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Would you class this as cheating?

(71 Posts)
Lou343 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:00:57

A few years ago I found out that my DP had been messaging other women. There were quite a lot of women that he was messaging. We were going through a rough patch, not long had DS and had PND so was not really up to doing much or really talking with him properly.

He said that it was just for someone to talk to, he had never met them and he was really sorry it would never happen again.

Fast forward 5 years and I've just found out he's messaging women again, none of them seem to live close by and from the messages and it doesn't seem like he's met any of them. The messages range from him just having general chit chat to very sexual.

He doesn't really go out much anymore so I'm not sure when he would find time to physically cheat but would you class this as cheating too?

Just looking for some advice before I confront him!

Playgroundmedic Fri 14-Sep-18 06:39:44

Hi. No loving and committed husband would do this to their wife. It's as simple as that. This is not normal, nor acceptable, and you gave him a chance after the last time he did it. The writing's on the wall - leave him and all the best to you.

Dfalconer Fri 14-Sep-18 03:39:47

i dont normally comment on these things but this is some thing i am becoming passionate about - mens mental health and the molds that are forming young men needs to change. i have 5 boys and they have started behaving the way i used to and that was also part of the reason i had to change.
i also have a daughter and i couldnt live with myself if she grew up thinking this is how men behave and treat women.
a man on his own will not change - we are stubborn and blind to our own behaviors - you can either leave him because you really dont think its worth it and would be fine with some one else - or you can help him, like im sure you would help some one out of a car wreck.
but he needs to want to do this the most, if he doesnt then you cant do any thing for him.
if there was a goodness in him that you remember then remind him of that. let him know that is the side of him you want to see and that he is strong enough to change.

Dfalconer Fri 14-Sep-18 03:31:09

firstly im sorry you are going through this, its never a nice feeling and i know this because i have been that guy.
before i bore you with my life story i just want to know if you love him and if forgiveness is an option?
I have read most of the comments above and i see alot of pointing and blaming and yes hes a cheater and leave him hes a scumbag etc.
but im going to give you my experience because it may help or it may not.
i have and always will love my wife as my true soul mate but i hurt her, honestly if she was any other woman she would have left me, instead she pushed me to dig deep and find the cause.
some thing about my upbringing or life experiences left a bad template in me that allowed me to not be the best husband i could be. i grew with a strong hatred, maybe thats too strong, i found it hard to trust and care for girls i was around - women in general. my mind would almost portray a demonic version of any woman i would get close to. a part of me just want to get close to any girl that would show interest and then id just turn the other way.
i had friends who were girls, i didnt openly hate them i didnt hurt any physically.
its hard to explain the logic and the thoughts i had. to me women were horrible people who wanted to hurt me.
i would spend many hours picking up women online or via txt, i had no real sexual interest in them and thats why in my mind i wasnt being unfaithful.
it was a type of urge i couldnt explain and didnt feel i had to.
my wife caught me many times and i showed guilt because i knew it had hurt her but i couldnt understand why.
i wasnt doing some thing to hurt her or because she meant nothing to me. quite the opposite, the fact i wasnt doing the smae things to her made me think i really liked her (which i do of course - im just trying to explain that i wasnt trying to play the same game with her i was doing with other women)
any way i finally started to show other signs of mental health problems, i was becoming aggressive and behaviours were not acceptable for family life and i finally pushed myself to get help.
the problem has been i wouldnt have done this for just me, i needed some one who loved me to stand by me and help me do this.
i believe this is a very common issue with men, we dont seem to see women as people, and when we have the one we want we think that thats all that needs to be done and that we have won our prize.
i was suggested a book - no more mr nice guy. -its really helping me
have a look and you might suddenly see things in a different way. btw none of this is to say hes right or that you are to blame - its to see if there is enough love to save a relationship thats being torn apart unintentionally.
im learning that some ones actions dont always reflect who or what they are but some times its a symptom of what they were turned in to

please to any one who reads this, im not making excuses.
there are issues with men today and honestly we feel like we have no where to turn to.
i can break down and cry right now just thinking of my past even though my beautiful partner is still by my side. so many things in my past would paint me as a horrible heartless human being, but i wasnt i just wasnt able to be me, i was broken and didnt even know it.
just dont listen to most of these comments until you know for sure then kick his ass out.

please if you have questions ask me and ill do my best.
i think you need to poke a little deeper and see what his truth is.
he might not be "cheating" on you, he may just be a damaged human being and doesnt realise what he is doing to you.

thats my crappy response - i hope it all works out, let me know how it goes.

YouAlwaysTry Thu 13-Sep-18 21:14:13

Get rid of him Lou he sounds awful even without the messages!

Lou343 Thu 13-Sep-18 21:06:53

Yes that sounds about right, everything is always my fault. He's up late for work, my fault - roadworks on the way somewhere, my fault - he's lost something, my fault etc etc.

GuessTheFruit Thu 13-Sep-18 18:30:55

Classic deflection. Your fault for not giving him attention. Neatly makes it all your fault when he's in the wrong. Classic abuser technique I'm afraid.

Lou343 Thu 13-Sep-18 17:53:11

Thanks, @Chacha43 I've read up on what you suggested this afternoon. Think there actually might be more to it. A bit confused now!

On the cheating front, did a bit of digging today and I think it's more than messages.

Well if they want to use this thread for journalism then they could have at least come to me for the inside scoop on how much of a prick he has been. Sorry, if I don't laugh I may just cry today!!

VoiceOfCommonSense Thu 13-Sep-18 14:21:47

Yes they are always doing it. It’s like they have a deadline coming up and nothing to write so let’s have a look at mumsnet and post the most recent story without bothering to ask for the OP’s permission. It’s a sign of the times, most of them aren’t even real journalists, just wannabe bloggers. I’m really sorry for what you are going through also.

Adora10 Thu 13-Sep-18 13:46:07

FGS wise up OP and get rid, he's been cheating on you for five years, are you going to allow him to carry on another five; his blatant disrespect and lying is astounding, you let him off before, he probably thinks you will again, please don't, he's a dirty little creep.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 13-Sep-18 12:02:46

I suspect he will get annoyed at me suggesting he's doing something wrong again.

Fuck that. He's in the wrong here, not you. Don't let him turn it back on you. Go full metal jacket on him! I would have chucked his stuff out by now.

Trinity66 Thu 13-Sep-18 11:56:18

I would class that as cheating yeah

Thebluedog Thu 13-Sep-18 11:46:35

Yes it’s cheating and I’d not be able to live with someone who did this

Jenb2104 Thu 13-Sep-18 11:24:44

Of course it's cheating.

LizzieSiddal Thu 13-Sep-18 11:23:34

I meant the journos, not MNHQ!

LizzieSiddal Thu 13-Sep-18 11:23:05

Lou going on from Voice’s post, you can ask MNHQ to delete the thread if you aren’t happy about the press picking it up.
Lazy bastards!

Chacha43 Thu 13-Sep-18 10:36:51

Hi Lou343. I’m sorry to hear that you have found such upsetting texts on your husbands phone and you have had to deal with his aggressive defensiveness, not really fare on his behalf.
A few have already touched on the word gaslighting and I strongly encourage you to read up on this terminology as it does appear to be what has happened in the past and what has happened again in this instance when you addressed the problem. In a nutshell your husband is trying to turn the blame onto you, and that’s not fair. If you read up about it you will be better prepared for his defensive behaviour and be able to deflect. In doing so you will force him to acknowledge his own actions. I fear that this may be a more complicated matter than you perhaps realise, with his past behaviour clearly indicating there is an unhealthy pattern of behaviour forming. Does he spend a lot of time on computer? The question is where are the contact details coming from, be prepared to enter a rabbit hole, perhaps finding another side of your husband that you didn’t know existed. If I can remind you of one thing in these situations and that is his behaviour says more about him than it does about you.

Lou343 Thu 13-Sep-18 10:33:30

@VoiceOfCommonSense, oh dear really?! Surely anything is more interesting to write a piece on than this thread?

Lou343 Thu 13-Sep-18 10:29:37

Yes, I've been completely taken for a ride. Well I'm in a much better frame if mind now, so I'm going to sort this out.

Thanks for the replies

Racecardriver Thu 13-Sep-18 10:14:40

I wouldn't consider the infidelity. Wrong yes. A betrayal of sorts, definitely. But cheating is very serious in my eyes.

AnyFucker Thu 13-Sep-18 09:50:37

He's probably been doing the same thing for years and been playing me for a fool.

Yep

WitsEnding Thu 13-Sep-18 09:44:49

It doesn't matter whether it's classed as cheating - it's unacceptable behaviour, you've discussed it before and his reaction shows that he knows that. With that and his reaction plus withholding money you probably have grounds for divorce right there.

VoiceOfCommonSense Thu 13-Sep-18 09:34:06

This story has been picked up in Australia on Nine Honey website. More lazy “journalism”...

LizzieSiddal Thu 13-Sep-18 08:17:15

*meak

LizzieSiddal Thu 13-Sep-18 08:17:01

He's only going to look after himself from now on because no one gives a fuck about him

God he sounds about 6 years old.

He will carry on behaving like this until you became all meal, mild and apologise to him for accusing him of something he says he hasn’t done.

Do not play his game.

Tell him calmly that you saw the messages, tell him some of the phrases you read (if you can remember any). That he’s been found out again and you are not forgetting about it this time.

StopPOP Thu 13-Sep-18 08:16:37

What a twat. What are your plans now? Ignore him, ducks in a row

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