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He’s in a relationship - do I tell her?

(27 Posts)
Notsure321 Wed 08-Aug-18 08:19:05

Recently started seeing an ex again, he contacted me out of the blue and was really apologetic about how things ended, we agreed to start seeing each other again. We have DC hes had periods of no contact with (his choice not mine!) but we spoke things through and it all seemed resolved.

Found out he is in a relationship shock . Don’t want to get into details as it’s outing but it’s close to 100% certain - I confronted him and his reaction confirmed it was true. But he still insisted it was an old relationship / they weren’t seeing each other anymore (total lie!) and that he still wants us to continue.

Unsure if I should let her know or not - we’ve been having unprotected sex, so I’m now booking a clinic appt, no doubt if he lied to me about only seeing me he’s very possibly been seeing multiple other women and having unprotected sex (and will continue to do so) and feel like I would want someone to tell me if they knew! He also claimed to be going through a difficult time with his mental health which was why he’d been shit with contact with DC, when by the dates it looks like it was when he started the relationship. Presumably she has no idea about his children (he has other DC from another previous relationship too). Does she have a right to know who she’s entered into a relationship with, especially considering the unsafe sex, or do I stay out of it? Tia flowers

supaloops Wed 08-Aug-18 08:29:50

If it was me, I'd want to know. However painful it was, I'd rather know the truth. Sorry you're going through this.

PositiveVibez Wed 08-Aug-18 08:31:38

He's not in a relationship though is he? He has been using you for sex.

He is not arsed about his kids when a new woman comes on the scene.

Block him, move on. Your DC are not there to be picked up and dropped by this irresponsible loser.

Do not contact the woman. Just get on with your life. You are worth more than him.

Notsure321 Wed 08-Aug-18 08:32:09

Supaloops- this is my dilemma. Also, if I had spoken to his previous ex when I first started seeing him, I would have ran a mile and it would have saved me having lifelong DC ties to someone who is clearly never going to change. Thank you flowers

Notsure321 Wed 08-Aug-18 08:34:06

Positive - he seems to be in quite a serious relationship - just not with me, but yes has been stringing me along for sex basically. I’m also awful for letting him use DC to guilt me into letting him back.. telling me that when they’re older, he will tell DC I ‘sent him away’ when he wanted to see them sad

PositiveVibez Wed 08-Aug-18 10:50:02

You're not awful. You have identified that he has been using you. Just learn from this experience. Any access to the dc now should be through a court order.

Keep him at arm's length as much as you possibly can and recognise that you and your DC are worth so much more than how he has treated you.

I wouldn't tell the person who he is in a relationship with because you will become more embroiled in HIS mess.

BloodyDisgrace Wed 08-Aug-18 12:26:41

I'd let the woman know, but, in your place, not carry on with this man. He's clearly no good news to anybody.

ferando81 Wed 08-Aug-18 13:43:43

So you are having unprotected sex with an unreliable father .You want another child to grow up without a father figure

dreaming174 Wed 08-Aug-18 15:24:56

Why are you having unprotected sex with someone who doesn't care about the kids he already has and is using you??

FFS.

Electrascoffee Wed 08-Aug-18 15:28:51

I would definitely tell his partner so she doesn't end up having children with him when he's a shit father to the ones you already have.

No judgment here, I know how hard it can be to get out of bad relationships.

SlowlyShrinking Wed 08-Aug-18 15:33:08

Presumably by ‘unprotected’ the op means without a condom, not without any contraception at all?

SomeKnobend Wed 08-Aug-18 15:37:01

Absolutely tell her. Also, what the hell are you doing? He's a cheating loser and a deadbeat dad. Please raise your standards, you must be worth more than this.

Notsure321 Fri 10-Aug-18 00:48:07

Ferando & dreaming - no, I’m on the pill obviously. Nice sweeping statements/judgements there confused

Notsure321 Fri 10-Aug-18 00:51:14

Someknobend- I obviously didn’t know he was a cheater or I wouldn’t have started seeing him again. He has been shit at times with contact but has acknowledged it, apologised and changed his behaviour. Should I tell him to piss off and explain to my child that i stopped her dad seeing her because he was a cheating loser? hmm

SomeKnobend Fri 10-Aug-18 10:29:14

What? I mean now you know he's a cheater, you should dump him. He'll only cheat on you as well. You don't need to stop him seeing his dd at all, just don't shag him anymore, obviously.

SparklyMagpie Fri 10-Aug-18 11:46:34

How could you even look at let alone sleep with a scumbag who wouldn't even see his child. Ewww fuck that

Littlechocola Fri 10-Aug-18 11:50:30

You are having unprotected sex with someone who treats your children like rubbish.

Shambu Fri 10-Aug-18 11:54:09

telling me that when they’re older, he will tell DC I ‘sent him away

Wasn't that a red flag right there that the man is a massive arse?

Trying to blackmail you into sex with him by threatening to tell your kids lies? They wouldn't have believed him anyway.

StopPOP Fri 10-Aug-18 11:57:35

Why on earth are you having unprotected sex??

SoapOnARoap Fri 10-Aug-18 14:22:07

Just block him & move on. You’ve been used.

Why have you been having unprotected sex, that’s a concern

Mousefunky Fri 10-Aug-18 15:02:09

You’re not stopping your children seeing their Dad by telling him you don’t want to be in a relationship with him. How many separated parents still see their children? confused.

Tell him it’s over and if he really wants to cut his children out as a result then so be it, they’re probably better off without the prick.

GeorgiePirate Fri 10-Aug-18 19:04:42

I didn't realise my exP was having a second life with OW in the city he works in. 10 months later I found out, we have a child whom he conveniently wrote out of his history and she was told that I was a friend.

He continued a relationship with us both and I am now being treated as a result of his 10 months of unprotected sex with two women.

I can't tell you how much I wish someone had told me.

Please tell her.

Notsure321 Sat 11-Aug-18 09:08:08

I’m not seeing him anymore besides contact about DC my op was about if I should contact the woman or not.

user1486956786 Sat 11-Aug-18 09:12:20

I would tell her but try and keep it calm, let her do what she wishes with the information. Don't form any kind of bond with her either and gang up on him. Tell her then keep out of it and leave them to it!

pog100 Sat 11-Aug-18 09:18:11

You are getting an unfairly hard time here, OP. Personally, I think you should tell her. You said yourself you wish you had been warned. Just phrase it nicely and clearly.

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