mistakes in life, but, I have always provided for my children, whether I was affluent or as poor as a church mouse. It is what proper parent do.

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Rachel516 · 25/09/2018 23:50

He won’t take a DNA test cause he knows fine well the child is his. My son has a brother and his dad won’t face up to it. I just brought it up to him again there and all I get back is “here we go again, whatever I’ll speak to you tomorrow”

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IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 25/09/2018 23:50

I still love him

You can turn that off. It’s ok not to love him in light of this. He’s been lying to you about a huge thing. That tells you he has no respect for you or your relationship. Love can’t exist without respect.

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SandyY2K · 26/09/2018 00:17

He's denied his child more times than Judas denied knowing Jesus.

I asked him last November if the child was his and he compleatly denied it.
Once

For a very long time I questioned him on this and he kept telling me the child wasn’t his.
Twice

I asked him he still denied it.

Three times

Two months ago my mum had been at her friends house and had heard from her friend that he had another child and she came home and told me and he still denied it

Four times

I still love him and have no idea what our future holds.

After all those lies and denials. I'd he can deny his own flesh and blood, he's capable of anything.

Trust is the foundation of a good relationship.

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ineedaholidaynow · 26/09/2018 00:28

Do you live together? Does he provide for your son?

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Rachel516 · 26/09/2018 00:30

I’m not joking when I say I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve asked him and he’s said the child wasn’t his. I can’t get over the fact everyone knew (including my friends) for so long and nobody said anything to me. The whole time I kept saying to myself if this child is his somebody would say something to me, clearly not

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Rachel516 · 26/09/2018 00:31

He was staying with me at my mums untill this all happened, I’ve just moved into my own place and he keeps saying he’s going to give me money each month but hasn’t

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MiddleClassProblem · 26/09/2018 00:35

You know her very well but never spoke to her about it? Confused

Anyway... blocking her... cracking dad... slow hand clap

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Rachel516 · 26/09/2018 00:39

I mean I know of her very well as in I used to go to the same school as her, here mum looked after me in nursery and they lived across from my grandparents. She’s never contacted me regarding this and she’s not deleted her Facebook so I have no way of speaking to her

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Rachel516 · 26/09/2018 00:40

I mean she’s now deleted her facebook

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catornot · 26/09/2018 00:44

Tbh I'd never be able to trust that he wouldn't do the same to your child or sleep at night in the same bed as a man who refuses to pay maintenance towards his offspring or be a present parent in their lives.

This is what your partner is not only capable of, but actively doing. Plus if he can repeatedly lie about that - I'm sure he can also repeatedly lie about being faithful, loving you, loving your child, and everything else that comes out of his mouth.

Move on OP, any woman and child deserves better

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Rachel516 · 26/09/2018 01:00

I just honestly don’t know what to do. Although my son is so little now he deserves to know he has a brother. Do I wait and tell him when he’s 5/16/18. His dad clearly isn’t going to say anything to him, I just have no idea what to do. She’s never contacted me regarding this situation and I have no way of speaking to her.

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littlemisscomper · 26/09/2018 01:01

He sounds like a waste of oxygen.

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Rachel516 · 26/09/2018 01:02

You’ve got that right

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AcrossthePond55 · 26/09/2018 01:07

Does the other child's mother know about you and your baby? Frankly, I'd wave that waste of space who calls himself a man goodbye and I'd try to contact the other mother to see if she would like your two children to have a relationship and see what the best way to facilitate it would be.

Then I'd contact CMS about maintenance.

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Rachel516 · 26/09/2018 01:11

Yes she knows about us, his mother and sister have a relationship with her and the little boy. I don’t have her on Facebook anymore and don’t have her number

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Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2018 01:22

Denying and ignoring your own child is reprehensible. This alone tells you all you need to know about your partner.

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Thighofrelief · 26/09/2018 01:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rachel516 · 26/09/2018 01:45

I would like my son to have a relationship with his brother but I can’t force anything upon her. She wants the dad to be involved and has tried on multiple occasions to contact him and he clearly isn’t interested. I’ve spoken to his mum since this all came out and she told me the girl has nothing to hide and can tell her son who his dad is and that she’s tried and that he has a brother. His mum met up with her and told her I’d found out and that I was going to phone her and she said I should of but now I have no way of contacting her

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Junglefowl · 26/09/2018 01:59

Does your boyfriend’s mum have her number?
Your boyfriend sounds very immature; have his mum and sister not insisted too that he does the right thing and supports his son?

You sound so mature in comparison and I hope you can even have a good relationship with the ex girlfriend and your sons sibling

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Thighofrelief · 26/09/2018 02:06

OP - if you do contact the girl your bf will likely end his relationship with you.

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florenceheadache · 26/09/2018 02:09

You could do DNA testing between the two boys, it will prove if they are brothers. I’d join with his mother and sister and embrace your expanded family.
As for the bf, best move on. Don’t count on his support or interest long term.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 26/09/2018 02:12

You should both do a CMS claim. At the very least he'll possibly stop there with the children he doesn't support.

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