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I fucked up(11 Posts)
My ex and I have been split up for about a month and a half. We have a 10 month old. O (ovulation) went on a week holiday to Ireland to see family and got back Friday. Over there I was like yeah I've made the right decision etc. But we still have to live together for now for financial reasons. And we have been getting on great. But last night it went past the friend barrier. We slept together...a few times and have been kissing and cuddling and all last night and this morning. He left for work and I just thought to myself what the fuck am I doing!!! I just feel so lost and confused! I'm 20 he is 21 x
What you do I guess depends on why you split up in the first place?
I don't understand the reference to ovulation - is that an auto correct or do you mean you were ovulating when you slept together?
it meant to say I instead of O so went to ovulation sorry about that.
We broke up because we were fighting a lot about issues. These were that he is way too protective over our lo (10 months) and gets weird about my family being invovled and says they overstep. This boils down to his childhood issues as his dad passed when young. He says he sees where he was being ott and has booked to go to counselling. He has gotten so lazy and I want to go out and do things so I found his lifestyle unattractive because of that. He says he wants to go out and do things but we down have the money (which is true) but I feel we can do lots without spending lots of money. He does have anger due to his past which I don't like either (never been physical though!) So we were arguing quite a bit. I felt like I wanted to move forward in life and he was happy standing still
It sounds as though you know you are better off without him in the long term, but weakened last night because you wanted some affection and sex, which is an understandable thing to happen. You're now feeling confused because your head and your heart are saying different things.
I think you need to be strong and move on to find someone who wants the same sort of lifestyle as you do, and doesn't have anger issues. You will obviously be in regular contact over your 10 month old, so can hopefully maintain a good relationship as parents, but you need to find someone who is a better fit for you in terms of your aspirations and emotional needs.
It's like I feel that we aren't going to work but at the same time like since we broke up we have been getting on so well and I said that to him and he said he thinks it's because we just took things too seriously and forgot to have fun which is so true. Being around him like laughing and all is lovely and being close to him again but this isn't the first time we've broken up. He says he wants to work on things and can see where I'm coming from and wants to make me happy but I don't want him to feel like he has to change for someone and I don't want to change him because that's not fair. It's just so hard!
You are both so very young - and a 10 month old baby puts a strain on even the most mature of relationships. Things do become suddenly more serious - there is less time for each other and money matters far more when a baby comes.
He is young and can grow - and counselling now can be far more effective than in later life. We all have family issues that shape us. Only five years ago that would have been his life. Anger can often be an expression a response to fear of life changes you can’t always determine.
So - he needs a path to self improvement. And you also will have many challenges in being a mum - life can’t be as free as it was.
But he is you child’s father and will be in your life forever.
It sounds to me as though you’ve come to an impasse - and need to discover if you can find a different and better way forward. And that will be creating doubts and uncertainties.
The only thing I would say is that - from what you say, you both sound very happy with each other in the moment - and if you are getting on then you don’t have to take a decision to stay or split. Perhaps a decision to change the things that get in the way.
He can’t stay the same - he has to grow to become a father and a better man.
Couples counselling might really help?
Good luck OP.
I just want him to grow up. Like I love him and care about him so much and when things are good he makes me laugh so much and we are so happy. But he is happy standing still. I say that to him and he says he wants to change that but I felt like his mum where I had to do all the pushing and I hate that. It's so hard and I just feel so lost. Like I love deep conversations but it feels like he just has one layer. And I've said that to him today (we are broken up) and he said he will open up to me tonight and I can ask him anything and I'm like we were together 2.5 years! It's too late!!! All this wanting to change he goes on about he had two and a half years to do It!!!!!! I just feel so lost
It sounds as though you are worried he will change and you will have to search for a deeper reason to split. It sounds as though you want a man with drive and ambition and purpose - and you have a man who hasn’t found himself yet and you aren’t sure that he will.
At 21 OP none of us are fully who we could be or who we should be. But don’t make it quite so fixed if what you are really saying is that you have our grown him. He was right for you 2.5 years ago.
But just be careful what you wish for - ambitious men come at a price also.
As he’s always going to be your child’s father - and seems willing to change - you needs to be honest about the goal posts and move them to where they really are - or you will be breaking his heart much harder.
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