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AIBU to just want to cut ties with my 'friends'

(8 Posts)
Mangoo Sat 11-Aug-18 12:04:03

So I've been having an utter shit time recently. I've had multiple miscarriages which have been happening since Sept last year.

I've been withdrawn and down and lost so much weight from it.

Last time I saw my group of friends in April they asked me if I was okay as I looked in a bad way so I broke down and told them everything that has been going on. There were lots of hugs and 'were here for you's but since then...nothing.

Not one text or offer of a cup of tea or a night out to take my mind off things. Not one phone call or just a message to check up.

I'm not asking to be baby sat or for them to be my counsellor but I just think it's really poor of them to not even want to check on me once after everything I told them.

It's not like we haven't spoke either. They've messaged me about other things since then. One even sent me a picture of her positive pregnancy test with nothing but 'Oh my God!!!!' in the message... nice.

I'm already feeling incredibly lonely and isolated and still the people who I thought would be there for me when I needed them just aren't.

I get I could bring it up, I could message them and ask but I don't want to feel like I'm bugging them or being a downer. It seems the only time they are interested is if it involves going out for a night and having fun. I get that they might feel awkward and don't know what to say but surely being someone's friend is more than just having someone to get drunk and have a good time with.

One of the girls is going through something too at the moment which she confided in me and I've tried to be there for her. Sent her messages saying she can talk to me whenever she needs, day or night, offered to go round or her to come to mine if she needs to get away etc... But still not one mention of my situation or a return of the favour. She probably has more on her mind though to be fair.

I just think the whole thing is insensitive and selfish and just leaves me wondering if it's worth being friends with these people if they can't even muster up the effort to be kind when I need them. Sorry for rambling sad

Jacksback Sat 11-Aug-18 13:25:09

Mangoo
So very sorry to hear of your loss (s) x
Ok , maybe if you gave them the benifit of the doubt you may think that they felt awkward about discussing this with you or they felt less said soonest mended ? But to send you a positive pregnancy message was unbelievably insensitive .
A number of years ago I lost my mum and friends who lived 5 doors and 6 doors away never called round , text , nothing . They are no longer true friends I say hi and pass time of day but that’s it . I have other friends who were there for me nd are still in my life.
It’s your choice , if you feel you need to talk then some counselling may help and look to seek out friends who are there for you . Maybe the woman who has opened up to you ? X

Stripeyzigzag Sat 11-Aug-18 15:02:25

Been in the same situation and felt the same as you.
But regret not keeping up with them now, years have passed and I can see they just didn’t know what to do/say or how to act. Counselling esp CBT can be helpful IME.

Mangoo Sat 11-Aug-18 15:26:54

Thanks @JacksBlack

It's just so upsetting. Even just one message to let me know they were there would make me feel less alone.

The pregnancy test was incredibly insensitive. I didn't respond and they said nothing further so I'm assuming she realised.

I do have one friend who is separate from this group who's been kind and let me talk when I need to etc... So that's one thing.

I've known this group since we were younger and I honestly thought they would be there for me if I needed them. It's rubbish to find out that's not the case.

Sorry to hear what you went through x

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 11-Aug-18 15:40:01

I’m so sorry for your losses flowers You’ve been through more than a lot of people have and struggling to stay pregnant is so painful it can cast a shadow over everything. In a good way, because I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it’s good most people can’t relate to it. But sympathy is still possible even when they don’t really get it and i know I’ve been lucky in support from my friends - surprisingly one in particular who loathes babies and would never want one but read a few articles to try and understand and has made a point of saying to me that while she can’t empathise she can imagine how difficult it is wanting something so much and not being able to hold onto it. It meant a lot to me.

Your “friend” sending you a test picture is shockingly cruel, you must have been gutted.

I think for now, I’d accept that you’re not going to get the support you need from these friends. If there are fun things going on with them and you want a distraction then engage with that and seek empathy from other people or sources.

All I’ve ever really wanted from people who know what we’ve been through is “sorry, that sucks”. There’s no point people pretending they get it when they don’t but with any loss the best thing is to acknowledge it and say you’re sorry. I still have both my parents but when friends have lost theirs I’ve gone with “sorry for what you’re going through, I love you, here for you”. It’s frustrating and disappointing when people let you down like this. Lean on your nice friend. Being able to talk it out is so important.

No advice but I can empathise and I am sorry flowers

Jacksback Sat 11-Aug-18 15:43:26

Some friends are just social friends and will only be around when things are good and you are up and out with them, or maybe they do feel awkward you know them
Rather than dealing with them as a group , you could text the one you felt closest too ., ask her for a coffee , go from there ? ( and I know when you are feeling hurt you may think why should I ? ) but it breaks the length of time of little or no contact , and gives you a starting point to build up a supportive friendship. Xx

Mangoo Sun 12-Aug-18 12:26:28

Thanks all.

I saw one of them yesterday (I text and asked if I could) and we had a good catch up. No mention of my situation but it was nice none the less. I still feel like that situation never would have come about if I hadn't have asked though.

I guess I just need to stop expecting anything of other people!!

Jacksback Sun 12-Aug-18 17:28:32

That’s good , sometimes You has to make the 1st move , and hopefully things will b better in the future , more contact , catch ups and cup of teas ,
But if you find yourself doing all the work then I think you know you need new friends xxx
Take care x

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