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Am I being naive?

(9 Posts)
Amumoftwo Sat 11-Aug-18 20:42:55

Apologies in advance for a long story but I feel I need to share all the facts

I have been happily married to DH for 19 years and we have 2 teenage children. A few years ago I was diognosed with breast cancer and DH was very supportive but due to surgery, chemo & radiotherapy our sex life waned and then due to money worries we had a few difficult months when we were arguing and bickering but nothing major.
In April this year, on our way home from Lunch with the in laws, I was driving but I glanced across at my husband and noticed he was messaging a woman that I didn’t know. There were xxx at the end of each message so I was a bit suspicious. I didn’t say anything then cos kids were in the car and DH was a little drunk. I also wanted to gather a bit more info before I accused him of anything. Bearing in mind that at no time in our relationship has he ever given me any reason to mistrust him. Anyway, I was able to read a message from her the following day that said “I’m home now, can you call me xx” so when he came home that night I asked him who she was, he faltered but said she was just a friend. Turns out she was his first girlfriend and they reconnected on FB but at no time had he ever mentioned that he was in contact with her. He said he was just helping her through a difficult time cos her FIL passed away. So after a massive row and me flipping out, I sent her a FB message and immediately she messaged him saying “I think your wife has been snooping on your phone” well if it was an innocent friendship surely she would have just replied to me?
We spent a long time discussing it and he apologised profusely for hurting me but still didn’t really see anything wrong because they never actually met up. We managed to sort things out, he told me he stopped all contact and things between us were better than ever. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, during a family BBQ I once again saw her name come up on his phone. Once again he’d been drinking so I couldn’t ask him about it but when he went to bed he left his phone in the lounge and I did the thing I said I would never do - I looked at his phone! I felt sick because I found messages that clearly crossed the boundaries of friendship. In the morning I asked him about it and he denied it so I just said I can’t live with a liar and I left the house. When I came home 5 hours later we had a massive row and he eventually told me everything but still says that they never met and he was just helping her through a bad time at work! Once again he promised to cut all contact and I watched him send her a message that was very final but she responded with a very flippant response about him being in the “doghouse”. He has told me he loves me and is so sorry that his actions have put our marriage at stake and he promised me that it is all over and he will tell me if she tries to get in contact again.
So my question to this group is - am I being naive to believe him, can I ever trust him again ? Also I was thinking of contacting her myself to make sure she understands the brevity of the situation, have any of you been in a similar situation?
Any advice would be great appreciated

SendintheArdwolves Sat 11-Aug-18 20:57:42

He's been caught out, begged for another chance and then gone straight back to lying.

Now you've caught him again. And he's begging again. And if you forgive him again, what do you think will be different this time?

This would be it for me. I know that's easy for me to say, but he's a liar and a sleaze, and you can't trust him. If you want, you can spend the next three years "working on" your marriage and "rebuilding the trust" and going to counselling and all the merry rest of it, but you won't ever properly trust him again. You'll still get that sick dread, thr urge to check his phone, the fights when he says you have to trust him otherwise its never going to work, and you say that how can you, when he has demonstrated repeatedly that he is not trustworthy? And then one day you realise how exhausted you are from it all, and how it no longer matters if he's texting another woman, because all the love you had for him got used up a long time ago.

Save yourself those three years, OP. They aren't much fun.

Bambi99 Sat 11-Aug-18 22:24:54

I'm sorry to say but I think your being naive. You have given him a chance to be honest and stop and he lied and went back to messaging her. I think he should of been prioritising you and your emotions, any one who was invested in the relationship would of ceased contact with her the first time. You need to be careful you have played ur hand hun, he knows you have looked at his phone he will continue to lie and get better at hiding it, and that womans responses seem a bit odd to me, she clearly didn't seem offended at being viewed as the other woman. X

LizzieSiddal Sat 11-Aug-18 22:26:30

So sorry this is happened to you.

The first one you found out, it caused a massive row and he promised not to do it again. He has, and very quickly. What’s to say he won’t do it again?

I think I’d ask him to leave for a while so you can sort your head out.

Amumoftwo Sun 12-Aug-18 06:39:56

Thank you all for your replies, I know if I was giving advice to someone in this situation I would be saying exactly what you have all said BUT my heart is telling me to give him another chance. Just the fact that I posted here tells me that deep down I know that I’m probably making the wrong decision but we’ve had 19 really good years and I’m finding it hard to give up on what was a great marriage. I have told him that we are finished if I ever find out that he’s been in contact again and tonight he finally agreed that the friendship crossed boundaries into something else so that’s a step forward.
I guess time will tell!

SendintheArdwolves Sun 12-Aug-18 07:41:13

OK, I understand that this is very hard to just chuck him out - if you aren't doing that right now, then please use your time to help yourself.

You need to do the classic "ducks in a row". Copies of all significant financial documents. Speak to a solicitor to find out what you would be entitled to in the event of a split. Think about your job and what you would need to manage on your own.

None of these things commit you to leaving. Your husband does not have to know. But it will give you more info.

And give it a week, then ask to see his phone. Straight away, no excuses,on the spot. He will most likely act outraged, engineer a fight and storm off. Then he will delete off the messages and come back, apologising seeing your point of view and saying of course you can look at his phone.

LizzieSiddal Sun 12-Aug-18 07:50:12

So he’s finally admitted he’s cross d a line. That’s good if him.

Can you google “emotional affair”, and ask him to read the definition. I think Relate have a page on it. He needs to understand it isn’t just you who thinks he’s done something wrong, what he’s done is very serious, disrespectful and some women would be grounds for divorce.

My Dsis has instigate divorce as she found her H was texting a woman over 60 a day. She say the phone bills and it had been going on for months. She didn’t even ask to see the texts and he of course just said they were friends. But for her, it was an emotional affair, and because he wouldn’t admit for months he’d done anything wrong, their marriage was over.

LizzieSiddal Sun 12-Aug-18 07:52:14

Please excuse typos!

SendintheArdwolves Sun 12-Aug-18 08:04:04

Hang in, so he's only just admitted the friendship is crossing a line??

So, when you caught him the first time, and he promised to stop and was sorry - what did he think he was apologising for?

He is loving this, OP, make no mistake. He is getting such a kick out of the drama and attention, and how hurt you are and how much you don't want to let him go. And now he's "admitted" that maybe this special friendship did have some sort of sexy undercurrent, maybe she also fancies him, and maybe it is even more dramatic and important and complicated than before.

This is such bullshit, OP. I'm sorry he's putting you through it.

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