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Am I really upset for no reason?

(13 Posts)
NowWhatUsernameShallIHave Sun 12-Aug-18 00:56:38


Posted elsewhere but was told that I would get a better response here
Long story short

I have had a medical condition my whole life which I am only realising now has had a major impact on my mental state.
Four years ago I was diagnosed with cancer nothing to do with first and it has put e close to the edge

My DH and I are either constantly arguing or not talking and it has become worse over the past year. I am depressed. I have had a mental assessment but my actual appointment isn’t until November

Anything physical he’s very supportive, anything mental he becomes cold and reacts totally differently.

We are at a point where some days we don’t even talk.

There have been a few times when I’ve mentioned meeting up for lunch, never happens but always comes from me.

He has a female colleague who was diagnosed with cancer a year after me that he used to manage. She still works there with a different team.

Please don’t judge I went through his phone. YesI know that was unreasonable on my part.

He has stayed in contact with her which I’m aware of but recently he met her for lunch.
Her message was that thanks for lunch and she’s so glad that someone understands what she is going through and that hopes NowWhat is feeling better etc

I am super hurt tide various reasons
1. He didn’t tell me he was meeting her but I don’t think there’s anything romantic, but then can’t meet me for lunch.
2. He’s telling her probably somethings that are personal to me. If he’s purely talking about his feelings as a partner fine but I doubt it.
3. My main thing is this though. If he was meeting her and she was the partner of someone going through cancer and he was sympathising, fine. But he is probably talking to her like he understands when all the while at home it’s a totally different story.

I am so upset.

I can’t even say anything because he would know I went through his phone.

Apileofballyhoo Sun 12-Aug-18 01:06:04

I'm sorry you're going through such a bad time. He sounds absolutely awful, and it doesn't really sound like you've got much of a relationship left. How dependent are you on him financially and physically? Do you have DC?

Apileofballyhoo Sun 12-Aug-18 01:07:10

It sounds quite emotional affair-y to me, which would make me think he has checked out of your relationship.

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave Sun 12-Aug-18 01:09:55

She is married with a young child
I don’t think it’s an affair

I am financially dependent on him and have 2 DCs

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave Sun 12-Aug-18 01:25:02


Inexperiencedchick Sun 12-Aug-18 05:44:03


Stripeyzigzag Sun 12-Aug-18 06:49:22

Sounds like he isn’t coping with you being unwell
This can happen
Can you get to a couples counsellor quickly so that you can talk things through

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave Sun 12-Aug-18 07:26:40

How can we get couples counselling quickly? We can’t afford private

Stripeyzigzag Sun 12-Aug-18 07:52:07

I don’t know how good they are but Marriage Care I think are donation based

Guavaf1sh Sun 12-Aug-18 08:04:28

The relationship itself doesn’t sound very strong because of health issues and reactions to them - but getting upset over something like this is not going to help anyone. Better try and solve the original problem than some of the symptoms. Good luck!

RainySeptember Sun 12-Aug-18 08:08:52

I don't want to minimise what you are going through at all, but having lived with someone with mh issues I can say with confidence that, at times, it can be hell.

It isn't your fault, none of it is your fault, but he will certainly be struggling too - living with someone with mh issues is exhausting and draining, and very hard to not be able to help them.

This lunch sounds like a catch up with an old friend, an opportunity to share their experiences. She may well have reached out to him following her diagnosis, knowing your situation. Does he have a lot of people/friends to talk to when he feels like he's drowning?

Of course you need support too. Is he the only one you look to for that, or do you have friends and family to lean on too?

If you can't afford counselling, or the situation feels too critical to wait, you have no option but to try to fix it yourselves. If you both want to reconnect, it can be done. You will need to start with a frank discussion, no blame or accusations, just how you honestly both feel, whether you still love each other, whether you are both committed to fixing it.

If not, the other option will be separation of course.

fieryginger Sun 12-Aug-18 08:09:49

I would have to say that I'd seen the message. Honesty is the best policy imo, it would piss me off too much that he'd gone to lunch with another woman and not told me.

The sulking in your marriage is harmful, you need to find a way of communicating better. I know that is easier said than done, but it is making you both miserable and not working.

My parents were terrible sulkers, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. I've been with DH 33 years and I said, from the beginning, I don't do sulking, I can't live like they did, it would be a deal breaker.

Good luck op 💐

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave Sun 12-Aug-18 23:59:04

I don’t know whether to say anything. I’ve known for a few days now and it’s eating me up.

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