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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Honest opinion

31 replies

ggg2 · 08/08/2018 23:47

Right ladies (or gentleman)

I am curious about what people think about other women/men using your partner as a shoulder to cry on.

I have had bad luck with partners in the past so I know it is giving me a more negative outlook on the situation, but I do think it can get a bit uncomfortable. I think in some cases I can't help think the girl is just being a bit of an attention seeker. The whole damsel in distress routine etc, I know I'm probably going to get torn apart with this, but I am aware its a very pessimistic way of looking at things. I have girl friends that think the same way so I was just wondering what the general opinion was...

:)

OP posts:

Report

Plentyoffishnets · 08/08/2018 23:49

hmmm I'd tend to agree with you I think. unless good friends for a very long time- like since school

ggg2 · 08/08/2018 23:52

That's a relief Plentyofffishnets lol, I think the same way this is just some girl that started at his work four months ago. I definitely get the feeling she is up to something.

OP posts:

popocatepetals · 08/08/2018 23:57

I definitely get the feeling she is up to something Oh dear...

Plentyoffishnets · 08/08/2018 23:57

yeah, I would not be crying on the shoulder of any work colleague a few months into.the job - remember your gut instinct is usually right!
but at least your man is being open with you about it though? so sounds like one sided?

nervyuyt · 08/08/2018 23:58

Other people having a friend in my husband? I would not mind. In fact I would be positively proud to hear he was being supportive of someone in need.

ggg2 · 09/08/2018 00:04

Nervyuyt, I wish I could think like that.
Plentyofffishnets...not so much open, I nly found out about her on holiday, hes apparently been friends with her for four month so im not quite sure how in depth the texting goes. (don't even want to think about it) he just keeps saying she's a friend who needs help.

but Ive heard that one before and I know how it ends lol

OP posts:

nervyuyt · 09/08/2018 00:05

but Ive heard that one before and I know how it ends lol

Not sure why you find the lack of trust in your relationship funny?

ggg2 · 09/08/2018 00:06

nervyuyt it was more nervous laughter with the realisation as I typed it out...but there isn't an acronym for that.

OP posts:

Plentyoffishnets · 09/08/2018 00:08

I think you're picking up on something here - is it mentionitis? or is he being guarded with his.phone?
how long have you been together?

Chippyway · 09/08/2018 03:30

For me there’s a difference between being friends and being someone’s knight in shining armour.

Sure my DP can be a friend to whoever he wants. But when the line is overstepped and the friendship becomes secretive or their conversations are down played etc then it’s gone too far.

If you aren’t happy then make it clear now! Explain it’s not because you don’t want him talking to a woman, you just feel with all the secrecy the ‘friendship’ has gone too far

Monty27 · 09/08/2018 05:15

I think you smell a rat. Trust your instincts.

whiteroseredrose · 09/08/2018 05:38

Exactly what chippy said. Friendship at work is fine but from experience when you're dealing with heightened emotions one thing can lead to another.

Wemadeit · 09/08/2018 06:34

I know a senior man at work who actively encourages young women to cry on his shoulder.

I’m sure your partner is getting something out of it too.

ggg2 · 09/08/2018 07:00

Thank you for you input :)

it definitely helps me feel a little less crazy hearing your opinions.

We were on a city break in Amsterdam and He really panicked when I realized he was texting a girl and tried to make out I was seeing things. the typical insults came out that I was a psycho that wouldn't let him have friends, he apologized and said he panicked because e knew he had been in the wrong, but his overall reaction is because he's scared that I wont let him have friends and he had to keep it secret from me... He said he would be honest from now on but before we'd even landed home she was texting him again.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/08/2018 07:03

You think she is "up to something" ?

Look closer to home

Ryder63 · 09/08/2018 07:06

Oh dear. Not looking good is it?

ggg2 · 09/08/2018 07:12

Oh fully know he is liking the attention, no denying that he is up to something. didn't mean to portray that im only blaming her.

OP posts:

YellowSkyBlue · 09/08/2018 07:16

Follow your instincts. "typical insults,...". You have just described Gaslighting.

Loopytiles · 09/08/2018 07:20

The issue here isn’t other women’s behaviour it’s your boyfriend’s.

category12 · 09/08/2018 07:26

Tbh my experience has been that the "shoulder to cry on" ended up in sex. I was supposed to feel sorry for her going through a "tough time" , and he was comforting her with his cock.

Ryder63 · 09/08/2018 07:30

and he was comforting her with his cock

ggg2 · 09/08/2018 07:32

exactly Category 12! Same experience with an ex. A shoulder to cry on turns too a cock to ride on. That's why I do not trust this situation!

OP posts:

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Plentyoffishnets · 09/08/2018 08:05

his reaction to that is a real red flag op - not just for what he might be up to but is definitely gaslighting. I'd be seriously re evaluating the whole relationship tbh

kikashi · 09/08/2018 09:40

because he's scared that I wont let him have friends so kept it secret. Doe he have any reason to think this or is he really blaming you the scary girlfriend? deflecting the blame from himself because he is in the wrong - this is your problem.

Some men love to be the knight in shining armour to the" soft, vunerable girl " who just "needs help" and it usually does end in kissing/sex (- even if not that far down the road it's still an emotional affair. For some girls they don't wants ex with the bloke or to have him as a BF they just want the attention and love the feeling that they can get him to put them first over their established partner.

Trust your gut! and focus your ire on your partner.

nervyuyt · 09/08/2018 10:39

He really panicked when I realized he was texting a girl and tried to make out I was seeing things

This would have been useful in the OP.

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