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Selfish SIL

(217 Posts)
Nohelp5 Sat 11-Aug-18 16:02:38

I’m a 37 year old man. I met my current girlfriend just over a year ago. As soon as I met her I knew she was ‘The One’. I’ve had a lot of bad luck with women over the years and never thought I’d meet anyone like my girlfriend. I introduced her to my family who all liked her but within a week or so of introducing her she had an awful riding accident which left her in a coma and the doctors didn’t think she’d pull through. Anyway, long story short, she eventually woke from the coma and was released from hospital 6 months after her accident. She has problems with her memory and can get very paranoid, but her main issues are physical. She’s very unsteady on her feet and falls over a lot (once on top of a child). She needs help showering, going to the toilet, getting dressed, can’t cook or carry a drink. She basically needs support with most tasks and someone with her all the time.

From conversations I’d had with her whilst she was in hospital she’d made it clear that she wanted to move in with me rather than go back to her parents house (where she’d been living prior to her accident) once she was released from hospital. I wasn’t sure about this but didn’t want to be the bad guy when she was still so fragile so agreed to let her move in with me and started trying to find ways to make this work. We spoke about who would help her during the day when I was at work and she rejected the idea of her parents helping her as she finds them annoying. She had a group of friends who were keen to help but it still left a number of days when there was no one around. So I suggested that my SIL could do it as she only worked part time in teaching and was at home the rest of the week looking after my nephew (aged 3).

My girlfriend and my SIL had only met twice before the accident but I was sure they’d get on well with each other so it seemed like the perfect solution. I spoke to my brother about his wife (my SIL) helping to care for my girlfriend. He said they would help out where they could but was a bit non-committal about my SIL helping on a regular basis. He said he’d mention it to her.

Anyway, time moved on and I didn’t hear from my SIL about this at all. My girlfriend had a vague release date from hospital and I started getting worried about who was going to look after her for the remaining days. I was going to speak to my brother again asking for my SIL to commit to certain days and times each week but he told me that my SIL had been admitted into hospital for a number of days (wouldn’t tell me why) and whilst in hospital they’d also found out she was pregnant. Obviously this wasn’t the time to discuss my girlfriend’s care so I left it.

Anyway, SIL came out of hospital and still didn’t bring up caring for my girlfriend (and I didn't mention it) and time has continued to move on. She has been round to see my girlfriend a few times and invited her round to hers on the odd occasion as well as taken her out a couple of times but that’s it.

It’s now 6 months since my girlfriend came out of hospital and it has been so hard. I’m exhausted. My girlfriend is making progress and improving but not as quickly as I’d hoped and I’m still having to do a lot for her when I’m with her. Every week I’m trying to find people to care for her whilst I’m at work so she isn’t on her own and I’m getting more and more angry at certain people for not doing more for my girlfriend. Her parents were very keen to help at the start and were constantly offering support but that has dwindled now due to my girlfriend not wanting to accept their help. Her friends seem reluctant to rearrange their working weeks to come and sit with her and I’m scratching around trying to get people to commit to a routine each week that they stick to. I’m also so angry at my SIL for not doing more. She’s part time and spends the rest of her week at home with her child. She literally has nothing but time on her hands yet still is only offering sporadic support. I’m so angry that I can’t even look at her or speak to her. She’s currently on maternity leave waiting for the baby to arrive and still not offering to help out on a regular basis. I’m so angry that I don’t think our relationship will ever be the same again.

Anyway, am I being unfair to my SIL to expect her to look after my girlfriend on the days that she isn't working. I don’t think it’s a big ask because it’s not like she’s working but someone I mentioned this situation to thinks I’m being very unfair. I don’t think I am. What can I say to her to make her realise how selfish she's being. I don’t want to ask people in real life so thought I’d try here.

Bubblysqueak Sat 11-Aug-18 16:07:38

You are being incredibly unfair to all of them. They are not your girlfriends carers.
If your girlfriend needs care, you will need to employ someone before you alienate all of your friends and family.

Dreambathroom Sat 11-Aug-18 16:08:04

Your partner isn’t your SIL responsibility. You are selfish to expect her to give up her free days which oh she might want to spend with her child maybe and expect her to look after someone she barely knows. You need to find paid help.

Fairylea Sat 11-Aug-18 16:11:14

Why on earth did you assume your sil would help?? Sorry but I think you’re expecting way too much from everyone. Your sil barely knows your girlfriend, if I was the sil with a 3 year old to look after as well there is no way I’d help!

Namechangeforthiscancershit Sat 11-Aug-18 16:11:35

What? You are annoyed that your friends and SIL aren’t reorganising their lives to care for your girlfriend?

Millipedewithherfeetup Sat 11-Aug-18 16:13:27

If your girlfriend needs 24/7 care then you are entitled to social service care....hospitals do not discharge patients with this level of need unless a care package has been put place.

DonkeyPlease Sat 11-Aug-18 16:13:43

You're being completely unreasonable to the point that I'm not sure this is real.

Hire someone to help, or get her parents to help hire someone. I also suggest you get yourself into counselling.

AppleScoop Sat 11-Aug-18 16:14:10

I think your girlfriend is being a little selfish too. She might find her parents 'annoying' but they seem prepared to care for her and beggars can't be choosers.

Furx Sat 11-Aug-18 16:14:49

Because it’s a woman’s job to do that shit innit?

For free.

Oswin Sat 11-Aug-18 16:15:56

You really dont think you are being stupid?
Of course its not your sils responsibility to look after your gf, someone she really doesnt know.

JellyTeapot Sat 11-Aug-18 16:16:17

You're being incredibly unfair, your SIL is looking after her own child and expecting another imminently, I expect she has neither the time nor energy to act as carer for an adult she's only met a few times, even if she wanted to. I'd say your expectations of her are rather selfish.

mplINsTA Sat 11-Aug-18 16:16:31

You're very confident that people you barely know owe you hundreds of hours of extremely hard work for free.

Snappedandfarted2018 Sat 11-Aug-18 16:16:45

Why on earth is it down to a woman who married your db? It’s not really down to you either to be caring for your new gf. You should have told her to go back to her parents, you and you’re gf can’t expect friends and your family to support her. She needs to hit the bullet go back to parents or you pay a carer no wondering friends stop coming. You’re masdovely selfish you’re poor Sil isn’t at home doing nothing she’s running the house and caring for her toddler with a baby on the way! Get a grip

Fairylea Sat 11-Aug-18 16:17:16

I agree your girlfriend is being a unfair too. If her parents were prepared to help and she lived with them before why does she think it’s reasonable to expect care from people she barely knows? It’s all very strange.

Maelstrop Sat 11-Aug-18 16:18:09

Are you quite mad? Her parents have offers to help, I suggest that she moves back in with them until she’s recovered properly so they can do just that. Why on earth did you think your sil would want to do this just because she’s a SAHM?

I have rarely read such a crazy thread.

Gottokondo Sat 11-Aug-18 16:18:15

If this is real then you sound very entitled. Nobody has to care for your gf. Either you do it if you want to, pay for a carer or guess what? She can sort it out herself or go back to her parents. Nobody owes you or her even five minutes of their time. And your SIL is busy enough, I don't see you helping her while she's massively pregnant.

I am glad that I don't know you.

Fairylea Sat 11-Aug-18 16:18:24

(I mean I agree with the poster who replied above about your girlfriend).

Furx Sat 11-Aug-18 16:18:33

Got to be a reverse, and a pp has it right, a social care package should be in place. Not random people who don’t know the girlfriend.

Shmithecat Sat 11-Aug-18 16:19:02

Is this reverse?

BoneShaker Sat 11-Aug-18 16:19:03

Is your brother also expected to help out in his free time? Or just his wife?

noenergy Sat 11-Aug-18 16:19:51

How can u expect your heavily pregnant SIL with a 3 year old to care for your GF. I don't think u realise how how looking after a 3 year old can be.

Her parents or proper carers r needed if she needs that amount of care

StoorieHoose Sat 11-Aug-18 16:19:56

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 11-Aug-18 16:20:16

Woman know your place! You have asked to go part-time to help more haven't you? Thought not...

NonaGrey Sat 11-Aug-18 16:20:23

You want a heavily pregnant woman with a toddler to provide full
time care two days a week? And you don’t think you are being unreasonable??

shockangry

Your options are these:
Speak to the council about care
Pay for professional care
Tell your girlfriend to swallow her pride and ask her parents.

Your attitude to your SIL is shameful. I hope you haven’t expressed these thoughts to her in real life.

If so you need to apologise. A lot.

MummytoCSJH Sat 11-Aug-18 16:21:13

You are joking? It seems like nobody offered to help but you assumed they would anyway. SIL doesnt have to give up her maternity leave (not to mention its really hard being pregnant!) to taken responsibilities that aren't hers. If you want somebody to commit to days and times, hire a carer.

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