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Would you class this as cheating?

(71 Posts)
Lou343 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:00:57

A few years ago I found out that my DP had been messaging other women. There were quite a lot of women that he was messaging. We were going through a rough patch, not long had DS and had PND so was not really up to doing much or really talking with him properly.

He said that it was just for someone to talk to, he had never met them and he was really sorry it would never happen again.

Fast forward 5 years and I've just found out he's messaging women again, none of them seem to live close by and from the messages and it doesn't seem like he's met any of them. The messages range from him just having general chit chat to very sexual.

He doesn't really go out much anymore so I'm not sure when he would find time to physically cheat but would you class this as cheating too?

Just looking for some advice before I confront him!

Fannybaws52 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:08:30

Yes. He can have a hundred female friends but the moment the conversation turns sexual, that is cheating. If he wouldn't talk to another woman like that in front of you, it's inappropriate and depending on severity e.g. sexting, it's seeking sexual release out with the marriage/relationship and is cheating.

You can't trust him, he doesn't respect you or care how you feel. What are you getting out of this besides a dent to your self esteem?

Ohyesiam Wed 12-Sep-18 08:10:27

Yes, if he’s having sexual conversations with them he’s crossed a line. How could it not be cheating?
What’s his excuse going to be this time ?

DeadBod Wed 12-Sep-18 08:10:59

Yes, it's cheating. He knows how you feel from the first time but has gone on to disrespect you a second time.

bullyingadvice2017 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:11:52

Would be over for me. Don't make excuses and try to justify why when you were ill with pnd after bringing his baby into the world he was cheating. He should have been doing everything he could to support you and reassure you. He did the exact opposite. And to be doing it again now shows he learnt nothing. What a pig.

RParr Wed 12-Sep-18 08:12:12

I would absolutely class this as cheating. Sexual conversations and emotional affairs aren’t respectful of you or your relationship. I’m sorry you’re having to tackle this. It could be a good idea to try counseling as a couple, but with it being the second occasion I’d also be drifting towards leaving.

Monty27 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:12:23

He sounds like he is a cheat or at best a potential cheat to me.

ShatnersWig Wed 12-Sep-18 08:13:26

For fuck's sake, you need ADVICE???

He did it before, you found out about it, he said he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again and lo and behold it's happened again.

So, he's lied. You can't trust him. How can you have a relationship without trust? Do you really need to come onto a forum and ask for advice as to whether this is cheating? It doesn't matter what WE think! It only matters what YOU think and whether you want to stay with someone who has such little respect for you that he spend his time messaging other women.

TheObwaldhutte Wed 12-Sep-18 08:14:05

The fact that he did this when you had depression tells you all you need to know really OP. This guy does not have your back in any meaningful way.

NonaGrey Wed 12-Sep-18 08:14:49

Sexual conversations - yes I would absolutely class that as cheating.


TheObwaldhutte Wed 12-Sep-18 08:17:58

Meant to add, of course it's cheating.

ByeGermsByeWorries Wed 12-Sep-18 08:21:14

I would absolutely class this as cheating too.

OrgyOfBarminess Wed 12-Sep-18 08:24:24

I wonder how he'd view it if you were messaging other men sexual messages.

sparklepops123 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:27:24

Yes it's cheating, my exh did very similar to this inc sending dick pics. Could never trust him. Like I say he's now ex

Lou343 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:45:08

I should of mentioned the reason why I'm asking for advice is because the first time he made out that I was crazy even suggesting it was cheating. He said he hadn't done anything wrong he just needed some attention which I wasn't giving him.

I don't know what his reasons will be this time round but I suspect he will get annoyed at me suggesting he's doing something wrong again.

category12 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:50:07

It's a handy get-out card, pretend there's nothing wrong about something you do and get angry when challenged about it. We should all try it more - steal someone's stuff "oh it's not stealing, nobody cares about that, everyone does it - why the hell are you bugging me about it?!" I guess you should just STFU then.

Wait, no...

Sarahlou63 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:50:21

He will be annoyed??? Fuck how he feels! How do you feel?

PavlovaFaith Wed 12-Sep-18 08:51:54

So it's "give me more attention or I'll go and find it elsewhere"?


Monty27 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:57:28

Ltb. He doesn't deserve you. Well actually if you are prepared to put up with it that's down to you

sparklepops123 Wed 12-Sep-18 09:00:59

So how would he react if you did the same thing? He knows your view on it and still did it again, he doesn't respect you or your feelings

Funicorn Wed 12-Sep-18 09:16:00

Of course it is cheating . He is turning it on you . He's a knob .

DarkNightDelight Wed 12-Sep-18 09:22:10

An ex of mine from a few years ago did the same, caught him numerous times and even left him but he'd worn his way back in.
I did leave him and afterwards found out he had been meeting, sending videos of himself masturbating to these women and had other relationships behind my back. All over a 5 year period.

Messaging other women shows lack of respect for you and your relationship.


user1483387154 Wed 12-Sep-18 09:23:16

Definitely cheating

SpeedbirdFoxtrot Wed 12-Sep-18 09:30:49

Ah man, and he gaslighted you the first time to boot! It doesn’t sound like this is changeable behaviour. I’d find it quite difficult to move beyond this.

Oh @DarkNightDelight, that sounds awful! I had an ex who stored a file of pictures of his colleagues on his laptop for masturbation purposes. I don’t think I’ve ever felt rage like it.

Creeper8 Wed 12-Sep-18 09:33:09

clearly is.

cakecakecheese Wed 12-Sep-18 09:38:37

It's bad enough to be having these inappropriate conversations but he lied about stopping, mimimised it and reeled off the classic script lines about wanting attention.

Have you asked him how he would feel if you were having sexual conversations with random men? Would that be 'nothing' too?

Virtuallyconfused Wed 12-Sep-18 09:47:35

As someone in this position, it can slide easily from innocent friendship into cheating.

But it is cheating.

If he's doing it witb multiple women there might be a purely sexual driver behind it.

With only one personal, emotional and sexual perhaps.

timeisnotaline Wed 12-Sep-18 09:59:30

Suggest to him you ask his parents and friends. See if they all agree it’s not cheating and everybody does it. He knows it is cheating. I’d leave him.

bullyingadvice2017 Wed 12-Sep-18 18:13:35

It doesn't matter really what he thinks, weather he thinks your over reacting, crazy or somehow to blame of course because he makes the rules and changes them to suit him. (all classic identifying a twat clues! )
What matters is what you think and feel and how you want your life to be. You don't need his permission or blessing to be pissed off and want better for yourself.

I had one like this. Traded him in for working tax credits. Best thing Iv ever done.
Didn't realise how unhappy I was and how much of me had been compromised to fit in with his bullshit until I left him and set up on my own. Really wish I'd done it at the first sign of this kind of crap, would have saved me a lot of heartache.

0ccamsRazor Wed 12-Sep-18 18:19:57

He is like a dog with two dicks.

Where is your line in the sand Op?

SilverySurfer Wed 12-Sep-18 18:38:23

I don't know what his reasons will be this time round but I suspect he will get annoyed at me suggesting he's doing something wrong again.

Never mind him getting annoyed with you, you should be absolutely furious with him. Since when is exchanging sexy messages with another woman in any way acceptable?

If he has a problem with that, I agree with timeisnotaline, tell him you will share his cosy sex chats with his family and friends, see what they have to say.

Please don't put up with this OP.

LemonysSnicket Wed 12-Sep-18 19:10:26

Sexual - yes

LemonysSnicket Wed 12-Sep-18 19:12:11

Ask him if he'd be ok with you doing it then

Lou343 Wed 12-Sep-18 21:40:53

He's just told me that I have made the whole thing up because there are no messages. He's showed me the phone and has deleted everything. I know that there were messages and pictures. He says that I'm paranoid and that he has never cheated and does not message other women.

category12 Wed 12-Sep-18 21:50:18

OK, so he's gaslighting you and treating you like you're stupid or delusional. Get rid of him.

Lou343 Wed 12-Sep-18 21:56:09

This is what he did last time after I'd just had DS but he eventually admitted talking to them. He just made out that it wasn't cheating etc etc. I was not in the right frame of mind to deal with it properly and stupidly agreed and accepted his apology.

He's probably been doing the same thing for years and been playing me for a fool.

LynetteScavo Wed 12-Sep-18 22:13:37

Yes it's cheating, and hurtful.

And he's lying. You know he is. sad

I wouldn't trust him anymore.

Turkkadin Wed 12-Sep-18 23:50:37

These scenarios always remind me of Tess Daly and her lovely husband Vernon. After her husband had been caught sexting other women Tess informed us all that it was because he wasn't aware that you arnt to do that when married with 2 children. She had explained to Vernon that it wasn't acceptable and now he knew the framework he wouldn't be making such an uninformed and apparently unintentional mistake again. The only people these women are fooling is themselves.

sparklepops123 Thu 13-Sep-18 06:02:08

You know you're right so deal with it, he's playing you for even a bigger fool to make out you were wrong to what you saw

Lou343 Thu 13-Sep-18 07:16:25

I was really considering just letting it slide, but I don't see why I should disrespect myself so much. He actually got so angry at the fact I was upset about it. Shouting round saying I was a 'fucking mess'.

He said if I tell his family and friends they won't see anything wrong with it because it didn't happen!! I might just do that anyway, see what they really think!

RyderWhiteSwan Thu 13-Sep-18 07:28:06

Oh OP you know what you saw. He doesn't even have the guts to admit it and is doing the classic delete/deny/ gaslight. These men think they're SOOOOO clever but all run to a script. He has NO respect for you whatsoever.

sparklepops123 Thu 13-Sep-18 07:45:23

Call his bluff and tell them

LizzieSiddal Thu 13-Sep-18 07:51:59

You are not mad. You saw the messages, he is having sexual conversations with other women. His reaction is dispicable, he can’t even apologise to you, he’s twisting it round to try to make you think you’re mad.
If you let him get away with this again, he will carry on and will probably move on to actual affairs (if he already).

Dont stick around and let him disrespect you all over again.

Lou343 Thu 13-Sep-18 08:04:26

Think I've really started something here, he's woken in an absolutely foul mood. Absolutely adamant that he hasn't done it, I think that he may of convinced himself that much.

The reaction tells me everything I need to know though, he's absolutely lost it. Screaming and shouting telling me not to expect any money towards bills this month because I can't trust him.

He's only going to look after himself from now on because no one gives a fuck about him.

cloudtree Thu 13-Sep-18 08:06:18

Yep sorry OP, he's cheating. Whether he's actually having sex or not, the fact that he's sexting other women would be a deal breaker for me.

BlaaBlaaBlaa Thu 13-Sep-18 08:11:46

So, not only is he cheating he's prepared to let his wife and child go without by withholding money. What an absolute dick.

Call his bluff, tell people so you have support and ask him to leave

StopPOP Thu 13-Sep-18 08:16:37

What a twat. What are your plans now? Ignore him, ducks in a row

LizzieSiddal Thu 13-Sep-18 08:17:01

He's only going to look after himself from now on because no one gives a fuck about him

God he sounds about 6 years old.

He will carry on behaving like this until you became all meal, mild and apologise to him for accusing him of something he says he hasn’t done.

Do not play his game.

Tell him calmly that you saw the messages, tell him some of the phrases you read (if you can remember any). That he’s been found out again and you are not forgetting about it this time.

LizzieSiddal Thu 13-Sep-18 08:17:15


VoiceOfCommonSense Thu 13-Sep-18 09:34:06

This story has been picked up in Australia on Nine Honey website. More lazy “journalism”...

WitsEnding Thu 13-Sep-18 09:44:49

It doesn't matter whether it's classed as cheating - it's unacceptable behaviour, you've discussed it before and his reaction shows that he knows that. With that and his reaction plus withholding money you probably have grounds for divorce right there.

AnyFucker Thu 13-Sep-18 09:50:37

He's probably been doing the same thing for years and been playing me for a fool.


Racecardriver Thu 13-Sep-18 10:14:40

I wouldn't consider the infidelity. Wrong yes. A betrayal of sorts, definitely. But cheating is very serious in my eyes.

Lou343 Thu 13-Sep-18 10:29:37

Yes, I've been completely taken for a ride. Well I'm in a much better frame if mind now, so I'm going to sort this out.

Thanks for the replies

Lou343 Thu 13-Sep-18 10:33:30

@VoiceOfCommonSense, oh dear really?! Surely anything is more interesting to write a piece on than this thread?

Chacha43 Thu 13-Sep-18 10:36:51

Hi Lou343. I’m sorry to hear that you have found such upsetting texts on your husbands phone and you have had to deal with his aggressive defensiveness, not really fare on his behalf.
A few have already touched on the word gaslighting and I strongly encourage you to read up on this terminology as it does appear to be what has happened in the past and what has happened again in this instance when you addressed the problem. In a nutshell your husband is trying to turn the blame onto you, and that’s not fair. If you read up about it you will be better prepared for his defensive behaviour and be able to deflect. In doing so you will force him to acknowledge his own actions. I fear that this may be a more complicated matter than you perhaps realise, with his past behaviour clearly indicating there is an unhealthy pattern of behaviour forming. Does he spend a lot of time on computer? The question is where are the contact details coming from, be prepared to enter a rabbit hole, perhaps finding another side of your husband that you didn’t know existed. If I can remind you of one thing in these situations and that is his behaviour says more about him than it does about you.

LizzieSiddal Thu 13-Sep-18 11:23:05

Lou going on from Voice’s post, you can ask MNHQ to delete the thread if you aren’t happy about the press picking it up.
Lazy bastards!

LizzieSiddal Thu 13-Sep-18 11:23:34

I meant the journos, not MNHQ!

Jenb2104 Thu 13-Sep-18 11:24:44

Of course it's cheating.

Thebluedog Thu 13-Sep-18 11:46:35

Yes it’s cheating and I’d not be able to live with someone who did this

Trinity66 Thu 13-Sep-18 11:56:18

I would class that as cheating yeah

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 13-Sep-18 12:02:46

I suspect he will get annoyed at me suggesting he's doing something wrong again.

Fuck that. He's in the wrong here, not you. Don't let him turn it back on you. Go full metal jacket on him! I would have chucked his stuff out by now.

Adora10 Thu 13-Sep-18 13:46:07

FGS wise up OP and get rid, he's been cheating on you for five years, are you going to allow him to carry on another five; his blatant disrespect and lying is astounding, you let him off before, he probably thinks you will again, please don't, he's a dirty little creep.

VoiceOfCommonSense Thu 13-Sep-18 14:21:47

Yes they are always doing it. It’s like they have a deadline coming up and nothing to write so let’s have a look at mumsnet and post the most recent story without bothering to ask for the OP’s permission. It’s a sign of the times, most of them aren’t even real journalists, just wannabe bloggers. I’m really sorry for what you are going through also.

Lou343 Thu 13-Sep-18 17:53:11

Thanks, @Chacha43 I've read up on what you suggested this afternoon. Think there actually might be more to it. A bit confused now!

On the cheating front, did a bit of digging today and I think it's more than messages.

Well if they want to use this thread for journalism then they could have at least come to me for the inside scoop on how much of a prick he has been. Sorry, if I don't laugh I may just cry today!!

GuessTheFruit Thu 13-Sep-18 18:30:55

Classic deflection. Your fault for not giving him attention. Neatly makes it all your fault when he's in the wrong. Classic abuser technique I'm afraid.

Lou343 Thu 13-Sep-18 21:06:53

Yes that sounds about right, everything is always my fault. He's up late for work, my fault - roadworks on the way somewhere, my fault - he's lost something, my fault etc etc.

YouAlwaysTry Thu 13-Sep-18 21:14:13

Get rid of him Lou he sounds awful even without the messages!

Dfalconer Fri 14-Sep-18 03:31:09

firstly im sorry you are going through this, its never a nice feeling and i know this because i have been that guy.
before i bore you with my life story i just want to know if you love him and if forgiveness is an option?
I have read most of the comments above and i see alot of pointing and blaming and yes hes a cheater and leave him hes a scumbag etc.
but im going to give you my experience because it may help or it may not.
i have and always will love my wife as my true soul mate but i hurt her, honestly if she was any other woman she would have left me, instead she pushed me to dig deep and find the cause.
some thing about my upbringing or life experiences left a bad template in me that allowed me to not be the best husband i could be. i grew with a strong hatred, maybe thats too strong, i found it hard to trust and care for girls i was around - women in general. my mind would almost portray a demonic version of any woman i would get close to. a part of me just want to get close to any girl that would show interest and then id just turn the other way.
i had friends who were girls, i didnt openly hate them i didnt hurt any physically.
its hard to explain the logic and the thoughts i had. to me women were horrible people who wanted to hurt me.
i would spend many hours picking up women online or via txt, i had no real sexual interest in them and thats why in my mind i wasnt being unfaithful.
it was a type of urge i couldnt explain and didnt feel i had to.
my wife caught me many times and i showed guilt because i knew it had hurt her but i couldnt understand why.
i wasnt doing some thing to hurt her or because she meant nothing to me. quite the opposite, the fact i wasnt doing the smae things to her made me think i really liked her (which i do of course - im just trying to explain that i wasnt trying to play the same game with her i was doing with other women)
any way i finally started to show other signs of mental health problems, i was becoming aggressive and behaviours were not acceptable for family life and i finally pushed myself to get help.
the problem has been i wouldnt have done this for just me, i needed some one who loved me to stand by me and help me do this.
i believe this is a very common issue with men, we dont seem to see women as people, and when we have the one we want we think that thats all that needs to be done and that we have won our prize.
i was suggested a book - no more mr nice guy. -its really helping me
have a look and you might suddenly see things in a different way. btw none of this is to say hes right or that you are to blame - its to see if there is enough love to save a relationship thats being torn apart unintentionally.
im learning that some ones actions dont always reflect who or what they are but some times its a symptom of what they were turned in to

please to any one who reads this, im not making excuses.
there are issues with men today and honestly we feel like we have no where to turn to.
i can break down and cry right now just thinking of my past even though my beautiful partner is still by my side. so many things in my past would paint me as a horrible heartless human being, but i wasnt i just wasnt able to be me, i was broken and didnt even know it.
just dont listen to most of these comments until you know for sure then kick his ass out.

please if you have questions ask me and ill do my best.
i think you need to poke a little deeper and see what his truth is.
he might not be "cheating" on you, he may just be a damaged human being and doesnt realise what he is doing to you.

thats my crappy response - i hope it all works out, let me know how it goes.

Dfalconer Fri 14-Sep-18 03:39:47

i dont normally comment on these things but this is some thing i am becoming passionate about - mens mental health and the molds that are forming young men needs to change. i have 5 boys and they have started behaving the way i used to and that was also part of the reason i had to change.
i also have a daughter and i couldnt live with myself if she grew up thinking this is how men behave and treat women.
a man on his own will not change - we are stubborn and blind to our own behaviors - you can either leave him because you really dont think its worth it and would be fine with some one else - or you can help him, like im sure you would help some one out of a car wreck.
but he needs to want to do this the most, if he doesnt then you cant do any thing for him.
if there was a goodness in him that you remember then remind him of that. let him know that is the side of him you want to see and that he is strong enough to change.

Playgroundmedic Fri 14-Sep-18 06:39:44

Hi. No loving and committed husband would do this to their wife. It's as simple as that. This is not normal, nor acceptable, and you gave him a chance after the last time he did it. The writing's on the wall - leave him and all the best to you.

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