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Why can't I just leave him

(32 Posts)
Cookiefan Fri 10-Aug-18 21:31:42

Posted about this in another thread but just want to rant to be honest about my own stupidity.

Just can't seem to be able to leave my partner. Been with him for a few years and it was great at first, he treated me nicely, we had lots of dates, got to know each other. We took it very slow because of issues I've had in a previous relationship, but it worked for us.

But then I guess gradually the real him started to show. He's quite obnoxious and full of himself, loves praising himself although kind of in a jokey way, but always says things like 'you're so lucky to have me', 'other women would throw themselves at me if they saw me with nothing on', and I usually just laugh at him, but it's starting to annoy me. He's quick to praise himself, nothing about him is wrong, but there's never any nice comments about me. He will generally only say comments via text, and he says it's because he's not good at displaying emotion. I could understand that, if he wasn't so quick to point out my flaws. He calls me crazy on a daily basis, says I am over reacting and being stupid if we have an argument. He never gives me a compliment without me having to ask for it. He changes facts in arguments all the time too, like he'll swear blind he didn't say something when I know he did.

We recently went out somewhere and he pissed me off the entire night, basically ruined it. He would not stop asking 5 mins before the show started if I needed the toilet. It annoys me if I get asked something repeatedly, I gave you an answer, listen to it. It's not a difficult response to remember, it was no. I told him to drop it, then he started bothering me about other things. Repeatedly told him the answer and he kept going on and on so I snapped at him with 'listen to me it's no' and he was like 'jesus no need to be moody I'm only asking'. Ask once you moron and listen to the fucking answer!

Then after the show we were outside and he lit a cigarette and managed to drop some of the ash on my arm which hurt and burnt me. I yelled at him to watch what he was doing, I mean he was stood over me while I sat down. He said sorry but then when I told him to watch what he was doing he told me to stop over reacting. This is not the first time he's dropped ash on me, starting to make me wonder if he is just that fucking stupid (probably from all his time spent smoking weed when younger although he swears it had no effect on him) or he is actually trying to hurt me. Hoping the first one, he is a dumbass at times despite calling me stupid.

I am stupid though, because I stay with him. Because I hope that at some point he might be one who he was when I first met him. My parents love him and think he's great, and he behaves nicely around them, although does call me crazy in front of them, but they think it's a term of endearment. Maybe it's meant to be, but all it's doing is driving me crazy. I have tried to end it a few times and he manages to talk me round. I don't want to be this miserable though my whole life, feel like he is making me depressed. My ex did the same thing to me and I eventually managed to get him to leave me alone. But I can't with this one, not yet at least. I don't even feel attracted to him anymore. Used to be a lot, but all of this negativity is horrible. There is nothing positive ever said about me from him.

blueangel1 Fri 10-Aug-18 21:35:15

They. Don't. Change.

He sounds like an asshole who can't behave in a respectful way, so why on earth put up with that? There are better people out there.

ravenmum Fri 10-Aug-18 21:38:51

Sounds like you both despise one another. Maybe you are used to that kind of atmosphere and feel at home in it?

Moononthehill28 Fri 10-Aug-18 21:41:11

I’m sorry, but I’m reading a lot of ‘me me me’. Perhaps he talks himself up because you treat him like crap? Just guessing.

Cookiefan Fri 10-Aug-18 21:53:48

I compliment him nearly every day, I make him dinner, wash his clothes, I actually listen to him when he's talking. I don't drop stuff that's on fire on him, I don't deliberately drive him insane, I also don't hold him down and force him to give me a kiss, although he does do that to me and hurts me in the process, then goes 'that didn't hurt'. Think I'd know its my body.

I treat him with respect and get fuck all back. But yeah it's all 'me me me' I'm wrong he's right, as usual.

Moononthehill28 Fri 10-Aug-18 22:08:47

Sorry if I’ve got it wrong. You just sound like you despise him as another poster mentioned. He also doesn’t treat you well. So leave. Why are you even posting here? Just leave.

Djnoun Fri 10-Aug-18 22:27:40

You went apeshit at him because some cigarette ash fell on you and you suspect he was deliberately trying to burn you?

You sound like a nightmare.

Cookiefan Fri 10-Aug-18 22:48:59

Did you miss the part where that's not the first time it's happened? Could forgive once although still an idiot for not being careful, but more than once? That's really lacking in care or deliberate.

MyRelationshipIsWeird Sat 11-Aug-18 00:12:40

You’ll leave him when you’re ready. Nothing anyone here can say will sway you either way. But for what it’s worth, he sounds awful. The correct response when someone hurts you (accidentally or otherwise) is an apology, not “that didn’t hurt” or “you’re crazy”. He sounds like an abusive, gaslighting twat and the sooner you feel able to move on the better for your own mental health. Good luck flowers

UnlikelyAstronaut Sat 11-Aug-18 00:29:36

(waves at Raven)

You don't like him and he annoys the fuck out of you.

So why are you still with him?

Life is precious. You need to start living it. smile

Monty27 Sat 11-Aug-18 01:54:08

You sound very immature.

NotTheFordType Sat 11-Aug-18 02:08:26

Not sure where all the rapey fuckers have come from tonight, but yeah from what you've described he's abusive and you should leave.

The issues you had in a previous relationship - it's common for abusers to deliberately target victims of abuse and use a "white knight" strategy to draw you in. But in fact you just end up going from a relationship which was 9/10 abusive to one which is 7/10. It's still crap.

What do you feel are the issues (practical and emotional) which are stopping you from leaving?

WasFatNowThin Sat 11-Aug-18 07:42:50

He sounds just like my ex. Pluck up the courage and leave, for your own sanity.

Cookiefan Sat 11-Aug-18 09:29:02

Practical wise I will have nowhere to live and nowhere to go. Can't afford a place by myself around here as wages are low but property prices are too high, even for renting.

Emotional wise, I don't want to as he was a good person at one point, and still can be now and again. But then he does shit like this and I think why am I bothering?

ravenmum Sat 11-Aug-18 10:17:31

Where would you have lived if you hadn't met him?

ravenmum Sat 11-Aug-18 10:19:39

I was going to say that this reminded me of the story about the lovely cup of tea that only had one little spoonful of shit stirred into it. But you say he's nice "now and again". That's a shit pie with a cherry in top.

Cookiefan Sat 11-Aug-18 10:24:35

I was living at my parents before but that's not possible now.

ravenmum Sat 11-Aug-18 10:29:45

House share perhaps? Move to cheaper area? Get advice, e.g.: england.shelter.org.uk/
How old are you?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 11-Aug-18 10:38:07

You already have lost respect and love for him - you need to split up.

If that involves you moving out, then do it. What you are doing now by staying with him is no good for either of you - just get on with it, find a room to lodge in if necessary, and leave him.

AnyFucker Sat 11-Aug-18 10:40:08

Does he "accidentally on purpose" barge you out of the way ?

Stick his foot out nonchalantly as you walk past ?

Drive a bit too fast so ypu have to ask him to slow down ?

I believe you re the fag ash. He's a game player and a boundary pusher.

Get rid for good

TooTrueToBeGood Sat 11-Aug-18 10:40:20

Practical wise I will have nowhere to live and nowhere to go.

You need to solve that problem then. Focus on that. He clearly makes you miserable and that is unlikely to change. Stop wasting energy trying to figure out why you hate him or time futility hoping he'll change. Put your energy into getting yourself out of it.

ravenmum Sat 11-Aug-18 10:57:28

Drive a bit too fast so ypu have to ask him to slow down?
Is that a common thing? I thought it was just my ex!

Cookiefan Sat 11-Aug-18 11:02:50

He has barged into me sometimes, but is usually trying to be funny. He pushes me around a lot and makes a point on a daily basis that he is stronger than me. He doesn't drive though, can't seem to be able to learn.

There is a flat near me that is for low income workers that I should be able to get if I don't earn too much for it, but I'm not sure I can even afford that on top of my other outgoings. Going to try and figure that out today.

MyRelationshipIsWeird Sat 11-Aug-18 11:31:48

Are you in the uk? If so you might be able to get some support with housing costs etc as a single person on a low income. Don’t let lack of money keep you in an abuaive relationship (and it IS abusive regardless of what some people seem to think - they are lucky if they don’t recognise the signs).

TooTrueToBeGood Sat 11-Aug-18 12:43:39

He has barged into me sometimes, but is usually trying to be funny. He pushes me around a lot and makes a point on a daily basis that he is stronger than me

That's him asserting himself over you. It's all part of the controlling and abusive mindset. He's not really trying to be funny, that's just a tactic to confuse you and make it difficult for you to rationalise what's really going on. If you can't rationalise it it's hard for you to see it for what it really is and protect yourself from him.

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