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Friends with benefits

(24 Posts)
Sparkless Thu 09-Aug-18 14:05:02

I fancied someone’s for ages, we have a met a handful of times, he made advances and I wanted to do it but I wasn’t sure, and my situation was complicated.
Well fast forward he is still sort of hanging round asking friends about me etc so I messaged him, the messages progressed and he said he isn’t sure he wants a relationship- finds them too stressful. He asked me what I’m after. Fastball forward and we have made a friends with benefits arrangement.
I’ve absolutely never done anything remotely like this before, I haven’t had a one night stand. So I’m having second thoughts.
I sort of feel like I’ve chased him now as well but I really fancy him.
What would you girls do? Go for it because part of me really wants to? Or is this just too far out there? And I could end up feeling bad about myself.

Trinity66 Thu 09-Aug-18 14:08:28

If you're only accepting it because it's the only way to have him type thing then I wouldn't settle for being his sex on tap with no strings, if it's a case that you're not looking for anything other than no strings sex aswell then go for it

nervyuyt Thu 09-Aug-18 14:13:21

That's not how friends with benefits works.

He would be using you for sex.

ComtesseDeSpair Thu 09-Aug-18 14:28:37

Friends with benefits means that you are also genuinely friends as well. I have this set up with a couple of friends: we go out to dinner or for drinks, we go cycling and running and for walks and to the theatre or the opera; we invite each other round to each other’s places, we go on weekend breaks and have a whale of a time. We also often end our time together having sex. There’s genuine care and affection and tenderness and respect for each other. We just don’t want to ride the relationship escalator into being a couple who share our entire lives.

Does that sound like what you have with this guy or what he’s looking for? If so, great! Have fun - but only continue if you’re happy for this to be it, and not if you’re secretly hoping it’ll turn into something deeper. If what you’re doing sounds nothing like that then he’s not looking for a friend with benefits, he’s just looking for convenient sex with somebody he quite likes very possibly until he finds somebody he is interested in having a relationship with.

cakecakecheese Thu 09-Aug-18 14:42:21

It doesn't seem like you really want to do this, some people just aren't casual sex people and if you're not then this might not be great for you.

Hermie12 Thu 09-Aug-18 15:25:01

If a small part of you wants more than friendship and sex and if you have an idea you may make him change his mind so he wants a relationship I would steer clear, it is not likely to end well.

If you want regular sex without a relationship but with someone you can come to trust rather than 1 night stands then it can work well.

If in your head the lines are blurred my personal opinion would be don't get involved.

Ryder63 Thu 09-Aug-18 15:30:39

ComtesseDeSpair puts it very well. THAT is what a FWB scenario looks like. Your guy maybe just wants the sex part?

AnaViaSalamanca Thu 09-Aug-18 15:30:44

Personally I find friend with benefits arrangements quite odd. I can see sex as a love and intimacy act in a relationship, or as something fun, novel, and exciting with a new person. This arrangement has neither. I would never do it.

Redglitter Thu 09-Aug-18 15:32:07

FWB are great. I've had a very successful set up with a friend for about 6 years now.

I think you're going to get hurt though. I'd never go into a set up like this with someone I had feelings for.

FWB is great when it works but you both have to be looking for the same thing

richdeniro Thu 09-Aug-18 16:02:39

You're on the fast track to a lot of pain and heartbreak if you go through this judging from your post. If he isn't sure that he wants to be in a relationship with you then he only wants you for one thing and it sounds like you want more and are probably hoping that having the FWB thing might make him feel stronger for you.

ImTakingTheEssence Thu 09-Aug-18 16:21:10

I wouldn't having just had and ended a fwb. I knew him for two years always liked him. It was ok to begin with but I did feel very used it was all very one sided and he was very selfish. I wanted more he didn't. I knew from the start i wanted a relationship and got involved anyway. My fault. I ended it. He as far as i was aware was still single i got back in touch with him and he told me he now has a girlfriend. I've never felt so worthless and not good enough. It still hurts and i can't stand seeing him. One of you will get hurt i would't recommend it.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey Thu 09-Aug-18 17:16:09

I'm with Ana. The chances that both people want exactly the same strange status quo long-term, with no progression/loss of interest are very slim!

chestylarue52 Thu 09-Aug-18 21:20:43

It’s not strange and it can work, you just have to not have romantic feelings for each other. I had a lovely fwb, he would come round and we would have wine, sex, a cuddle, a chat. But I never wanted him to stay, I didn’t miss him if he wasn’t around (except in the same way I’d miss a friend).

It helped that he was very good (generous) at sex.

He got a girlfriend in the end but we are still friends- text occasionally and i went to his birthday bbq recently.

I wouldn’t have done it if I wanted to be his gf and hoped it would develop into more tho. That would be madness.

chestylarue52 Thu 09-Aug-18 21:22:01

I think a litmus test is how I felt when he got together with his gf, I was genuinely delighted for him as I want him to be happy, no jealousy.

Wishicouldsleep Thu 09-Aug-18 21:28:45

I thought I was clicking on a thread about the OPs friend who is 'on' benefits grin

BitchQueen90 Thu 09-Aug-18 21:39:46

The question you have to ask yourself is do you want a relationship with him? If you do then FWB cannot work for you.

I had a FWB for 3 years and I categorically did not want a relationship with him nor he with me. We are both single parents, genuine friends (still are now even though we don't have sex any more). We had a laugh, enjoyed each other's company. We cared about each other. Neither of us wanted to be committed.

I am very much a "head over heart" person, very practical and able to handle my emotions well so it was honestly a perfect arrangement. I ended it because I stopped fancying him and he was fine with it, we still talk.

Don't go into a FWB arrangement because it's what he wants and you hope it will turn into something more. It won't, and you will get hurt.

Sparkless Sat 11-Aug-18 11:57:06

Hey thanks everyone
Well I wanted to do it because I wanted to see what sex is like with someone else. (Having been in a relationship for many years with not much experience prior to relationship) And he is really hot, I fancy him and he seems like a nice guy. And I just really wanted to have him 😬! And I thought it would get him out my system.
Well the chemistry wasn’t sizzling and the sex was good but wasn’t mind blowing and above all I really enjoyed his company!! I would like to do it again as I was nervous 😬.
But I would get jealous if he got a girlfriend but he said he isn’t looking for that.
Do I arrange another meet or let him go? I was hoping this would get him out my system but I still feel confused 😐 xx
P.S this is totally out of character for me I’ve just never done anything like this it did feel weird and I had to get little drunk 😵 first! 😬 and a close friend thinks I have low self-esteem and this could kill it.

SomedaySometime Sat 11-Aug-18 12:03:30

There's no jealousy or emotion beyond friendship in a fwb situation. It's fab.

If you would get jealous at him getting a gf then it's not for you. The only acceptable feeling is that situation is lamenting the end of sex. That's all.

FlorencesHunger Sat 11-Aug-18 15:09:59

I wouldn't go into a fwb with the hope for more, would potentially end up making you feel used and not a good self esteem booster at all.

I had a fwb for most of this year, I had started having feelings and pulled myself in check as logically I knew it would never progress into anything more and I actually didn't want it to despite the blasted feelings creeping in, carried on.. . Then he told me he was in an open relationship I ended it as was too much to feel 2nd or 3rd rate given his relationship status.

I believe we care for each other given the time we spent together and was mutually fun until it wasn't for me. We are friends atm but it won't be bffs.

Sparkless Sat 11-Aug-18 18:50:26

Aww FlorenceHunger your experience is very insightful.
It’s sounds like you had a connection with each other but you have been strong enough to do the right thing.
Im in total lust with this guy!!, I do believe that in general that isn’t what he wants and it’s not just me he doesn’t want.
But I know it’s not going to lead to more.
I Just am in total lust with him so it’s nice to be experience this no strings sex scenario. I’m secretly hoping it will burn out soon bcos I can’t stay on this list rollercoaster forever it’s not doing me any good.

stevie69 Sat 11-Aug-18 19:19:48

*ComtesseDeSpair Thu 09-Aug-18 14:28:37
Friends with benefits means that you are also genuinely friends as well. I have this set up with a couple of friends: we go out to dinner or for drinks, we go cycling and running and for walks and to the theatre or the opera; we invite each other round to each other’s places, we go on weekend breaks and have a whale of a time. We also often end our time together having sex. There’s genuine care and affection and tenderness and respect for each other. We just don’t want to ride the relationship escalator into being a couple who share our entire lives.*

Beautifully put. Perfect blush

stevie69 Sat 11-Aug-18 19:20:20

Sorry. Bold fail shock

Sparkless Thu 16-Aug-18 18:58:39

Well I’m afraid I need some more advice from you ladies (and gentlemen).
I haven’t seen him since our encounter which was a massive deal for me since I have just come out of a 13 yr relationship. I messaged the next day and got a nice reply. Then I called him 2 days later to see if he wanted to hook up again but he was (I do believe) genuinely busy. He was nice on the phone but now it’s been a few more days and no message from him. Do I wait for him to message me or do I message him. How much chasing is too much if you really want something?
Thanks xx

BitchQueen90 Thu 16-Aug-18 19:41:37

What do you really want out of him though? Are you happy with sex and a bit of company now and again? How would you feel if he didn't message you for days on end? You can't over analyse these things with FWB because it shouldn't matter.

You need to be really honest with yourself.

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