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Confused and need to make decisions

(12 Posts)
Oceandegree Fri 10-Aug-18 22:34:42

h and I have 3 children. I moved out about 3 years ago. He stayed in the family home (mortgaged in his name) and I went to live near my mum to rent as I had nowhere else to go and couldn't afford to rent in London.
I was not working at the time and had 3 young kids.
I didn't take anything with me but built up a home for us over time.
I started working quickly and we make ends meet.
I have not filed for divorce though.
I am really struggling with this.
I have no feelings for him anymore and I don't think he has either really but I think he's always thought we 'should' be togtehre.
He was sometimes controlling and quite critical of everything I did.
I ended up walking on eggshells everyday until I got the guts to go. I was very miserable and lonely.

Recently,he sold a second house he had (mortgage free) and said I could have the proceeds for a good deposit on a house for the kids and I. I applied for a small mortgage and found somewhere. He'd been saying this for 6 months and asked me to help him find a solicitor and do some of the work to get it on the market.
It sold but the day he got the money, he wrote me an email saying he didn't think 'us' buying a house was a good investment and was putting it into a business venture so he could leave work.
He is on a very good salary (80k+) and I get around 13K a year.
I'd thought he was trying to sort things out and do us a good turn.

Anyway, finally said we'd talk about it tonight (we hardly ever have a conversation). Basically thinks we should all live together again and I should move back. I feel like he thinks I'm some kind of possession and it doesn't matter how I actually feel.
He thinks it's the best way to bring the kids up.
So basically the conversation has got us nowhere and I headed up to bed.
He wants to see the kids more so wants us to be closer which is fine but says if he gave me the money to put into a house he'd have to rent a bedsit! (he currently lives in the 3 bed family home by himself in London) thus making me feel guilty.
He doesn't want to move out of London nearer to us either and there is no way I could afford to move back there alone, nor do I want to.
The house is now worth about £450,000 and the proceeds from his other house were £160,000 from which I haven't received a penny as he had told me I would.

I know I need to get things sorted out. People keep telling to to get a solicitor and get a divorce (my mum and 1/2 friends) but he always makes me feel guilty as I left and there is a 3 hour journey when we go there/he comes here.
I also now feel guilty about him having to move out of the home.
I feel guilty about bloody everything which is why I have not had the guts to start a divorce.
I feel sorry for him all the time even though there are no feelings for him.
I'm struggling on my small income and the three kids. Nothing is in writing (maintenance money etc).
I'm just so confused as to why i feel like this when I know what I need and want to do.
I know the kids need to see him and spend time with him but I can't go back.
Why, why, why?

KataraJean Fri 10-Aug-18 22:39:26

Why don’t you just see a solicitor and get the divorce, including finances, sorted?

Domino20 Fri 10-Aug-18 22:42:47

Divorce and division of marital assets. I don't understand what you are confused about. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it solves all your problems.

thejeangenie36 Fri 10-Aug-18 22:52:14

I'm sure there will be lovely and helpful people along to help you on here better than I, but he sounds to me like a massive ass-hat. He promised you and the kids money for a house and has gone back on that. He's controlling. He sounds emotionally and financially abusive. You have nothing to feel guilty for - he's making you feel guilty because that's how abusive people operate.

Divorce him OP. Your Mum is giving you good advice. Get the money you are entitled to. He will have at least 0.5 of your £450,000 home and proceeds from his other house as well, and he has an £80,000 salary too. So he's not exactly impoverished is he? Of course he won't end up in a bedsit.

Oceandegree Fri 10-Aug-18 22:59:26

Divorce and division of marital assets. I don't understand what you are confused about. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it solves all your problems.

That is the problem. It all sounds so simple to everyone else. sad
I really don't like the person I am. I feel overwhelming guilt and sorry for people who have hurt me or treated me crap.
I'm seriously considering counselling.

Genie, yes, he was always in full control of all the finances and gave me 'housekeeping money' in my bank account each month. We never shared accounts and I had nothing to do with his. My name was not on the deeds either even though we were married.

Singlenotsingle Fri 10-Aug-18 23:05:11

Lucky you are married; at least you'll be entitled to some money on divorce. If you don't do it, you could live like this for ever more. Grow a backbone, woman! (wags finger).

thejeangenie36 Fri 10-Aug-18 23:21:12

Counseling sounds like a good idea Ocean. Through it you'll hopefully come to understand that his abusive behaviour is not your fault and not acceptable or appropriate, so you have no reason to feel guilty. Live for you, and your DCs, and not him.

OurMiracle1106 Fri 10-Aug-18 23:29:47

Counselling and the freedom programme would be a good start OP.

But please seek legal advice. Do not go back to him. State you won’t be moving back to London you and the kids are happy and settled where you are and have family support here, and no your husband cannot move in with you.

He is using the fact that you are still married to control you, that and financial incentives. Get a divorce. Cut the ties. Of course he wants you to remain married that way he keeps his house and the money from the one he’s just sold.

Cambionome Fri 10-Aug-18 23:39:03

See a solicitor. You are married and you are ENTITLED to a share of marital assets. This is not you being greedy and him being hard done by - it's your legal right.

Maybe it would be a good idea to just start by talking to a solicitor. They may be able to assuage your guilt.

DianaT1969 Sat 11-Aug-18 08:01:54

Part of being a good parent is leading by example. Would you want your daughter to be in your situation and stay there for years?

KataraJean Sat 11-Aug-18 08:44:09

No, it is not that it sounds simple to everyone else - I have been and still am in court to get a divorce.
It is that getting divorced (and going through court if you have to) IS the only way of stopping him controlling you and getting any kind of financial settlement.

Find a good counsellor who understands domestic abuse through coercive control and speak to a solicitor.

You have done really, really well in leaving this man and bringing your children up in an atmosphere free of your H’s control. Do not jeopardise this by going back. Your DC are entitled to a decent standard of living (through your divorce settlement and maintenance) and you should not feel guilty. You do not need to wear sack cloth and ashes and do penance for leaving.

Oceandegree Sat 11-Aug-18 10:08:58

Thank you for your replies. I know I have to. I'm finding it very difficult to see through his nice bits and to remember how things really were and why I left. It's like unpicking a tapestry and I know many of you have been there.
He is very smart in that there is no outward wrong to me. He never was physical but used to glare, tut, and use the silent treatment for long periods of time as well as the critical of everything I did thing but never lifted a finger to help.
If I cooked, he'd often make faces or remarks but not say anything out aloud or ironed his shirt wrong etc. How I dressed the kids or even put their nappies on (though he never changed a nappy!)

I've bought the Freedom programme - thank you.
He'll be so pleasant other times and I know this is all part of it.
I never had access to a shared bank account or his finances. The only way I knew eaxctly what his salary was, was going through bank statements and payslips he kept away before I left.
He's just come to collect the two girls (he won't take the youngest who is 5 as he cant cope with him by himself) and asked them if 'mummy packed your bag and 'I guess you have everything you need then' probably so he can come back on it later on if I have left something out.


I need to think straight and like someone said earlier 'grow a backbone'.

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