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Difficult decisions and adult sibling rivalry

(10 Posts)
Bri2016 Sat 11-Aug-18 08:20:19

I’m having to make a decision that will impact on the relationships of my a c (3 in early 30s) relating to property and inheritance. I have tried to be open to prevent arguments after my death but this seems to have stirred up a hot bed of sibling rivalry which I have tried to avoid. With hindsight I can see I made a bad decision 3 years ago. I bought a property with several houses, outbuildings and land on it and asked my eldest son if he wanted to rent a house and help with the up keep. He had just lost a house that he was about to buy. He said yes, dd hit the roof and ys cautioned me but said I must do what I wanted to do. At nearly 70 I realise I must downsize. I have been open and said I am going to sell and down size drastically. Now the problems begin. 1st son loves living there and is arranging a business morgage to buy a large percentage of my share out. I am afraid to tell dd because of her predictable anger (hurt) at me and 1st s. l have discussed it with ys and he said he will keep out of family arguments but he strongly advises me against the deal with 1st s particularly as I will be the security for 1st sons mortgage . He also said I am hampering 1st s development in the ‘real’ world. I think he’s wise and I can see the reality of what he says. But.... I am a Mum and my 1st son works really hard and loves the place and the life style. At the end of the day my assets will be split 3 ways. I am creating divisions between my ac that I so wanted to avoid unless I tell 1st s that everything must go on the open market. Also, I dread the selling process. I feel in a very difficult position. How do I make such a difficult decision and feel the pain of 1st s when he has to walk away from a life style as well as a home.

Moody123 Sat 11-Aug-18 08:32:57

I'm sorry, but he is a grown man?
I don't fully understand stuff like this but when you pass, everything will be sold and split 3 ways anyway? (Unless he could gather the funds to 'buy' everyone out)

So it's better to do it sooner rather than later, where he still has your support and guidence and he isn't dealing with loosing you and his house and lifestyle all at the same time.

I would sell up and split things daily between everything... he is a grown adult and surly will understand?

I am in my late 20's and if it was me I'd be grateful if the help I have already had instead of complaining about what happens in future... you have to be fair

Belleende Sat 11-Aug-18 08:35:13

I think the only one of your children behaving honourably is your youngest son, he sounds like he is considered and is giving wise advice. What you are proposing has the potential to get very messy.

Forget that you are selling your property. What if your eldest son came and asked you to be guarantor on a hefty business mortgage. Would you agree? What is his track record in business like? Could you afford to cover his costs if the business went belly up? Would you do the same for your other children

Is there a cleaner way to do this? Get the portion of the property your son wants to buy valued. Sell the remainder on the open market, and offer all of your children equal cash gifts from the proceeds. If your son can then raise a mortgage to cover the rest then fab, if not then he probably needs to adjust his expectations. I would be very wary of any arrangements whereby you are propping him up.

Bri2016 Sat 11-Aug-18 14:28:37

Moody123 Thank you for your perspective
So it's better to do it sooner rather than later, where he still has your support and guidence and he isn't dealing with loosing you and his house and lifestyle all at the same time.
that helps me.

Belleende. Thank you for you’re clear logic and dire warning.
Just voicing on this site helps to clear my head. I am rather ducking away from making a good parental decision. You’re comments are helping me act for the good of all my children.
Even in old age parenting is not easy and clear cut.

Belleende Sat 11-Aug-18 18:08:28

Good luck Bri2016, although I do find it depressing that parenting never gets any easier!

RiceandBeans Sat 11-Aug-18 21:09:01

Your 1st post sounds like you have materially assisted your elder son in a way that you have not helped his siblings. Your DD as the only girl child, may see this as favouritism of the eldest son - society does tend to value sons more than daughters, and she may have picked this up.

You sound quite indulgent of your elder son, and not particularly caring about the feelings of your DD, tbh. I can see why she's upset.

Bri2016 Sat 11-Aug-18 21:57:05

RiceandBeans. Thanks for your observations. My dd and I love each other to bits but have a bit of a toxic relationship. She’s 12 months younger than her b.and I never thought about sibling rivalry until recently.. I’ve bent over backwards to accommodate her but..... That is whyI mustn’t get it wrong now.. You are all helping me focus on the reality of my decision making.

These two proverbs I read online helped::
Don’t gamble with something you can’t afford to lose
Do the work but know when to let go

All of your contributions are helping me and clarifying my thoughts..

My d is very important to me and I do not want to increase her pain.


RiceandBeans Sat 11-Aug-18 22:21:47

I hope you can have an honest conversation with your eldest child. He shouldn't be asking you to be his security for a business loan.

You don't have to say here, but have a think about the financial/work situations & experience of all 3 of your children.

If they've all had the opportunity for training, don't have disabilities, then you MUST treat each of them the same.

From the outside, just from what you've posted, it could look as though you favour your eldest son. Of curse, it's bound to be more complicated than that. But that's what it looks like just from what you've said. If there's a difficult relationship between you & your daughter, then what your elder son (DS1) proposes will make it worse. Much worse.

Good luck flowers

RainySeptember Sat 11-Aug-18 22:25:52

I think I must have misunderstood something because I don't see how any of this is unfair.

DS rented a property from you, presumably at discounted rent, in return for helping you out practically.

Now you want to sell the property and plan to sell to DS. Presumably the sale proceeds will be used to buy your new home, with the remainder invested. On your death, your assets will be divided between your three children, possibly with some provision for the fact that eldest ds bought the property/land at mates rates.

The only unnerving thing is that you will be guarantor on your son's mortgage.

What do you think you daughter will object to?

RainySeptember Sat 11-Aug-18 22:27:18

I think it makes sense to sell to your son to avoid the sales process/fees.

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