Husband doesn't speak to daughter directly

[bluebell2017]

Dd1 started uni a week ago. During this time, we have texted each other several times a day, and had a couple of phone calls. Her younger siblings have been talking to her through social media.
Today, dh asked if I had any "news" about dd1. I replied along the lines of "she seems to be enjoying herself. Why - haven't you spoken to her?".
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His response ran along the lines that I had very strange ideas about how families operate, and that it is pretty much my job to talk to the children and pass on their news to him and he didn't see the point of both us doing this "job". My response was that I thought it was normal for a father to drop a few texts to their daughter when it was their first real time away from home. But apparently I am wrong and "weird" according to him.
I tried to explain that I feel uncomfortable just passing on news about dd1 to him (and the other children, for that matter) when he could just as easily ask them things himself. To me, because his interaction with the children is minimal, it feels almost akin to gossip when I talk to him about things that have been doing. Maybe that is a strange way to feel?
Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts or advice? Children are 18, 13and 10, if that makes any difference. Dh thinks I turn the children against him, but I really don't think that's true.
He is currently sulking in the next room. May or may not be able to add more later, depending how the afternoon goes. Thanks.

[AwdBovril]

He seems to be doing a good job of turning the children against himself... that's an extremely odd attitude to have. Is he their biological father?

[rageymcrageface]

He sounds pretty awful! Your poor daughter.

[TwitterQueen1]

How have you remained married to such a stupid man for so long?

[Racecardriver]

Well if he doesn't even talk to them he's not really family is he? I talk to my father everysingle day. He'd be upset if I didn't because we have a nice close relationship.

[drquin]

How is this behaviour relative to his general relationship with the children?

I've got a fine relationship with both my parents ..... but mum tends to be the one who would be in touch for general chats / keeping in touch, dad would get in touch for a specific reason / question etc. And each would tell the other about their conversation with me. That's just a habit I guess they've formed. Don't think any one of us would class it as "gossiping", unless there was an explicit request to keep some info to ourselves. So with that knowledge, as a stand-alone question, I wouldn't be massively worried if my dad wasn't phoning for a chat.

But, if this is indicative of him thinking looking after kids is all your job, and doesn't interact much in their daily lives as it is, then it's more of a problem.

[incendio]

I find that really strange! I moved into my first home away from my parents this year and they both texted me separately to say good morning and see how I was getting on etc. And I still see them at least once a week which I suppose won't be the case with your DD if she's moved away for uni?

I would be upset if my dad didn't seem interested in keeping in touch with me.

[DrMorbius]

Sorry Op but he's a dick, stop trying to ice skate up hill. I (like most people) love my DC's and want to chat with them, not have canned updates given to me by a third party. One Dd is currently gap yearing in Aus, I chat with her more than when she was at uni.
You can't make him want to talk to his kids.

[Heratnumber7]

We have a family chat thread on FB messenger. Would that help? Whatsapp offeres the same facility if DCs too young for FB.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

That's my dad all over. And it hasn't alienated me at all. I phone and if he answers I get a how are you, I'll just get your mum. I can count the number of times he's phoned or messaged in on my hands - in 30 years. And that's usually because my mum has told him to. Mum gets the information/gossip and then passes it on in short for to dad. People have different levels of contact need. As long as I'm ok he's fine with that. Mum wants to know the details.

It the thinking you turn the children against him that jumps out at me. Does he say how?

[SweatyFretty]

Would a family group chat solve this?

He's weird, not you. My Dad's my best mate.

[PainSnail]

My dad has always done exactly this. Our relationship is very minimal...

[Waddsup12]

Never talked to my dad when I was at Uni. Mind you, my mum forgot it was my birthday just after I started. None of this everyday contact stuff.

Your DD will know her dad, it's up to them to sort their communication.

[youlethergo]

That is very strange. But why are you only noticing now?

[youlethergo]

I mean, obviously you're only noticing the contact issue now. But obviously your DH has not been seeing it as his 'job' to have a relationship with his DD for some time?

[OhDearGodLookAtThisMess]

His response ran along the lines that I had very strange ideas about how families operate, and that it is pretty much my job to talk to the children and pass on their news to him and he didn't see the point of both us doing this "job".

He's the one with the strange ideas. I wouldn't want my family "operating" his way.

[maras2]

Our kid's are in their 40's, married with their own kids.
Hardly a day goes by without DH as well as me sending the odd 'Y'all ok' type txt. Nothing intrusive but something that we started doing when they left home in their 20's.
Your DH is just weird.

[bluebell2017]

I don't think a group chat would work because he barely speaks to her when she is at home. Which is my fault, apparently.

In fact, he barely speaks to any of the children (all his, by the way). I doubt he could name any of their friends or teachers or anything like that.

He insists on lots of family meals, but generally sits through them in silence or possibly saying one thing which tends to be only tangentially related to the conversation. Say we are talking about our dogs... he might chirp in with something about another dog - something like "My mum used to have a dog, and it used to love swimming". Which tends to kill the conversation, to be honest. And in Ang case, that is his sole contribution to the conversation. Although he likes an opportunity to tell someone off about manners, for example. Although his own table manners leave a lot to be desired.

[OhDearGodLookAtThisMess]

And yes, a family WhatsApp might solve the logistics of you having to "keep him informed" (what does he think you are, his secretary?), but won't address the fact that he clearly thinks having a warm and close relationship with his kids is beneath him.

[weaving5688]

Isn’t it just an old fashioned rather than weird view? I talk to my mum more than my dad, because my dad is and always has been, less available due to being at work. Sometimes these routines carry on because people don’t rethink them.

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

Mine's the same. Didn't really interact with our daughter when she turned 12. Wanted me to facilitate things - he felt (still feels) unable to go into her bedroom to chat "incase she's doing private things". Which is why you knock on the door...pillock.

I warned him he had two years and that if he didn't have a relationship with her at 14 he'd lose her.

She's now 14 and doesn't ask him for anything.

I've warned him again - he has 2 years to fix it or he'll lose her entirely. He's spectrummy, I pointed out the stats - that girls with involved fathers do better than those without, boys too, of course.

It's up to him. It's his loss, she's fucking marvellous.

[vdbfamily]

I would say it was fairly normal. Even if I phone to speak to my dad now he will sometimes pass the phone to my mum before I even have a chance to say it is him I want to speak to. He would not have initiated a call to me ever unless he needed to know something from me. I would say we have a good relationship despite this. It may be a generalisation, and it may just be the men I know, but they tend to have 'to the point' phonecalls and then end the convo, whereas I can chat for an hour about very little. My DH/dad/brothers would never phone someone just for a chat.

[bluebell2017]

And I haven't only just noticed. It's just that we have just had a falling out about it and he us off on a sulk. Thing is, when someone says you have strange idras and are not "normal", sometimes you wonder who is wrong and who is right. My own family upbringing wasn't the happiest. I doubt dh's was, either, although he insists it was great. But his parents are the very formal type whereas mine were more easy-going and affectionate by comparison.

[Groovee]

Our Dd has moved to uni and we both text her daily. Chat in the group chat and keep each other up to date. Dh has always been a very hands on dad.

[bluebell2017]

And dh phones his parents and siblings just for a chat. And chats to his cycling pals a lot, from what i can tell, on whatsapp. But dd doesn't even get a "how are you getting on" text. Nothing.

[weaving5688]

Do think a family WhatsApp is a good idea - in this day and age it isn’t acceptable for a man to expect his wife to do all the comms to his own children.