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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Aibu is he - what next- how can I cope

18 replies

cantthinkstraighta · 11/08/2018 01:21

Name changed so as not to be linked to previous posts

There is a massive back story - fault on both our parts of communicating.
DH or exDH I guess now, was diagnosed with depression. He is back on track and claims to be better but still on meds to get to this state. He has difficult controlling his actions when angry and during a row on Sunday he threw a ball meant for me and hit our 1 year old on the back of the head. I had said I was leaving (which is a trigger for him) by this point. I lifted my daughter and left. Spent the night elsewhere. I am 24 weeks pregnant. He left for elsewhere the next day.
Sorry this is long but wanted to give a bit of history and I'm trying not to make him all bad DH as I have bad points as well. Anyway onto the point.

Wed I received a letter about Dd - summary of recent hospital appointment he refused to go to even though he was on annual leave that day. I tried to wats app it and he had me blocked. So I text and he told me to email it. I did, he said he couldn't read it and to write him a summary of letter. I refused as I had tried to send it two ways already and if he hadn't blocked me on WhatsApp he would have had a copy of letter. He moaned for a while about how I am being difficult.
He has since unblocked me and I have sent it. He has been going on about how I am being difficult since.
Tonight our dd has a tummy bug and is very ill, throwing up every 5-10 min. I sent him 3 pics of her and told him she was very ill. I thought it might be tummy bug but that she really wasn't very well. 2 hours later still no response. (I shouldn't have but I did) I text him asking where his concern was tonight when she was actually ill when he was so concerned about a letter. His response was he knows she is ok with me and started into how I was difficult with letter and knew he couldn't read email - how I would know that I've no idea! He has now blocked me again!
I have blew this up because I'm so fuming about everything else haven't I? Or is he actually being rubbish?
I don't want to split up my family but I'm gonna have to aren't I? Do I get a solicitor? GP suggested women's aid. He wants to see her tomorrow, so I let him. I sent a message saying not to come to the house or I will call the police Confused (told you I'm as bad shit as he is - I just get soo cross with him)

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DonkeyPlease · 11/08/2018 02:20

Look, please, you need to stop obsessing about details that are completely inconsequential. He threw a ball at the back of your baby's head.

For fucks sake.
STOP. Stop fucking texting him and stop obsessing about what he does or doesn't do and fucking FOCUS. What are you doing to ensure he is only given supervised contact with the DC?

Have you told the police he assaulted your baby? Have you contacted women's aid?

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AnoukSpirit · 11/08/2018 07:37

You're not "as bad as he is".

He doesn't have depression, he is abusive. That is why your GP suggested Women's Aid, which is what I was preparing to do.

Calling the police because your abusive partner is intimidating or threatening you is sensible. Being angry or distressed or trying to defend yourself from an abusive partner is normal and human.

I think you'd be right to make his ex status permanent.

If you don't really get why I'm describing him as abusive or why your GP suggested Women's Aid or why this isn't depression's fault or your fault, then please get yourself on the Freedom Programme, //www.freedomprogramme.co.uk.

It's confidential and they won't judge you or tell you what to do, but they'll give you the information you need to understand all of this and see clearly where you stand and what you want to do next.

If you go to a group it's free to attend and they often have a crèche. Nobody will know why you're there and you won't have to share anything you don't want to, you can just listen. It's not therapy where you all stand up and share your problems, it's an information course in a supportive environment.

If you give it a chance it could transform your life for the better. It did mine.

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cantthinkstraighta · 11/08/2018 09:27

Thanks I think I will have to keep checking this for strength to keep going.
Our LG ended up in A&E last night and he was uncontactable. But acting all concerned and 'wants updates on improvements' so I asked What does that even mean. She has stopped vomiting HmmI feel I need to keep him updated as he does have parental responsibility. I just need to keep coming back here for strength as to I'm doing the best and I can carry on.
I'm so afraid to get solicitors as that is meaning it's def the end

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category12 · 11/08/2018 09:48

Threw ball at you, hit baby's head. For goodness sake.

You do not need to keep him constantly and instantly updated. He doesn't really give a crap.

It should be final. Why would you want to be with someone who could have seriously injured a baby?

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bastardkitty · 11/08/2018 09:51

Step back, step back and step back some more. Ignore him. If he wants to be involved he will show this. You need to focus on what's important. And that's not him. I agree, please do contact Women's Aid.

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bastardkitty · 11/08/2018 09:52

You feel the need to keep updating him because he's her parent? But he's ignoring you? Fuck that.

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Doyoumind · 11/08/2018 09:52

Stop expecting him to be someone you know he isn't. It's his job to check up on DD and if he doesn't it means he doesn't care. To block you is pathetic. Find a good solicitor.

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ParisProperty · 11/08/2018 09:57

If your GP is advising you to contact Womens Aid I think you should do it asap.

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SparklyMagpie · 11/08/2018 09:58

Oh my god just stop texting him when he clearly Isn't arsed about wanting updates, or anything else tbh.

The second that ball hit the back of my child's head, i'd be out.

Focus on you and your daughter, not whatsapping this dick

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thethoughtfox · 11/08/2018 10:01

Stop engaging with him. It sounds like you know he is no good but you don't want to let go so keep trying to contact him in the hope he promise to change and begs to come back.

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causeimunderyourspell · 11/08/2018 10:05

It just sounds like you are trying to prove a point tbh and that there are still feelings there.

Stop pining and move on from this abusive loser.

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IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 11/08/2018 10:09

Throwing a ball angrily at a baby's head - is the end love.

You need to sort out the house, so that he doesn't return.

And if your GP is suggesting Womens' Aid, listen to them.

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MMmomDD · 11/08/2018 10:11

Stop sending him updates - if he wants to exercise his parental responsibility he’d be there at the hospital, and not blocking you.

I am often surprised at these posts. The relationship is clearly disficbtional, and has been so for a while - or it couldn’t have got this bad so quickly.
And so often the OP is pregnant....
Why keep having kids with men like this in that sort of relationships....

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NordicNobody · 11/08/2018 11:29

Well all the women I've known in abusive relationships have had elements of sexual abuse as well, such as the man refusing to use or allow them to use contraception. And it often starts when the woman is getting strong enough to leave in order to make doing so harder for her. So it really isn't as straight forward as "why keep having babies?"

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cantthinkstraighta · 11/08/2018 11:34

Thanks everyone - I do love him or maybe love who he once was and what I imagined our family to be. His family are having a lot of input and confirming it to him that it was my fault. His mother actually said to me at one point that he accidentally pushed me. How do you accidentally get up and accidentally walk across a room and accidentally push someone. He went to counselling himself about this and got social services involved.
I'm actually not a stupid person and wouldn't see myself with putting up with shit and I do stand my ground.
I am just gutted as it is not the family life I imagined and I don't understand why he can't just be normal, get cross, row and leave it there.
He isn't actually just pure abusive, honestly, and I know a lot of women would say that. He did try to organise couples counselling for us - just to late. He can be so helpful but other times so lazy but I also have lazy days - don't we all. I do really think he has mental health issues. He has low self esteem about himself and his parenting abilities since dd was born. I truely believe that it stems from his own childhood. 4 of 4 siblings have depression. But I think it's easier for him to blame his depression on me as he idolises his Mum. He will often say I've said something which I know he just feels about himself, I've not actually said it. But his family are stiring this up. His sister said to me at one time, I kick radiators when I get cross and laughed! Like how is that even normal in front of your kids.
Aghh I do just want to shake him and make him realise what he is doing and what it is costing our kids and family.
We have been together 15 years now and it has never been like this until his family started meddling Angry
I'm actually more cross at him not seeing what's happening. I think he is so caught up in not being one of those men who falls out with their family for their wife (it has happened in the family - the wife is nutter) that he has went way to far the other way.
But like everyone is saying and I said to him, yes it was a soft ball and it didn't hurt dd, but he could have had something else in his hand Angry that can't be overlooked.
I'll prob be back here a lot as I may just come here every time I want to text him Blush
He is my best friend and I'm so so gutted.

His mother also had a go at me in front of our dd when I was 7 weeks pregnant. So I don't trust any of them around dd either. Actually even less so than ex. I can't do anything to prevent them being around her though if he gets shared custody - can I?

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cantthinkstraighta · 11/08/2018 11:36

He was not sexually abusive - this behaviour has deteriorated massively since I became pregnant. Or what behaviour there was before was put down to depression and he was much much better when we conceived. In addition to this we didn't think it would happen as it took nearly 2 years to conceive dd.

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category12 · 11/08/2018 11:43

You have a choice OP, you can provide your children's safe haven amongst a chaotic dysfunctional wider family dynamic - or you can be part of the mess by having him in your life. With your GP aware of the issues and recommending you go to Women's Aid, you have support behind you if you'd only take it. You might be able to have it ordered that he only gets supervised access.

A best friend doesn't push you and bully you and treat you like shit, even if it's only some of the time.

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peekyboo · 11/08/2018 11:57

Poor him, cry him a river, he's been with you 15 years and suddenly his family wants to break you up.

No, they don't. They're supporting him or listening to bullshit from him. It's not his family, he's being an arse all by himself, like the big boy he is.

Woe is him, not able to cope emotionally with you being pregnant. How nice to have the option to feel this way - he's not the one carrying the baby and giving birth to it.

Nearly everything you say about him either includes an excuse as to why he gets to behave like an arse or a reason why you also blame yourself.

See him for what he is, he's doing a good enough job of showing you.

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