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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Partner making decision for himself

133 replies

Petals23 · 23/09/2018 10:05

Hi all. I'm with my partner now two years, both around late 40s/50. I'd known him a number of years before we got together. Nether of us have been married or any children, live within walking distance of each other, owning our own homes.

A relative of his moved to a new estate one hour away. He has decided to follow suit, making a quick decision to sell up and buy here also, only telling me when he'd seen the house.

Do I have a right to feel upset?

OP posts:

Report

magoria · 23/09/2018 10:08

I would say he doesn't see you as a partner just a current girlfriend. Sorry.

You have the right to feel how you feel.

Perhaps it is time to reassess what this relationship really is.

Magik1 · 23/09/2018 10:15

When he told you about it, did he say why or give any reasons?

Petals23 · 23/09/2018 10:19

He's very close to this relative, he lived near my partner for a long time, he liked the area and the house where he's moved to. He knows I have my reservations. If we stay together it's not an area I would have chosen to live in, I also wouldn't like the commute to work. I feel like he'd rather be nearer him than me.

OP posts:

TeacupTattoo · 23/09/2018 10:26

That's a difficult one...I have to say if I wasn't living with anyone and could live near a relative I would....I'm biased though as have sadly already lost all my relatives. However, I would have discussed it with anybody I was in a serious relationship with to make sure they understood and were ok with it.

Johndoe10 · 23/09/2018 10:29

Petal I think he just sees you as his girlfriend rather than long term partner.

LastOneDancing · 23/09/2018 10:30

Does he think you'll make the journey to continue the relationship, while the relative wouldn't travel to him if he stayed put?

Whatever the reason, you certainly have a valid reason to feel upset.

ambostraw · 23/09/2018 10:30

So he sold his house and bought a new one, then told you?

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/09/2018 10:31

I would say he doesn't see you as a partner just a current girlfriend
This ^
A 'partner' would have discussed this with you beforehand

Petals23 · 23/09/2018 10:39

No, he told me he'd been to see the house earlier that day, put a deposit down the day after telling me, then put his own up for sale a couple of days later. He had no intention to move which is why I was so shocked. I like the area where we both have been living. I know it's only an hour away but I work long hours and won't be traveling during the week. He said he'll stay with me a few nights during the week as it's closer to his job in the city centre.

OP posts:

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/09/2018 10:41

He said he'll stay with me a few nights during the week as it's closer to his job in the city centre.

Well, that's very convenient for him isn't it?

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/09/2018 10:42

Oops bold went weird!

Nondescriptname · 23/09/2018 10:44

Did you tell him you were upset, after him seeing the house but before paying the deposit?
Are you happy that he will stay over a few nights a week or is that just something that suits him?

ambostraw · 23/09/2018 10:47

So he did talk to you about it? He just didn't include you?

He doesn't see you as a permanent part of his future.

He has every right to make his own decisions, it just means he is not as into the relationship as you. Perhaps he is trying to tell you something.

MrsMozart · 23/09/2018 10:47

Ouch!

Bollocks to him staying with you during the week so he's 'closer to his job'.

Even though not living together it's the sort of thing one discusses with one's OH!

I'd suggest you reconsider this relationship.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 23/09/2018 10:49

He obviously is not that serious about you, and clearly happy to use you/your house when its convenient for his work. So does that mean he has no intention of seeing you at weekends?

This guy has it all planned out for a cushy number with you, op.

TatianaLarina · 23/09/2018 10:51

Did he ask you if you actually wanted him to stay during the week?

I would make clear that’s not an option.

He’s clearly not serious about this relationship and sees himself as a single entity.

He’s done you a favour as you can now find someone who cares more about you.

Petals23 · 23/09/2018 10:51

Yes, I told him that evening I was afraid it would put distance between us, he said he didn't want that to happen either. He said if things work out between us in the future, who knows, I could end up living there also, but it's not somewhere I'd choose. I understand he's perfectly entitled to make his own decisions - we are both very independent. I can just see us continuing on as we are now, no permanent long term arrangement.

OP posts:

ambostraw · 23/09/2018 10:54

He said if things work out between us in the future, who knows, I could end up living there also,

He is just trying to pacify you.

TroysMammy · 23/09/2018 10:56

So your house is going to be his weekday digs. Is he going to contribute?

I had someone like that who lived with his mother but stayed with me on weekends. We never went or did anything as he was "too tired" and he didn't contribute. I was just a habit he had got into and I enabled. I was an absolute dullard looking back.

TatianaLarina · 23/09/2018 10:56

He doesn’t seem to understand how you do relationships OP.

If he wants you to consider whether you may move in together a hour away from your job the he has to ask you and involve you in the process.

If he really didn’t want the distance to happen then he didn’t have to make that decision.

You’ve been together two years having known him previously, that’s plenty of time to know if you potentially have a future together.

He just doesn’t want to commit to anything permanent.

dirtybadger · 23/09/2018 10:57

I would be pretty at this. It's also not fair he will just be using your place conveniently in the week (you would get better quality time fri-sun surely?)

Is the relative older? It makes sense if he is going to have caring responsibilities in the future, I guess (like it's his dad or uncle, etc.)

If not then it's a bit odd. I'm very close to a few of my relatives. I live about an hour away from 1 of them but still manage to see them at least once a month, usually more. The other relative lives very close. If they moved away (by only an hour) I wouldn't move away from my DP to live closer to them, seems weird.

He either thought this through or he's taking a bit of a gamble- putting a deposit down before his house was even on the market.

I agree with others that he probably doesn't see your relationship intensifying beyond how it is (ie no living together etc). That's fine if that's what you want too, a visit at the weekends and plenty of space during the week?

HollowTalk · 23/09/2018 10:59

He said he'll stay with me a few nights during the week as it's closer to his job in the city centre.

Oh no. No, no, no. He needs to feel the inconvenience of that move.

I think he's not factored you into his present life, never mind his future, OP. He doesn't see you as a team. I'd downgrade this relationship now - he's shown his true colours.

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Ruddygreattiger2016 · 23/09/2018 11:00

Saying he does not want to put distance between you is clearly what he IS doing, by moving an hour away!?
It is very obvious he is not bothered about a future with you, it all sounds very wishy washy from his point of view. Nothing wrong with being single minded in what he wants, but he sees nothing wrong in using you and your home as a convenience, surely that tells you all you need to know?

magoria · 23/09/2018 11:02

Is he going to pay you for the convenient lodgings or will you provide food, hot water, bedding etc?

He seems to have worked out how he benefits from everything.

Musti · 23/09/2018 11:04

I would finish it. You've been together two years and he pulls this stunt??

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