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Do I call off the wedding??

(127 Posts)
Justonedayatatime11 Fri 10-Aug-18 08:06:59

I'm so confused. I'm sorry if this is rambling, I just need to get it out. DP and I are due to get married early next year. All booked, paid for etc etc. DP is 15 years older than me, something he wasn't honest with me about right at the beginning but I was prepared to overlook that as he was/is genuinely amazing. Treats me incredibly well, DD adores him, he is pretty much perfect. Or was.
A month ago I found out that in Nov last year he'd been messaging someone else. No 'physical' cheating, but in my opinion it was emotional cheating, disrespectful and incredibly hurtful. I'm not the most confident of people and given that he's the last person in the world I'd have expected to do something like that, I was utterly blindsided.
I don't think he intentionally meant to hurt me so much, but he has and it can't be undone. For the record he is remorseful.
But it's changed how I see him. I know I love him, there's no doubt about that. But I feel as though I've gone into self preservation mode and I've completely shut down when it comes to him. I just can't look at him the same at the moment. I'd hoped time would improve this, but it's been a month and I'm still so wary of him. I feel rejected and hideous and overwhelmingly like I'm not good enough.
I don't know what to do.
I DO love him. He's not a bad person, far far from it. I can only put it down to a stupid middle aged man looking for an ego boost. I so desperately want to be able to get past this, but I just don't know how.

FuckingHateRain Fri 10-Aug-18 08:09:15

Difficult to get past this
Have you checked his phone or laptop since then?

NorthernSpirit Fri 10-Aug-18 08:12:05

I would be very careful.

He purposely lied about his age and he’s messaged another woman. Has he explained why? This would be enough for me to question the relationship.

As an aside - 15 years is a big age gap. There was 10 years between my mum and dad and you don’t notice the gap when they were younger but when older you will. It’s a big gap.

mrd Fri 10-Aug-18 08:14:02

Why did he stop in Nov? And how did you find out, did he tell you?

Justonedayatatime11 Fri 10-Aug-18 08:14:54

Rain I have, he's more than happy for me to have access to his phone/laptop.
It's just so out of character for him. He's genuinely the nicest person you'd ever meet. It was so bloody thoughtless and stupid, and I so desperately want to be able to get past it. But I don't know how. How much time do you give it before you have to admit defeat??

Justonedayatatime11 Fri 10-Aug-18 08:17:02

mrd it was someone he'd been messaging before we met. He asked her if she was still single, she replied with 'no, I'm still waiting for you' to which he said 'if only that were true 😍😍 xxx'. Telling her she's beautiful. My confidence is non existent, I am happiest with my hair pulled back and no make up, she was the face full of slap, fake nails etc etc perfectly polished. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's about as far removed from me as it's possible to get

ShatnersWig Fri 10-Aug-18 08:17:22

Yes. I would.

MachineBee Fri 10-Aug-18 08:21:50

Your gut is telling you what you need to know.

My ExH cheated on me when we were engaged and four months after we were married he was back with her while I was in hospital for a month. I had a chronic health condition. I didn’t listen to my gut and the fallout from my divorce was huge because I stayed. He kept on having affairs throughout our marriage.

Better to leave now. You may be able to get some of the money back from the wedding but even if you can’t, believe me you’ll save more than sticking with it and hoping for the best.

RoseTheHatt Fri 10-Aug-18 08:21:58

“Genuinely the nicest person you’d ever meet”

Yeah so is someone we know. Turns out he’s about as massive a paedo as you could ever meet too.

Lemonyknickers Fri 10-Aug-18 08:22:02

Unless you have DC together and need the rights of marriage I'd leg it. He's already shown he can lie and he has a wandering eye, that's not going to get better. flowers

MachineBee Fri 10-Aug-18 08:24:22

Just seen your update and this OW isn’t your problem. Your DP is. He’s lied to you about his age and now gone behind your back for an ego massage. He should be getting all the ego massaging he needs from being about to marry you.

Is your DD his?

Justonedayatatime11 Fri 10-Aug-18 08:27:29

Machine no, DD isn't his. She does however absolutely idolise him, and he her. I think it would be easier if he'd physically cheated because to me that's black and white and it would be game over. This is such a grey area. I just feel sick all of the time. It was so so stupid, and he's potentially ruined everything. I feel bad anytime I try and speak to him about it because I feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion.

Emmageddon Fri 10-Aug-18 08:32:23

You're not overreacting and you're not blowing it out of proportion. Would you send a message like that to an ex boyfriend and expect your DP to ignore it. Talk to him. Don't marry him unless you're 100% sure he's right for you.

inquiquotiokixul Fri 10-Aug-18 08:32:52

Yes I would call off the wedding. Better to be single than with a man like this.

I am sure he "loves" you with his own definition of what that means. He likes spending time with you and considers you and ideal choice of wife. Your low self confidence will make you easier to manipulate. You will keep a lovely house for him and your DD brings a ready made opportunity to play happy families without the tedium of the baby stage of broken nights. Meanwhile he has no intention of "forsaking all others" and will continue to have sexual relationships elsewhere.

Nope. Don't do it.

It's not "blowing it out of proportion" because it's not about this one incident but about the whole attitude behind it.

Penguin34 Fri 10-Aug-18 08:34:14

How long ago did he lie about his age? How big was that lie, couple of years or 10? He can't of knocked that many years off.
If you're at the stage of getting married now then it must have been a while ago and you decided to forgive and forget - so do that. It's not that much of a big deal.

He messaged another women.. he's an idiot., you found out, he's sorry and he won't do it again.
I'm sorry but it's not that bad.
Call off the wedding because he's been a bit of a dick??! Going to throw it all away for that?
He's not perfect, he's been a dick, I think getting married a bit older can do strange things to men, go a bit commitment funny and have to assert something.

My husband is 15 years older than me, married for half of that and baby on the way, Works very very well.
If I found out he'd messaged another women and nothing else then hell would break loose but ultimately I'd forgive him. It's not that bad.

PurpleWithRed Fri 10-Aug-18 08:36:06

Whatever happened between them, if you feel this way then it's a terrible place to start a marriage.

Yoksha Fri 10-Aug-18 08:38:11

Run for the hills OP! They are that away >>>>>

Obviously it's impossible to trust him. I'd just put it on the table in so many words. Take back power. Just ask him why you should go ahead with making such a commitment to him. You owe it to you Dd too. Young people need us to teach them a better way to deal with shallow people.

I could get over the lie about the age difference. But to go on and compound this with messaging another female. WTAF is wrong with these people? I just couldn't spend my life wondering and second guessing motives. It's not good for our long term well being.

flowers whatever You decide to do.

Justonedayatatime11 Fri 10-Aug-18 08:38:38

Thank you Penguin that makes a lot of sense. He knocked 6 years off his age. I'm 32, he's 47.

Penguin34 Fri 10-Aug-18 08:39:34

Around 8 years ago I went through his phone and there were a couple of messages to a women, she said something about wanking and he said he would thinking of her. I went ballistic, he said he said it to make HER feel better and he didn't mean it. Bullshit, he was having some sort of immature moment, feeling better about himself or something.
I was angry and hurt for a while, he was sorry, understood why I was hurt and said he'd never do it again.

I decided to forgive him move on and we've lived happily ever after, I don't think about it ever now, I don't think I'm the grand scheme of our 12 year relationship it was a big thing in the end

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 10-Aug-18 08:41:50

You feel sick all the time for good reason and I do not think he would be at all forgiving of you if you had done this. You cannot and actually should not marry this man knowing what you do; you cannot unsee what you have already seen from him.

Your Dd and he getting on well is also not a good reason to stay with this man either.

Penguin34 Fri 10-Aug-18 08:42:06

I was 23 when I met my hub and he was 37, I think I actually took of him I was 25...
I thought he wouldn't go out with me if I told him the truth and he might not have. Wasn't long before I told him the truth.
We're 35 & 50 now, I bet he doesn't even remember that I lied for a few months 12 years ago

Wemadeit Fri 10-Aug-18 08:42:36

Was it a one off message exactly as you wrote it? Or was he arranging to meet her? Why did he want to know if she was single?

It’s hard to know if it was just a brief catching up text or if he was fishing for more.

The main thing is how you feel about it and if you don’t feel ‘good enough’ I don’t see how you can marry him.

auntyflonono Fri 10-Aug-18 08:43:56

Don't marry him!

yellowspottedwellies Fri 10-Aug-18 08:44:01

Did he admit this or did you find the messages?

mindutopia Fri 10-Aug-18 08:44:21

My dad lied to my mum about his age when they first met. It wasn't by much, only about 5 years, and it wasn't like they were vastly different ages anyway, so it's hard to understand his motivation. But in retrospect, it should have been a massive red flag. He was very self-centred. Putting his own needs first even to the point of deceiving other people to boost his ego became a recurring theme in their relationship. They did get married, and obviously they had me as a result (so it wasn't all bad), but they got divorced when I was 8 after much emotional abuse and gaslighting, which really affected me as a child.

Taking all of this together I wouldn't rush into a marriage you aren't sure about. Postpone the wedding and consider your options.

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