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Is it really so crazy?

(4 Posts)
Hanbam Sat 11-Aug-18 10:49:48

Hello

I’ve been contemplating writing here for a week or so and this morning I’m doing it. Intrested in thoughts and opinions.

I am currently separated from my husband and have been for 7 months. 2 children 11 and 4. We had been together for 13ish years. Around 18 months ago I found out my husband has an addiction to porn. This was a traumatic thing to find out and i was incredibly hurt and confusing. My husband was desperate to not split up and wanted to kick his addiction to porn. I decided that I would continue the marriage and we started marriage counselling, he was also attending personal counselling, group counselling and had a sponsor. The marriage counselling was going really well, it could be difficult process at times but there were improvements in our relationship the emotional intimacy was growing and communication was getting better but still plenty of room for improvement. I didn’t realise this at the time but I was starting to struggle with my job, my self esteem and my general mood. At this point I was starting to shut down from my partner and pulling away. He then had a “slip” and had looked at pictures online and I snapped. I asked him to leave. I did not want to be in a relationship anymore. I think I went through some sort of break down. I disengaged with my feelings, I just got through the days and avoided any sort of feelings apart from anger which was largely directed at my husband. In all honesty I was vile to him with words, I couldn’t listen to him at all and I would lose my temper with him all the time. I kind of thought well you hurt me so I can be as nasty and hurtful to you and blame you for everything. Really immature. I didn’t realise but my family were very worried about me, at on the point my dad thought I was on drugs because I looked glazed all the time, I lost weight and was “scatty”. I was not being the best mum in that I was stressed all the time and grumpy with them and wasn’t really taking much notice of there emotional needs, looking back now I just sort of shut down if that makes sense.

The past couple of months I’ve come out the other side. I’ve realised I can be emotionally immature and a bad communicator. I’m working on non violent communication, being more positive and looking into counselling for myself. The relationship between us has HUGELY improved, I’ve let go of anger and embraced kindness and it’s so much better.

I have been thinking about what I want from my life and I have regrets about my, well, now ex husband. Even after the initial split he was carrying on with recovery (I found some posts made him on nofap website and I was so moved and could read the pain he was going through) I feel I’m in a much better place and can see a future with my husband, a new relationship, one where we can communicate our needs better.

He is now in a relationship with someone. At the time of split and months after I couldn’t handle him and his emotions and have to admit that I was adamant he moved on and “go find someone to else” as I think I thought it would get him off my case. I think he’s been in th relationship around 3.5 months?

I don’t know what to do. I am aware it’s a bit crazy to want to be in a relationship with essentially an addict but I truly believe with hard work there’s a chance for a rewarding and loving marriage. BUT what do I do? I have very little idea how he feels about me or his new girlfriend. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to repeat mistakes. I don’t want to ruin the friendlier relationship we have now.

Sorry for the length and jumbledness and thanks for reading.

Hanbam Sat 11-Aug-18 16:04:47

Was this just a waffling self indulgent post? I’m just struggling to make sense of everything and don’t know what I should be doing sad

DontCallMeDaisy Sat 11-Aug-18 17:42:41

Lots of different thoughts about your post...

Do you just want him now because he isn't available anymore?

On the face of it from what you describe, he begged you to try, you weren't interested and now he's moved on. That's just hard luck.

Having said that when you're still married and there's kids involved, I still think there is always a case for laying your cards on the table and telling him how you feel. Wouldn't it be better for everyone if this could work out?

But...BUT...you say youre working on non-violent communication. Does this mean you were violent?
Was this a toxic relationship? Is it better left alone?

Was his porn addiction the only problem? Or even the main problem?

From my experience of being married to a porn addict, it can be a bi-product of general intimacy and emotional issues that don't make for a healthy marriage.

And i agree, being married to a porn addict can have a serious impact on your own self esteem.

It's rarely the only issue though.

Hanbam Sun 12-Aug-18 15:23:28

@dontcallmedaisy thank you for your reply it’s much appreciated. It’s really useful to understand other people’s thoughts, especially as you are/have been married to someone with a porn addiction.

I have questioned and questioned myself, is this all because he has someone new? I don’t think it is. I always loved him. When he wanted to make things work I pushed him away, but I was pushing everyone around me away.

Nonviolent communication (NVC) is techniques to communicate better. It’s not necessarily about violence. Some of our arguments were very intense and angry and I would never want to do that again. I’ve recognised how I struggle to communicate my emotions and whatever happens having a better handle on this is going to help me in life.

In general our relationship was good. We were good friends, had similar views on how to parent. Sex was good, sometimes really really good and we laughed a lot.

Obviously the porn thing is a huge issue. It did have an affect on my self esteem and it hurt me hugely, I felt so betrayed. I don’t quite see things the same now. I know that it had nothing to do with me, I feel more confident (feel good about me and have dated a little) and understand it’s a compulsion. It’s a really fair point that porn addiction is normally a result of intimacy and emotional issues. It was something that was explored in counselling, but obviously not resolved.

Gah maybe your right, hard luck, it’s too late.

A friend has suggested to tell him exactly how I’m feeling but it could ruin the way things are now. Sorry I’m so confused but it does feel better writing it down.

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