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Should I leave?(17 Posts)
So, I am posting on here as I don't feel ready to talk to family/friends about this.
I have been married to DH for a year but have been together almost 8 years. We have no children yet but would like to in future.
Anyhow, we didn't live together before we married (mistake in hindsight) and I am living with a spoiled, underappreciative man child. Going by previous threads it's seems I'm not alone, but that doesn't make it right. I feel like I am not his wife or equal, but rather a housekeeper who is expected to work full time and keep house by myself. I know this is the model of family that DH came from.
We have been arguing a lot about responsibilities and I'm not sure if this is normal? I feel like as relatively newly-weds it shouldn't be this hard. Add kids to the mix and it will only get worse (this won't be for another couple of years regardless).
When i ask DH for help a massive row ensues and he shouts and becomes verbally abusive. I have suggested this is abuse to him and he doesn't like that term one bit, probably hits too close to home. I can see the same ugly traits in his father, which his mother seems to ignore (likely years and years of this crap that she is now oblivious to). I also must admit that I can 'take a tone' which triggers the whole situation but I don't accept responsibility for his temper. I don't think he would ever physically hurt me but experience of general life tells me never to underestimate people.
We both have good jobs and work incredibly hard but DH doesn't come home until late in the eve (is genuinely working) and I feel an expectation to be responsible for the house etc just because I have 'more free time.' DH has grown up in a family where the husband works himself to the bone to provide, like that provides some kind of self worth. But I have said on numerous occasions I would rather he just come home and we don't NEED all this cash- we can live comfortably as we are. However even outside of work he has other comittments and it feels like I am bottom of the list- if there is any spare time I can have what's left.
Anyhow, I have been reading a lot of the other threads and I feel like there are so many red flags. I don't want to give up this early on but I know people cannot change who they are (no matter how hard they try). I really just came here for some advice from experienced people. Help! TIA.
He's not willing to change so your options are to decide if you want to put up with this forever or not. Sorry op. No advice other than think about divorce.
Hi will not change, this is how my relationship was before I had DC.
He didn't care that I was doing everything. He didn't want to help. He WANTED me to do it all.
I stupidly had kids. I fought with him endless to try and make him be a better person and he is not that. So I made my life very difficult and now I have no freedom.
A good man won't KNOW that you're upset by a disparity in the division of labour and just shout at you to do his share without complaint.
What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is keeping you here still with this person?.
What would you be giving up on exactly re him; that to me sounds like the sunken costs fallacy and that simply causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.
The idea of sunk cost states that an investment of money, time or energy must not necessarily influence your continued investment of money, time or energy. The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavor and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.
People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.
Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.
The key is to clear away the distractions to rational and emotional clarity. Getting stuck in your “sunk cost” prevents you from this clarity, whether in your relationships or your investments!
You cannot make what is a really poor relationship here any better on your own; he has to want to put in the necessary effort too and he does not want to.
You are indeed living with a spoilt manchild and such type of man do not change. He is also very much a product of his own upbringing. He is verbally abusive towards you (he also does not have to hit you to hurt you) and you also seem to be at the bottom of his priority list.
I would seek your own legal advice (you do not have to act on this immediately) on separating from him.
I think you need to be clear with him that the marriage is at risk. He is probably minimising the issue in his head and doesn’t even realise how bad it’s got. Be clear that you cannot be in marriage where things work this way. The ball is then in his court whether he wants to make changes or not.
My DP is a decent guy who has always helped but when you are pregnant and have a baby there are things only you can do. You have the morning sickness, you give birth, you breastfeed. If he is not picking up the slack because he wants to and you have to make him you won't have the emotional energy to do it with a baby around.
If he won't help you now when you have the emotional resources to make a fuss about it then when you have kids you are screwed. I have friends who say it's easier to be a single mother than have a man child demanding food and his underpants washed.
The writing is on the wall make your decision.
Don't get pregnant.
He's showing you his colours now you're married. I don't think it'll get better, he's just on course to recreate his parents' dynamic. Sorry op.
You do need to be honest with him about how you feel and that your marriage is at risk. Would he agree to couple counselling where you can both be heard and explore expectations and needs? It will help you both to have a better understanding of where the other is coming from and with this information you can decide whether your relationship will work or not
* I don't want to give up this early on*
Very sorry to read what you are going through. I think the early days of living together can be a bit stormy til you get used to sharing your space. If you are both making adjustments, then there may be a chance that it can work. If he is just trying to intimidate you, to force you to comply with his way of life, then the sooner you get out the better.
Have a look at the sunken costs fallacy. And make sure your contraception is robust, don't take any risks.
Make very very sure you don't get pregnant.
What Attila said.
Honestly, I feel you have chosen the wrong man here. Is he someone who you would like to be involved in the upbringing of your future children?
Just pack your bags and LTB. This ship is going nowhere. It doesn't sound like he loves you anyway. He just wants a housekeeper.
Giving him a small benefit of doubt, it can be hard to change 'models' of how a household works and it can take a while to recognise how unreasonable 'his' is. However what makes me fear for your future is his reaction. A nice man would listen, take stock and change his behaviour. He hasn't. If you've already made it very clear how serious this is, then I think you need to end the marriage now before you are more enmeshed.
So well articulated Atilla. I lost 6 years to this. I figured it out so slowly because i had divorced from my feelings to avoid facing up to the mistake but it would have been a much smaller mistake if id left before dc.
Thanks for all your replies everyone. I think there is definitely an element of sunken cost Attila. To answer your question about what's in it for me... he is a generally good guy. I know he loves me and cares about me. We went on holiday recently and it was a dream, virtually no fall outs. Which makes me think it's the pressures of every day life that are our issue here.
I had gotten a cleaner to help me out previously but I ended up re-doing things- I know I have high standards. In the beginning this was a bigger issue- I have dropped my standards a bit (and don't demand that things are done straight away) but keeping a nice house is important to me and it gets to Me!! I feel like DH is trying to adjust but he really can't juggle everything and of course he will always choose his work over house work and socialising etc which is where it becomes unfair. Helping me out is another responsibility that he needs to meet.
I think we need to discuss it more frankly and I should admit face to face that it is all bothering me to the point of considering leaving. As extreme as that sounds. I know his brother's wife is experiencing the same kind of disrespect but she always wanted babies and has went ahead and gotten pregnant (which I think is crazy in such a toxic environment). She plans to leave eventually which I think is selfish and unfair on a child as it's already premeditated. But each to their own.
Thanks again for your Help! It's nice to speak to some people who have the same/similar experiences.
Change your terminology - he does not need to ‘help you out!’
He lives in the house, if you weren’t there doing everything, he’d need to do it. What did he do before?
Each do your own washing, ironing etc. Share cooking - alternate week, or whatever suits best. Do online shopping - can be done by either. So the week you cook, you do the food shopping.
Cleaning - get a cleaner. Anything else, discuss & sort. Do it now, before children. And discuss what happens once kids on the scene. If he won’t engage, seriously consider your options.
You're so right!! I do this automatically- it's doing his share! I have a friend who recently moved in with her guy and when I asked how they share things she said she is happy to do all the housework if he keeps on top of the garden/outdoors. I wish I could accept that. I guess all couples are different.
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