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Upset over my mother's lack of acceptance of me - LGBT

(44 Posts)
4173bg Fri 10-Aug-18 10:33:36

I'm 34 so should really not care, but I tried coming out to my mother as bisexual and polyamorous last week, and she was horrible to me. Completely intolerant and just starting attacking my whole being - not my choices, just me for being 'not normal'. Telling me over an over again that she doesn't know what is wrong with me.

I know she's just ignorant and has a very narrow world view, but I wish she could just be happy that I am happy.

I know polyamory doesn't necessarily have a good reputation on these boards, but it works for me. It's the relationship style that works for me individually - it doesn't mean I don't think monogamy is also a good thing too (obviously I am getting a little defensive, possible without needing to).

I didn't choose to be bisexual, it's not "a phase" and I am not "trying to be different" No one wants to be something that parts of society have trouble tolerating and has a load of misconceptions about - it's draining!

I feel upset and rejected and I found her to be aggressive and just horrible, but apparently only because she loves me. She has reacted like this whenever I have done anything remotely not as she expects of "her daughter", which has lead to me just hiding who I am around her over the years. I was sick of not being myself, so I just told her, even though I knew it would be awful

I know I shouldn't care, but I am really struggling to detach right now.

IDontEatFriedTurtle Fri 10-Aug-18 10:41:20

She'd have probably found it less confusing if you had said actually you were a lesbian. I think people get that a bit more. Polyamory, to someone who doesn't understand it, could just seem like a sex situation which might have put her on edge? If she does this every time you deviate from the perceived norm you might want to consider if the relationship is worth it to you.

MerryMarigold Fri 10-Aug-18 10:54:28

Did you come out with all of it at once? That would be difficult for most mums, especially if your relationship isn't great. I'm not sure what you were expecting from her. You know her. Of course you want her approval, but if she's unlikely to give it, I would have gradually introduced the idea to her. Or indeed left some of it out. She doesn't need to know your private business. I never told my parents who I was having sex with!

MerryMarigold Fri 10-Aug-18 10:56:26

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if your relationship with your mum is very very close, you could have discussed this with her but even then probably gradually. As it is, I'm not sure sure what you were going to achieve.

4173bg Fri 10-Aug-18 10:58:20

I gave very little detail - and no I didn't come out with all of it at once. She said "I bet you're fucking bisexual or something" so I agreed. I was only telling her because my current partner is likely to be long term (co-habiting, children etc) and I didn't want to hide such a massive part of my life. It's not about sharing my sex life - that has nothing to do with her.

IDontEatFriedTurtle Fri 10-Aug-18 10:58:46

She doesn't need to know your private business. I never told my parents who I was having sex with!

You never mentioned your relationships to your parents? If you got married you wouldn't mention it?

IDontEatFriedTurtle Fri 10-Aug-18 11:00:22

I think people do hear "polyamorous" and understand "sexual deviant who shags everyone that moves". Which is why Marygold picked up on the sexual aspect not the relationship aspect

Immigrantsong Fri 10-Aug-18 11:00:29

What were you trying to achieve? And what is your goal with your relationship? Try to think about your motives behind your disclosure and try to understand that you can only control your reaction and not people's behaviour.

4173bg Fri 10-Aug-18 11:01:15

I think there is a difference between approval and acceptance. I knew she was never going to approve, but I was sort of hoping for "If it makes you happy then that's the most important thing"....without all the personal insults.

FuckingHateRain Fri 10-Aug-18 11:03:03

I had an okish relationship with DM and still never said anything sexual related to her....
Try not to blame her it's probably a shock to the system, id probably have a hard time with this too
Your choice is your choice doesn't mean she has to agree, like pp said possibly for the best to keep this private in future

For now if you want to have any relationship with her you might have to pretend you didn't say anything . Possibly not right but depends what you want from now on

4173bg Fri 10-Aug-18 11:05:00

I think people do hear "polyamorous" and understand "sexual deviant who shags everyone that moves". Which is why Marygold picked up on the sexual aspect not the relationship aspect

Yes - which I understand is a perception, but it's not the case for me. I've had very few relationships and no casual partners, I just happen to be able to (with consent from everyone) emotionally connect with more than one person at a time.

I think the only reason I told her was so I didn't have to lie or hide things. I obviously had a hope that she might come round and be accepting eventually, and that was probably misguided.

MerryMarigold Fri 10-Aug-18 11:05:32

No, when I had a lesbian relationship I didn't tell them. (Neither of us would have been comfortable). I didn't make any statements about myself/ sexuality. They gathered I had boyfriends from visiting me and meeting them. Of course, if you get married that's something to disclose because it's not private anymore, bit who you are attracted to and how many relationships you have going is not important unless you're going to involve then with your family. At that point an explanation is necessary.

4173bg Fri 10-Aug-18 11:07:13

I had an okish relationship with DM and still never said anything sexual related to her....

Ok - so I am seeing the sexual perception/misconception here. I didn't say it because it's about sex. It's about the person in my life who I am building a home with, who gives me unconditional love and support and who I want to not have to hide.

MerryMarigold Fri 10-Aug-18 11:12:46

Ok, I totally understand that. I'm not sure how you had the conversation, but would have made it more about your partner and thinking of moving in. I think the poly thing wasn't necessary unless you are going to introduce her to multiple partners, which sounds unlikely. It does hurt, but sounds like it probably wasn't that surprising.

IDontEatFriedTurtle Fri 10-Aug-18 11:13:05

They gathered I had boyfriends from visiting me and meeting them.

So you didn't hide the traditionally acceptable bits of your life and hid the lesbian relationship? You told your parents who you were having sex with because they met the men you were having sex with. I don't see why the Op should have to hide someone she thinks is a potentially long term partner.

She obviously can't make her mother OK with it but it doesn't mean she should have to hide it either.

It's not like the Op told her mum she really enjoys a good rimming and gimp suit combo. She just said she was in a relationship with a woman. The way you told your mother you were in relationships with men, and therefore told them you were heterosexual (because you chose to hide the bisexuality).

4173bg Fri 10-Aug-18 11:15:37

MerryMarigold - it was because I thought she would find out anyway (for reasons I won't go into), and I wanted for it to come from me.

4173bg Fri 10-Aug-18 11:16:56

I know she won't change and of course she doesn't have to accept it. It's just it would have been nice and I am currently feeling hurt. I don't have an outlet other than mumsnet right now, so here I am smile

FuckingHateRain Fri 10-Aug-18 11:19:02

OP I'm sure that's the case and this is how you see it, it does not mean DMs see it as such
They have a different past, different experience in life so by default most of them are dismissive mainly because they don't live your relationships as you do. I also find it being DM for so many years makes you negative or suspicious sometimes as well.
Hence some of us kept relationship or sexual stuff private till we really had to reveal something more permanent like a marriage.

Not saying all parents are like this but my DM would certainly be worse than yours!

Freshfeelings Fri 10-Aug-18 11:19:39

It does seem a bit like you wanted a reaction from her. There really wasn't any need to tell her about how many people you prefer to connect with at a time unless you're in a situation where you're about to involve her in your relationships with more than one person. The bi thing - it sounds like she suspected already and it's a pity she didn't react better but it almost sounds like she guessed that so you upped the ante with further revelations because you kind of wanted to have it out with her and it might help to have a think about why.

FuckingHateRain Fri 10-Aug-18 11:20:11

By the way sorry if you feel hurt, any kind of dismissal from a mum sucks ...

noego Fri 10-Aug-18 11:20:28

So you're not the perfect daughter with a perfectly conventional life. She'll survive.

4173bg Fri 10-Aug-18 11:22:32

Freshfeelings as I mentioned above, it was because I felt there was a high chance she would find out from someone else.

4173bg Fri 10-Aug-18 11:26:25

It's my girlfriend who has another partner right now for context. I didn't even actually use the word polyamorous; I just laid out the situation.

IDontEatFriedTurtle Fri 10-Aug-18 11:31:52

If the OP has children or plans children it will be obvious when they mention it.

PilarTernera Fri 10-Aug-18 11:35:01

Your mum gave you a hard time and now people are giving you a hard time on this thread. flowers

It's only natural to feel upset. OK maybe her reaction was predictable. That still doesn't make it easy to hear your mum being insulting and aggressive towards you.

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