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Divorcing someone with a personality disorder

(14 Posts)
Allalittlebitshit2019 Sat 11-Aug-18 12:09:34

I have been divorcing for about 2 years!! my stbxh is beyond odd, hes very very peculiar, i have known for a long time that a lot of his behaviour isnt normal. It has become clear to me through the divorce process that he has an undiagnoses personality disorder.
There is an apparent check list for diagnosing people with BPD you have to have 5 out of the 9 trates, he has 7! I also work with quite a large amount of people with bpd,, so see the similarities.
Just after some advise really, we have young children and i worry hugely that he is emotionally abusive towards him (he is towards me)
Anyone else in this situation?

Anon90 Sat 11-Aug-18 13:12:19

TBH whether he has BPD or not is niether here nor there.

If his behaviour is abusive its abusive and you take whatever steps you need to to protect yourself and your children from that.

Labelling it as BPD wont make it better. My best friend is diagnosed with BPD. She is on the extreme end. To put it politely.

My boyfriend is not diagnosed but is basically a carbon copy of her, behavioir, mood, thought patterns etc. When he talks its like hes reading from the exact same script as her.

However. They are both (one more so) insightful people who do actually care about their effect on others. They both want to improve on their control over their emotions, they both want calm, peace and normality and they actively make changes in their own behaviour.

The label isnt as important as addressing the specific behaviour patterns.

Anon90 Sat 11-Aug-18 13:17:13

Also it's pointless trying to make him address it. He wont unless he wants to.

Allalittlebitshit2019 Sat 11-Aug-18 13:37:16

No I'm aware of that it's just so many loose ends that I was struggling to put together. It's just feels like a relief to see the whole of him in one discription if that makes sense.
He would never admit the problem is him and he has no reason or want to change.
There is also a religious aspect to it all with him and trying to manipulate the children into believing what he does, even though what he belives is pretty extreme. I have to be careful how much I say on here as it could easily out me.
I totally except you can not help having a personality disorder but your still accountable for your actions esp when they negatively affect other's.

Anon90 Sat 11-Aug-18 14:19:43

* totally except you can not help having a personality disorder but your still accountable for your actions esp when they negatively affect other's.*

Absolutely right. The only way for them to become healthy is for them to have to take responsibility for their actions. Sobmany people pander to it and excuse it thinking itnwill help and it doesnt.

lifebegins50 Sat 11-Aug-18 15:03:53

I think knowkedge helps so you don't take it personally and you accept everything will be more stressful and take longer.

There is often an assumption that a difficult divorce is caused by both parties but that is not the case..it will take the legal and clinical world time to catch up however as malignant personality disorders are not well understood, especially if they are pillars of the community.

Npd Ex has at least revealed himself to everyone through the divorce as his behaviour was so abusive, it blew away the nice guy image he tried to culivate. That is the only benefit!

If he is emotionally abusive to the dc then you need to get cafcass involved and hope the dc are able to speak up for themselves.

Allalittlebitshit2019 Sun 12-Aug-18 22:55:42

The problem is the children are young, too young to really know whats going on.

I personally think the best option is that he looses interest in seeing them (feel dreadful saying that) but i think weighing up him seeing the children and causing emotional harm will have a bigger impact then him not seeing that at all!

I think tbh knowing or suspecting he does have a personality problem does help, there are so many odd things about him. Yes hes abusive and yes he has huge control issues, but its more than that, hes obsessive, manipulative and a compulsive lier, he also looses sense of reality at times and has some very very odd things. To the point that he has lied in court! I think one of the hardest thing is the way he treats me its like im an object a useless peace of shit, thats mentally hard.
Also i need to find a way to except that it wont get any better with him, but to manage to somehow not let his nastiness take over.

lifebegins50 Sun 12-Aug-18 23:59:42

Ex was also a liar and lied to court, something I was sure he wouldn't do given his career but sadly lying works as Judges don't have the time to investigate all the evidence.

Malignant NPD is more likely if he is a liar and manipulative.

So sorry the dc are young as your are powerless to help as courta are so focussed on parents rights and emotional abuse has a high bar, most manipulative parents can show a better side when needed.

As you say he may lose interest especially if he gets a new form of supply which could be for the best.

Jux Mon 13-Aug-18 00:15:24

I didn't think parents had rights in that context, the child has the right to a relationship with each parent, though.

Allalittlebitshit2019 Mon 13-Aug-18 11:17:38

He has a new partner hes been with her about a year, she works high up in mental health!!! she also has pre teen girls (he is addicted to porn) which really surprised me that she made the choice to have him move into her house.
She has made things worse not better as she enables his behaviour! They both work from home and she is constantly at my house collecting the children with him. He has even sent her to my front door to collect them. She has seen his terrible behaviour towards me and esp towards the children.
She enables his life style (i believe) he drives her nice expensive car, lives in her mortgage free house and uses her money to fight me in court. Were not talking using a solicitor but a barrister!! She has also been there and witnessed his barrister telling him off about his behaviour towards me regarding the children. So unfortunately her behaviour totally enables his own behaviour. She is also aware that he has fallen out with most of his family and doesn't allow them to see the children at all.
Yes the children have a right to a relationship with both parents. But i have been pretty disappointed that the behaviour of my ex hasn't been highlighted more as his behaviour makes its hard to productively parent. He is always undermining me and he is clearly so aggressive verbally towards me, he has also been threatened twice with a restraining order. I have been under a lot of pressure from him and i mean a lot, he never gives up or relents is his per suite to try to take me down. He is basically bullying me and at times its been abusive this clearly makes parenting harder, there should be more protection for the abused parent.

AgentJohnson Mon 13-Aug-18 15:56:29

I know it’s difficult but you need to learn to better detach from this man. Solicitors, Contact Centres, the Police are all people or institutions that can help you do this. Your amateur diagnosis and the information about his new gf are irrelevant and only demonstrate your ongoing attachment to him.

Get tough with him and yourself and cut off his oxygen which is his desire to abuse you. Use the above mentioned people and institutions to achieve that goal. If you believe he’s targeting your children, then get professional support for them. As harsh as it sounds, his new gf takes some of his focus away from you and that’s a good thing. Don’t go down the rabbit of hole of trying to figure him out, concentrate in protecting yourself by detaching.

Allalittlebitshit2019 Mon 13-Aug-18 16:07:38

AgentJohnson
I dont disagree, i have got a lot lot better but its been tough as hes had me in court 4 times in the last year,, also i was just describing the situation as a previous poster asked mentioned him having a new source. He makes it very hard to disconnect as he ignores the court order and frankly does what he likes.
Police arnt really interested and there is no chance of using a contact centre as hes not been violent and thats mainly what their used for.
To be fair i was just looking for some support.

fannycraddock72 Mon 13-Aug-18 16:53:40

I can totally get where you are coming from. It took me nearly a year to figure out my ex may or may not have a full blown personality disorder, they ticked many boxes and what like a lightbulb was switched on when i read about narcissism and personality disorders.

People like your ex need supply (oxygen as a previous poster put it) theres a technique called ‘grey rock’. No matter how he tries to push you into a reaction, don’t respond. Whether he’s on the charm offensive, wanting pity or raging at you..simply don’t respond.

As for your kids they’ll be fine as long as they have one ‘sane’ parent...that’s you! You can’t control what he does or says to them. Just be the best mum you can.

Allalittlebitshit2019 Mon 13-Aug-18 20:27:51

Fanny thank you. Your right it takes a while to really see what's happening esp if you have been with them a long time.
Two weeks ago our old family dog died when the children are away. He is refusing to allow me to speak to them atm (even though it's court ordered). Anyhow I could only tell them once they are home, it's their first experience of death so pretty hard but they took it well and have been great. But I told their father as obviously they would mention it to them and was our pet. He insisted on knowing how she had died then when I said said "I hope being mean to me makes you Happy".Completely out of context as it wasn't about him. He actually walked out and has never asked after her. But even thst occasion had to be about him, so so odd. Never asked how the kids were coping with it though.

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