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We're having our 1st baby & I think we're breaking up?

(35 Posts)
newmam37 Sat 11-Aug-18 09:55:50


First post. Don't know where to start. Please know that my husband works hard 6 days a week & I love him dearly. But his temper is dragging me down & he thinks I'm jealous, possessive & controlling (& I'm driving away his friends). I think we're falling & need advice to save us & our baby.

I'm 37 with my 1st child due in March next year & I married my husband (^let's call him Tom^) September last year. He was busting to start a family, but so far he's not seemed to care and his mood swings & shouting has either got worse or my willingness to put up with them have decreased because I'm now thinking about the child I'm bringing into this environment.

We've been together for 4 years and he smoked weed when we met. I also found out a few months later that he does some cocaine but only when he goes out.

I never did either because weed doesn't agree with me and I didn't fancy paying top dollar to sniff it up my nose. However, I've been around it for years and it never bothered me. My dad was a violent drunk & that's a legal drug, so I don't judge until it has a negative impact.

He has 2 kids with 2 women, one I knew about, another I found out about after we got engaged & moved in together after finding a letter in the bin! We don't have contact with either - one was because of a bitter ex and the other because he's never had anything to do with him anyway and I was so rocked by the secret that I wasn't happy about inviting him into our lives.

A couple of years ago, I tried coke for the first time with him and I liked it. It gave me confidence, energy & I could drink without getting wrecked. We started doing this once a month as a Treat. We'd stay in and have an amazing night together for £100. The monthly treat became fortnightly and then became weekly.

Even when I was overdrawn and said we couldn't afford it, Tom would either encourage me to get the money (^as I did like it & couldn't face a miserable night of feeling guilty only to end up spending it after an argument and then not having a good night)^ or he'd shout & go on about how hard he works and how he wants some so he's going to get some & I need to get the money.

The last 3-4 months, this has grown to a £200 a week habit (of the spend that I know about). Last month I was £1700 overdrawn.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago & I've given up smoking, alcohol & coke. He always said he'd give up the coke too when I got pregnant. He hasn't so far, but the down has gone back down to £100.

However, he keeps flying off the handle & shouting at me with his big booming scary voice. Latest was last night where we arranged for me to have dinner ready for 7pm but at 6 he asked if I could transfer money so he could get a "cheeky half" but would still want dinner. At 6.30 I checked where he was so I could time dinner & he said he's leaving in 10mins. 45min later I phoned to see where he was & he didn't answer. I called again & he ignored me again. I done it again & he answered by shouting "for f's sake, give it a rest!" And when he eventually came home he read me the riot act, told me he's had enough of me controlling his life & driving his friends away?!?!!

I'm at my wits end. I love him, I don't want my marriage to fail & I don't want to be a single mother. I think he's a functioning addict but won't admit he needs help. Please help!

lifebegins50 Sat 11-Aug-18 10:29:05

You should break up with him.

This is no environment to bring a baby into.
He is an addict and has proven he will never be a responsible father since he has already discarded 2 children.
Count yourself lucky that he is likely to walk away as no child needs an angry addict as a parent.

Do you have any real support, someone who will face the realities with you? I think you are in a place where drugs/alcohol has been normalised, even when there isn't the money. This is no place for a baby.

You will need to decide if you can do this alone as a single mum.

heartsease68 Sat 11-Aug-18 10:44:07

This is not a situation you can bring a baby into. Your dp will need to change before he can safely be around a child. That will take time and can only come from him. You can't hang on hoping he'll do it.

Explain to yourself what the baby needs (I think you know) and accept that you can provide it on your own better without him at the moment.

newmam37 Sat 11-Aug-18 10:44:37

He didn't discard his kids, but maybe he didn't fight for them as hard as a dad should...?

I'd rather try and work it out - get counselling or something before I throw away my marriage & future family.

I could cope as a single mother - not ideal but us women are strong enough to endure whatever life throws at us, especially when protecting our kids.

annandale Sat 11-Aug-18 10:52:47

Right you're having a baby by a coke addict who lies about a child and disappears whenever you attempt to set boundaries. He has been unable to sustain relationships with past partners or his own children. Your child is in a shit situation. I wonder why his ex is so bitter.

How are you going to feel when your child starts stealing your money to take coke, or when they have a baby and abandon them? Children learn from their environment, however strong you are.

You don't have to leave. You don't have to do anything. Just look at your situation objectively. Why should you have to protect a child from its own father??

rudeycrudey Sat 11-Aug-18 10:56:40

Why is he asking you for money for coke all the time if he's hard working 6 days a week?

LouHotel Sat 11-Aug-18 10:58:05

He discarded his kids - you didn't even admit the second one existed. I doubt he's paying much maintenence with his coke habit to fund.

He's a deadbeat and you need to wake up.

newmam37 Sat 11-Aug-18 11:24:14

He asks me for money cos his salary is paid into my account so I can manage all the bills etc. (He has a history of debt).

I always knew as soon as I got pregnant, I'd become a mum first and everything else would come second as that's what my mum did. I just thought he'd be less selfish too.

The more I write this stuff and say it out loud, I feel like a total failure as a wife and mother.

There must be a way for him to rehabilitate/change??

furx Sat 11-Aug-18 11:27:05

You can’t chamge him....

Only yourself

newmam37 Sat 11-Aug-18 11:27:15

And just to confirm, he pays the CSA directly from his wages for the one.

The one I didn't know about is now 19 so no more maintenance is needed but was paying CSA via wages too (also, on this kid he wasn't sure he was his until later because the mother was having an affair with her ex husband- sounds like a Jeremy Kyle episode!!)

VanGoghsDog Sat 11-Aug-18 11:33:39

Yeah, leave him.

rudeycrudey Sat 11-Aug-18 11:35:03

OP please don't feel like a failure. You have done coke etc and that was your choice but you have said that as soon as you found you were pregnant you stopped and that is the most responsible decision IMO.

I think from now you need to put your foot down and just not transfer anymore money to him for drugs. If he says you are pushing him away, taking away any enjoyment etc, tell him to fuck off and go enjoy his drugs away from you and your unborn baby.

SomedaySometime Sat 11-Aug-18 11:42:27

Blimey, there's setting the bar low and then there is not having a bar at all.

I could cope as a single mother - not ideal but us women are strong enough to endure whatever life throws at us, especially when protecting our kids.

There is a difference between life taking an unexpected turn or an unpredictable change and this.

Did you not want better for yourself and your future children than this?

newmam37 Sat 11-Aug-18 11:43:37

Thank you @rudeycrudey - you're right

My only worry is that I don't do 2nd chances and won't live half a life with someone, so if he can't put us first and I get rid of him then that will be that. It's a massive decision and I'm worrying I'm overreacting or exaggerating the situation.

I'll see what happens tonight after work. His friend said he was going to speak to him - maybe he'll listen to his friend.

SwimmingKaren Sat 11-Aug-18 11:44:29

Social services would have a field day with this. Your bench marks seem a little off but think about how it looks from outside - is this a relationship / man you can be proud of? I know you want to save your marriage but if he won’t sort himself and your joint circumstances out then you’re going to have to leave him. He doesn’t seem to understand how serious this is.

rudeycrudey Sat 11-Aug-18 11:46:21

I totally agree, I wouldn't give second chances either. If this is the case, sit down with him when he is sober and explain that you are giving him one chance to change and if he messes up, it's all or nothing and he can leave. If he still continues to be an arsehole, kick him out. At least you have given him warning.

newmam37 Sat 11-Aug-18 11:48:19

@SomedaySometime I didn't know it would turn out like this. It's also not easy to communicate every detail or situational context of a relationship.

I did expect better for me and my child which is why I'm so upset and have decided to air my dirty laundry in a desperate attempt to have some impartial advice from people who have no hiders agenda or involvement in our lives.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 11-Aug-18 11:55:46

You don't need to give him a second chance - he's done nothing with the first one.

Run really fast away; and raise your bar for the next man.

SomedaySometime Sat 11-Aug-18 11:59:04

Mood swings
Cocaine use
2 kids by 2 women, one he hadn't even told you about. I was so rocked by the secret that I wasn't happy about inviting him into our lives. yet you did so anyway...
He has a history of debt so bad that you micromanage his money for him.

You say you knew all of this but chose not to judge until there was a negative impact.

You say your willingness to put up with it has decreased.

Yeah, my mistake, no way of predicting it would end up like this... I mean, it's a fairy tale that's writng itself.

The problem is that you are saying there must be a way for him to change. Well it's unlikely but possible. Unfortunately, the desire to do so must come from him.

It's difficult to advise someone who is so far down an increasingly narrow alleyway that the only way out is the only one they don't want to consider. Not really. Not if counselling and change are still being talked about.

SomedaySometime Sat 11-Aug-18 12:01:00

My only worry is that I don't do 2nd chances and won't live half a life with someone

You seem to be happy enough with 5th, 6th amd 7th chances though...

Do you not realise that most women would have dumped him at any one of the negative things about him that you describe?

GreenTulips Sat 11-Aug-18 12:04:04

He has abandoned his kids!! He was the adult - he had choices and he chose.

You can't see the wood for the trees and you should seriously plan to be single because he won't step up.

Stop giving him money for coke - take the bills money and transfer the difference to his account -

His money will affect your chances of benifits.

newmam37 Sat 11-Aug-18 12:09:16

I know. You're all right.

This isn't my first marriage. I dumped my other one after supporting him for 4.5yrs when he was "on the sick" and eventually I couldn't give him any more chances as I knew he wouldn't provide for a family.

I've put up with more from him than any man I've ever been with, probably because of my low self-esteem & because I knew he truly loved me and I really want to work it all out. When I say 2nd chance, I mean once one of us walks out then that's it. The end is the end.

I truly love this man and when it's good, it's perfect. The arguing & negativity is just too overwhelming now & outweighing the good. Something needs to be done & this is my first baby - I need to look after him/her.

newmam37 Sat 11-Aug-18 12:10:59

I won't get any benefits. I'm in a pretty high paid management role, which is why I'm an older mother cos i (stupidly) put my career before love or family.

Starfish28 Sat 11-Aug-18 12:16:43

He is an addict. Until he faces up to this and seeks help nothing is going to change. You can not change him you can only change yourself. Get some counseling to understand how your childhood might shape the men you choose as partners.

But for the sake of your unborn child you need to start making plans without him. Not one person has suggested you can salvage this situation it might be good to listen.

TooTrueToBeGood Sat 11-Aug-18 12:17:59

My only worry is that I don't do 2nd chances and won't live half a life with someone

You're already living half a life. He's an aggressive, irresponsible deadbeat dad and a drug addict. You're not much better yourself frankly. Partly because you continually make excuses for him and facilitate his behaviour but also because you are a long way from being able to claim success in turning your back on your own drug and alcohol abuse. God knows what made you think the pair of you were fit to be parents. That may sound harsh but any care i might have for you is completely trumped by care for this poor child you're about to bring into the world. I think you know what you have to do but I have close to zero confidence you will do it. I expect you'll continue to make excuses for him and for yourself and nothing will change. I hope for the sake of the child you prove me wrong.

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