I have fallen out of love with DH- Can you fall back in love? How?

[oflow]

Just that really. I am sad to find myself in this position. I feel that my marriage is over, for me, not for him. Is there ever a way back?

Early 30s and married, one DC, under 1. We were so in love. Ive had doubts for a couple of years but it feels like it's over for me. I so want us to be a family unit but I don't love him romantically.

The thing is, the things which have contributed to me falling out of love have always been there I think. I was in my early 20's when we met and I had different expectations then of relationships.I worked long hours and I think I missed some things.

When I've tried raising the issues which I'm unhappy with, he either gets defensive or agrees and things improve then a few months later it's the same as before. Issues: doesnt pull weight with housework, lack of communication and emotional support (he is away lots with work so v important), with sex no focus on me.

I keep telling him I am unhappy with things but it just leada to rows.

He is a well-liked man and friends and family love him. He is not abusive. I just ferl like romance is dead and I dont want to be in a relationship where I have to remind the other person of my needs.

He is a brilliant dad and DC adores him.

[Ilovebolly]

I’m in a similar position although my dc are a bit older than yours. You won’t want to hear this but I’m seeing a solicitor in a couple of weeks and the telling H I want us to separate. I think it’s hard to get the spark back once it’s gone. Although in my case I’m not sure it was ever really there 😟. Good luck and I hope you manage to work things out!

[Isawthesign]

I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to remind the other person of my needs.

It really would be amazing to find such a relationship, wouldn't it?

Best of luck, OP. I really don't know what to say. Thankfully your H is a brilliant Dad.

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

Maybe suggest marriage counselling if he refuses to acknowledge your concerns when you have tried to discuss it with him before?

I have been in your situation and realised I no longer loved my dh a couple of years before I had the guts to end it, even though I raised concerns during this time he dismissed them all and we plodded on, both miserable.
For me, once the love had gone I knew there was no going back. Ending it was the scariest, hardest conversation but ultimately we have been separated 18 months and life is good. Dc are well adjusted and the sky hasn't fallen in.
Marriages end, people fall out of love. Yes it's sad, but you only have one life and as long as the kids are a priority you will find a whole new life ready and waiting for you. Believe me, you will be fine

[oflow]

Thank you for your replies.

A big part of it is that I'm always carrying the mental load and being Mrs Mop. He does diy but only cleans if asked. I've only recently got him mostly putting his dirty clothes in the badket rather than on the floor and I still have to remind him. I think back at the start I was so into him that I overlooked these things. MIL has always run atound after him, I noticed yeaes ago but didn't realise he would sybconsciously think it was my job to do same. He says he dosn't expect me to carry mental load/clean etc but if I didn't, he wouldn't do it He was a nice, reliable man after beingwith a series of bastards/players/violent men. But I just feel like we are not compatible. If I try to address things it never helps. I suggested marriage counselling but he said he wouldn't. He struggles to talk about emotions.

[oflow]

Good luck ilovebolly, it musy be so hatd.

[lifebegins50]

I think the lack of communication and emotional support leads to a lack of real intimacy which then causes the household issues to be focussed on.

Most relationships work well in the early years but start to fail when intimacy doesn't grow. I suspect his model of marriage is different to yours. Look up John Gottman, you might not be able to fix it but could help you to determine what has caused the differences.
I would never encourage someone to walk from a non abusive marraige without first applying effort..divorce can be horrible and you need to know that you have done as much as you can before separating. This is especially true when you have a young baby as often it takes time to adjust to being a family.

Are you financially independent? Does he share childcare duties?

[RandomMess]

But him a copy of wifework and book joint counselling/therapy.

Tell him that you are thinking about divorce but want to give your marriage a chance.

The independence of a GOOD therapist may help him really listen and hear what you are saying.

[Echobelly]

I think sometimes these things are a bit of a cycle. Been married 11 years and there are times when I don't feel like I love DH very much and the negatives seem to overrule the love, and other times when I feel more loved up again (his love for me seems to be steadier than vice versa).

DH also says he'll work on something and doesn't. I am going to talk to him about communication and maybe getting some counselling on Skype as I feel we have fallen into some bad habits and need to relearn how to do it properly.

Good luck with everything OP - I don't think it's impossible that loving feelings can return.

[oflow]

Thanks lifebegins50.

No, I am financially dependent on him. He pays all bills and I receive a salary from his business. He is a high earner. I have no savings. We jointly own our house.

Something really traumatic with lasting affects happened to me this year and I have PTSD. It has really shown up how little intimacy there is for me, as he barely knows what to say to support me. I feel like out of everyone my DH shoild be my closest person but my mum and friends are much better.

He works away over half of month. When he is away, due to nature of hours and phone access, we speak little. He used to make more effort years ago but some of this is outside his control now.

I am a SAHM, I do all childcare. When he's home he helps but DC wants me really and DH always wants my help doing nappies etc since DC is mobile so I never get any break. I do all night wakings as DC is breastfed.

I looked up Gottman and I will look more this evening, thanks for tip.

[RandomMess]

Please start using bought in help to make time for you.

PTSD is very tricky so I'm not surprised your DH hasn't been great seeing as though the emotional distance was already there.

[oflow]

Thanks Randomess

I had a one off prifessional clean done of the house recently to give myself a break. DH said it was a waste of money we could spend on something else. It annoyed me. He has no concept of how much work is involved in running house and caring for baby. I never get any kind of break. We live in a large house with large garden too and when baby sleeps all I do is housework. DH will take 30 mins to do a job I can do in 5 mins and think he deserves a medal. I am getting really resentful of him (can you tell!) I just feel so disrespected. He thinks he does his share because he puts a wash on or unloads dishwasher.

Of course the lack of emotional support/intimacy and sex stuff is a bigger thing for me.

[BackInTheRoom]

I second John Gottman. He has done decades of research on relationships and it's a travesty that more people aren't aware of his work and relationships/marriages that are failing, could probably be saved.

[BrokenFlipflop]

I would resent him. It's ridiculous that a grown man can't do his share! Not being able to put a nappy on is pathetic.

I doubt he'll change and so the first thing I would do in your position is to employ a cleaner and a gardener. It'll give you more time to spend with your dc. There is no way id be looking after a dc and doing all of the cleaning etc without help.

Whilst employing people is not a solution to your problems your dh is not going to change from being a lazy twat to someone who actually gives a damn and simply gets on with things as and when they occur.

[BrokenFlipflop]

Have you spoken to amyone about the PTSD? Would a counsellor help?

[Ooglies]

Agree get help for your PTSD and look into Emotion focused marriage counselling

[prettywhiteguitar]

What the actual??? You have ptsd and a young baby, a large house and garden to keep clean and tidy and you get a cleaner in to help and he says it’s a waste of money ????

No wonder the love has gone, he has no concept of caring for you. My dh would have encouraged it not told me it was a waste of money

[RandomMess]

He needs to get real and very fast...

I am not surprised with that attitude that your love for him has vanished!

[Moffa]

This resonated with me. Similar situation here. Mentally going around in circles about whether to leave or not.

I have a cleaner & gardener but still do a million things every day looking after two pre school children, managing the house, laundry, animals & working part time. He is the worlds most useless father. He still makes comments like “spent all day drinking tea did you”.
I’m trying to work out the practicalities of leaving. I do love him but I cannot imagine being with him in 20 years once the kids have grown up.

So I’m following this thread for all the lovely MN-ers advice xx

[oflow]

Thanks all. I am seeing an NHS pyschologist, it's birth trauma. I have got permanent physical damage too which is upsetting. I average 5 hospital and GP appts/month and need multiple surgeries etc. It's had a huge impact on my day to day life and quality of life

Sorry to drip feed but DH thinks he might be depressed. I brought it up a few nonths ago as I thought he might be. We moved to be near my family, his family live hours away and close family are abroad. He doesn't really have friends locally as he is away over half of each month then when he's back he spends all his time with me and DC.

Basically everything is a big mess. I am not sure if I've married the wrong man. I used to love his conpany and he was my best friend. I used to miss him so much when he was away. I don't know if I've changed or I just see him differently/different things matter to me now I'm older and we have our baby.

I should add that he was great in my pregnancy and after DC's birth. We were in hospital for a long time. When we eventually came home he did everything, it made me love him more. He was indispensable in making the breastfeeding a success, it was very hard due to my physical injuries. He always comments that he thinks I'm a wonderful mother and he is so grateful and proud. I just feel like he has lost sight of our marriage

[Musti]

My ex is the same. He just paid the bills and everything else was my job. 4 kids, housework,cleaning, cooking, appointments etc and he'd just waltz in and out at will. Would be told it was my job. Didn't like it when I started working either and it was still my job because he earned the most.

[oflow]

Musti I understand this. My DH does all our bills and insurance etc but it's not the same as cleaning the loo, it's just direct debits for the most part.

DH does all the cooking and meals when he's home (not really clearing up after though). He is a great cook but it's dawned on me recently that he does this because cooking is his hobby and he loves it. This used to suit me as I found cooking a chore but now I'm getting back into it and like cooking for DC. He does all house maintenace, diy etc but he enjoys that too. I feel like I get all the drudgery jobs. He thinks he pulls his weight and diasgrees with me entirely

[Butterfly44]

Sounds just like my ex...all of it!! I was desperately unhappy and resented him so much. I struggled with the right thing because of the kids, but had to separate as I couldn't live like that. He was always away for work and by chance he got a job abroad where he now lives. I'm in a better place and kids haven't even noticed.

[oflow]

Thanks Butterlfy44 for sharing. It's brave of you to have done itand I'm glad it's worked out. I need to talk to him more about all of this but I think he will be very hurt.

Moffa I understand your position, sorry you are in it Has it crept up on yiu slowly too? My feelings have changed so much since I am at home not work and the trauna stuff, it's like it's exposed the flaws in our (2 year old) marriage

DH away at moment and I'm not actually speaking to him much, except for answering phone and outting him on speaker so he can chat or video DC.

It's really hard because I do want at least one more child or two but if we split I don't think I would meet someone else in time to do it with my age.

Also as he earns well I am able to stay at home with our baby which i love and am so grateful for. My friends have hated having to go back to work and putting their babies in nursery. If we stay together, I get to spend all this time at home with her.

[Rach182]

WIthout wanting to sound insentitive, I can see why your DH thinks he pulls his weight. He works full time, pays the bills and organises the financial admin, does the DIY and does the cooking (albeit he travels a lot so this isn't consistent). You look after DC full time, do the night shifts (maybe he needs to start helping with this as sleep is important), do the laundry, keep the house clean and tidy and keep things ticking over while he travels.

OP I think he does a lot and it might seem monumental to him if he's depressed. You just really need to put your foot down with the cleaner and demand it - say you have better things to do than spend all your spare time cleaning - or decide not to care about the cleaning enough to spend all your breaks on it. When I was on mat leave, we couldn't afford a cleaner, so I decided to turn a blind eye to the state of the house in favour of getting some rest.

Also, sorry about your PTSD, that really does complicate things. But all I would say is I would wait a bit and not make any drastic decisions while your DC is so young. I am convinced breasteeding has something to do with the hormones that make you hate your husband. I hated my husband all during mat leave, and even initially when I went back to work. Now my DS is two, I realise I no longer hate him and actually...dare I say it...like him! but it's been so gradual that I didn't notice it happen - I am convinced it's something to do with breastfeeding (and incidentally getting more sleep once I stopped feeding DS during the night). If I'd done what I wanted to do a year ago, there's no way we'd still be married.

[Rach182]

it's like it's exposed the flaws in our (2 year old) marriage

OP how long have you guys been together including marriage?