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Would you class this as cheating?

(71 Posts)
Lou343 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:00:57

A few years ago I found out that my DP had been messaging other women. There were quite a lot of women that he was messaging. We were going through a rough patch, not long had DS and had PND so was not really up to doing much or really talking with him properly.

He said that it was just for someone to talk to, he had never met them and he was really sorry it would never happen again.

Fast forward 5 years and I've just found out he's messaging women again, none of them seem to live close by and from the messages and it doesn't seem like he's met any of them. The messages range from him just having general chit chat to very sexual.

He doesn't really go out much anymore so I'm not sure when he would find time to physically cheat but would you class this as cheating too?

Just looking for some advice before I confront him!

Fannybaws52 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:08:30

Yes. He can have a hundred female friends but the moment the conversation turns sexual, that is cheating. If he wouldn't talk to another woman like that in front of you, it's inappropriate and depending on severity e.g. sexting, it's seeking sexual release out with the marriage/relationship and is cheating.

You can't trust him, he doesn't respect you or care how you feel. What are you getting out of this besides a dent to your self esteem?

Ohyesiam Wed 12-Sep-18 08:10:27

Yes, if he’s having sexual conversations with them he’s crossed a line. How could it not be cheating?
What’s his excuse going to be this time ?

DeadBod Wed 12-Sep-18 08:10:59

Yes, it's cheating. He knows how you feel from the first time but has gone on to disrespect you a second time.

bullyingadvice2017 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:11:52

Would be over for me. Don't make excuses and try to justify why when you were ill with pnd after bringing his baby into the world he was cheating. He should have been doing everything he could to support you and reassure you. He did the exact opposite. And to be doing it again now shows he learnt nothing. What a pig.

RParr Wed 12-Sep-18 08:12:12

I would absolutely class this as cheating. Sexual conversations and emotional affairs aren’t respectful of you or your relationship. I’m sorry you’re having to tackle this. It could be a good idea to try counseling as a couple, but with it being the second occasion I’d also be drifting towards leaving.

Monty27 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:12:23

He sounds like he is a cheat or at best a potential cheat to me.
Vomit

ShatnersWig Wed 12-Sep-18 08:13:26

For fuck's sake, you need ADVICE???

He did it before, you found out about it, he said he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again and lo and behold it's happened again.

So, he's lied. You can't trust him. How can you have a relationship without trust? Do you really need to come onto a forum and ask for advice as to whether this is cheating? It doesn't matter what WE think! It only matters what YOU think and whether you want to stay with someone who has such little respect for you that he spend his time messaging other women.

TheObwaldhutte Wed 12-Sep-18 08:14:05

The fact that he did this when you had depression tells you all you need to know really OP. This guy does not have your back in any meaningful way.

NonaGrey Wed 12-Sep-18 08:14:49

Sexual conversations - yes I would absolutely class that as cheating.

sad

TheObwaldhutte Wed 12-Sep-18 08:17:58

Meant to add, of course it's cheating.

ByeGermsByeWorries Wed 12-Sep-18 08:21:14

I would absolutely class this as cheating too.

OrgyOfBarminess Wed 12-Sep-18 08:24:24

Yes!
I wonder how he'd view it if you were messaging other men sexual messages.

sparklepops123 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:27:24

Yes it's cheating, my exh did very similar to this inc sending dick pics. Could never trust him. Like I say he's now ex

Lou343 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:45:08

I should of mentioned the reason why I'm asking for advice is because the first time he made out that I was crazy even suggesting it was cheating. He said he hadn't done anything wrong he just needed some attention which I wasn't giving him.

I don't know what his reasons will be this time round but I suspect he will get annoyed at me suggesting he's doing something wrong again.

category12 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:50:07

It's a handy get-out card, pretend there's nothing wrong about something you do and get angry when challenged about it. We should all try it more - steal someone's stuff "oh it's not stealing, nobody cares about that, everyone does it - why the hell are you bugging me about it?!" I guess you should just STFU then.

Wait, no...

Sarahlou63 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:50:21

He will be annoyed??? Fuck how he feels! How do you feel?

PavlovaFaith Wed 12-Sep-18 08:51:54

So it's "give me more attention or I'll go and find it elsewhere"?

LTB.

Monty27 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:57:28

Ltb. He doesn't deserve you. Well actually if you are prepared to put up with it that's down to you

sparklepops123 Wed 12-Sep-18 09:00:59

So how would he react if you did the same thing? He knows your view on it and still did it again, he doesn't respect you or your feelings

Funicorn Wed 12-Sep-18 09:16:00

Of course it is cheating . He is turning it on you . He's a knob .

DarkNightDelight Wed 12-Sep-18 09:22:10

An ex of mine from a few years ago did the same, caught him numerous times and even left him but he'd worn his way back in.
I did leave him and afterwards found out he had been meeting, sending videos of himself masturbating to these women and had other relationships behind my back. All over a 5 year period.

Messaging other women shows lack of respect for you and your relationship.

thanks

user1483387154 Wed 12-Sep-18 09:23:16

Definitely cheating

SpeedbirdFoxtrot Wed 12-Sep-18 09:30:49

Ah man, and he gaslighted you the first time to boot! It doesn’t sound like this is changeable behaviour. I’d find it quite difficult to move beyond this.

Oh @DarkNightDelight, that sounds awful! I had an ex who stored a file of pictures of his colleagues on his laptop for masturbation purposes. I don’t think I’ve ever felt rage like it.

Creeper8 Wed 12-Sep-18 09:33:09

clearly is.

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